Recent loss

hi,
Did your day get any better? You are doing well to tackle the official stuff like the banking. I still can’t face doing it. I have had a difficult day in many ways. I had to change the filter on the fridge freezer, couldn’t do it, didn’t even know where the filter was. So the warning light remains on. Maybe I will manage it tomorrow. Don’t know if you get it, but I have been very shaky today, very unsettled feeling. Different to how i
So far. I am so scared of the future. At the moment I have the kids around, but I know in the future that will get less and less. I know I’m lucky that I have them, it’s not that I don’t want them to move on with their lives. I just want my old life back, I want my husband back. It’s just not fair. I hate it. I’m seeing my Counseller tomorrow, don’t know if it helps, but I will go.
I hope I haven’t ranted to much.

Lesley

Hi Lesley
Are you still awake? I hope I haven’t disturbed you.
Don’t worry about the filter on your appliance. If you feel up to it tomorrow, type the question into Google and no doubt there will be a video to show you how. I was upset a couple of days ago because I broke an angel ornament. I went to wind the mantel clock and knocked the ornament off. It fell on the marble hearth and the head came clean off. I was so upset because I didnt know where we kept the superglue. Really silly but very important at the time.
The weather turned sunny late afternoon so I was able to go into our small garden and cut back some wisteria - I don’t know if I did it properly but it looks tidier, so who cares? I was thrilled that I had done something that I had not done before because I had to stand on a stepladder to do it. Then the thrill turned sour because I wanted to show hubby what I had done and he wasn’t there. If I keep busy the pain is less because I am thinking of other things. Now at this time of night I don’t want to go to bed yet, so I have just eaten 5 pieces of toast and loads of cheese, followed by tea and too many biscuits. I had lost weight through the upset and missing meals. Now I am not cooking for myself but friends giving me comfort meals and I am filling up on rubbish.
You mentioned feeling shaky and unsettled. I think the lack of sleep for me has led to two recent bouts of extreme dizziness. I had to stay in bed all day last Wednesday as the dizziness was so bad that I couldnt stand. It was a low point -first time I had been ill and alone. It was scary and I had to go downstairs to let the dog out. I literally crawled on hands and knees. My sister arrived soon after and sorted things out.
Have you seen your doctor since the bereavement? Perhaps you need to have a check up to make sure you are not anaemic or similar. With all the stress you have had it is bound to have a physical effect on your body. Unsettled? Definitely. I have to keep busy until I am exhausted, then I sleep. I cannot concentrate on reading or even watching telly much. I haven’t watched the news for days, which used to be essential everyday viewing, especially 6pm when we were usually sat eating a meal together and catching up with the news and our news.
I cannot bear the thought of this new “enforced” life of the future. I don’t want it either. I want to go back to how it was. It’s cruel, painful and unfair.
It must be worse for you if you had no warning and your husband died suddenly. At least mine was in hospital for 10 days so we had a warning that he was ill, although we were told he would be out in a week with antibiotics to take at home and no-one knew that he had an aggressive cancer that had spread throughout his body causing him the worst sort of agonising pain.
I think you are doing the best thing for yourself to talk to a bereavement counsellor tomorrow. It seems that we are going through similar feelings, emotions and experiences. The counsellor will not be able to ease your pain much but she will be able to reassure you and you can tell her everything that is worrying you in confidence.
I know this sounds stupid but I am confiding in my dog. We have always had sheepdogs and when our last dog aged 17 died recently, we were not going to have another. 3 weeks later we adopted this rescue dog. Nothing like our beautiful border collies but plain, ordinary dog, of mixed race shall we say. We had her late Feb and my husband adored her. She is a special animal called Pod. (Plain ordinary dog). Now she is Pod (pretty outstanding dog) because she has been such a help to keep me going for the last few weeks. If it wasn’t for her I would stay in bed all day. She gets me out for walks and talking to other dog owners, and she listens to what I am confiding to her.
Anyway, I hope you get at least 5 hours sleep again tonight. I hope that this does not disturb you. I hope my long story does not bore you too much.
Thank you for understanding the mixed up rubbish in my head and the pain throughout my whole being.
Please let me know how you are as often as you want. If you don’t want to reply just say -not today - and I’ll understand.
Big hug wherever you are.
Eileen

Hi
Yes I’m awake, just lying here thinking how long til I fall asleep, what am I going to do tomorrow. Yes the fridge problem doesn’t seem like much of a problem now.
Glad you got out in the garden. I know what you mean about wanting to them what you have done. We used to laugh about that, I don’t work on Tuesday’s and would always do my housework on that day, Rich would come in from work and say 'oh it looks like we’ve been burgled, he was so cheeky. If he didn’t notice I had done the housework, I would have to point it out. We always tools each other what we had done each day, at work or at home. I still think somedays, oh I must tell Rich about that, then remember I can’t. That’s when the loneliness hits home. The sickly feeling I’m sure is to do with not eating much, I left lost nearly 2 st, so that is going have some effect. I will make an appointment with my GP soon. We also have a dog, Millie, a beagle. I tell Millie everything I am thinking, I’m sure she is getting bored with me, she keeps taking herself off to bed, but like you said they get you up in the morning and you have to walk them.
Sorry if you had fallen to sleep and I have distributed you.

Lesley xx

Morning Lesley
Just left the dog out, it’s damp outside, I am really tired so going back to bed for an hour. Hope you managed to sleep eventually.
I was lucky enough to have a cup of tea made for me every single day and brought to me in bed by my husband. I love a cuppa to start the day and wake me up. Sometimes the tea would be there and I would fall back to sleep and it would go cold. Then I would be given a fresh cuppa if he was still at home. I have really missed that cuppa - the tea and the love that came with it.
Last night I took a cup, teabag and boiling water in the flask and left them on the bedside table so I could have my first own cuppa when I wake. I have made the tea and it was drinkable but I probably won’t do it again. It made me miss him so much again. I am in tears writing this because of a cup of tea.
Today - my plans include - getting rid of the hedge clippings from the garden, 4 bags full.
Walking the dog
Taking a certificate to the building society
Ringing a friend who came to the funeral but I had not been in touch for about 2 years.
Typing minutes of a church meeting held in June, when he was first admitted to hospital.
Those are my plans and I will see how I get on. Will tell you later if I managed any of it.
So hope that today’s appointment helps you with counsellor. Please try and make a doctor’s appointment as well.
If I can help in any way - message me.
Good luck for later.
Eileen

Hi Lesley
Hope I am not disturbing you. How are you today? Did you get to speak to your Counsellor?
I have kept busy today but haven’t stuck to my list and felt ok until about 6pm. Since then I have been so sad, sobbing, feeling totally alone. I don’t think it can get any worse than this surely?
It is also getting dark in the evenings earlier now and that’s something else to cope with. I am dreading the clocks going back more than ever.
Really feel sorry for myself tonight so I’ll say goodnight. Hope you get some rest.
Eileen.

Hi,
No your not disturbing me. I did see my Counseller, actually it went well. I told her that it was getting worse, and that I was getting panic attacks. She explained that my brain was starting to process things and that my mind was fighting it. It kinda made sense to me. She said when you lose someone you truly love, this happens. She also said I had lost too much weight and that I should see the GP.
I glad you have an ok today, but the nights are gonna be tough for a long time I’m sure. I’m dreading the nights drawing in too. We used to love the winter, nice and cosy. Not now though, it’s not going to be the same.
Hope you have a good nights sleep, if not message me.

Good night

Lesley

Hi Lesley
How has your day been today?
Last night was worst ever so far but today has been easier to cope with. I have been out for lunch to the local garden centre with my sister and brother in law. Although it was hard, and I felt vulnerable, and very sad, we had a nice time and bought some plants to brighten up the borders.
This evening I planted the flowers and tidied the hedges out front and felt better that I had done a bit myself again.
Did you get to make an appointment with your GP? I hope so because you need to eat properly to put some weight back, even though food is probably the last thing you want to think about.
I am aiming for bed by midnight tonight even if I just watch any old tv programme until the early hours. My memory has been awful in the last couple of days. I am putting it down to lack of sleep, and the dark circles under my eyes reflect that.
Hope you sleep for a reasonable few hours. Message anytime if you need to. Take care.
Eileen

Hi, I’m so glad you got out today, garden centre’s are a good place to go. I know the nights are the worst thing. I have been into town with my kids. Had an ok day, but hit rock bottom when we got home though. Hopefully tomorrow will be a little better. Yes I will sort the GP soon. Don’t feel like talking to them at the moment though.
So are you ok ?

Lesley x

Hi Lesley
I am ok at the moment, thanks. There was a moment in the Garden Centre today when we were sitting waiting for lunch to come and I thought I saw Vernon, my husband. I just caught a glimpse through the glass windows of his M&S blue sweater over a blue checked shirt, grey hair, tanned face and glasses. He always wore M&S clothes, men of a certain age around here always do. It made me sit up for a moment. He went out of sight then my sister, sitting opposite me, saw the same man and she gasped as well. He actually did not look that much like him but his clothes/hair/tan did.
Tomorrow I have booked a chiropody appointment at 2pm, long overdue, as I want to start walking distances again soon. I am then planning to visit our caravan in West Wales for the first time on my own, plus dog. So this will be so strange as we loved going there together. I don’t know if I will cope staying there alone or whether I will come back next day but I must try it. The season ends last Saturday in October and I have to decide if I want to keep the van, pay site fees for 2019 and risk not using it, or whether to put it up for sale, which again will break links with many happy times together. My family and some friends would obviously use it even if I didn’t but it is an expensive item to keep and not use yourself. Pembrokeshire is a really beautiful part of Wales. We only live 55 miles away from van but it was our bolt home for peace and quiet.
Our family are talking about plans for Christmas. Hubby loved Christmas and we traditionally had fun filled times, dressing him up every year in elf, Santa, any funny costume and he loved it. So this year is going to be very strange for us all. WeHiya Jud
Apologies but I have been outside the house for a large part of day. I took Pod for a walk first thing then Pam and Ger called. We had a couple of hours and lunch in Pontardulais Garden Centre. I bought some pansies and cyclamen for a bit of colour outside and planted them. I also cut a lot of the bushes back as Vernon did not manage to do much at all this year before getting ill. It was too wet in March and April then he started to feel unwell after op in May. Last night was the worst yet. I was ok all day until about 11pm. Chatted to Ian on the phone and then the floodgates opened. Today has been ok again. I keep thinking how brave Elizabeth in church has been since losing John. She also had an illness herself and is still carrying on studying as well. At the moment I cannot concentrate on anything for long. I haven’t watched the news for weeks or even read the Evening Post more than twice in 6 weeks. Hopefully I will get back to myself soon but I keep thinking that my old life has gone and I don’t really want a new life. I just want to wake up one morning and see Vernon again. Sorry rambling again. I never thought we would be ended as a couple like this. No-one can really imagine their end but it had not entered our heads that it would be our turn so soon. I keep going over and over the events before the hospital to see if I can pinpoint anything but it all started to go wrong after the Halo op. Whatever was there must have started at that time.
Apologies again. Tomorrow I have a chiropody appointment 2pm and then afterwards plan to go to the van. Alastair will come for either Fri or Sat night but can’t stay longer due to looking after his cat. From 13th-17th Aug Al will be in Pembroke at show with work, so staying in van.We have thought of going away to a cottage or hotel but in truth all plans are very half hearted so no decisions made yet other than we are all agreed it is going to be horrible without him this year and every other year to come. He would not want us to spoil anything for the grandchildren but they are very upset too and at 13 and 9 understand exactly what has happened to their lovely, crazy grandad. They came to the funeral, which was so brave as it was their first one.
So everyone is affected by this loss, we are all grieving. One of my sons prior to the post mortem result, thought the hospital were negligent in care by not treating the sepsis quickly enough. As it happens it was an aggressive and rare terminal cancer. So he is at least now satisfied that nothing could have prevented his dad’s death.
It is all so heartbreaking, so sudden, so unbelievable. I know you and your family feel the same. At the moment it is one foot in front of the other every day in order to keep going. For me, the pain of loss is terrible but the kindness shown to me has been amazing and overwhelming. I cannot get used to putting one plate, one cup and saucer etc out. I am wasting food as I am still thinking for two. I still get in to “my” side of the bed, there are still two toothbrushes in the bathroom. There are now lotss and lots of photos of him everywhere because I am terrified of forgetting his face and I need him to be looking back at me from wherever I am in the house.
Does everyone act like this? Am I going mad? Last night I sobbed and sobbed and thought it would go on forever.
Tonight I feel exhausted again but not so out of control.
Who knows what tomorrow will be like?
For tonight anyway, I wish you and your family, peace, comfort, sleep and safety.
Goodnight and God bless
Eileen

Hi Lesley
I don’t know what happened there but a message to my friend attached itself to the post to you. It is very mixed up and I apologise.
Eileen

Hello Connie,
So sorry to hear of your sad loss, my condolences.
I lost my dear husband almost 23 weeks ago, i too felt I was coping better in the early weeks but as time went by it became more reality and raw. I have friends but not a lot and often spend days alone which I don’t like at all.
Yes emotions are very mixed up at this time, sometimes not making much sense at all, tears often come at unpredictable moments.
I was married 34 yrs and miss him so much.
Please feel free to express how you feel, we all understand on here and I find it really helps to talk about my husband and how I feel. Take care x

I lost my husband of almost 36yrs a week ago and each day it gets worse.I just keep crying and have no energy to do anything. Wherever we went, when we came home we used to say I would rather be with you than anyone else. I know he suffered terribly for almost s year but selfishly I wanted him to stay. I feel as if I am drowning

Hi Toria
I’m really sorry for your loss. I know exactly how you feel. I lost my husband suddenly, didn’t get the chance to say goodbye. He didn’t suffer, which is good for him. But such a shock for me and the kids.
It was 9 weeks ago, it’s all a blur
Have you got family around you? I hope you have. Take care, I will be thinking of you
Lesley

Hi Leslym, I feel for you. I don’t know which is worse, a sudden loss like yours or slowly watching your handsome and fit husband shrivel away. In the end it doesn’t matter because we are still left living in a kind of fog. I have 2 lovely grown up children but so far I haven’t wanted to spend much time with anyone. I am hoping friends will hang around until I feel more able to mix. How old are your children ?

Hi
I have 3 children, my son Alex is 25 and I have twin daughters, Stephanie and Kirsty 22. They are all amazing lovely kids. My husband Richard was just the best husband and dad. He was kind, funny and very handsome. We were very close. He was very caring and loving. We were together nearly 40 years, married for 30. Richard was just 55. It’s not fair, life is so cruel.
What about you ?
I hope you are ok, I can’t make it any better for you, but I’m here if you want to talk.

Lesley

Sounds as if we both had lovely husbands. I got tea and toast in bed every day and the children adored him. He was kind , calm and funny. I have had so many cards saying how lovely he was, such a gentleman…My children have their own homes fairly nearby, which no doubt I will eventually appreciate. Our first grandchild is due at the end of August, and Peter so wanted to see her. I think that has made it harder because he would have been a lovely grandad.Despite my children and friends I feel so lonely, as if part of me is missing.

Hi,
Yeah that’s what makes is so tragic and painful, my husband was just the loveliest man, I can’t say anything negative about him. I don’t think I will ever come to terms with this, and I don’t even want to.
I hope you are ok, I will be awake for a while as I don’t sleep much, so if you want a chat I’m here.

Lesley

Hi Lesley and All
Six weeks today since I lost my husband of 46 years and each day is a battle. I can’t believe how every aspect of life has changed. I can’t cry much anymore, there is such emptiness and sadness.
We can’t say much to comfort each other but it is good to be able to say how we feel and know someone is listening.
This time of night is by far the worst time for me. I am keeping busy all day, every day, but now it’s so quiet and lonely.
So goodnight and hope you get some rest tonight.
Eileen

Hi,
I said those very words today, every aspect of our lives have changed. In hate that none of it was a choice. It’s so not fair.
I hope you sleep well and have a better day tomorrow
.

Lesley

Hi Lesley
How are you doing? Are you still awake?
Are you feeling any different as the weeks go on?
I have had another bad day. It’s getting worse. I am trying so hard to get out and about and be normal and sometimes I am but the slightest thing puts me back in tears. I miss him so much and want to talk to him, to be with him and to tell him one more time that he was the love of my life. We were such a good team and could tackle anything as long as we pulled together. All that has gone. He was the fun in our family and we always had a joke when he was around. A friend lost her hubby 10 years ago and has been a great support but she said she still cries almost every day at some point even now. I know every person will lose their partner one day but no-one prepares you really for what it is like. Pain, emptiness, longing, desperation. I can’t see it ending for a long, long time. I keep telling my sons to remember the happy times and make sure they try to have happy lives as no-one knows when things might change.
Hope I haven’t disturbed you.
Eileen

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