Thanks
Its so hard very hard we are all sailing the same ship im here for you too x
Thank you Ryans Mum, it will I am sure getting easier though I want the pain and sadness never to leave me as I want some of the pain to remind me every day of my loss and how much I love him, I never want to forget him.
My Son when he passed did leave a beautiful daughter behind but he never saw her in such a long time as his ex wife would not let him, yes he did get access from the courts 3 times as every time he sort out with a contact centre his ex would not show up, so the other thing I am trying to focus on two things one trying to sort out a fund raising advent in his memory with youngminds who help the youngest with mental health issues and drugs issues the other I going to slowly try to get to see my granddaughter but I got to try and build up a relationship with his ex wife as she stopped the whole family seeing my sons daughterā¦ I know that you and I are really suffering but I really do appreciate your help and support it really is helping as I am now going to try doing a diary myself, maybe seeing words wrote in front of me might help or comfort me some how, I got to at least try. Xx
Eleni I have never know this heartache before and because all my friends or even my family have not none of them contact me now to see how I am not that uts about me wanting the attention like some of them think but I need support but they donāt seem to understandā¦
Its not the way it should be it should be us before our children not the other way round, I believe in God though right now my relationship with him is on the rocks as you can imagine but yes I do believe my son and I will hold each other again its just having that energy to make it through but I share in everyones who lost a child whatever ages pain and suffering. Xx
He looks so lovely 
Iām so sorry itās tougher today.
It goes like that and itās so early for you itās no wonder the pain is so strong. How is your wife and your other children?
Did you try meditation? It saved me along with this site. Focussing on your breathing is calming.
Whenever I look at photos I canāt believe Henryās goneā¦it seems so unreal.
Youāre doing so well Carl and I wish I could help youā¦it will become something you live with.
Big hugs
Purple
Purple thank you so much. My wife thank you for asking has been a real rock to me though she is not C.J mum she treated him no different to her children and he got on really well with her, though I do ask her how she is feeling and she is struggling within but yrying to be strong for me, she is more private with her feelings and I hear her cry in bed but she wants to do it that way I have to respect her feelings. My other kids are struggling a lot my 15 year old son is broken so much he has started to have suicide thoughts so I got to try a nit focus on me but put him ahead of me now as I can not lose another child.
I listing to Enya at the moment very loud though my headphones.
We have only just moved into a bungalow so I trying to put photos up and it is so hard 2 photos I have done today, so hard to look at the kids folder seeing him smile or with his lost look in his eyes just breaks me.
You are helping me everyone on here has been so helpful, kind plus know how hard it is and my heart goes out to you too as I know what you have or still are going through and no words can say how it feels as it is so deeply painful xx
Hi Carl71,
Iām sorry to hear your son is struggling and has started to have suicidal thoughts. There is a lot of support out there for young people:
ā Childline Message Boards - an online community for anyone 19 or under to get support with a big range of issues, including a bereavement message board
ā Hope Again - supporting young people with bereavement
ā Winstonās Wish - for bereaved children and their families. They can also give you advice on how to support your son.
He can also make an appointment with his GP and ask to be referred to counselling or other support services in your area. I hope these are useful.
Take care,
Michelle
Thatās like me - my husband wasnāt Henryās fatherā¦.he died in 2013. It is terrible for partners and I know they almost feel guilty their own children are ok. Guilt plays a huge part in grief I think.
Periodically I suffer awful guilt that I couldnāt save Henry- mostly I couldnāt save him from himself. 
I firmly believe heās there waiting for me and I know heās free from his demons. That gives me some comfort. I was very angry with God tooā¦Iām more spiritual than religiousā¦but I accept the situation Iām inā¦because I have to.
Getting used to life with our children not physically with us is the hardest thing. I like to think of Henry having a good time. He was a very sociable person when he was well.
If itās true thereās no time in heaven then they wonāt be without us for longā¦itās us this side who watch the clock and count the days.
Keep posting and know we understand the agony you feel at the moment. It will become manageable in time.
Purple x
Thank you, its really hard I went to church with my daughter this morning trying to make sense of this nightmare I really believe that I will die of a broken heart, my boy was my world
We had a good day and evening, that night he rang me to come back home, he told me he was dying and didnāt want to die on his own I got there called the ambulance James kept telling me not to leave him I heard the ambulance sirens went downstairs to open the door, but there was no ambulance, so I went back upstairs and found James dead I screamed the place down I re live that night every single day if only I done more would he be alive Iām a broken woman x
Thank you Michelle I am waiting to hear from Dragonflies at the moment to see if they can help.
Iām going to call cruise tomorrow canāt get my head round this im back at work week after next Me and James worked in the same prison, so will be hard to go back
I agree phone calls stop, family donāt bother
Iām angry with god if there is one
Purple
Your words help so much as I feel so guilty too, as a parent we are supposed to protect our children but its so hard when all your child wants is not be a part of this world that is pain just watching your child suffering and knowing that you canāt even help even though you are giving your all to try its heartbreaking.
No time in heavenā¦ I hope so as if C.J is in heaven with my dad, I dread to think what they both are doing. Thats the first time I have slightly smiled since C.J been gone and it was at that thought of both of them together. X
Eleni. The night before my surgery C.J texted me saying about help with his mental health and how much pain he was in, but at the time I was in so much pain with my ankle, doped up on morphine and tramdol and more that I cut him short and I so regret that not as I should of phoned him pushed my pain and that a sideā¦ we have to believe we will once again be together as I really can not think of never ever not seeing him again. X
Eleni
I started to talk to cruise infact they were the very first people I got in touch with, I sent a email telling my story and the reply come back with, I am so sorry for the loss of your dad, that was as far as I read and the last contact with them, Thats when I came here and bereavement uk though I find this more helpful even though I know I will need counselling at some stage.
The tattoo is beautiful I got a fingerprint keyring, some hair of his in a jar and doing a shrine as my wife says we want him to be here at home with usā¦ some many say that is too much but unless you loss what we have no one knows how we feel.
The water splitting yes I believe that you are right, my wife came with me to view C.J ( what a nasty horrible way of putting it) Apart from if I was not in my wheelchair I would of collapse she stayed after I left the room and asked C.J to let his dad know that he was ok by doing something with my phone, she told me this straight awayā¦ the next day my phone just froze up, I know it could be a number of things but I like to believe it was himā¦
When I did go in the room to look at C.J a tear rolled from his eye, i said this to the wife she said no its just how they done him, but why would it dry up while we was there. No one can tell me any different and I want to believe what I saw. Xx
Hi Eleni my son also died of a heart attack, 10 weeks ago, although he suffered mental health problems to .I contacted Cruse who told me about this site. I have not felt able to post before but have spent hours reading other peopleās posts that have helped me realise others to feel this level of devastation and donāt want to go on. I had not heard about hand prints or would have had one to. I listen to Brenda Lee āthe end of the worldā i think it says it all. ā why does my heart go on beating, why do these eyes of mine cry, donāt they know itās the end of the world , it ended when you said goodbyeā I really donāt know how we can survive this level of pain. It goes way beyond normal grief, which I am sure we all have experienced in the past. I cry every day thinking it will be better tomorrow, but if anything it seems to be getting worse . Itās helpful seeing others do eventually find a way of coping. X
Dear Eleni
Iām so sorry youāve lost your son. I know your pain, fear, panic and desperation- all of us whoāve lost a child will understand.
It will ease but I canāt pretend it goes awayā¦it canāt as we love our children too much for that.
Just the shock alone is tremendous for the body and soul to bear.
Please keep posting and know you are not alone. I hope you have support from friends or family.
Warm hugs
Purple
Thank you, its just so hard I love my son so much x
Hello,
I lost my daughter three months ago she was 38 and had schizophrenia. I miss her so much we were so close. I am trying to cope by remembering the happy times and she knew how much l loved her. Nothing was unsaid.
I have also found a peaceful spiritual retreat with beautiful gardens near me which l visit to remember her.
Spiritual healing helps as well it helps unblock the grief which can cause mental and physical problems.
I have also visited a medium. Its not for everyone but l believe that our spirit lives on and he told me a lot that only my daughter only knew.
I suppose look everywhere for what works for you.
Be kind to yourself and look back with love and happiness in the time you had with your son. Jackie x.
Thank you Jackie, I am sorry to hear off your loss to, Now a spiritual retreat might be a good idea, I think I will look into that thank you as not thought of that myself, but could I do a medium, I am not sure on thatā¦I am finding it hard to be kind to myself as I so wish I done more even though I know I did what I could I still think I could of should of done more and maybe then, well no point me going on as we all probably have maybesā¦ I find myself saying sorry all the time . He and I knew how much we loved each other always said it no matter what. Always here for you Jackie if you need to talk to x
Hi peanutbrsin
I lost my son Ryan to suicide 4months should aged 27 - we had an amazing relationship until mental health destroyed it but like you I have been getting a lot of spiritual healing through a medium it has helped me so much with my grief - I miss Ryan every day but knowing heās around me helps a bit but will never make up for the pain I feel losing my precious boy 
Hello Ryansmum,
Thanks for your reply. I am so glad you are getting spiritual healing and it is helping you. We have joined a club that no mother wants to and l felt separate from people who have not lost their child.
The pain we feel is like a dagger through the heart. It is early days for us and l pray for the pain to ease and can l ever be whole again?
I am sure that Ryan would want you to live your life in a positive way. My daughter was tormented in life and although l spend years trying to help she did not want to be alive and suffering.
I am sure that you tried so hard to help Ryan, but both our adult children decided to stop their suffering and l realise that there is no way l could have stopped Laura passing. She used to tell me that she would not live to be old.
I am sure that covid was the last straw for our fragile adult children.
But they knew we loved them dearlyand continue to do so. Jackiex.