Jody, in the earlier weeks it was really difficult to get my feelings and thoughts together, I didn’t know how I felt about our home, we had fought all our married life to build and create our home, it is on a small piece of land that we also ran our nursery from, 7 years ago we finally got permission and our little house for 2 was built, we have lived here for 6 years, creating the garden from a field, building the patio that my wife filled with the plants she so loved, we retired 2 years ago to enjoy and continue turning the rest of the “field” into a wildlife haven, at first I felt as if the love I had for the place had been tarnished or something, it was almost as if there was a stain on the place, slowly I realised I could not let this happen, it’s been almost 50 years in the making, I sincerely believe that my wifes spirit does reside here, I am not religious in the usual sense but I have had a strong emotional and “spiritual” connection to this place since my early twenties and all of nature that resides here - but that’s another story! so even tho’ my wife is not physically here I do feel we are continuing what we set out to do and having realised this the love is back, needless to say I miss her terribly, I have really down days with tears that just do not want to stop and sadness is now part of my life.
A few weeks ago I would not have been able to write this or believed in what I have written, it may not seem it now but there are small comforts ahead, hour by hour, day by day.
Swift thank you so much for putting things into perspective. It has given me comfort and hope. Following the sudden death of my partner all our plans, hopes and dreams were gone in an instant. He didn’t take any medication or have any medical conditions, so his passing so suddenly has been traumatic and happened whilst we were away in Scotland. Like you we felt we were getting the house and garden to how we wanted it for our retirement. We were future proofing it for our old age so we could always remain here. How wrong we were! That being short lived you have given me hope to carry on and continue what we’d started. Having read your post that now feels the right thing to do and has given me something positive on which to focus. It’s much appreciated x
Thank you Jody, this journey is so hard, if my experience has helped in any way then I am really pleased! It is a journey, it has a beginning, I don’t believe it has an end but we will find comfort on the way. 
(is that appropriate?)
Hi Swift yes it is appropriate. I understand what you mean x
Ty Swift your words give me comfort that it cant always be dark day for the future. I lost my husband 5 weeks today and omg its so hard to see any kind of future than this hell i am in . Love jo xxx
Hi Jevncute, it won’t always be dark days for the future, everybody is different so you can’t predict a timescale, from my own recent experience I have realised that my dark, hopeless and frightening days are a little less overwhelming and this gives me hope that I can continue a progress forward, I have no idea whether it will be stop, start, forward or reverse but I know it cannot be as bad as the place we all come from in the early days, weeks or months, however, progress forward comes with it’s own consequences, for me anyway, that is guilt that I feel this tiny bit better, guilt that I should feel awful for the rest of my life to show the love for my wife has not diminished, I shall have to come to a compromise with her!
It has been 16 weeks for me and yours is only 5, don’t expect changes yet, work your way along the journey and one day you will realise there has been small changes, it will come.
I hope tonight will be restful and love to all on this awful journey,
Hello Swift.
Thank you for sharing. It’s 10 months today since my dear Mum passed and my pain is getting worse not better. I have ADHD and I’ve been told that can make grieving very intense. I don’t know if this is true because I believe people without ADHD can feel tremendous pain and sadness too. You just need to read some of the posts on here to see that. I have been dreading her dying for the last 50 years. But the reality is brutal.
I’m sharing this poem. It’s called
Inside Out
Get used to grief my friend for once it calls it does not take it’s leave
An unwanted guest but a guest nonetheless and a guest we must receive
Get used to grief my friend for once it’s with you it sticks like sea to shore
The folks who grieve get no reprieve just the learning to live once more
Get used to grief my friend for when it arrives it won’t be escorted out
So usher it in let the grief win its love turned inside out.
Donna Ashworth
Love and hugs to all xx
How right is the poem! I have had a couple of days where things have been a little more positive, for the first time in 4 months I woke up without whatever had been going on in my mind whilst asleep causing a lot of tears. let down by a friend who was visiting in the morning, like a lot of people here I don’t like Sundays, it used to be the day of visits but I guess I am expected to be over things now and capable of looking after myself, still I was feeling comparatively up beat so went shopping with my daughter and we spent a pleasant afternoon at home before taking her back to her house, however, on leaving it all changed, driving through our “home” town, the tears flowed, along the high street where I had spent so much time with my wife, from courting (such an old fashioned word!) shopping, where the kids grew up and the final straw of passing the funeral directors where not only where my wife was 4 months ago but also our son, 20 years ago so the tears flowed, just didn’t expect it.
Sometimes, not grief but the pain that accompanies grief can be absolute crap.
Take care.
Hi Swift
What a day of mixed emotions for you. But you did “hold it together for a big part of the day and no tears first thing. So that’s a big positive . I still wake up very teary I hate it! It feels to me a bit like”oh no here we go again”! You know like a fast fairground ride that you wish would stop so you could get off and get your breath and some equilibrium back if only for a few minutes. Well we are not getting off anytime soon, so I’m trying to employ strategies (CBT) stuff to help me get better at “hanging on tight on this ride”. as I’m failing miserably right now. I do have a favourite saying though. “Try harder, fail better “ and I’m certainly failing spectacularly right now! So the only way is up I guess.
You are soo right about the pain being crap, coz it is. It’s unrelenting just like you coping so well earlier in the day then it got you again later. Sneaky bugger grief!
It’s like a thief that has stolen our lives.
I also hate Sundays as that’s the day my Mum died.
Take care, we will I’ll get through this.
Luv and hugs to all xx
Hi lulujones
Interesting to see you have also employed CBT strategies to cope, I guess we all do this even if we are not sure what we are doing! from the very beginning you have absolutely no idea on what to do, looking back I find it hard to believe that we do go through this inability to cope even with the smallest of things, for me and I guess most others you desperately try to find anything that you hope will help, I wasn’t aware of this forum until about a week ago but my first self help was to just write my random thoughts and feelings whenever the need arose, this was often in the night when you are often at your worst, I have looked back at some and cannot believe how desperate I was, I then looked at and bought a writing journal from Amazon, at first I thought it would be good but it then got a bit complicated and made assumptions on how I should be feeling so it fell into disuse.
From sometime before my wifes death I had been interested in mindfulness but wasn’t sure whether I really believed it was any different from meditation but I found some that were catering for bereaved and I persevered and do find it helpful, still not sure of the difference to meditation!
I also looked at books and found one that has been a godsend, its called “Its OK that you’re not OK” by Megan Devine, a lot of what I had read about grief, bereavement and how to deal with it just did not seem right but on reading this book it confirmed what I already felt and a lot more! I am now reading through it for the second time,this book was a major factor in beginning to move forward (please note, NOT move on, there is a difference as explained in the book) she also explained that grief is love and as such is not something that you can “cure” or “get over” once I had started to accept what this lady had written it made so much sense and genuinely has helped me “move forward” this book and discovering this forum and being able to chat have been the 2 biggest helpful things in this awful, life changing event we now have to live with.
Take care xx
Looks like I have just deleted my response! took me hours! I will try again.
Hi Swift.
Bet you don’t do it as often as I do!!
Hiya
Was it the one in which you talked about coping strategies and a book by Megan Devine? I’m going to get that book as it sounds interesting. Thanks .
Xx
It was! I will rewrite and post again, not been in a very good mood today, things going wrong, can’t get motivated to do things that need doing, even the poor cat is getting it in the ear today! I’ll try a bit later.
I am so sorry for your loss. This forum is helpful as it makes you feel less alone and with people who also are going/have gone through the pain. A friend recently sent me this which I have found very helpful. It might also be helpful for you.
Grief is a matter of the heart and soul. Grieve your loss, allow it in spend time with it. Suffering is the optional part.
I have that book and it is very good. The author was widowed suddenly at an early age and she totally gets it- rather than the usual psychological view of how you should be feeling.
It was the same for me 14 weeks ago my husband age 65 talking brought me a cup of tea in bed, then we are talking about what we were going to do that day , next thing it’s CPR on the living room floor! I thought he was gone then (TBH he was )! But then two days of false hope in icu where I had to watch his life support be turned off ! It was the shock of it all ! And now I feel I just have to “pretend to people “! I am 56 so have another 10 years before I can retire so have to carry on a work ! Pretending I am ok ,
Earlier on I posted and it included the book details, glad you like it Jody.
The book is: “Its OK that you are not OK” by Megan Devine, I was sceptical at first because she is a therapist but she lost her husband at an early age and it changed her view completely from what was/is considered to be the standard answers to grief and bereavement, almost everything I read in the book resonated with my feelings but she put into words, I have just started reading it again. To recap, I lost my wife 4 months ago, I had started to write everything down trying to get some respite from the awful situation we are all experiencing, I then tried using an “official” journal but that didn’t work, I then found the book some weeks on (wish I had found it at the very beginning!)
that book and this forum I have found to be the 2 most helpful things.
Recently I was feeling quite a bit more positive and beginning to sort things in my mind, particularly realising that ruminating about the "what ifs…, if only… etc " get hold of you and are very damaging, all you are doing is torturing yourself by going over and over things,
This afternoon , it suddenly all hit me again and it has been a tearful day, it came as quite a shock to me as suddenly it seems I have gone back in time why? I don’t know but I guess it is all part of the journey.
Take care x
Jane 15, I am so sorry to hear this, its very distressing trying to revive the one you love, my wife had just made a cup of tea, she collapsed onto the floor and I was administering cpr, ambulances, helicopter the works arrived, they were brilliant but I believe she had died within minutes, they put her into our bed and I was left to look after her until the funeral directors arrived, not one of my choice as it was now under the coroner, what the hell had just happened? one minute a cup of tea and then - on your own.
Take care x
Awww bless you all my husband died 30 days ago of heart failure. He fought sephis came home for a week and half back into hospital where once again he was put on end of life. It was the hardest part telling him he was coming home again when I knew he wasnt. But he was scared of leaving me alone. I asked the doctor not to tell him. I wish with all my heart he was here now . Xxx