I’m 18 months in and still haven’t moved a single item. I’m still not ready to look in wardrobes, drawers or coat hooks and not see any trace of my much missed soulmate
Just yesterday I started to bag up his clothes. They are still in our room until I decide what to do with them.
I’m thinking memory bears and quilt but undecided so will just stay as it is. Otherwise everything else is where it was when he left the house that fateful day in January.
I didn’t have much choice. My husbands family contacted me asking for some of his clothes to make memory bears out of. They literally pestered me daily until I sent them some. I don’t think people get how hard it is to sort through and decide what to part with. I was exhausted, I think they wondered what was taking me so long.
All his expensive designer clothes I wasn’t going to send them to rip up to make bears out of. So I found old ones, but they still had a lot of sentimental value. I still have lots in storage at my mums. I couldn’t face it here around me but I have no intention of getting rid of them any time soon either.
I’m 8 months in . Still have full my husband’s belongings all over the house. His toothbrush and shaving stuff, and his shampoo in the bathroom. His clothes in wardrobe…and hanging around the house (I wear his clothes…I’ve worn something of his every single day since he died. I’m white tiny but he was small too, so I wear his teeshirts and tops and jackets)
Other little nik knacks all around.
For me it’s still his home too . Why would I want to move any of his things.
I did sell his car though. That was a really really hard thing to do. He loved cars , they were one of his passions.and he loved his present car…a mercedes compressor. He had been really really poorly, and being able to drive his car again was one of his biggest motivations to get better.
So really hard to let it go , and hard dealing with wasters who wanted to rip a vulnerable female off…I didn’t let them though. I had my husband in my head telling me when I found the right person to sell too.
Still feel some guilt at selling it though.
The most important thing to remember is that our grief and ways of coping are so personal. We all have to do what’s right for us…and not worry about what good minded family and friends think is best for us.
It’s not their grief it’s ours.
Hugs to you all
This —>"The most important thing to remember is that our grief and ways of coping are so personal. We all have to do what’s right for us…and not worry about what good minded family and friends think is best for us.
It’s not their grief it’s ours".
I’ve given items away so that hopefully when the person looks at the item or wears it it will remind them of my partner. I’ve let her daughter decide what best to do with her clothes and with other items I’ve asked myself ‘How would she want them dealt with?’ and with others I’ve felt comfortable making the decision to keep or dispose of.
I think the important thing is that when we look back at this period of our lives we do so without any regrets about how we managed these difficult and sometimes tricky decisions regarding their possessions. (for me it’s the same regarding my partner’s care - to be able to look back at that time and know I did my best because grief is bad enough, guilt on top of that is not good).
My dad passed away just over a year ago and I’m only now dealing with everything. The flat has been empty all that time and his clothes are still there. My dad lived with my gran before she died so I have both of their things to deal with and I feel like I’m throwing they’re lives away, everything the lived and worked for.
My husband passed away 10 weeks ago and initially I returned equipment etc as I didn’t want to think about his illness. My daughter is finding things very difficult and wants everything to be kept as it is which is fine as I can’t think of getting rid of anything. It’s a very personal thing and only you’ll know when or if the time is right xx
So sorry for your loss I still have all my late wife’s belongings since she passed away over 3 years ago because it would be too painful too part with memories of my her after 40 years together it’s my personal choice take care
Yeah it’s difficult at any time and it’s a very personal choice. Big sigh for everyone and it’s a another day
my husband died 8 months ago, his glasses are still where he left them. His slippers, I clean the house and put them where he left them. I take some of his shirts to wash them and hang them with my clothes. People say it will pass but to me it will take time.I am not depressed, I know tablets might make me feel better…
What I have is the real heartbreak. To make matters worse for me, I lost my mum 18months ago and today is her birthday, I have no more tears to cry
Sending big hugs xx
Hazel4 I totally get you doing this as I even sometimes make my hubby a cup tea on a morning still it makes me feel comfort and that is what I believe this journey is about also doing what makes you feel better at times.
I also spoke with my GP yesterday of course it was mentioned about meds that can be given I said no I do not want to start taking them I am not depressed what I have is total heartbreak and anxiety she seemed a bit lost with this and went on to point me to Talking Therapies which I feel at times is not the solution plus the waiting list is ridiculous and by the time you got an appointment it may not be what you need then so I have no solution this is my journey to face whatever time it takes but not as others have a bad habit saying “It will pass” Take care.
@Hazel4 @Woman-50 I feel the same about doing whatever brings us comfort. At night I lay a pillow behind me this makes me feel like my husband is there and snuggling into my back as he used to and I still lay on my side of the bed. I still hold anxiety and my appetite has not returned even after 15 weeks I feel like the light has been switched off inside me. But I do function reasonably well, I have returned to work and I have hosted 2 family lunches. As you said, this will not ever pass but I hope in time I can learn to peacefully live with my grief. I hope the same for us all xxx
To all of the above, the words you write are spot on. I too function and work, albeit with a broken heart our lives have been turned upside down and we have no choice but to carry on without them. Losing my soulmate has left me devastated inside and still struggle to come to terms that he won’t be coming home. I hate every single minute without him and I know he is willing me to carry on for the kids and grandkids. Today’s another day
I get you , I still do things for my husband 8 months 16 days on…
And I understand about medication…I am extremely fortunate to have a really wonderful GP, I told her I don’t think I’m depressed I’m just very very sad, after a while she did prescribe some medication for sleep / depression just to see if they would help … but I’ve stopped taking them because they made no difference to my sleep or mood. She understands. She suggested Cruse to me,but when I next speak with her I’m going to tell her about this wonderful forum.
I hope you, and all reading have a reasonable day …
Thank you for being there everyone
This forum has been my life line. I will sing its praises to everyone and I will be sending unwanted items to their charity shop.
I am 18 months in since I lost my husband…I still have his shampoo, shower gel & stuff in the bathroom. His wardrobe is still full. I have got rid of a few bits, but the rest is too hard at the moment. I can only cope with small changes. I will know when I am ready to do more in the meantime it stays. Don’t let anyone tell you what to do, do what feels right for you.
Sending hugs. x
I’m exactly the same, 18 months in and still haven’t moved a thing
It’s 42 weeks tonight at 5.57pm since I lost my husband best friend soulmate to lung cancer
I’m struggling big time
I too haven’t touched anything
Clothes in the wardrobe shampoo etc in bathroom
I just function
Get up in the morning go to bed at night
I have Paul’s Rab coat in bed with me and we snuggle
Life’s just shit
And yes you find out who your friends are
Love to everyone
Good morning Bess1
I’m so sorry we all are.
37 weeks and 4 days since I lost my husband, soulmate and best, best friend.
Just waking to another day with out him (after another night of broken sleep)
Just had a thought about explaining in my head how it all feels…for a long time it felt like a rollercoaster of emotion…now it feels more like a slow trudge up a never ending winding road.
The thought of getting up and starting another day without him just horrible and as you say “just shit”
I hate the mornings so much, and waking to another day without my Phil, and a day further away from when he was with me.
Luckily for me I have two little dogs who literally make me get out of bed by jumping all over me.
Bess1, I hope you and everyone reading has a reasonable day.
Thank you for your reply
Yes another ‘alone’ morning day night the lot
Couldn’t sleep washing already out
I too feel the uphill trudge…… never ending mountain
I just cannot explain to folk ( albeit diminishing folk) what I feel like
Words just cannot explain how we on here feel
Until you have lost the one person who
Thinks the world of you
Puts you first
Protective of you
Your bestest friend ever
Enjoys your company and vice versa
Aim to retire with and enjoy retirement ( we never got that opportunity)
And is one half of you
Lived and enjoyed your life with
It’s just pointless trying to explain
But one day these folk will realise how bloody hard this existence is
As we all know time is no healer just as you say one day further away
Hugs to you all