Recent bereavement

My husband died of bowel cancer on 25 the October following 5 rounds of chemo and I watched him fade away and couldn’t stop it! We would have been married for forty years next July and now I just feel lost and frightened all the time without him. I don’t know what to do.

I wish that I could think of some words to comfort you, Quilter because I know exactly how you are feeling. My husband died in June and we had been married for 66 years, I feel lost, lonely, depressed and, it’s as if half of me has been torn away. It is very early days for you and all I can say is that it takes time for the pain to ease, if it ever does. I used to cry all the time but that isn’t as bad as it was. Trouble is, when I wake each morning I have to make a huge effort to get out of bed and face another day alone, and that doesn’t seem to get any better. You could try counselling, although there is a long waiting list for Cruse. I make myself go out every day regardless of the weather. Visit your GP if you are depressed. I have never liked tablets but I am on them now and they help a little. I hope you will be able to find help somehow. Do you have family? Posting your thoughts on here helps as we are all down the same dark alleyway. Take care. Kind regards. Eileen

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Thanks Eileen for your kind words. I do have two daughters but they don’t live with me and I am aware that they are coming to terms with their dad’s passing too. I am lucky that I have a Springer spaniel called Bert and he insists that we go out every day for a mooch about. I will be looking for some bereavement counseling in the New year. Thank you for caring take care of yourself. Quilter Sally

Hello i have lost my husband on the 26th of December we were together for 30 years and I fell so heart broken just so totally broken

I am sorry I lost my husband on the 26th of November of this year I have never been on chat forum before my husband took a massive heart attack we were together for 30years . I just don’t know what to do I’m just so heartbroken and lost .

Hi Lily. I am so sorry for your loss. The shock of your husband dying suddenly really sends you into a very traumatised state. My husband Geoff died in his sleep in October. I really thought I was going mad the first couple of weeks. I was having panic attacks( which I have never had before). My brain was a complete fog. One day I drove to the supermarket. When I came out I couldn’t find my keys. I was getting more and more agitated. I was down on my hands and knees in the car park tears streaming down my face as I frantically turned out my handbag. At last I found them then the frustration intensified - I couldn’t remember where I had parked the car.
I was diagnosed with Cancer the same week as my husband died. I was asked to go for a scan. As soon as I got to the waiting room I had another panic attack and when I was called in I just collapsed on the floor. I had too many shocks in a few weeks - my husband of 32 years died, I got Cancer and our family business had to close down. I felt my whole life had imploded. Now I am 2 months on. I still get days when I am paralysed with fear and can’t do anything but I am determined to move forward in the New Year. There is still so much paperwork to do and I must find a purpose in order to carry on. This site has been so important to me. So many others all going through the same thing and all at different stages. We know we have to carry on even though we don’t want to sometimes. We are all looking to others to show us the way. I really find reading some of the other posts helps. Be kind to yourself - everyone on this forum understands exactly how you feel.

Yvonne

Hi Yvonne I’m truly sorry for your loss of your husband and all the other struggles you have been put through at a horrendous enough time for you .
Thank you for replying to me I’ve never done anything like this I hope and pray that your health is improving with your illness I went to my sons there is a bench my husband and I would sit and just watch the word go bye it’s in a massive park I went my self the other day and sat for four hours crying I just kept looking at everyone hoping I would see my him I know that sounds daft but when I close my eyes or sleep I can’t see him or hear his voice and that is breaking my heart . I thank you again for taking the time to reply you are in my prays .
Lily

Hi Lily

Don’t worry about not seeing or hearing your gusband’s voice at the moment. That will come later. You like me are still in shock. I smiled when I read the bit about the park. That’s exactly what Geoff and I used to do. In fact we did it the day before he died. I am not brave enough to go back there yet by myself. Last night I went to a carol service with a friend. I was late and so I was hurrying. I could feel Geoff holding my hand. I suddenly thought he never walked at this pace due to his breathing problems but I had the distinct feeling of him saying " I can now I’m ok".
The service was lovely but I must admit I did cry - it’s all the memories.

I have been put on 'Watch & Wait at the hospital until end of February( I like to call it a reprieve) so that issue is on the back burner until then and just now I am concentrating on getting through a day at a time.

Sending you a hug

Yvonne x

Hello, Lily. I was very interested in your post because I am having similar problems. My husband died six months ago and he has never once appeared in my dreams or spoken to me spiritually. I have difficulty in remembering his voice, or what he looked like. We had been married for 66 years, so I find that distressful. It’s almost as if he has been wiped completely out of my life, and yet we were very close and never apart. I will be so glad when Christmas is over, and New Year. Kind regards. Eileen.

Hi Yvonne I have three sons and I’m staying with the eldest one over Christmas and new year my husband and my self came here every year at new year to see the fire works and be with our family .
George my husband took his heart attack on the 11th of October but fought so so hard to stay in our life’s till sadly he could not fight any longer and passed away on the 26th of November in all the time till the last min he never said to me anything about passing he just joked and talked to our kids we both knew that he was not going to survive any longer I asked the nurse if he new and she said yes but he doesn’t want to heart me so we talked about Christmas and him getting home and work dreams and our life’s to come even though we both new there would be no more time together I hope and pray as you say that in time i will see him in my dreams as I hope you see you Geoff and all the beautiful memories come flushing back in a happy comforting way .
I send you a big hug from me .
Lily

Hello Eileen
I hope like my self your husband will come to you in your dream and you will hear his voice as I am sure you loved him greatly as I did my husband my husband and myself did everything together as well as our kids were all grown and had moved out and getting on with there life’s so for the last 12 year it was just us two my husband said we were like two peas in a pod my friends said if you seen me then you would see my husband I pray every night that he will come into my dreams but just like you it’s not going to happen till our minds are ready to let it happen I send you my best regards lily

Hi Lily, I know the feeling all too well. I’m so sorry .
My husband died on 27th October. We had been together 39 years and I cant believe he’s left me. I keep thinking he’ll walk in, and its all been a dream but it hasn’t. Its a nightmare.
I wish I could say something that would help.

Hello Carera
I am so sorry for your loss it is such a nightmare i to which I could say something to easy your pain .
My husband was a funny man every day we were together he had to do something to make me laugh he said it was his job in life and he did he would sing badly or dance anything so I would laugh our kids had all moved out so for 12 years it was just us .
The reason I’m telling you all this is because they are the things that I hold in my heart and I know you will have things like that with your husband too ,don’t get me wrong at times I want to scream because the pain is so overwhelming and I fell so lost but I keep thinking of him trying to make me laugh and it makes the pain just a bit I mean a small bit easier .
I hope like me that you find there is some light at the end of this heartache .
Please take care .
Lily

Thanks Lily,
Im finding it hard to see any good at the moment. I used to be a positive person. Glass half full but that left me, the day he died. I cant believe it.
Believe it or not but the fact you can find some light is encouragement even when I cant see any point. Thank you.

Hi carera
Hi I just wanted to say I hope in some way you managed to get through Christmas I do know this is a hellish time is I truly do at times I fell like I can’t get up I just want to roll up in a ball but I know that can’t happen I honestly pray in time you me and everyone who is going through this heartbreaking time will find some thing to ease this pain .
Lily

Thanks Lily, I hope things went as well as they could for you too.
I got through Christmas, but I feel that it has gone on around me. My mind is somewhere else completely. and when they all left, I just broke down completely.

I really dont know what happens next. I’m sure we’ll muddle through. No choice.

Sorry we’re all here.
There must be hundreds of us walking around town/Tesco with tears in our eyes.

I wish there was an answer.

Hi Carera
I know there must be so many people in this same position as us I am truly sorry that we all have to feel this overwhelming pain.
I came on to this site because I know my sons are all felling the pain of the passing of there dad who they loved greatly I had never done anything like this in my life but like everyone else I have never been in this horrendous position.
There are things that i can’t say to my sons as I know they will not understand like how I get up set because I can’t see my husband in my dreams or when I close my eyes or how I miss his voice his smell or just holding my hand .
I hope and pray that all the people who are going through this find other people just to say I’m sorry or I understand and hopefully we can all move forward together .
Lily

Hi
Scorpio
I hope you managed to get though Christmas in a way that was easier for you .
I went back down to the bench on Christmas Day the one George and I sat on I went with my three sons and we sat and talked and cried the pain is so overwhelming at times I just want to scream .
I hope you get down to the bench you and your husband Geoff used to sit i which you and everyone else in our position much care and pease of heart
Lily

Thanks Lily, it is good to find people in the same position. It definitely helps.
I am in the same position in that I have only joined online communities since I lost my husband . I also find Macmillan helpful. Like you, I can’t say these things to my daughters .I try to keep a brave face in front of them and our grandchildren.
I don’t think I could ever have imagined the emptiness before this happened.
I have 2 daughters who have both had dreams about their dad, and the grandchildren have too, even though they are small. I am so upset that I haven’t had any dreams.

I still imagine he’s at work, or in hospital. I read his texts and even text him (is that a bit weird?). It all too final to comprehend.

Hi Carera
You just made me smile I haven’t said to my sons but I text my husbands phone as well I look at the texts he sent me when he was in hospital .
My sons and sister in law all have had dream I got really upset thinking my god George why won’t you come to me I guess it’s just not time .
I fell I just walk about in a trance one min I’m smiling the next I’m just broken I fell I have to put a mask on .
God Carera it’s just so overwhelming.

Lily

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