Hello everyone,. My husband died 15 months ago and I have been through all the stages that everyone tells you about,. I have had days recently where I felt almost Human again ,. I am on my own after 40 years with my darling, I am now though going through the most dreadful loneliness that I thought I had got over,. People keep telling me what I should do, or join something or don’t cut yourself off from people , get rid of everything and move nearer my family,. Get a dog for company,. So much advice that I don’t want to hear anymore. I don’t want to do anything I cry every day,. I am feeling sorry for myself because no one understands how lonely I feel,. I don’t know what to do,. Why do they all expect me to pull myself together when I would love to but I can’t at the moment, GP has given medication but it is not doing much, Am I really just being pathetic ,. Your advice would be welcome please !!!
Hello Pauline ,welcome here first of all , I only joined here yesterday myself , I want you to know that I like others who read your post will be thinking of you and and can resonate with your feelings totally , the absolute loneliness of losing someone especially after the length of time you were together is soul destroying and I can’t begin to imagine . A better day comes and then 2 bad ones appear shortly after for me and I guess that’s how it is for a lot of people .
My girlfriend died 2 weeks ago , I was with her for 6 years and we had so many plans for the future and that is hard enough to accept so I really feel for you , in fact I can’t accept it and want to wake up from this dream but I know I must accept it eventually , I grab every chance I get to talk to someone about it and it’s why I came on here , hopefully I can help others like you if you need to talk , my own experience is it’s only people who have had similar experiences really understand the pain , Reading stories on here has helped I must say . Keep communicating here Pauline and I think it will help
Hello Tillwemeet,. Thank you for your encouragement,. It is all so confusing,. My husband was told by his consultant a week before that he was so pleased with him as his tumors were diminishing and he was giving him a 2 week break from his meds and would then give a different one,. 7 days later he had seizures in the library and I next saw him on a life support machine,. They never knew he had cancer in his brain layers even after all his scans,. He died 2 weeks later,.
No Pauline you are not being pathetic.
I feel the same. How can taking up a hobby , keeping busy or joining a club of people who mean nothing to me help ?
All it does is rub my nose in what I’ve lost.
It’s just like saying " You’ve lost eveything that mattered to you, hard luck , this is all youve got left " It may help some but I’ve tried different things and they don’t make me feel any better.
I’m not lonely, I’m completely alone and trapped in an existence I don’t want.
When my partner died I had our beloved dog by my side until July, the days leading up to his death were torture As much as I love dogs I couldn’t face it again alone.
So no , how you feel is understandable.
Wishing you well Jx
Thank you Joe,. Your loss is so recent,. I am so sorry,. I feel for you and send a virtual hug,
As you go through life you come up against all manner of ups and downs and loss of family members and friends but when your soulmate leaves you it is an unbearable pain that eats you up and sends you on a rollercoaster of emotions that you have no control over, NEW Territory unexplored and frightening,. We will keep our communication going and try to help each other if we can and others xx
Hello Dalejacki You have eloquently hit the nail on the head,. I know people mean well but your world has fallen apart and Lego as good as it is cannot rebuild that world ,. It is going to take a while to move forward and it won’t be painless , thank you for reading and replying , bless you, sending a hug x
We will try and stay strong for them as hard as that might be, that is what they would want us to do,. It will be difficult but we will get there xx
Dear Pauline, I read your post — and I can honestly tell you that I have gone thru all the things you mentioned too. My son is always pushing me to either get a cat or a dog for companionship and of course either go to an old peoples home to find new friends or get a new hobby. It’s rather strange that our family and friends seem to want to get rid of us so they don’t have to worry about us - but I feel I can handle my life rather well. My wife (when she was still with me -would call them the “do gooders” never actually understanding but full of advice for me. Yes - I do miss my wife, but I’m still able to hold up my end so long as my health holds out. I’m not done yet - and so should you too. I’m sorry dear lady to sound so bold but we’re not done yet. My best wishes come your way - hang in there! You are probably stronger than you think. Do as you feel you need to be - you are worth it! Take care dear lady!
Herb 
Thank you dear Greencat, I am so sorry for your loss too,. I know we are probably stronger than we think and will get through these very dark days but it is so difficult to see that far ahead,. I remember when my father died years ago and I was guilty of saying the same things to my mother thinking I was helping, I said to her about joining the day centre at the church to meet other people for company and she turned round and said when I look as old as the people who come out of there I will go!!! “That told me,.”. Now I am my mother and my son’s are saying the same things to me,. I now understand how my mother felt !!! I did live nearby and saw her every day,. I am alone with none of my family nearby. And it is a struggle to stay sane,. This helpline is going to give us the hope and encouragement we need to help us through stay safe x
Thank you Pauline - that was very encouraging for me - at least I know somebody is thinking of me and in my corner too. I drive by a retirement home each I go to the store - it just breaks my heart to hear things like what you just described - and if that isn’t enough I am sad to realize that this is how it turned out for me now. Ho happy I was when my wife was still here. She would always laugh at my jokes. Next Thursday she will be dead for one year. I try not to think about it too much. I will visit he burial site and tell he ow I’m doing. It’s kind of hard to do - but the British always say to keep your chin up - I think one gentleman said to keep your Gin up. I guess I can do both. I agree with you Pauine2 — stay safe and well.
Herb
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Hello Greencat or may I call you Herb,? I am happy to keep in touch with you,. Our lives will be taking a route we never expected to and being able to talk to people who understand will be important to us all , I visit my husband every week and tidy his bed and I will think of you next Thursday when you visit your dear wife,. Enjoy your Gin if that is your taste,. Not for me I’m afraid I am a Brandy girl, my husband was a whiskey man,. Single Malts,. I take him a drop now and again,. Sounds silly but I know he would appreciate it,. Take care of yourself too and stay safe x
dear Pauline
dont beat your self up, you will never get over the loss you just have to live with it, I lost my husband of 46 years 16 weeks ago, I no what you are going through , I to keep my self busy as I can but some days I just have no motivation so I just go with it ,I keep thinking its all a bad dream he will come home, and with this virus about just makes things worse , your not being pathetic at all ,when you have been married for so long its going to take time ,I have pictures in every room, I speak to him, I have his ashes at some point i will get a ring made with his ashes , he had a buffet so I have covered it in his duvet cover , I have done walks to raise funds for the hospice , still have all his clothes they dont smell of him anymore o( I have joined groups but with the virus thats on hold .I have a dog so it gets me out to walk her, I have 2 daughters and a grandson so we keep each other going I have good days and really bad days hope this helps that your not alone xx
Dear Pauline,
My time line almost mirrors yours. My darling husband of 47 years also died 15 months ago. I joined this group just a couple of weeks ago and found lots of kindred spirits her. Who knew such a group existed? I didn’t, but I’m glad that it does. I keep “busy” but find no comfort in anything. I volunteer, join this and that, but Covid has put a stop to all of that. I don’t know how to start living this new “life” I never wanted, even though both of us knew it was coming. I glad he’s not going through lockdown but the loneliness is unbearable and rather than grief easing I find it harder every day to keep going. I’m told it gets easier after the second year… Always happy to talk to anyone who needs an ear to listen and sending anyone greiving the love of their life virtual hugs and healing thoughts.
Hello daisy chain,. Thank you,. I am so sorry for your loss too. You are sounding very strong but I know that you are probably just putting one foot in front of the other each day, as you say this Covid virus has not helped,. It has exacerbated the grief that we are trying to come to terms with,. I watched the memorial service on Sunday morning and I cried all day, it is always a sad event that my husband and I would attend but this year was so very poignant by the lack of people,. It just spoke volumes about what this year had become and I felt so sorry for the old soldiers that could not be there paying thier respect on the special 100yr Anniversary I am sending a hug to you and hope that your days will become easier too xx
i try to be but like you say its just putting one foot in front of the other, had a bad day yesterday ,but today is another day take care x
Dear Pauline, of course, you may or should call me Herb - no special titles here! Yes Thursday November 19, 2020 will mark one year. I’ll go to the cemetary and place my one red rose (symbolizing my love for for my departed wife). I cannot believe she has been gone that long. The seasons are changing here in the states, so I feel that cold wind coming in. In a way. I wish Spring were here and that this silly lockdown was gone too. So now I must hide my true face but I’ll remove it when I talk to her. Of couse, I’ll tell her how I am doing and how much I miss her… Thank you for asking!
Herb
Hi Pauline
I’m sorry for what your going through, I’ve had the same advice from everybody, get a dog, cat, join a club, even join a dating agency! As if!
It’s three and half years now, since my Ann died of mnd. Nothings really changed, just becomes a little bit more bearable. I’m lucky she’s buried in our village church yard, so, always visit daily, to tend to her flowers, and chat to her. Being retired, days are long and lonely. Taking up photography has given me the excuse to get out in fresh air, taking wildlife photos.
After 46yrs together I shall never stop grieving for her, and I’m a firm believer, we will, all, meet up again, when the time comes… Stay safe. John.
Pauline you are not being pathetic grief as I have been told has no time limit I lost my partner nearly 11 weeks ago we were together 10years I miss him so much only someone who has suffered such a loss know how you are feeling I try to keep talking about him we need to keep there memories alive do what ever it takes I keep going over things but I guess that is normal what ever you feel like doing just do what is right for you !
Hi Pauline, and welcome to the site. I haven’t been on here for a while but something in your post resonated with me. Although my loss was different to yours it was about 16 months since I lost my Dad. I think the first couple of years are bound to be the hardest and when you are ready to, you will find things that you feel you can do - including getting a pet. I have found personally that I am not in the state of mind to make any big decisions yet and I’m trying to accept that and take things at my own pace. I’ve also found one to one counselling to be quite helpful because I can chat about my difficult feelings and pain in a safe space without upsetting my own family. The pain can feel overwhelming sometimes but I find it hits me like waves and they do ebb away - it’s just the onslaught is always a bit of a shock.
I feel guilty for feeling sad sometimes which makes things even worse! Try to be kind to yourself. Take time to breathe and relax during the day as grief is very tiring. I’m sure your loved one would want you to be happy - despite the sudden and upsetting circumstances surrounding his illness and death. However it is important to be sad too - and not a bad thing to have a good cry - even 15 months on.
There are probably more people out there who understand what you’re going through than you think.
Hello John, thank you am sorry for your loss too. I think everyone gives the same advice and they don’t realise how trite it is when you hear it so much, pleased to hear about your photography,. That is a very calming and satisfying hobby,. Take care of yourself X Pauline