Reading other posts has helped me a little

Today I woke up sad and the grief is growing. I have to send documents to solicitors and such like but I am almost unwilling to do it. Is it because it will be just another bit of our lives together that will be closed? I think so. I can hardly type these words for the tears. Does anyone, like me, ask why they lost their loved one who was kind, gentle and loving when there are so many bad people still breathing? I know it’s a selfish thing to say but I ask myself this every day. I’m so unhappy…

Hi know the feelings to well done inheritance tax probate etc then was told my husbands name should come off our title deeds to the house because if anything happens to me my kids would have to sort it like erasing them from our lives it’s heartbreaking sending love x

I continually ask why this should have happened to my beautiful, loving, caring girl. She was healthy, fit and full of vigour but collapsed and died within eight hours from a brain bleed. This was on the 1st May and ever since then I cannot bear to have anything changed in the house otherwise I would feel I am losing more of her. I miss her more each day and doubt if I will ever recover from the loss. The pain and loneliness is excruciating. Reading and posting on this site helps simply because it’s a slight distraction from my negative thoughts.
My thoughts are with you through this desperate struggle. xx AL

And my thoughts are with you also. Take care.

It just seems that everything from the joint names on the deeds, his bank bank accounts, car, everything is disappearing except the sadness and my memories. I suppose in the end that is all I will have of him to carry me through. Lovely loving memories.

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I got a letter addressed to Frankie today from the GMB. I was upset because as his payments came out of his wages I assumed they would know why his subs hadn’t been paid. His workplace has full time union reps so no excuse for this error surely.
I also constantly ask myself why him who wouldn’t harm a fly when there are vile scumbags stealing my oxygen. It’s simply not fair is it

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No, it doesn’t feel like it.

I feel that too, that Malcolm is slowly slipping from my life, the life we shared. And the tragedy is. we just want to hang on to them and not let them go. Our bank account is in joint names and I asked if I could leave it like that, couldn’t face the thought of taking his name off it. Think it’s only temporary but am not pushing it! He was such a hoarder but everything is just as he left it, makes the house feel more like the home we shared somehow. Sending love to all on here going through this thing, for which I can’t even find words today xx

Awful feeling isn’t it? Sadness seems to hang over me like a heavy blanket that somedays I manage to remove for a while. I try so hard to keep the love and the closeness alive but I think this could be a losing battle as there’s just me here…

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Yes it’s funny how you can have .short bursts of almost normality . Think it gets harder every day, the feeling of loneliness and being alone is heartbreaking, Covid 19 just adds to it all doesn’t it .xx

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Yes it does. But I think that I would still be as lost if there were no such thing as Covid 19. I see couples who look to be the same age as David and me, and it makes me feel so sad. Perhaps not being able to go out as before is a blessing in disguise.

I know what you mean, that part is a blessing for us as is the fact that we’re not really missing a holiday this year. , as most people are too. But we’re in another lockdown in Calderdale and I miss my daughter son and grandchildren so much though I know I’m lucky and shouldn’t complain because I have my other son living next door. But the truth is, no one can replace that wonderful special person we’ve lost xxx

This is true. I live in Bradford and again there are new restrictions in place. It’s the first year which I imagine is going to be the most painful. The first wedding anniversary without him and the first Christmas too. We lost David in June so it’s still early days for all of us. This October would have been our 49th anniversary and 53 years since we met at senior school.

Robette we are on parallel lines! I live in Hebden Bridge and did my teacher training in Bradford. Also, Malcolm was born in Ilkley. And it was our 49th wedding anniversary at the end of July , I was dreading it! But went out for a meal with our son and daughter in law, bought him a card and tried to make something out of. Feeling the odd one was horrible and seeing couples all enjoying themselves was a bitter pill to swallow but we managed to have a nice time and I only cried hen II got home. So lonely going home by yourself isn’t it. But I’m glad I did it and would urge you to too,. It’s one hurdle dealt with!! Coincidentally it’s 53 years since we met, too, at College. Yes , the first year must be the worst but I’m further along than you as Malcolm died at the end of April. Don’t be surprised if you start to feel worse in a couple of months time, it’s really hit me recently, I think shock can last longer than we expect and it takes a long time for realisation to finally sink in. Sending love xx

I find the realisation arrived hard hitting and gut wrenching but the acceptance of his death is something that I have to come to terms with. I know I am not going to have him hold me in his arms or chide me for staying up until the wee small hours or a million other things we share with our lifetime, loving partners but at the same time I cannot seem to accept this and so the aching goes on. I will go to a little park where there is a pond that he used to fish and if possible I’ll walk round it the way we used to. That will be my anniversary present to honour my husband. Yes, the word shock is so right as the waves will continue with us for a very very long time. Take care bjane it seems we are almost two of a kind in this sad respect. xx

These posts have moved me to yet more tears! It’s just me and our 8 cats now here in Liverpool. I started to feel much more upset recently, Gerry died 25 May so it’s 13 weeks today. I believe that we are so upset as we loved them and were loved by them so very much. It has helped me so much to read that other people feel the same and reassuring that I am not going mad!! Take care all xx

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Hi Janet, I know what you mean about being reassured that you’re not going mad! I think it’s because we don’t know what to expect, we’ve never been in this position before . And stupidly, I was applying logic and assuming that this heartbreaking grief would somehow follow a pattern yet I felt like I was going backwards. Now I’m just trying to go with it and stop overthinking!
8 cats. Wow! I’ve just got a lovely rescue cat and caring for him gives some sense of purpose, I’m sure 8 will keep you busy! Take care xxx

Today I have decided to make appointments to close David’s bank accounts. One in particular he opened so many years ago I think our eldest, who is now 48, was just a toddler. The thought of them closing forever just makes me weep. I know that this is a normal reaction but it is just so sad. Another piece of his life will have disappeared . It’s a lovely August afternoon but it means nothing. Going for a walk on your own makes me feel even lonlier.

Dear Robette
I lost my husband in June. Today my daughters were helping me sort out the last of the financial stuff I needed to send to the solicitors. We came across his last cheque book and my daughter said ‘you need to shred that now, Mum’ and I felt the tears welling up.
So I know EXACTLY how you feel! It is so hard to dispose of anything that belonged to them. It’s as if we are chucking them out of our lives. I know that’s silly and not the case but it is still heartbreaking. Somehow we have to get through this. My thoughts are with you and anyone else who is having trouble disposing of stuff they need to dispose of, but don’t want to.

Me too, ladies, I know just how you both feel as I’m finding it difficult to
Part with any of Malcolm’s things, just can’t do it. And it feels awful looking in his desk and wardrobe, etc, feels like I shouldn’t be doing it, it felt like I was snooping and betraying his trust. I still have his name on our joint bank account and will keep it there as long as I can. Love to you both xx