I am ok at the moment, thanks. There was a moment in the Garden Centre today when we were sitting waiting for lunch to come and I thought I saw Vernon, my husband. I just caught a glimpse through the glass windows of his M&S blue sweater over a blue checked shirt, grey hair, tanned face and glasses. He always wore M&S clothes, men of a certain age around here always do. It made me sit up for a moment. He went out of sight then my sister, sitting opposite me, saw the same man and she gasped as well. He actually did not look that much like him but his clothes/hair/tan did.
Tomorrow I have booked a chiropody appointment at 2pm, long overdue, as I want to start walking distances again soon. I am then planning to visit our caravan in West Wales for the first time on my own, plus dog. So this will be so strange as we loved going there together. I don’t know if I will cope staying there alone or whether I will come back next day but I must try it. The season ends last Saturday in October and I have to decide if I want to keep the van, pay site fees for 2019 and risk not using it, or whether to put it up for sale, which again will break links with many happy times together. My family and some friends would obviously use it even if I didn’t but it is an expensive item to keep and not use yourself. Pembrokeshire is a really beautiful part of Wales. We only live 55 miles away from van but it was our bolt home for peace and quiet.
Our family are talking about plans for Christmas. Hubby loved Christmas and we traditionally had fun filled times, dressing him up every year in elf, Santa, any funny costume and he loved it. So this year is going to be very strange for us all. WeHiya Jud
Apologies but I have been outside the house for a large part of day. I took Pod for a walk first thing then Pam and Ger called. We had a couple of hours and lunch in Pontardulais Garden Centre. I bought some pansies and cyclamen for a bit of colour outside and planted them. I also cut a lot of the bushes back as Vernon did not manage to do much at all this year before getting ill. It was too wet in March and April then he started to feel unwell after op in May. Last night was the worst yet. I was ok all day until about 11pm. Chatted to Ian on the phone and then the floodgates opened. Today has been ok again. I keep thinking how brave Elizabeth in church has been since losing John. She also had an illness herself and is still carrying on studying as well. At the moment I cannot concentrate on anything for long. I haven’t watched the news for weeks or even read the Evening Post more than twice in 6 weeks. Hopefully I will get back to myself soon but I keep thinking that my old life has gone and I don’t really want a new life. I just want to wake up one morning and see Vernon again. Sorry rambling again. I never thought we would be ended as a couple like this. No-one can really imagine their end but it had not entered our heads that it would be our turn so soon. I keep going over and over the events before the hospital to see if I can pinpoint anything but it all started to go wrong after the Halo op. Whatever was there must have started at that time.
Apologies again. Tomorrow I have a chiropody appointment 2pm and then afterwards plan to go to the van. Alastair will come for either Fri or Sat night but can’t stay longer due to looking after his cat. From 13th-17th Aug Al will be in Pembroke at show with work, so staying in van.We have thought of going away to a cottage or hotel but in truth all plans are very half hearted so no decisions made yet other than we are all agreed it is going to be horrible without him this year and every other year to come. He would not want us to spoil anything for the grandchildren but they are very upset too and at 13 and 9 understand exactly what has happened to their lovely, crazy grandad. They came to the funeral, which was so brave as it was their first one.
So everyone is affected by this loss, we are all grieving. One of my sons prior to the post mortem result, thought the hospital were negligent in care by not treating the sepsis quickly enough. As it happens it was an aggressive and rare terminal cancer. So he is at least now satisfied that nothing could have prevented his dad’s death.
It is all so heartbreaking, so sudden, so unbelievable. I know you and your family feel the same. At the moment it is one foot in front of the other every day in order to keep going. For me, the pain of loss is terrible but the kindness shown to me has been amazing and overwhelming. I cannot get used to putting one plate, one cup and saucer etc out. I am wasting food as I am still thinking for two. I still get in to “my” side of the bed, there are still two toothbrushes in the bathroom. There are now lotss and lots of photos of him everywhere because I am terrified of forgetting his face and I need him to be looking back at me from wherever I am in the house.
Does everyone act like this? Am I going mad? Last night I sobbed and sobbed and thought it would go on forever.
Tonight I feel exhausted again but not so out of control.
Who knows what tomorrow will be like?
For tonight anyway, I wish you and your family, peace, comfort, sleep and safety.
Goodnight and God bless