Please help me see this through

I am really struggling to come to terms with the loss of my son. He passed away on the 24th of last month and death is still unknown at the moment, waiting on blood and skin results to come back but so far unknown.
I am really worried as I am finding it hard to get up and do anything. All I do is cry and do not want to accept the fact that my son has gone. He was only 27 with so much life ahead of him, he struggled with mental health issues.
I wish to talk to parents that have been through the same thing as I feel unless you have gone through the loss no matter how much you can imagine the pain is so unbearable and cuts so deep. I know I need help to get through this and I hope someone can help me. Sorry if this is all over the place but that is how I am right now.

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Hi Carl ,

I lost my son to suicide aged 27 - 4 months ago - you feel as if your world has been turned upside down but I feel I need to find strength to get through my days for the rest of my family - I feel as if I have a rucksack of rocks on my back - but hopefully through time it will change to pebbles . Every day I cry - the tears just come like a Tsunami - but I do believe Ryan is at my side watching me and wouldn’t want me to be sad / he was tormented and now he’s at peace. We are starting up a foundation in his name and plan to fundraiser and raise awareness of men & suicide / I need his legacy to live on - I will never forget my precious son.

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Hi Ryans mum
I am so sorry for your loss too. The day my C.J golden heart stopped beating mine did as well. I understand about time being a healer but that frighteners me too as I feel if in time it gets easier will he think I stopped loving or missing him. The tears the heartache the pain my emotions are all over the place. I text him and waited for a reply even though I knew it would not come.
I could not kiss him when I viewed him as I did not want to believe it was him, I so regret that now, his sister due to covid self isolating did not go to the service and now I cant answer her calls when it was not her fault, struggling with my feelings. Sorry for going on.

Hi Carl

You will never forget your precious boy - never - I think we live a life with 2 masks one for the outside world and one for behind closed doors - I just wake up and one day rumbles into another - family & friends have been very supportive but they will never realise the full pain of losing a child - no parent should experience this - I’m just scared of the black cloud & going into a depression so I feel every day I’m trying to fight it. I did get saying goodbye to Ryan before they switched machine off but that memory of my poor boy lying there will live with me forever .Message me anytime if you feel like talking - take care .

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Hi Carl sorry for your loss. My James died 8 weeks ago, he was only 33 As far as I’m concerned my life is over I’m a shadow of the woman I used to be
Its bloody hard it really is
We have to believe our boys are with god and one day we will be reunited x


Hi Ryans mum

Family and friends have been supportive but I know they are struggling with what to say, some think because they have lost someone in their family they know what it is like and they don’t, its not the same this is your own flesh and blood, your child the one you held and its different the love I have for my son is different from the love I have for my parents or my sisters its deeper more, sorry you know exactly what I am saying and what I am going through. This is why I reached out here, I know I should get professional help but if that person has not gone through with what I am going through how can they understand. I am so sorry for such a scattering conversation but my mind just can not focus… I want to know why he died, how he died but until we get the skin tissue and blood results back which could take up to another 3 more weeks we don’t know how or why yet. I am getting a cabinet to put his favourite cap in with his hair in a glass dome, see all random I am sorry but thank you x

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Hi Eleni
I am sorry about your James. That is how I feel my life has no meaning. I don’t want to get up I don’t want to do the things I should do, its so hard and I know I got to but a simple thing will take me ages to do now as I just can not think straight, my mind is a complete mess so many question and no answer. I know my life will never be the same and yes i worry about how far spiraling down I will go but knowing that I am not alone with this feeling and having sorry to say but people who have lost a child to talk is helping even if its making no sense to anyone just talking is helping me so thank you x

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Dear Carl71

I’m so sorry to read about your son and I know your pain.
It will always be with you, be part of you but you will learn to manage it…that doesn’t seem possible now I know and when people said it to me, frankly I didn’t believe them.

I couldn’t see a point to my own life as of course losing a child is like no other loss. I’ve another son and also grandchildren and other family and a husband- I couldn’t add to their grief but I was paralysed and didn’t want to carry on.

My son Henry died in October 2019…he was just 15 days past his 30th birthday.

Those feelings of desperation do slowly become less…be kind to yourself and just try to get through the next hour.
It’s such early days for you and the shock is still with you.

Do you have other family, children? Keep in touch with people here - this site is amazing with such kind people all there for each other.

Lastly I would recommend meditation. My other son suggested it and it has helped me tremendously.
I use an app called Headspace. It calms me when I get panicky - which is far less often now.

I wish I could take your pain away​:cry: none of us want to be here without our lovely children. :broken_heart:

Warm hugs

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Dear Purple,

Thank you and I am sorry to hear about your son it is so hard.
I do have other children and a partner who is so very supportive of me and is trying her best, she also loved C.J like her own and has found it hard, for there sakes I am carrying on however its just motions.
I know its so early and I know I have a long road ahead but wanted to reach out as soon as I could to help stop me falling too deep…
Its cruel and unfair and it should not be him there its the wrong way round, I should go before my kids. But I have been thinking about make a patch outside into a memorable garden where we can visit and seeing if the others would like to help me so they don’t feel left out as I know I am in so much pain but I am so trying to remember they have feelings too. I want the pain to go but part of me wants to hold on to it too. Does this make sense at all.

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Dear Carl71

Yes I understand about holding onto the pain. At the beginning it seems impossible to untangle the pain from our lost child…it’s sort of entwined into your love for them. Time and focus on others does weaken the binding….but grief is great at ambushing you. :cry::broken_heart:

Doing a memorial area is such a wonderful positive idea. Sharing your grief helps but I found that with family and friends they also had their grief for Henry…so this site really saved me. Still does at times.

Let the tears come and somehow you will work a way through it…you all will.

I realised that every day that passes takes me further from my lovely boy and that was awful…. and then I thought that every day too is a day closer to being reunited with him. That helps.

In the meantime I’ve my other son and grandchildren too. They are a reason to be positive. None of us are here permanently after all so I try and use my days kindly.

I’ll never get over what happened and writing to you reminds me again……but I’m forever grateful to have had Henry for 30 years.

Keep in touch with us all.

Sending you all hugs

Thank you Purple and I am so sorry for reminding you, and of the pain caused sorry but I feel that This place could be my safe haven, a place where I can let out my emotions and chat to similar people so thank you.

Only we know the pain - I get upset when people compare relatives dying - it’s just not the same - for your child to take their own life because they were so tormented is unbearable to think about . Like you I have lots of photographs, lock of hair, garden has a wee shrine, I’m getting a bench , I just want anything to help me through feeling so helpless & heartbroken :broken_heart:

I’m having a bad evening miss James don’t know how to begin living my life without him

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Ryans mum

I have a lock of C.J hair yet to be put into a glass dome, I got his favourite cap waiting to be put into a glass cabinet as I will not let anyone touch it or put it on as he was the last to wear it, I got his xbox as he liked gaming for the other boys to play but I have to delete his profile first as to reset it but not ready to do that yet, my partner is going to do the flowers and put artificial ones in place of the dying ones, as she got gates of heaven display, my mum got me a fingerprint keyring of C.J and I know a lot of people would find it all too much but I need these things around me it makes him feel somewhat closer is that crazy or normal behaviour, I do not know .thank you for helping me x

Eleni I do not know where or how I can help but you have listened to me so I am here for you too, please if I can I will help a friend.

Anything that helps you through this - there’s no manual it’s whatever helps you through your pain / take care my friend

Don’t be sorry honestly- I’m used to the emotions but not always ready for them. Sometimes it’s like I dreamt it and he’s still here.

I actually sent a text to Henry’s about three months ago…why?? He’d find that funny!

You’re doing so well sharing how you feel. Keep doing that.


Having a really bad day today, struggling to want to go on, I know I have to think of the other children and my wife I have but when all I really want is to crawl up and slip to be with my C.J. just thought if I say it out on here it may help me some how that’s all. Pic of my C.J

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Hi Carl - I’m having a bad day too - and I totally understand you wanting to be with CJ but there has been enough pain & grief in our families and CJ would want you here to look after them. I just want so much to be with Ryan - I’m watching a daft programme today called Love Island and the tears flow as my Ryan will never be here to be loved, get married , have children. All I do know is he filled 28 years of my life with lots of love and happiness and as I was privileged to have such a wonderful son - I’ve got friends who don’t speak to their son - have no relationship with them / I feel I wear a rucksack every day and just now it’s filled with heavy rocks hopefully as the years go by it will be pebbles but I’m always going to have that rucksack / I have to also believe that Ryan is about me all the time and hates watching me being sad and you have to believe your CJ feels the same - talk to him - I write a diary to Ryan every day / I’m so sorry your feeling so bad but know we are all sharing This pain together x

I know how you feel my son James died 9 weeks ago, I just want to die & be with him. Iv never ever express this heartache, pain torture
I hate waking up in the morning knowing that his not here. He was 33 years old & died of a heart attack im so unhappy
We are sailing the same ship, we just have to take one day at the time till we see them again in heaven if there is such a place
Unfair I hear you guys yes its awful
May God help us all in this grief