The bank accounts are the only concessions I’m making right now. Everything else stays. David died in June also. We had 6 weeks and 2 days from the day we were given the awful news that his cancer was terminal, aggressive and they could not find the source but that he had months, not years, to live. He fought it for 44 days and my arms were round his frail shoulders when he died. I look though his wardrobe fondly, and hold his favourite jumper close. It still has the smell of his eau de toilette. His toiletries are just where he last used them and every so often I recharge his toothbrush. As I’ve said, I know he will not be returning but accepting this is not possible right now. Thank you for sharing your own heartaches. I am sure in the coming months we shall need each others care and support. xxxx Much love to all of you.
Oh Robette. how sad for you and how sad that makes me feel for you. To live through those six weeks must have been torture, especially when you, like all of us, have always done all you can to care for your husband . Malcolm had a stroke and.never regained consciousness, which was so much kinder for him. But still I wonder if we could have done more to save him, more compressions, been more efficient with the defibrillator, the agony goes on. But keeping everything as it was helps a lot, he didn’t have an electric toothbrush but I do keep his phone charged! And of course we’re not daft enough to think they’re coming back as I think it appears to some I know. We’re not in denial, just keeping our beloved husbands close. Night night, love and a hug xx
Like many of us, I’m keeping June’s clothes and things. Her nam is still on our joint bank accounts, and she still has her own acount, and her phone, and all her things are as she left them in the bathroom. I know she’s not comming back, but i can’t just get rid of things, like Jane says, it feels like snooping and betraying trust.
We knew June was terminal, so made the most of the tiem, but at the end it wasn’t cancer that took her, like your malcolm, a massive stroke and she didn’t regain conciousness.
Take care all
D
So reassuring somehow that others react in the same way , whatever others may say. And how heartbreaking it is to know that we never had a chance to say good bye to them ,tell them one last time how much we loved them. . Although they knew of course, but still. Hope you’re coping and this predicted storm doesn’t do any harm to June’s lovely garden x
bjane - how are you finding the sad days of October? I am not coping very well. The 9th is our wedding anniversary and the 16th will be 53 years since we first met. I’ve become snappy and weepy, even with our children. I feel so empty…
Robette so sorry you’re not feeling good. The thought of those upcoming anniversaries will be making you feel so sad and alone, thinking of what you’ll never have again. My bad month was July, our wedding anniversary and Malc’s birthday and it just is something you have to get through. Are you thinking of doing anything on that date? I know everyone feels differently but I decided to go out with our son and his fiancée for a nice meal, somewhere I’d never been with Malc. He was so generous and I know he’d have been happy that I treated them and I also had a glass of red wine , which he loved and I
hate, just for him. And yes, it was hard being the odd one without my man by my side but it’s something we have to get used to so it seemed a good time to start. What bothered me most was a couple next to us on their phones the whole time, not a word exchanged. I wanted to tell them to cherish each other, it could all end in a heartbeat. But none of us knew what was round the corner, thank goodness. You two must have met in 1967 same as us , a lifetime ago and yet sometimes it seems like only yesterday doesn’t it. I hope today is a bit better for you, take care. Sending love xx
Thinking of you today Robette, I know what you’re going through. Sending love xxx
So glad you got my message. I remember our earlier exchanges and the 2 of us realising we had thi gs in common. David’s birthday was the 24th July but he didn’t live that long. All the family went out for a meal but with
Thank you. My earlier message never was sent. I’m going to go to the place where he used to fish. It’s a lovely pond on an estate not far from the village I come from. I feel empty…
I hope you find some peace today at that beautiful spot . I know what you mean about feeling empty , it’s as if everything’s been ripped out and there’s nothing left. Go to his favourite fishing place and pour out your heart to him. xxx
I’m sat here crying for a man who I love but cannot talk to, laugh with , love with, share things with. He died in June and I know it is early days but I don’t think I will ever feel any different than I do now. Please excuse the spelling mistakes but I cannot see the keyboard on my phone. I SO want him back and know that this will NEVER happen. My heart has broken.
Robette my heart aches for you, I feel just the same. Last night I caught the last few day’s
minutes of “Us” and just broke down. It was This new phone!! the sight of the couple just embracing and it all came over me, that terrible sense of loss, everything we’ll never have again and I sobbed like I hadn’t for days. I keep thinking it’s calming down but in fact it just seems to build up until the dam bursts.And on top of all that we have to cope with the dread of what else they are going to impose on us up here today. A real North/ London divide now. Well, we’ve all got each other on here and we’ll do our best to keep going and support each other. Sending love xxx
hand do you think we will ever stop crying? I don’t think I will. I try to keep my grief to myself so as not to upset the children and grandchildren. On here with you I can be myself, knowing that we are both still so much in love with our lifetime men. I wish you well, so much, but I wish you peace xx
Same here Robette, they have their own grief to deal with and we don’t want to add to it. But sometimes it’s hard not to let the mask slip and such a relief to let it all out here with those who understand. No, I don’t think the tears will ever stop, how can they when our world has just disintegrated. But I hope we do find some kind of peace eventually, wishing that for you xxx
Hello Robette, thinking of you and hoping you’re all right x
Went up to Northcliffe Park in Shipley on Friday. It’s opposite where we went on our first date, the pictures to see Jungle Book! It made me realise that I cannot go back to places we went together, it felt so quiet and lonely. Last night I dreamt about David. It was similar but not the same. Different house, he was walking and I was by his side. I woke up in floods of tears. I was staying at our daughter’s house and left to come home at 05:45. I now realise just how selfish I was. I spent too much time at our childrens houses when I should have been with David. Now I have lost the one person I should have taken more time with. I deserve to be unhappy.
It’s heartbreaking going to the places you used to visit together. I know there are lots of special places I couldn’t face at the moment. Even local supermarkets reduce me to tears, remembering him being there with me and us choosing things together , just seeing things he used to like cause a breakout. My eyes fill with tears if I get near the cinema in Hebden, , it’s closed at the moment but the thought that we’ll never stand on those steps holding hands and waiting for the doors to open makes me feel inconsolable. You certainly don’t deserve to be unhappy, we all have regrets and probably all would have done things differently had we known our time together was limited. But we didn’t know and hindsight is a wonderful thing. It’s natural to spend time at our children’s houses , we just assume our partners will always be there, that there will always be time. But please don’t blame yourself, none of us knew this would be the terrible outcome
, we just did the best we could at the time. Look after yourself x
This will take some time to come to terms with. Last night was the first dream that I could recall and I had to get back here because I was so upset. We all miss our loved ones. I wish there was some way of easing the pain for a while, but there isn’t. Having got through these two events I can’t look forward to Christmas. I know I can’t…
Hi Robette,
I really don’t think you deserve to be unhappy. Very few of us spent every minute of every day with our partners ,by force of circumstances. Work and other family needs will have got in the way so to speak. I, like you, feel guilty that I spent too much time caring for my elderly parents who were determined to be independent but actually were not as able as they insisted. I lost count of how many emergencies had to be dealt with. When my husband collapsed and died suddenly I was three hours away caring for my elderly mum who was grieving for my father, her husband of 72 years. His death hit her particularly hard and naturally she became a priority for care. She was going to move in with us but illness had delayed her house sale and move. After many many months of to-ing and fro-ing, the last conversation I had with my husband was a few hours before he died, following a visit from the estate agent to value her house and start the process of her moving to live with us. I can remember him saying ‘i told you things would work out’ . Our last ever phone call and his usual optimism.
I can’t regret what we did for my parents but if I’d had any idea that my husband actually had a heart defect which would contribute to his sudden death of course we would have done things differently. We were operating on a deeply flawed system of priorities but at the time we had no idea.
We had delayed downsizing while we accommodated our two sons enabling them to concentrate on their careers or relationships. We had had a very happy family life but at 64 we were looking forward to ‘our time’ which never came. We hoped for a few years of active retirement with a mixture of self indulgence and supporting family members. My husband had a very good life but certain dreams were unfulfilled and that will forever be a source of huge regret to me. I don’t want to fulfill them on my own.
I am sure you had very good reasons for spending time at your children’s houses. It’s clear that you loved your husband very much , as I did mine. As Bjane so wisely says, hindsight is a wonderful thing. None of us realised how little time we had left. What we were doing was the right thing at the time.
I beat myself up every day about how much time I missed latterly with my husband. I constantly rewrite the script leading up to his death. Reading your post has helped me put it in a different perspective. I hope you in turn can take solace from the reassurance of others. Take care.