Every day I wish I wasn’t here, I know it’s wrong but I do wish for the worst to happen to me, I wouldn’t do anything to myself because I don’t know if that is wrong in the spiritual angle & I wouldn’t not want to meet my beloved on the other side if it exists. I haven’t got a job at the moment as my partner was the earner because I looked after my mother so now I’ve got that worry as well & the thought of losing my house. I really can’t take much more of this world it is killing me inside.
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I am so sorry to read of your loss but want you to know you are loved & cared for.
I have found this place an oasis to come to when events get to much at times.
Just writing what you have touches me and I’m sure all who read it,
You are of value and worth. Losing a loved one brings pain words are inadequate to describe.
What has helped me is volunteering honestly. I help at our local foodbank and the mothers & toddlers group (I am a nearly 76 year young great grandad). I’m certain you would find as I have that distraction helps us in our grief.
I lost my beloved Marian 27th May, 2022 and sometimes it feels ages ago but other times like yesterday. I determined everything I did would be in honour of her memory. I even count learning to cook an achievement as she guarded “her kitchen’ like a lioness. When she cooked no one could disturb the cooking delicacies she made.
Please feel free to come back here, we all “get it” and fully understand the pain and loneliness of grief.
Shalom & in my prayers, john (and marian) 
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I get it , I feel the same x the think I think of is he would be so angry with me if I left life and if it was the other way round I’d be so angry with him . I’d want him to enjoy life x it’s all so so sad and painful , just take one hour at a time x
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Hi @Emz,
I’m so sorry to hear about the loss of your beloved. It sounds as though things are very tough and you are struggling a lot without them.
It sounds like you’re looking for support and I’m glad that you’ve been able to talk about how you’re feeling here. We know that a lot of people experience similar thoughts and feelings during their grief journey. We have a video about it here which you might find helpful:
https://griefguide.sueryder.org/support/suicide
There is lots of other support out there, and I would really encourage you to reach out and speak to someone about how you are feeling.
- If these thoughts of suicide become overwhelming, please call 999 or contact your GP for an emergency appointment immediately.
- Samaritans are available 24/7 to talk about anything that you are worried about in confidence. You can call them on 116 123.
- Shout are contactable by text, 24/7. You can text SHOUT to 85258 and talk to them about anything.
- You can also find your local NHS urgent mental health helpline .
Sue Ryder offers an online bereavement counselling service. This is a free service and sessions are held via video chat so you can attend from home. There’s more information about this service here: sueryder.org/counselling.
You can also make an appointment with your GP and ask to be referred to counselling or other support services in your area.
You deserve care and support so please, Emz, get in touch with one of these services.
Take care,
Alex
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I know how you are feeling - I have been the same since my husband passed.
I don’t want to be here anymore, I don’t understand why I am still here. Everyday I wish I was taken instead of him, or taken with him.
I have had the thoughts of ending things myself as my life is so empty without him … But, with my bad luck I would not be successful. I know my husband wouldn’t want me to do that either.
I am only trying to continue for our pets. I know many wouldn’t understand that, but the boys are my kids (no children) also not your normal pet, so not easy to re-home.
For me (I have mentioned this on one of the other conversations) … I feel this is my punishment for failing my husband - I am now meant to suffer, so many things going wrong.
Please know you are not alone… If you ever need to chat, vent anything, I’m more than happy to listen.
I don’t sleep, will check in on here more regularly if anyone needs a chat.
I can’t promise I’ll be much help, but will certainly try.
Sending you big hugs x
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@Emz - I know how hard it can be and everyone here is with you. You are loved very, very much. Worry about money and security, in grief, is a brutal double-whammy. I know as I went through the collapse of my husband’s business and a conflict on a building project in which he was invested. It was horrible and all when my heart was broken into a thousand pieces after Tom died. I got some advice and support - practical and professional - and that got me through the worst of the financial pressure. I am ok now and all set - the relief is enormous and allows me to grieve my loss without worrying about other stuff. Maybe contact your local Citizens Advice or check in the library to see if there are any services available to help you plan your financial situation. The worst thing is not knowing where you stand or not knowing what steps you can take. We are with you, my friend. Hold tight x
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@Kel2 Yes I can recall you saying you have ducks, how unusual & different, nice. This life is so very cruel!!
@Vancouver thank you for your advice it means a lot.
Thanks both for being there!
I could never have imagined this happening to me at such a young age (46) thought we’d have many years ahead of us but that obviously wasn’t meant to be & now my wonderful life has ended & the unbearable existence begins!
Love & peace to all 
xx
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@Emz
The boys (ducks) bless them… I absolutely love ducks, my Baldy bought them for me/us - had them since they were a day old (they’ll be 9 this May) - they are our babies.
Ducks don’t like ‘change’ … They had to do a lot of ‘adapting’ as Baldy became ill and not seeing him.
I had Baldy home the night before his funeral so I could show ‘daddy’ to the boys and explain that this would be the last time they see him as he’s gone to sleep (call me stupid I know)
It’s strange, the one who seemed to really be listening and taking nite is the one we always called “daddy’s boy”
And since then, when they come in at night, he was constantly beside me or watching me - like he stepped up to be ‘man of the house’ (again call me stupid) - they are my life savers x
It is so hard, I’m 45 - I thought we had so many years ahead of us, growing old together. That’s been ripped away from me and I’m shattered.
Those that say, move on, it’ll get easier, go out … I hate it.
I’m no social butterfly, none of that helps. The only one I’ve ever needed is the one that’s gone.
We are now having to try start a ‘new’ life … I think the support we have with eachother here will help xx
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Know how you feel lost my Mum to cancer 8th oct 2019 then found out my husband had cancer march 2021 he passed away 20th oct last year stll trying to get over the lost of my Mum and now trying to cope with the lost of my Husband do not want to be here any more as i can not cope with all the pain i am feeling
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So sorry for your loss.
It’s awful losing 2 of the most important people in your life so close together.
I lost my dad to cancer January 2020, then my baldy last November… It has been so hard.
I wonder why I am still here?
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@Kel2 that’s not stupid at all, they are far more knowing than people give them credit for & so glad you’ve got them! The only thing keeping me going is my mother, I’ve got to live for her. Didn’t realise you were around my age (& my partner died in November too), most say because you’re so young, you’ll find someone else but I don’t want anyone else, she was “the one” & that will never change. This pain is so unbearable but like you say, it’s nice to have here to come too!
@sue11 I am so sorry for your losses, always remember you’ve got here to come to, it does help.
Peace & love xx
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Some people seem to think because we are younger it’s “easier” … It’s really not. I’ve been told to move on and find someone else. I don’t want to find someone else.
I found my special person, I will wait until I can be with him again xx
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Hi Kel2, I have similar thoughts. I often think, what would I do if a car driver would loose control of the car and mount the pavement. Would I just stand still or would I try to get out of the way? Knowing my luck I would only be badly injured. How it is possible that everything that can go wrong does go wrong. So many more things have gone wrong the last 11 months since my brother died compared with the previous 16 years when my mother died in 2006. - But looking back all these year, I have to say that I am lucky. I have cheated death 4 times now. The last one was only last year. I had an operation, they had to take out 60cm of my intestines. I was later told that if they had operated one hour later, I would have died. - So, am I lucky or am I cursed? (It is like the half full or half empty question.) - Well, I think I will stay around a few more years, if I am lucky. - Tanks for reading. - Nick
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Hi Nick, wow - you have been through it. I’m glad you are seeing the more positive side to your survival rather than seeing yourself as being cursed (I know I have been feeling like that myself … It is difficult not to at times)
Something I used to think (have struggled to keep this since my husband passed) we all have a ‘reason/purpose’ to be here. Once we have fulfilled that ‘reason/purpose’ (we dont know what that purpose is) that’s when it is our time to move on.
Example - you have said you have “cheated death” … So maybe you haven’t fulfilled your ‘reason/purpose’ yet?
Does that make sense?
That in a way used to help me in processing losing loved one’s … Unfortunately I have lost my way on that since my husband passed - so struggling like hell and everything seems to be going wrong x
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Hi Kel2, You asked, “does that make sense”. I do not know to be honest. My lifeline at the moment are my cats. My brother’s cat Tammy and my cat Fluffy. They are Maine Coon cats and Fluffy is the mother. Tammy cried terribly the day my brother died last February. My Fluffy did not like the time I was in hospital and ignored me for many months but has become a real cuddle bug now. I could never leave them. I do not know if there is another reason for me to be here. I just know the foxes would miss me too. (I feed them every day.) I have often thought about any other reason to be here. - I have joined a little group who want to brush up on their German. I have realized that I have made several new friends the last year. I hope you too go outside now to be with other people. It does help. They all know that my brother died and when they ask how I feel I just tell them the truth. - You wrote that you don’t want to find someone else. But it doe dot mean that you you have to be lonely. We all here have to rebuild our lives now, and talking to people is a start. Perhaps you too have a local bereavement group you can join. I live near Colchester and have joined one some months ago. - I nearly forgot, we all need something to look forward to. - I will try to cheer you up some more tomorrow. We could talk about things going wrong, and the good things too. - Nick
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Thank you Nick22.
I’ve not thought about groups nearby, maybe something I can look into … Don’t think I’m ready just yet, but certainly something to get me out if the house.
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@Kel2 So sorry for your loss at such an early age. Your loss is very recent. I lost my wife in October last year. I still cannot do social activities with my best friends except the occasional coffee with them as one to one. I cannot rejoin groups I went to before but plan to later in the year if I am able. I did however join a local bereavement group. The people there are a bit older than you but it is like being on this site and seeing real faces, hearing real voices. No one judges, we share our pain and occasionally an odd flicker of a smile. No one is afraid to cry and no one is embarrassed when you do. That is the big advantage over normal groups. This horrendous grief is a long and painful road and the first steps however small are the hardest. My heart goes out to you. XX
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I know exactly how you feel.
I lost my wife just over 2 weeks ago so everything is still very raw.
I feel like I’ve lost my purpose, my direction, everything.
There just doesn’t feel like there’s any point to anything.
Family and close friends have been wonderful with their support but their life goes on.
My life feels empty and pointless at the moment.
I go from low, to really really low every day.
The emotions can often be crippling.
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Thank you @Mike75.
I think sometimes being younger makes it harder for people to understand or relate.
I’m not a very big social butterfly (even in my younger days - I never did the “club scenes” - going out for me was a couple if drinks at the local pub, cinema, nice and simple), so taking that leap is going to be huge!
My husband and I were pretty much happy with each others company. The only time we were apart was when either of us were at work.
Hubby was more the social butterfly - he attracted everyone.
It’s amazing the people I’ve spoken to since he passed who say how much of an impact he had on their lives (saved a couple from suicide, encouraged someone who was in a YMCA to improve themselves - they’re now in the police force!)
I always knew he was special - but hearing these people amazed me and he never knew the impact he had?!
I will try to get out, join a group … Think it may help (like here) …need to see if there is one near me.
I talk to him all the time. I tell our pets he’s watching them so he knows if they’re playing up.
I just wish I could hear him one more time.
Thank you again… Hugs X
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So so sorry for your loss.
I am glad you have others around you to support you.
It is a struggle, you may have read - I lost my hubby in November, I still wait for him to.come through the door.
This group have helped me a lot, through many lows, meltdowns… Keeps me going.
I hope you find comfort and encouragement here too.
Always here for a chat if/when needed.
Sending you big hugs x
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