I reached an all time low when I went to the shop for milk in my pyjamas tonight, I walked round like a zombie. As for sleep, this time is the new normal, just waiting for the guy across road to leave for work, then I know it is 3am.
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Sending you love cause i can’t belive other people are feeling the way i do… everyday i wake up and its like groundhog day. A complete nightmare. It just feels so so so sad and can’t believe ive lost her.
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And sending love back to the awake club. I could never have imagined a month ago I would find myself in the middle of a living nightmare.
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I haven’t had any choice but to leave the house as I’ve had to keep going to my grandma’s house in another town to sort out all the paperwork and funeral arrangements it’s drained the life out of me 
I’m finding getting out of bed in the morning very tough, I just want to sleep to avoid the painful reality all the time!
I want to wake up from this horrible nightmare 
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Hi Jess1 is there any grief support in your area,grief counselling.I think that could help.Just people going through and feeling how you are feeling.Losing your mum so young is heartbreaking,i was 33 and my mum was 52 so i cant imagine how hard that is for you.
I’m actually on a ‘waiting list’ for bereavement counselling can you believe it lol
I am having an hard time with the funeral home right now and I am considering making a complaint for causing unnecessary added stress.
First they gave me a sum for funeral costs which then went up by over 600 pound on the estimated bill, which was to be expected with the add ons but I questioned this and they noticed that they had charged me a embalming cost but they never embalmed her so how can you charge someone for something that didn’t happen!
Anyway fast forward to after the funeral was held I recieved the final bill and guess what! it was the same sum as the original estimated bill, also had donations towards the costs of the funeral on the day so they hadn’t even deducted that!
I emailed them stating they’ve sent me the wrong bill again and also brought it to their attention that they had also mispelled my mum address 
Anyways they apologised and sent me a new one with embalming and donations knocked off. My mums address is still bloody wrong 
I rang them this morning and asked about the deposit i had paid (1500 I paid) cause that hadn’t been deducted and they told me they’d need to look into it and will ring me back.
Whilst waiting for them to call me back I worked it all out and what I had left to pay them for them to call me back and have them tell me a different amount, by this point I was fuming at their incompetence. Of course the amount they first gave me was a lot more than I worked out hmmm
So I gave all the sums and worked it out with them and they realised that in fact I was right.
Anyway I asked about having my mums ashes placed into a scatter box (I do not want her in a shoe box in a paper bag) and the person on the phone was like “one minute let me check the prices”… i had already been given the price and of course she comes back to me and says a different price that’s more than originally stated.
So I was like “not what i was originally told” and she had the cheek to say “oh they must have given you last years prices” do they realise that we are almost 5 months into this year honestly it’s a joke.
Like I need all that stress added onto my grief, just imagine all the other people who they’ve overcharged and got away with it cause people are vulnerable and grieving.
Im so sorry thats stress on top of more stress you are dealing with.Do you have a support system.Anyone that can help you deal with the funeral home for you?
There isnt enough grief support available and now Cruz is ending their online chat its really unfair.I didnt receive grief counselling the place that it was taking place was too far away from where i live.It would have helped.
On the Sue Ryder website there is free grief support through text messages.Heres the link https://sueryder.grief.coach/ They send you supportive text messages.It helps a little.
Life is so unfair.One of the things i found hard was everyone elses lifes seemed happy and normal but mine wasnt it was hard to understand how.Its taken me over a year to start getting use to my new normal.
I have always have wondered if there is an afterlife my mum never believed there was.I just hold on to the hope there is.Take care
Cruse does have a helpline if talking to them would help.
I have just paid what I owed because I just feel done with life right now, I feel defeated with it all.
I’m never going to get over losing my mum 
Feel so upset it’s unreal
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Why is there so much incompetence around when people should be falling over themselves with compassion and just getting things right. As if you haven’t got enough on Jess. The registrar entered mums date of death incorrectly so when I went online to do ‘tellusonce’ it threw me out. I had to go back for him to re-do it, it’s all so painful.
Keep pushing the counselling, I am accessing through work, not sure if that is an option for you?
Guys I have to share something that happened to me today, I went to my Grandmas and this chirpy little robin kept coming in her garden over and over again and my Grandma said its been coming in her garden all week and she has never known a robin that would keep coming back so often.
I’m trying so hard, to not think logical by thinking ‘oh it’s just a robin, they exist so it’s nothing of significance’ but it was so full of character and reminded me of her bubbly personality.
Anyway I decided to share a taxi with my Auntie on the way home and he didn’t have the radio on at first.
He decided to put it on half way to my aunties and after the first song played the song I played at her funeral for the entrance came on, I ended up getting shivers, I simply could not believe it.
The full song played just before my auntie was due to get out. Maybe it was just a coincidence but I find it a very strong coincidence that it happened to come on at that exact moment with us both in the taxi and the full length played before it was time for my auntie to get out.
I hope so much that it was her showing me signs.
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Oh Jess, your lovely mum is just wanting you to feel a little bit ok every day x
The feeling I got when the song started playing was unreal, it was as if I felt her pressence or I’m losing the plot.
Oh I so hope that she’s still with me even if I can’t see her! I’m definitely going to be more open minded in the future now.
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Oh my goodness, I have the free version of prime music where it only allows you to shuffle songs and I opened the app and put in the artist of the song that played at her funeral and said out loud ‘mum if you’re here play that song first’ and guess what it bloody did and almost floored me 
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What in the world, me and my mum made up a dance routine to madonna hung up and i searched madonna and it played hung up how is that even possible
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Hi Jess. Im sorry on the loss of your mum. I lost my mum in 2021 when i was 23 weeks pregnant. Losing your mum is one of the hardest losses. I want to say please dont push yourself too much in going back to college or work. I understand it will take your mind off it but also allow yourself some time. With regards to researching afterlife. If its helping you do it. Dont critic yourself too much. You need to prioritise yourself. I cant say it gets easier. Ive not grieved my loss yet and i am really struggling. All ill say is unfortunately its the new normal and you have no choice in certain circumstances but to get through it. Just dont be too hard on yourself 
I am not being paid for being off unfortunately and have bills to pay for, I’m only getting ssp and to think that I work in a care home, it’s so wrong, and the only reason I’m back at college is because it ends in June and I’ve made a lot of progress and put in a lot of work and would like to finish the course to make my mum proud.
I don’t think I’ll ever get over losing my mum she truly was my best friend 
Nothing takes my mind off losing my mum no matter how busy I am unfortunately.
I’m sorry you feel like you’ve not had the time to grieve, I to know how this feels with being her executor, there’s simply no compassion in this world.
I understand your circumstances. Im sure she will be proud. I think knowing how to grieve or finding the time is one of the harder parts. My son was 6 when my mum died and he was very close to her plus i have a little boy whos 1 so i prioritise them. Im sure youll know what its like due to the thing’s you have on. Keep going as you are im sure your mum would be extremely proud. I too was the executor of my mums Will as im an only child. Its a lot of responsibility but youll do it. Just keep going x
There should be something that offers to do all that leg work for you, it’s way too stressful when you’re trying to grieve at the same time it’s completely wiped me out.
I didn’t realise that there’s so much that goes into simply just dying, there’s no compassion in this world.
Her gas and electric companies were doing their best to keep hold of her money on her account by make it impossible for me to access the account saying they need a power of attorney even though my mum didn’t own anything or have any savings ect.
They just didn’t seem to get it into their head that I didn’t have access to one of them.
Anyway I told them how disgusting they had been and I had flowers delivered to my door from them, never would have thought they were from them so it was a shock to be honest lol
I’ve had such an hard day and I’d usually talk to her about what’s troubling me, so again I’m hit with the reality that she is never coming back.
I’d like to believe what happened with me today regarding the signs was actually really her trying to comfort me to be honest x
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Jess, take the comfort you can, if these things were important to your mum then she will know it is important to help you see. I believe, it’s an individual choice but I am with you on that xx
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