In March of this year I lost my wife, we had been together for 53 years, she was 16,
I was 19. when we met, from then on we actually worked and lived together so were hardly apart in 24 hours, 7 days a week for those 53 years.
The day she passed away started as normal, we had got up for a cup of tea and to be brief, within a few minutes collapsed virtually into my arms having suffered what turned out to be a massive heart attack, CPR by myself and the medics all to no avail.
So began the last 4 months of the hell you are all familiar with. Having found this forum this afternoon I spent probably a couple of hours reading through the posts and having read a lot of other stuff I was expecting to see how much we all have in common with this experience what I was not expecting how many of the smaller, often quite personal, details posted were also shared!
I have read and researched quite a lot on this awful life we all find ourselves in and the so called “answers” that are bandied around , some I find unbelievable! reading this back, it gives the impression I might have a grip on this, the truth is I haven’t, I may be ok writing this at the moment but there are times, many times, when I am a grizzling, weeping mess, mornings, every morning I struggle to get to grips, I can break down at the slightest thing and like many of you I have friends and even relatives who do their best to help but they don’t “get it” I feel so alone, I don’t know whether it is actually loneliness but I really need to be able to talk to people who do get it, so I signed up!
Thanks for reading.
Hi Swift
Like you I was surprised that I have so much in common with others. I’m not the only one who holds on to a piece of paper my husband has written on. Not the only one who can’t bear to move his things.
This is a good place to come for support we are all with you
Welcome Swift. I lost my partner 12 weeks ago in what seems like exactly the same situation as you and your wife. It’s heartbreaking, shocking, almost unbelievable. All our hopes, dreams and plans gone in an instant.
I have been comforted by the posts on this site and now know it’s not just me who has this myriad of feelings.
I hope you get some support too from reading other’s experiences. It’s been a lifeline for me.
Sending love and strength.
Hi @swift I completely understand how you felt some comfort from reading all the posts. I felt it too and relief that it isn’t just me. I lost my husband of 40 years, 15 weeks ago to cancer and I don’t know what to do with myself. It’s exhausting just trying to get through the days.
I hope you feel some support from being on the site. We’ve had a lifetime of being in a partnership and it is lonely trying to adjust to being without that person.
Hi @swift
I lost my husband in March this year - he was 56 and had a very short battle with a very rare and aggressive cancer. He leaves me and his 4 kids heartbroken and every day is a struggle for us all.
I came upon this site whilst reading up on grief and initially thought that’s not something I would ever do, but after reading some posts I found it strangely reassuring, and before long I took the plunge and posted myself.
I have family and friends that I could speak to, but I find they really don’t understand - or they don’t want to see me so sad so just avoid me. Some friends and my brother and sister have just dropped out of my world completely.
I am that tragic widow that people talk about and seem to think if they talk to me they might catch the same bad luck.
On here though people do really understand - they listen and take time to reply, and offer real support and often feel similar - which helps when you think you are going crazy.
Keep reading and posting - I sometimes think I spend too much time here - often on really bad days and in the small hours but then if it helps me cope then it’s probably better than a bottle of wine !!
Look after yourself and be kind to yourself. It’s a bit of a bumpy ride. Xx
Hi Swift
I’m so sorry your dear wife was taken from you so swiftly. I find this forum really helpful. We are all trodding similar but also different paths and at different stages in our own journeys but the loss of a dearly, irreplaceable loved one is one thing we all have in common and it’s nice to know that people “get you”. I also feel just writing down how I am feeling and posting very cathartic. As for the breaking down, weeping etc it’s all pretty normal I believe as in my case is literally sitting like a statue unable to get off the couch all day no Tv, no Radio Just me and my thoughts and if I’m honest if it wasn’t for the fact that I live alone with my 3 dogs who need to be let out, I would probably stay in bed for days at a time as if I’m “sleeping “ I dont need to face people no matter how well intentioned they are. Grief is sooo tiring in my experience. You keep writing on here. We are all here to help each other. Take care and get yourself a “shed” load of hankies… that’s what I’ve done! Xx
Thank you lulu for that. I thought it was just me sitting still on the sofa for hours in complete silence without tv/radio etc, lost in my own thoughts. I never did before but it seems to be my default position most evenings. What a strange existence we all find ourselves in xx
Morning all i thought it wasnjust me that sat for hours thinking . The tv is on but i couldn’t tell you a thing about what is been said. I am empty. Tired but sleep fails me. It will be 5 weeks on Sunday.I just want my life back. Xxx
Morning all, just wanted to thank you all for your kind words to my first post.
Its 7am and just woken, reality comes crashing back for me along with the tears, I guess I am fortunate that I do actually sleep but waking is awful, the mind is sorting the dreams (that I can’t really recall just “feel”) and the real situation and the tears flow.
I go to sleep with the telly (laptop) on, the cat and cuddling my wife’s cardigan and pillow when I wake I try not to put the laptop back on but so far have failed, I need the noise and distraction and so starts another day, a good friend of mine who is also living with this, when asked by the uninitiated “what do you do?” replies “I go to bed and I get up” sums it up really, one day at a time.
Thanks for listening.
Morning Swift yesterday was a really bad day for me. I dont sleep properly i just cat nap the night away. Everyone says one day at a time but as the days pass almost 5 weeks it seems harder. I keep looking for signs hebis still with me. I need that. Heres hoping the pain of losing them does get better. Xxx
Morning Swift,
so much of what you have written in both your posts reflects my world now plus how my husband passed away.
It was in March and sudden and unexpected.
CPR and other strategies could not bring him back.
We had been together very close to 50 years.
The telly/laptop, cat, tears, distractions are all very, very familiar.
Your friend’s response says it all.
Thank you for sharing.
My thoughts and understanding are with you,
Rose x
Hello Swift- it seems like this dreadful grief thing is universal, but you have to experience it to truly understand. I’ve lost friends and family members but there’s nothing to compare to loosing your lifetime partner. Your whole world changes and is never the same again. Feeling for you and completely understanding your pain. It’s true that grief equals love - without that there wouldn’t be grief. X
Thank you Jazpur, couldn’t agree more, since joining this forum I have been astonished at the number and the depth of grief and pain that people are going through, I have a small circle of customers that buy fishing bait from me, most of them are male and 60’s to 80’s they know I lost my wife as she was always part of the scene so it does come up in conversation, some have lost their wives, some of them are carers for their wives and some are happily retired with some sort of planned life ahead of them, I cannot lie to them about how much this hurts, the ones who have lost their wives understand but the others cannot and do not want to comprehend that this is going to happen in their future, I think that some think I am over stating things, maybe they just cannot relate to it, maybe its a built in self preservation beyond their control, it really saddens me that so many of the human population will go through this to some degree or other, I also think that many will not experience the same level of pain
and anguish and I guess the forum does attract those that are suffering the greatest as we are all desperate for answers, comfort and help, a friend of mine who was attending a bereavement group was astonished when another member was telling him about the best dating apps! everyone to their own I guess but I cannot believe his grief/love could have been that great for his lost wife but who knows?
Like most on here I have no idea what the future holds, my good and experienced friend who is dealing with more grief than you think possible, told me in the very early days “do not make plans and major decisions” I have taken his advice and I realise that even tho’ my wife is not with me (at least in the physical sense) I am not going to change anything from the plans/ideas we had before she died, they were not significant but they suited us, it has taken 4 months for me to realise that the love we had put into our lives, our work/business, the building of our forever home (after a 20 year fight with the council!) our continuation of our 2 year retirement (late retirees) will be continued by me, obviously in consultation with my wife! it is only very recently that I have been able to think like this without a meltdown, so for anybody reading this I hope you can see that there will be moments when you can emerge from the hell you are in, you may dip back into it but it is a forward move albeit very small, your grief/love does not diminish, if you believe as I do that grief and love are one and the same then it cannot change but you will be able to cope with, a little at a time, the pain you are suffering,
Once again my rabbiting has run away with me!
Hoping you can get a restful night.
x
@swift your post really resonates with me. I do agree that grief and love are the same and for that reason it’s hard to imagine that this pain will lessen. My husband passed away about 4 months ago and I agree that there are moments when I can feel almost normal then my head returns to the reality of his loss.
I don’t know what my plans for the future will be as we were going to continue to travel and I can’t even imagine doing that alone.
But I think you’re right about not making any major decisions for now. I’m just focussed on my children who are in their twenties and making sure they are able to move on with their lives.
Thank you for sharing your thoughts as it does help to read what others are thinking and feeling too.
Rabbit away Swift- it’s good for you. Well done for your determination. One other thing I meant to say, which I learnt recently, is that the 5 stages of grief do not run in a straight line from despair to coping, but go round in circles - sometimes you experience them all in just one day!
Thank you Swift for articulating your thoughts. My beloved partner passed away in April and I too have struggled to see a future without him. When you said you were going to continue the plans you made together it really resonated with me - thank you. It has given me some hope that I too should carry on with our plans knowing he would have approved and will hopefully be with me in some way.
If as you say grief is love, then this will last the rest of our lives.
Morning All you all sound so posative. I need to get some positively from some where. It will be 5 weeks tomorrow. I am still really struggling to make sense of anything. I know my agrophobia and anxiety doesn’t help. I wish you for everyone is I hope we all find some sort of resolve and happiness again some day. Xxxx
I understand and resonate with everyone here on this page.
I’m 18 months in to this journey after sudden and unexpected loss and it’s been one hell of a ride.
The 3am wake ups, no sleep, too much sleep, suicidal thoughts, anxiety, fear, desperation, unimaginal pain, loss of hope, despair, stupid comments, lack of understanding.
I’ve faced it all.
Now, my days are mixed but mostly i enjoy things again. I sleep, laugh, enjoy things but have an undercurrent of sadness at what he had missed and is missing but also what I’m missing without him. It never goes away but is getting easier with time.
Some moments feel surreal, sometimes i question if we really happened, did i imagine it but it’s real.
I miss every bit of him, the memories this year come thick and fast and unexpected so i feel I’m up and down as a yo-yo with my emotions.
I still take each day as it comes, i don’t plan much, not because i don’t want to but because my man died so suddenly and my life changed in seconds, i find it hard to believe in tomorrow, as it’s not guaranteed.
I live for now.
This works for me. What works for you will be different. All our journeys are unique to us. We had different relationships, different lengths of time together, different journeys within those years.
You will all find a way and it will get easier. Grief never goes away, there is no cure but in time you’ll learn to work with it. Nothing you do will make it go away but you can move on from it, if you want to.
Thank you for that.
Like you, my loss was sudden, and at 8 weeks today, I am still reeling with shock and disbelief sometimes. I have been widowed twice now, both sudden cardiac arrests. I should be better at it, but I just can’t recall how I survived the first time, let alone when I started to feel better.
This time feels worse, not because I loved him more than my first husband, I loved them both dearly and equally. I think it is partly because I was 20 years younger and my daughter was less disabled, (I am a full time carer for her). But this time we spent every minute of every day together for the last 16 years.
It is reassuring to be reminded that you can learn to live with the pain, and start to have good days sometimes.
Xx
Mine is also my second husband i was only with him 5 years and he died if a dvt. Gra i was with 18 yrs married 16 on the 2 of August. Like you i cant remember when I started to feel better and yes I was also younger but I also had both my parents then. Hiw cruel life can be . I like yourself loved both my darling husbands equally. I do hope there is a time when i can smile and laugh again and not feel heart broken and down all the time. Hugs jo xxx