Since my partner died so unexpectedly I just keep thinking what is the point in life? I sit here thinking about all the people who I once had in my life who are no longer here mainly my nan and grandad, my mother and my wonderful partner of 17 years. All the important people that I cared about and loved most in life are gone. I’m only 38, I feel so alone, I just don’t feel like life has any purpose or meaning anymore, the only positive thing now is knowing that I’ll never feel greif like this again because I have no one left who could break me now. I can’t help but feel sorry for myself and angry that this is the hand I was dealt in life. I see people in their sixties who still have their parents around and their partner and I feel so jealous. I feel angry that my mam died at the age of 42 with cancer and suffered terribly, my partner who was the most loving caring man you could imagine deserved so much more than this. I just feel so full of anger and resentment and hate life right now. I just don’t want to be here anymore 
Hi LostLil,
I’m so sorry to hear about what you’re going through since the unexpected loss of your partner. It sounds as though things are very tough and you are feeling so alone at the moment.
It sounds like you’re looking for support and I’m glad that you’ve been able to talk about how you’re feeling here. We know that a lot of people experience suicidal thoughts during their grief journey. We have a video about it here which you might find helpful:
https://griefguide.sueryder.org/support/suicide
There is lots of other support out there, and I would really encourage you to reach out and speak to someone about how you are feeling.
- If these thoughts of suicide become overwhelming, please call 999 or contact your GP for an emergency appointment immediately.
- Samaritans are available 24/7 to talk about anything that you are worried about in confidence. You can call them on 116 123.
- Shout are contactable by text, 24/7. You can text SHOUT to 85258 and talk to them about anything.
- You can also find your local NHS urgent mental health helpline .
Sue Ryder offers an online bereavement counselling service. This is a free service and sessions are held via video chat so you can attend from home. There’s more information about this service here: sueryder.org/counselling.
You can also make an appointment with your GP and ask to be referred to counselling or other support services in your area.
You deserve care and support so please, LostLil, get in touch with one of these services.
Take care,
Alex
Hi, I too have felt the same but most recently it’s changed and hasn’t been at the front of my mind. My husband of 20 years died in September, I’m 38 too. My dad died in 2018, I still have my mum but she’s 81, life can be so depressing at times, it’s hard to get out of that way of thinking.
I keep obsessing over there being an afterlife, so I can see my husband again. If there’s nothing, I feel as if, we might as well, all be dead now, as it’s all so pointless. My mum and her friend were talking about their ill health and feeling lonely especially throughout the winter and I thought " is this all I have to look forward to?" Ending up old, frail and alone? I have 5 kids so I keep going for them, I don’t actually want to die, but do feel hard to get out of this black hole that I’m in sometimes. X
I’m exactly the same, obsessing over life after death and signs our loved ones are still around us. I’m just desperate to believe he’s there somewhere and he’s at peace and I’ll see him again. The thought of there being nothing is hard and like you I would also feel that this whole life is pointless. We’ve both always worked such long hours and did so much overtime thinking we would have house security and be able to enjoy ourselves travelling in the years to come, why did we even bother? It was all so pointless and now I wish we’d taken it a bit easier and did more when we had the chance. I think I’ll find summer the worst, we always loved spending time outdoors and would go walking regularly and would sit out the garden for hours with a bottle of wine each on a Saturday evening. We’d grow lots of things in the garden too, it was our happy place. Nothing in life is ever going to feel the same again, I don’t want to grow into a frail old lonely lady either. That sounds like my worst nightmare tbh 
I’m glad that recently your loss isn’t at the front of your mind as much now, there’s nothing worse than it being all consuming 
We can only hope that with time it changes and we do feel differently. It’s hard, I know. I hate the changes of the seasons as I keep thinking he isn’t here to see them.
I used to hate it when people would say “you’ll find a new normal”. I didn’t want a new normal!!! I want my familiar life back. Everything still feels so strange. I always think “what would I have been doing now, if he was still here?” I have periods where I do nothing a lot, that’s when I notice it the most. When I lye in I never know when to get up as I feel there’s nothing to get up for. I think I might be going through the depression stage, I hate constantly trying to work out what stage of grief I’m at too. The yearning and longing was awful! it’s a real restless feeling I never really knew existed before, I can’t imagine ever getting to the acceptance stage but can only hope it don’t feel this bad forever. Xx
@Kat1984 and @LostLil I lost my wife last October, we were together for 50 years and the pain is awful but I can’t even imagine your pain at such young ages at losing so much of your future hopes with your loved ones.
Grief is overwhelming and chaotic at first and is not a simple process as we are all different people and in different circumstances. We all look for answers to understand what is happening to us and why. The stages of grief model you refer to was based on people facing terminal illness and the stages were never meant to be in order and you could have any of these at any time. I think the posts on here are a better guide for you as they come direct from the reality of experience. I read a lot of posts before I joined this site properly and found many could have been written by myself and the understanding of others here a source of great help in processing what happened. It is such a painful experience and I’m sure you will both find empathy and support from each other and many others here who are also on this terrible journey none of us ever chose. Love to you both xx
@LostLil and @Kat1984 i could have wrote these posts myself. I lost my amazing hubby last oct so very suddenly and unexpectedly from a cardiac arrest, we were both 47 , i feel like my life ended then too. Ive been asking whats the point all the time too. We have no kids so nothing really to get up and out of bed for. We both worked for the nhs so very tough days, but we had a plan to be financially secure and enjoted holidays and planned to retire early. Well all thats gone now. I dont want a new normal, i want my old life back. Finding the changing of the clocks tough as like others have said, we loved the outdoors, going for long walks, sitting out in the garden of an evening with a beer or glass of wine supporting each other after a long day in work. I still cant face going back to work, feel too angry and irritable, and whats the point. Would find it tough to come home to an empty house and no Bri to comfort and support me after a tough day. Its so unfair we find ourselves in the club no one wants to be in and i cant see how it will ever get any better. The support on this group helps to know we’re not in this alone and that otgers feel the same. Love to everyone. Xx
It’s so terribly hard isn’t it? It’s been a couple of months for you and I’m sorry you are still feeling this way. I think I’m going to be the same, I can’t imagine a day where I feel “fine” again. I’m getting a bit fed up of friends and family texting me every day asking if I’m “OK” I reply yes I’m getting there but of course I’m not “Ok” I’m absolutely heartbroken. I get moments where I think to myself I should be grateful to have spent 17 wonderful years with him and for the memories and home we made together and I am grateful, truly greatful but this hurt is killing me
I remember friends and family messaging me everyday asking how I felt that day. It became so annoying as I thought it was obvious that I wouldn’t feel much different day by day. In the beginning I just felt anxious and would tell everyone that. My vicar told me to tell them I was fine for my own sake even if I wasn’t. They do soon tire of asking, in fact it’s been 6 months for me now and no one really asks. I guess life moves on for others but for us it stays raw!
Yes I imagine in six months time nobody will be asking then as we are expected to move on and adjust to our “new normal” Like you say it’s almost like people expect you to feel differently or somehow better overnight, it’s so annoying. I know they mean well though. Another thing thats been annoying me is everyone hugging me all the time, I’ve never been a huggy person with just anyone, I loved a cuddle off my partner but he’s the only person in the world I’d ever actually want to hug and cwtch. I do feel like telling people I’m finding all the awkward hugs awkward but I don’t want to be rude either. Since he died I’ve done nothing around the house, every day I get up and tell myself I need to do a bit of cleaning or do some washing and I end up doing nothing
@LostLil @Kat1984 @Skip
I could have written all your posts. The pain is horrendous and the world keeps moving without my partner who died suddenly 9wks ago today. My loss is huge and unless you’ve been through it, you’ll never appreciate the pain. Tuesday there will be a memorial for my partner , I’m hoping I will get through it ok. I’m 57, a young 57, I’m not ready to hang up my life and stop. I’m miss my partner and our future, we had so many plans and adventures to do. I don’t want to do them on my own! That wasn’t the plan! We bought a camper van and had so many places to go and see! I don’t want to do that on my own, I wasn’t born to be alone. I hate my own company!
I guess now I have to get used to it!
I’m sorry you are all feeling so lost and hurting, I’m sorry that your loved ones couldn’t stay on this earth. It’s so unfair !!! I hope the coming days for you are kind x
I hope everything goes as well as you can hope during the memorial 
Same, I hate my own company too. I also am not ready to stop living my life but have no intentions of travelling alone. My friends all have lives, partners and kids of their own. People say oh you’re young you need to enjoy your life and move on, it’s what he would have wanted but I have no intention of ever meeting someone else. With him I belonged, we fit so well together. We shared the same love of the outdoors, knew the same people, had the same sense of humour and enjoyed the same things. We were like two peas in a pod, he was perfect for me. When we’d go on holidays we would both want to do the same excursions or visit the same places anyway, it was just right. I can’t imagine travelling alone and how lonely that would be. I like to go places and see things but what’s the point in doing it alone?
Im so sorry you find yourself in this club too. The memorial sounds a lovely idea, i hope its everything you want it to be.
Its so unfair that youve been robbed of all your future holidays and advrntures together. I cant bear the thought of going on holiday on my own, although ive recently been having ideas of borrowing my friends campervan just me and my doggie. Getting away for abit. Its so tough being in the empty house, knowing hes not coming home.
Sending love to you all
Ditto to all that!!
Yes, I’ve found I get anxious as I approach home. It’s a stark reality that he’s not there anymore. I’ve just bought a puppy so I was thinking the same. Me, the dog going off in the camper but I think I’ll just be as lonely, just in a different place. It horrifies me! I’m not a loner. But I’ll try anything once. Just one or two nights and see. I might be pleasantly surprised!
A few nights away might help, tho same sh## just somewhere different. But at least youll have your pup with you. Dogs are great therapy. I truly believe Bri sent Bailey to me 2 mtgs ago. Hes a rescue and hes really helped me. Xx
@LostLil i think that about never moving on: I couldn’t even look at someone that way without feeling ill, however I realise how young we are. Is it realistic to think we will be by ourselves forever? It’s a scary thought. I also get scared that if I do eventually meet someone else and move on, will I not think of him or miss him that much? Everything is so scary, as it’s the unknown. I get jealous of couples, especially ones I know, why have they still got their partners and I haven’t? Then I hate feeling that way as it’s not their fault.
My kids made a good point, I was with my husband 20 years but I could live another 40+ years which is double the time I was with my husband. It’s terrifying to think of it like that, also I’m angry that before this I always wanted to live healthily so I could live to be a good age. It’s just changed my whole outlook on everything.
Same with us, we kept fairly fit, always went walking, ate well enough, didn’t smoke and only drank one night on the weekend, we both hoped that we’d be fit and active in our old age just like our neighbours who are mid seventies and still enjoying life. Didn’t do him much good though I know what you mean when you say the thought of spending the next 40 years alone is scary, it is. I also get jealous that some couples are still both together well into old age, I don’t actually know anybody personally who has lost a long term partner at our age. My friend had an ex boyfriend die last year but they hadn’t been together for a few years before that. There’s a lot of older people who I know have lost their husband or wife in their sixties or seventies but it’s such a shock and so bloody unfair that this is our situation in our thirties 
I recognise all of these feelings . I lost my 26yr old daughter 10 weeks ago through illness and i just think …what was the point in all her suffering and fighting for it all to end in death anyway??. Ive never suffered from anxiety but i do now and although i have amazing patient friends i cant find the energy or will to speak to them much or leave the house
I’m so sorry for your loss. I agree, there’s so much suffering and illness in the world I just don’t know what the point of it all is. Why do some people suffer so horribly at such a young age when others get a peaceful death in old age. It’s all just so cruel and senseless