My partner passed away very suddenly and unexpectedly 16 months ago, I have his ashes but now being harassed by his family to have them interned I’m not wanting to do that as I’m not ready I’m very stressed by this and don’t what to do, thoughts anyone
6 Likes
@Jeni don’t be pressured in to doing anything until you are ready. I have my partners ashes in a casket in my bedroom and they are staying with me. I had a very small urn with just a few of his ashes sealed into it which I have agreed can be placed in his mum’s grave sometime in the next few months but the big casket is staying with me until I go and we can then be scattered together. I have already told my daughters and told them where we are to be put. His family really wanted him to be buried but accepted my decision for a cremation. He had been my soulmate for 35 years and they hardly ever came to visit until he was in ICU following his heart attack, he never regained consciousness so would not have known they were there. I actually felt quite angry with them, he had suffered badly with anxiety and depression over the years that we were together and even his father said he didn’t know how he would have managed his life if it hadn’t been for me so I felt more than justified in saying that it would be me keeping his ashes and that he would be staying with me until I could join him. Stay strong and stick to your decision 
5 Likes
Jeni its your right to say no to his family.i had the same sort of thing when planning my gorgeous beautiful late wife sues funeral. Her sister Denise tried to take over in the music choices but I put my foot down and said no its bon jovi thank you for loving me and Alan Jackson he stopped loving her today and didn’t like it when I insisted on the 23rd February as its our wedding day. So i can sympathise with you on this. Stick to your guns and say no to them
3 Likes
I split my partner’s ashes and scattered part, interred part and held on to a small part
She wanted her ashes scattered at specific location, but towards the end mentioned she would like some sort of memorial, but never got further than just that generalisation
I interred her ashes at church graveyard where she had her funeral with headstone and that has become my place to visit her - where I scattered her ashes doesn’t hold the same sort of reverance somehow.
I was uncertain around the interment of ashes, but turned out to be best decision
Having said that, don’t let anyone pressure you into doing something you’re not ready to do. There’s a finality around interring ashes and has to be done when you’re ready to take that step
3 Likes
What was your partner’s wishes?
It’s a big decision that once made can’t be undone, so agree with everyone else, nobody should be applying any pressure.
You can also do your own personal thing in rememberance of your partner.
I bought a bench and had it engraved and put in the garden so I can sit and talk with him whenever I want. It was perfect for me/us. I had specific plants in pots each side of the bench and it’s in his home, our garden it’s peaceful and tranquil and more importantly it’s our own private place
3 Likes
My Philmore wanted to have his urn placed in my mother’s grave, but I still have him on his side stand in our bedroom. I yet cannot part with him. Thank God his family is understanding. You have to think about what best is for you and not them. Be strong. Sending love and hugs.
2 Likes
I’m having the same sort of problems. My partner passed away in November. His ashes are with me at the moment . My anxiety is really bad , missing him so very much, having his ashes with me is sort of comforting. His daughters are his next of kin , and his one daughter wants to separate his ashes and scatter half of them next month , we get on with each other but I haven’t been invited. I feel as though I’m not ready but I have no say in the matter. It hurts so much and there is nothing I can do about it 
x
3 Likes
I am so sorry for your loss. Why don’t you buy an urn, and keep a small amount of his ashes for yourself until you are ready to let him go? They do not have to know about it. Or do they want you to keep part of his ashes? Why don’t they invite you to the ceremony? Sending love and hugs.
1 Like
thank you all for replying, we were not married and i think that’s why i feel they are trying to force me into this, i have told his family but not listening to me, he would have wanted me to do what i would want, we were together 13 years, i have a shrine for want of a better word in my living room with photos candles flowers. Most of his family don’t even live near by so don’t know why they are doing this
3 Likes
@Jeni when they say they want you to have the ashes interred, what’s their involvement? Are they arranging and paying for the headstone and interment service or just expecting you to do it?
It’s tricky with family - was there a will that specified what must be done with ashes and if so who was the executor of the will?
It is usually the executors responsibility to carry out the deceased requests, including the ashes, if it was specified
3 Likes
@Jeni
Unfortunately I was in the same situation as you. My partner and I lived together for 30 years but he didn’t make a will and because he has 2 boys from a previous relationship they are the legal next of kin so I too had no say in the matter because they were totally unreasonable. I agree with @MemoriesOfUs you need to see the will and find out who is executor, if like my partner he didn’t make a will there is nothing you can do legally. It’s heartbreaking as I well know. The law needs to change
3 Likes
We never married but were together for 38 years thankfully he’d made a will .His son has caused me nothing but upset we only saw him twice a year for a couple of hours he only lives two miles away .Peter gave him money a few years ago and told him that was what he was getting.When Peter died very suddenly he never contacted me no help whatsoever I did it all alone,he’d left him all his power tools in his Will so I texted him to come and pick them up when he came he demanded to see the will he photographed it which I thought was disgusting.The solicitor told me later he had told her he wanted to contest the will but she told him he hadn’t a leg to stand on all because legally he was next of kin but actually never did anything for either of us it sickens me
4 Likes
@LyndaK
When you are not married there are so many things legally where you have no rights . I always got on with Jim’s boys…until he died…they were awful to me but thankfully the house is mine (always has been) and that’s all I was concerned about. He bought a flat which he rented out and it was always agreed that would be his son’s so no issue from me but they seemed to think I would make a claim so instead of talking to me they just ignored me, even at his funeral. They did nothing for him whilst he was alive. I just walked away and let them get on with it. When Jim was taken to hospital after the heart attack they got him back and put him on life support which he was on for 4 days and they even refused to let me see him to say goodbye and tell him I loved him and hold his hand, that hurt deeply but again hospital rules have changed and because he was unconscious only the next of kin can decide who can visit. It was cruel and heartless not only to me but to their dad. We met at 10yrs old and were denied the right to say goodbye. It breaks my heart to think he was on life support and possibly somewhere in his brain was wondering where I was. They did that to their dad. The law really needs to look at all this. I didn’t get his ashes and still to this day have no clue where my Jim’s final resting place is. All I know is his spirit is in my heart, soul and our home
6 Likes
The lesson from all of this is how important it is to make a will. I had asked Jim several times to make one but he never got round to it.
3 Likes
Bit off this topic… but… we all think none of this will happen to us?
We also think our wishes will be fulfilled on death (even with wills and POA’s but this is so far off the mark it’s untrue)
I am currently in a legal battle (yes that is the right word)…to get the whole end of life looked at. Medically and morally. 6 yrs so far, MP’s the whole hog but hospitals close ranks but I’m making some headway
2 Likes
@Sarlyn that is absolutely awful. We were not married but had been together for 35 years. He had no children but I guess his father who is still alive at nearly 90 was his next of kin but they never questioned my right to be with him or to be the one to make arrangements for his cremation though I know they would have preferred a burial. They offered me help with the costs of the funeral and were supportive of me through out. To be honest it never crossed my mind that they could have done anything else. My partner had suffered from anxiety and depression through out his life and I was the one who cared for him through his bad times and his family, especially his father, said that they didn’t know how he would have survived his life without me and that they were grateful for how I had taken care of him. I would have fought tooth and nail to have been with him in those last days while he was in ICU and when the decision had to be made to stop treatment the decision was mine although I did have his sister and brother with me for a lot of the time. I now have his ashes in my bedroom and I know that is what he would have wanted, our home and me were his safe haven and I would not rest if I couldn’t have been able to bring him home
4 Likes
@Annde
this is where the law comes in if you do not have reasonable and agreeable next of kins and it so often often happens. I have another case study (legal terms as I am going through courts)
My mother hated me so we became estranged when my dad died (long story so won’t bore anyone with the details). Back in the day married couples had what’s called mirror wills. I have a brother, so basically my dad’s will stated upon his death everything goes to my mum who survived him, so on her death everything is divided 50/50 between myself and my brother. What my dad or myself could forsee is that when he died my brother who lives in London who saw my parents twice a year, came up and changed the locks on the family home and refused to acknowledged me. I walked away to save my sanity. Fast forward to last year, I found out from a neighbour that my mum had died and that my brother had coerced her into changing her will. He then left her to die alone and sold their house and fled to Spain. I went to a solicitor and he said in the UK a person can leave their assets to a homeless person on the streets if they choose to and this country is the only one where you cannot challenge a will. Not only that there was no legal requirement for my brother to tell me my mother had died and to add to that if a will is not contested within 6mths of probate being granted there is absolutely nothing you can do about it. My brother is currently residing in Spain with over 500k inheritance and the law says I am not entitled to a penny. The cost of challenging a will in the UK would cost more than inheritance and the UK law shuts any such challenge down anyway.
I am seeking (not my rightful inheritance) but again a change in the law. Just to add my brother and I had never had a cross word…death changes people
2 Likes
@MemoriesOfUs how long have you got lol …I have a 50 page document going through the legal system.
Starting with dignity, DNR’s diligent due care, access to medical records, medical interventions, infections due to neglect. Incompetent staff, wrongful diagnosis, lack of consultation with families, PALS service, syringe drivers, side rooms for palliative patients, hygiene. It really is lengthy
1 Like
@Sarlyn is this around a specific case or end of life in general
I nursed my partner through end of life at home, which is horrific, but once you’re at that point, there’s nothing else that can be done - end of life is inevitable in some shape or form.
All you can do is make sure they’re as comfortable and pain free as possible for however many hours or days they have left
Alternative is euthanasia, which I think should be decriminalised and left to the patient to make the decision of their journey
I think the lack of transparency by palliative doctors and nurses is by design to stop rogue assisted suicides