In the last week I really am finding things very difficult
I feel I have taken a whole load of steps backwards!
I just feel so lost !!
I was in Asda the other day walked past the Christmas cards , saw one with Husband on my the tears rolled down my face ( thank goodness for face mask !!
Now my Mum, as some of you are aware is very poorly has asked me to get a card for my Dad, and one for him to give to her, well thatās going to be interesting. I feel physically sick at the thought of itš„ŗ
I donāt know if itās just the time of year making things seem worse plus on the 17th of this month , it will be six months since I held my beloved Dave , but I just canāt stop crying !! It just comes from nowhere, walking around the house, when Iām in my Mums, in the shops, drivingā¦
MrsT I feel the same .
Feel as though Iām going backwards. Have cried so much these last few days .
Day and night just asking why why why.
When will these feelings start easing . I canāt be bothered to do anything besides clean . Donāt want to cook , go out , speak to people on the phone . I just canāt seem to control my feelings of grief and devastation.
I see your from my neck of the woods xx
Big hugs xxx
I havnt been to Asda or any food shops for that matter . Iām trying to overcome this anxiety and panicky feeling when I have to go out. Iām sure I will eventually .
Never thought i would be grateful for the masks , but at the moment i am . I dont know why but every time i go in a supermarket I cry , i get an overwhelming panic on . Shopping and cooking for one holds no desires and i dont suppose others jollity of Christmas helps I know it is early days , just 11 weeks today since my husband died but last week did feel a lot better and this week constant tears . I want to move on , but how ? i dont know .
Same here my lovely Tony passed away 6 weeks ago and I canāt stand the thought of Christmas. One minute I feel Iām coping just about the next Iām sobbing and anxious and want to run. Iām having counselling on Friday and praying I will get some relief from it. Feel so low about everything it canāt go on like this. There will be a light at the endš
Having to even be near the husband/wife or Christmas card section at all is just too muchā¦
I donāt know how any of you face going in Asda/supermarkets. I went in my Asda the first time a few weeks ago and had to abort that mission.
The second time I only made it to the pharmacy and that was enough for me. Too many memories of tired evenings on the way home after work of us nipping there together to buy goodies for a lovely evening. Too many happy and unhappy couples, I donāt know which annoy me more, people with kids made from them and their partner, people bellowing into mobile phones about what they should have for tea tonight with their partner, people with small concerns that they think are bigā¦ like what to buy for secret santa.,. just like I used to be. I literally cannot stand it.
I have an online shop coming 29th Dec and had one tonight (although i forgot to get much except food for the cats, toiletries and 3 meals but should be OK as I have full cupboards, it just might mean mixed beans or out of date pearl barley for a tea or two if things get desperate but i wont starve, I forgot it was christmas so they wont come next week!!). Regardless if i have to eat dry pearl barley for xmas day (i wont, i have a lovely family who wouldnt let that happen) i will not go to assda.
8 wks on Monday just gone for me. I cannot believe time has the cheek to keep passing. How can you be fine after 2 wks 6 wks 8wks 5 months 6 months 1 year 2 years, 10 yearsā¦ when that was your soulmate?? If you believe in heaven maybe because you are creeping closer to them but for the rest of us it only feels we are getting further awayā¦ and for what?
Time keeps passing and people think that heals us. It doesnāt seem to be doing f-all except putting us further away from our loved ones so that was another BS piece of advice we keep getting from these know-it-alls who never lost their future in one terrifying and overwhelming moment.
I hope somehow you can find something to take your mind to a peaceful place for some moments MrsT1, Glad you felt calmer earlier on and I hope you can continue but i know what you mean about the cycles, just when I am glad I did something normal then I go into psycho-mode again.
Take care everyone, If there is light at the end of the tunnel I think some bugger has bricked mine up but hopefully ā¦hopefully we can keep hoping for something we donāt know that will comeā¦ Keep breathing xx
Iām right with you in all your emotional turmoil. Itās nearly eight months for me and I had hoped to be making some slight emotional progress but it only appears to be getting more unbearable. I donāt believe in life after death, although I respect the views of those who do, but it does make you question what your purpose is now without your reason for living. Unfortunately we just have continue to trudge through the quagmire of our new life.
Sorry not to be uplifting but I just wanted to say how much I empathise with your feelings of despair. Let me know if you find a better way forward, but I wonāt hold my breath.
Hello @AL2020 thank you so much. It feels like a life sentence now when not believing in the common things doesnāt it, I am truly glad for those that do believe and I have tried to as it would be so lovely to trust I will see him one day again but I just canāt go against my entire personality (and also my husbandās beliefs, things we had discussed at length in detail over many years) so the most I can really hope for is oblivion. Whether to bother waiting potentially 60 years for that is something I have daily mental battles with.
In the last week I did have some moments that made me laugh and feel less despair, sadly it was mainly when I was on (prescription) drugs so maybe my new ambition in life is to become a drug addict!
I never used to understand those people why they would throw their life away for unreality, my husband and I (even though he was from the Netherlands so people expect him to be taking drugs but to be honest itās worst in the UK than there despite the stereotype) kept away from drugs but now I understand it. Those people must be in absolute despair. There were a lot of things I didnāt understand before and a lot I donāt know now, Iām hoping one of those things I donāt know yet has some hope in it.
Where was I Oh yes so I answered the door but in the light of the door opening I saw I also have sh!t all over my jumper. I could find one clean pair of trousers so changed those but no jumper so I am still wearing it. What have I become. Then just as typing this part the doorbell rang again, I looked and it was Hermes (my mother has been buying Christmas presents for our large superficial step-family and their husbands/wives/kids and getting them delivered here). So I just answered the door again with my poo-stained pink jumper, lucky for the Hermes man they stand back now due to Covid.
Anyway somehow the sh!t episode cheered me up and felt like an artistic representation of my life now. I washed my hands before typing at least so there is still something in here. Keep breathing x
Thank you @MrsT1 it is so selfish of me to be so glad to have you all here with me in this pit of despair but I do treasure you. Big hug to you today and especially tomorrow for the 6 months since you were last with your dear belovedā¦ I hope to all there is you can take it as easy as possible and try to find any peace tomorrow in between all your helping other people that you do. Take care <3 xx
@FleurDeLis nothing selfish at all xx we all wish we where in another place, another time/ but here we are trying to make sense of the it all sometimes more clearly than others!
Just remember you are not on your own xxxx
@MrsT1 it is so very hard for most of us to cope at this dreadful time. Even without Covid it would be a dreadful time for us. The feelings of emptiness and loneliness are your constant companions, making you feel lost in a strange land without any guidance to the best way forward.
I hope that you are on an āupā cycle tomorrow to cope with the six month anniversary. I approached it as just another day, but my emotions had other ideas, nevertheless, it is just another day and you will manage to get through it.
To quote your own words, just remember you are not on your own. x
I sympathise and relate to this so much. Although I didnāt lose a partner, I lost my mum on 8th November and I went to buy Christmas cards in the Asda and I saw all the cards with Mum on and my heart just sank. Itās the little things that just take you straight back to square one isnāt it I did actually end up buying my Mum a card still though because I decided that I will take it to her grave on Christmas Morning and I think I will continue to do that every year too. Just because they are not here doesnāt mean that they wont see the card and read itā¦ At least thatās what I have convinced myself! It might not help you doing the same, maybe it would actually cause you to become even more upset, but it is just a thought! Sometimes writing down feelings is a bit easier than speaking themā¦ Thinking of you during this difficult time of year
thank you @RichardM yes who knows where this will take us. I am starting to worry I am going to get sectioned (at least it will sort out my living arrangements I guess!!).
I called a counselling helpline work have offered me ( they also told me that the company i work for for 14 years is now merging with another one and 1st Feb there will then be redundancies). I thought I would just be able to speak to someone as I was in a bit of a bad way today not about that but about flashbacks and general dilemmas relating to trying to sort out my husbandās āestateā and the mess of our lives and helpline website said they could help with advice. She basically told me I was too mental for them (after an assessment that was supposed to take 30 minutes but took an hour and 20 because i keep crying) and told me to contact a psycho-therapist (which they then sent me some numbers for, I will. It seems Iāve gone from great -> psycho in 59 days ).
@charlotte that sounds a lovely idea and i hope it brings you some comfort, it is nice to have a plan that means something to you. Take care xx
@FleurDeLis I hope you can sort out the correct counselling that will help you get through this trauma.
Having to tick of the household chores (washing/cleaning etc) is helping me keep occupied on the furlough days, I find it easier to keep myself busy, but everyone has different coping strategies. How do people get through this with young children?
I found having to sort out Karenās āestateā unnecessarily long winded and slow, but I assume Covid (the gift that keeps giving) and people working from home does not help
Thank you @RichardM I have been getting desperate in the last week (since I came off the diazepam which I still have some of but am saving up in case I need them and the Doctor told me the effect is lessening because I have taken too many so need to let my body adjust again if possible).
Sue Ryder and Cruse counselling have waiting lists, god imagine there are so many of us desperately unhappy people out there. My GP had put a Mental Health nurse onto me and I missed her call yesterday when I was in the garden crying in the rain. She left me a cheerful voicemail telling me she is on her holidays now and wishing me a merry Christmas so if I had a Christmas card list this year she would be off it already but she said I can leave her an email for an appointment and she will look into it in January.
I also tried the private route (BUPA), it was them who said I have symptoms of severe anxiety and severe depression (doesnāt everyone in our position? is that not just grief or should I be over the death of my husband within 2 months?!), also with trauma and PTSD from the day of it. Today I emailed one of the Psychotherapists to try and get that rolling. I have little belief in any of it though and feel like a fraud as I know there are people with worse stuff even if to me this feels terrible but I am trying because otherwise I may as well just kill myself now and I established I canāt do that yet because I have a lot of stuff to clear first.
I was thinking this is the worst thing that could have happened to me and it happened but actually I realised it could get worse. If more people die (which is inevitable and I know a lot on here are already dealing with that scenario). So now must be the good times for me I guess until I lose my mum, brother, cats and stepdad too.
I am finding it hard to be cheerful but trying to remind myself now is the good times nowā¦ ye gods. Youāre right I donāt know how they do it with young children (though I feel jealous of that I know it is hard from my mum telling me as I was 7 and my brother 1 when my dad died).
I do need to get on with more chores like you, I have done some washing yesterday but nothing much useful today except trying to work out if i have enough money to keep my house each month. Will feed the poor cat now as Benjy has been patiently looking at me through this whole post.
Dear FleurDeLis,
I have been following your posts and confusingly find them both heartbreaking and yet heartwarming at the same time. You have a special way of conveying so many aspects of grief. I have even laughed a couple of times, namely the pink jumper incident and the smack in the chops you felt like handing out.
I can relate to the shambles of accessing counselling. From the very moment my husband died suddenly without warning in November 2019 I realised as far as the medical profession were concerned my sons and I were on our own. The hospital where my husband was taken was not our local one as he and our younger son had been to a European cup football match in the town where my husband was born but had left many years ago. After the match they had stopped in a bar to let the traffic subside and while there my husband said he felt dizzy and collapsed. Despite immediate access to CPR from a member of staff and a policeman and the use of an on-site defibrillator he died there and then. My son witnessed the whole episode and was understandably traumatised by seeing his dad die when moments earlier they had been laughing and joking. He followed the ambulance to the hospital with a paramedic but once there was left to his own devices until my elder son arrived with his wife and found him wandering dazed in the corridor. I was away caring for my elderly mum 150 miles away at the time and arrived after a journey from hell in a taxi three hours later. Phone reception was poor and I could not receive messages along the way so I arrived hoping to find my husband recovering from his collapse. The policeman who had phoned me at my mums told me my husband had collapsed and to get to the hospital ASAP but he didnāt tell me my husband had already died. I realise now that he understood that if he had told me my husband had died I would have collapsed in a heap and would never have made it to the hospital. Having seen my son he knew I just had to get there for him. I am truly grateful to that policeman for his assessment of what had to be done. However I have since learned from my sons that the junior doctor who confirmed to them that my husband had died thought he should phone me in the taxi to give me the news. Having just witnessed my younger son collapse to his knees and howl why he thought giving me the news in a taxi would be a humane, let alone unsafe, option I have no idea. Fortunately both sons convinced him not to do this.
Your experience with the mental health nurse has reminded me (not that I could ever forget) of the dire state of our health service when it comes to understanding or supporting those who have been bereaved. Having seen your young husband die in front of you and tried so hard to save him I think you should be escalated to the top of the queue when it comes to counselling or mental health support. Grief doesnāt recognise office hours and to leave you a message such as she did is indefensible.
Shame on her or the system which enables this.
Please donāt give up with seeking help from BUPA. My son has recently accessed a therapist who specialises in trauma and she is helping him with the flashbacks and nightmares he suffered after seeing his dad die. His company recently changed their health insurance provider to BUPA and after a phone assessment like the one you undertook he was given a list of therapists who might help him. The fact that such help seems to be left to the private or charitable sector is unbelievable. Our GP surgery offered no support whatsoever and our local hospice, although they found him a support group and at least tried, were unable to offer the specific help he required. Amazingly, doctors seemed to downplay the trauma of witnessing the sudden death of a loved one. My son was seen as young and fit and would no doubt recover in time.
The point I am trying to make is, try and persevere finding a therapist who understands trauma and PTSD. You shouldnāt have to do this yourself but unfortunately this is the way it is. I know that my sons and I will never recover from losing my husband so suddenly. We were utterly broken and the process of trying to patch ourselves together and survive is beyond painful. However having his trauma acknowledged at long last and being helped to cope with the distressing images has improved my sonās capacity for work and engagement with other people.
No one should underestimate what you have endured. Hopefully if you can find the right person to acknowledge this and guide you through the hell of loss and grief it will enable to live your best life. Not the life you deserved or wished for but a life that will enable you to live rather than exist. You are too young and too articulate to be allowed to fade away. You canāt possibly see it at the moment but I think the way you write will one day be a great help to so many people. Who knows what form that may take? It might be as a truly empathetic counsellor or a campaigner for better awareness of heart health. Inspired of course by your beloved Rene. Thinking of you and take care. Xx
!!
!! It just comes from nowhere, walking around the house, when Iām in my Mums, in the shops, drivingā¦
I did actually end up buying my Mum a card still though because I decided that I will take it to her grave on Christmas Morning and I think I will continue to do that every year too. Just because they are not here doesnāt mean that they wont see the card and read itā¦ At least thatās what I have convinced myself! It might not help you doing the same, maybe it would actually cause you to become even more upset, but it is just a thought! Sometimes writing down feelings is a bit easier than speaking themā¦ Thinking of you during this difficult time of year 