Hi Lesley
How are you? Hope it helped you having your sister to stay. My sister lives about 4 miles away and has been amazing by listening, hugging and just being there for me.
10 weeks yesterday and still sobbing on and off. Yesterday was such agony and I didn’t think I would make it through but today is today and I am still here, still struggling. I am so tired, memory shocking so hope that will improve with time.
I think of you most days and our other widow/ers who are all suffering through bereavements.
Take care and hope that the good memories we all have help us get through somehow.
Hi,
Yes it was lovely having my sister to stay, she is coming back on the 10th for another 5 days. I can’t wait, she is such a support to me and the kids. This awful pain and longing is getting harder and harder.
How are you doing ? Hope it’s all going as well as can be ?
Lesley
Hi Lesley
Glad to hear from you. Yes the pain and longing is just as bad. I am coping on the face of it and doing jobs such as gardening because I have to. I prefer being in the fresh air than indoors as that is so lonely. I am walking the dog a lot, comfort eating when indoors which has to stop as the weight I lost initially is piling back on.
I hate being without hubby. I miss everything about him, even the bits that used to annoy the life out of me like dirty boot marks over the kitchen floor when he “only popped in for a drink of water” and it “was not worth taking the boots off.” I am talking to him/myself all the time and playing Foster and Allen Cd’s over and over again as he loved the Irish tunes especially the soppy ones and it brings me closer to him. I am “coping” so everyone says but inside I am so sad, puzzled at why did it happen, and feeling cheated of the shared years we thought we had together.
Heard something today or maybe yesterday, “Tomorrow is not guaranteed to anyone” -how true.
Please take care and I hope your children are ok too. It has really affected my two boys and the grandchildren. Our family has a great gap in it.
Regards
Eileen
Hi Lesley
I haven’t been on the site for a long time. I have wondered many times over the passing months how you are getting on. It us still so hard and 6 months have passed since I lost my husband in June. Life is so different and Christmas/New Year have been so hard. I cry at some point every day and most nights. I thought I would be stronger by now. The family have been so supportive and my dear sister is amazing but at the end of the day, I am alone and miss him so much.
Hope you are taking care of yourself and getting through your grief. It is so painful. God Bless.
Hi Lesley
I haven’t been on the site for a long time. I have wondered many times over the passing months how you are getting on. It us still so hard and 6 months have passed since I lost my husband in June. Life is so different and Christmas/New Year have been so hard. I cry at some point every day and most nights. I thought I would be stronger by now. The family have been so supportive and my dear sister is amazing but at the end of the day, I am alone and miss him so much.
Hope you are taking care of yourself and getting through your grief. It is so painful. God Bless.
Hi,
Lovely to hear from you. Sorry to hear you are still struggling, I am too. It seems to be getting worse for me, I cry most days and sometimes I don’t think I will stop. Nothing seems to help, I too have unwavering support from my kids and family but it’s not enough. Like you said we are alone at the end of the day. People come and visit but then they go back to their normal lives, that’s what hurts the most. I can’t imagine ever being happy again.
Hi Lesley
Thank you for getting back to me. The loneliness is horrible. I talk non stop to Vernon’s picture and to Vernon, telling him everything that is going on and asking him for help. It sounds mad and sometimes I feel as if I am going mad. All those years together, I miss telling him my news, I miss his presence in the house and garden, walks, cuddles, everything. I have learned to do some odd jobs myself, which he used to do so well but then I want to show him and want him to say how good it is. I am now driving the bigger family car which I didn’t really use previously. It still has Vernon’s CD’s and sunglasses, pens and things in it. I have listened to the one CD constantly as it was our favourite, Foster and Allen, and play it over and over. I keep asking myself why did he have to leave me and realise he would have stayed if he could have. I know he was in agony for the last few days of his life. The hospital did not realise how ill he was. We had no idea he was in last few days of his life. If so, I would have said so much more to him. It was not to be and I regret that so much.
I cry at some point every day, sometimes for no reason. Sometimes I feel the crying will not stop but it does. Sleep still broken. Very late before I get to sleep and very tired as a result. I hate getting up in the mornings and only do so because of our dog. She has been such an asset to keep me going.
Sorry to unburden again. I feel for you and for others going through bereavement. I did not have any idea of how bad the suffering can be. I will certainly be more aware to help others in future if I can.
Please keep in touch at any time when you feel like talking. I am also a good listener. Day by day, that is all we can do.
Thinking of you and your family. God Bless x
Hi,
Going mad, well that’s something I think about every day, I’m sure I am going mad. I know I’m not in my right mind at the moment. I completely unestimated the loneliness aspect of grief, I knew I would be lonely but this is on a different level. I can be with loads of people but be completely alone ! I have started counselling now as I was completely lost and to be honest I had started to have a drink a bit too often, I didn’t drink before so was scared it would take hold. The Counseller is lovely, but I know he can’t change anything but it it good to be able to talk about how I feel.
So are you having any help ? How do you literally get through each day ? That’s my worry, I’m just existing, not living!
It’s good to chat again, I’m here if you want to chat later ?
Best wishes Lesley
Hi Lesley,
Sorry I didn’t reply straight away, I have had another couple of bad days but feeling stronger today so can cope a bit better. I am so pleased that you are talking to a counsellor. I rang the Samaritans late one night and howled on the phone, they listened but could not help much. We pay Benenden, and they have a 24/7 Counsellor to talk to, and I have phoned once, the lady was excellent and just listened to my desperate feelings. I haven’t phoned again, but it is good to know that they are there if needed. My sister is my main strength. I see or speak to her every day, and she can tell by looking at me what sort of state I am in. So if I pick up a phone, she knows whether to talk or listen. How do I get through my days? With great difficulty. I wake up every day and ask V how he is and where he is. I have to get up to let my dog out, and sometimes go back to bed but that is getting a bit less. The dog makes me go out, as otherwise, living alone, it would be tempting to stay inside all day. The weather in Wales has been so wet that I haven’t been able to do any gardening. I am involved in church, we both were, and I am struggling to go there, as I keep remembering all the work we did together, from cleaning, repairs, events, and his funeral. A new Warden has taken over from V but I have to help him as he was thrown in the deep end, and it was not fair, so I have been guiding him as best as I can. IN the lead up to Christmas I was heavily involved in our local Christmas Tree event, a lot of organising, and meetings, which I did in a very mechanical way. It was a huge success and everyone thought I was so brave to do it all, but it was not real and a distraction. Distraction is what gets me through. Each day, making a list of essential to-do’s and ticking them off as I get them done. Even the smallest things ticked off the list help, e.g. walk dog, do ironing, pick up prescription - it gives me a focus. My friends are great and keep in touch. One friend phones or texts me about 3 times a week, and invites me for a walk, or lunch. I have turned her down several times and have to be careful that she doesn’t stop asking, as it is so kind of her, so I make as much effort as I can when I feel ok. I have had to do things that I have never done before, such as MOTs and car services, which V always did. I asked his help, as I do for anything which I have to do, and strangely enough, I feel as if he is helping me. I have had to call a plumber to a small leak, which V would have fixed in a minute. As these things are being achieved, I feel more in control, but I don’t want to be in control, I want him to be there doing things, laughing, talking to me, having a cup of tea with me. You know what I mean, ordinary, no fuss, simple things. I cannot imagine what life will be like as I get older. I hate being on my own. My sister rings me each morning to see if I am ok. I injured my leg in September and was on crutches for 6 weeks. I felt so vulnerable, so useless, so alone. If V was here, he would have fussed over me, I know that. He used to spoil me in so many little ways. Every day I had a cup of tea by the bedside, some days it would be cold as I would fall back to sleep, then he would make a fresh one. So easy to take for granted, how I would pay millions of pounds to see him give me a cuppa now. If you want to talk to me in person, let me know and I will send you my phone number. I also understand that sometimes it is easier to keep a distance. Please just remember that I am here for you, as we are both suffering through this bereavement and the loss and pain is more than I ever thought possible. We are just existing at the moment and I am told that eventually we will adjust to the new way of living. It is something that I am fighting against, I don’t want to let my passed life go, but it has gone and I look at photos, videos, diaries to keep that life alive. Keep looking to the lovely memories you have of Richard, like Vernon, he didn’t want to go, but he had to. We are so lucky to have had such special people in our lives, and years of good times to remember as well as ups and downs. Look after yourself, keep in touch. Eileen.
Hi Eileen
Sorry you’ve had a couple of bad days again, it never ends does it. I read your reply a couple of times today, and one question I need to ask, and please don’t be offended, but you said you are heavily involved in the church. I ready struggle to understand how you have any faith left, I am so angry with life and the injustice of it, I can’t think of going to church, I feel so let down by religion and faith. How do you still have faith? I’m not trying to be rude I just don’t get it. If there is a god ? Why would these things happen? Richard was taken when we were so happy and content with our lives, so why ?
I hope I haven’t offended you, and I hope I didn’t wake you up.
Hopefully speak soon
Lesley
Hello ‘Orsedd’,
I read your post with great interest.
You seem to have a busy life, so sorry for your loss.
I too live in Wales- North Wales, would love to chat.
I lost my dear husband Richard, almost 11 months ago, miss him so much.
I had a really bad day yesterday, trying not to let the grief take over too much today.
I find it’s worse this New Year than what it has been over all the previous months, maybe the leadup to the time he passed away in February. Also the thought of another year without him, he was my safe and support person as I suffer from severe agoraphobia and anxiety. I don’t like being alone but have no choice. My family is of no support at all especially my sister.
She thinks I should be getting over it by now.
I joined this forum earlier on last year and have gained support from their online video Bereavement counselling which helped a lot.
I feel so lonely and isolated these days and the emptiness overwhelming. No two days are alike. I want the ‘old me’ back, the old me I was when Richard was alive.
The weather is so gloomy at the moment in my part of North Wales that I’m having to use my SAD light, I have suffered seasonal depression for many winters.
Take care,
Pegi
Hi GwraigRich,
I hope you don’t think I’m being harsh, I want to believe, I really do. I envy people of faith. I just don’t have it myself, I’m struggling to understand why this has happened to us ? Surely if there was a ‘God’ he wouldn’t let this happen. I understand we have all got a time to go, but why so soon and not giving us a chance to say goodbye? Who is to blame, I suppose I’m asking questions that can’t be answered I don’t know.
Anyway I just wanted to assure you I wasn’t being rude or disrespectful, as I said I wish I had your faith.
BW Lesley
I’m sorry if I offend your beliefs but I have to agree with Lesley. What god gives my wife cancer and let’s her die in 3 weeks. A beautiful lady who never smoked or drunk alcohol. Who was only 51 and spent her entire life raising 3 wonderful children. What god lets her die 5 weeks before her 1st grandchild is born a little granddaughter that she will never meet. Again I’m sorry if I have offended you but to me there is no god.
William
Strangely my wife was Christian and she had an unshakeable faith. I never really understood how she remained true to her faith despite all she went through. We just chose to disagree on such matters. I’m a humanist and, strangely, so was her best friend. Her best friend died two years earlier and being a humanist didn’t save her either. They were both very well educated, had gone through university together, and were quite rational.
I don’t want to come across as rude but wouldn’t I be right in thinking there are supposedly several gods competing for the minds of people. Historically there used to be many more.
Hi
Here here I couldn’t have put it better myself.
William
I’m truly sorry that I have upset so many. I had no intention of upsetting anyone or any other religion. I was only trying to help a few people definitely not by preaching but through offering a bit of hope and comfort which I’ve found myself.
Anyway, I am so very sorry for all your losses and I really do feel for you all.
I shan’t mention the subject again. Each to their own.
I wish you all blessings on this very difficult journey.
Hope I’m forgiven for mentioning a ‘ touchy’ subject.
Kind Regards.
I’m not trying to convert anyone LuciferSam49
I’m truly sorry that I have upset so many. I had no intention of upsetting anyone or any other religion. I was only trying to help a few people definitely not by preaching but through offering a bit of hope and comfort which I’ve found myself.
Anyway, I am so very sorry for all your losses and I really do feel for you all.
I shan’t mention the subject again. Each to their own.
I wish you all blessings on this very difficult journey.
Hope I’m forgiven for mentioning a ‘ touchy’ subject.
Kind Regards.
Hello everyone,
EDIT: This thread has now been unlocked and you’ll be able to post replies as normal.
This community is a safe, supportive and non-judgmental space and we ask members to be respectful and abide by our community guidelines. If you ever come across a post that concerns you or that you think goes against these guidelines then please click the ‘report’ button at the bottom of the post or send me a private message.
If you have any questions or concerns please do get in touch with me via private message or email.
Best wishes,
Eleanor