So many posts have the same theme. Falling out with relatives and friends, or them falling out with us. At times such as this emotions run high and are often exacerbated by grief. Normal anger turns into hate. Fear can become an obsession. The need to lash out at someone or some thing can seem overpowering. Unkind inappropriate remarks hurt, and we may feel resentful that others can’t feel as we do. ‘Why can’t they feel my pain’? we often ask.
But they are not you. Who knows what may be going on in their minds. Like some of us they may be going through hell inside, but put on a brave face. Most people can’t cope with emotions of any sort. They do anything to avoid it. Distractions are very evident. But only by facing our problems head on, as painful as it may be, can we begin to come to terms about what has happened. Any other course is evasion, avoidance or even denial. Pushing problems away and failing to recognize them as reality can lead to long term distress.
There’s not a thing we can do about the past. The awful pain, the distress and fear won’t change anything.
Relations can be cruel. But all the time we hold grievances and try and get back at them the more heightened our emotions become. We just can’t afford such emotions. Forgiveness is still needed. They often don’t know what they are doing or saying.
Anyone who has relatives who understand is indeed fortunate. Just as we need time so do they. People often avoid a bereaved person because they just don’t know what to say. This can be misconstrued as being hurtful and deliberately callous. We have no idea what goes on in another’s mind.
Recently someone posted that her mother-in-law was resentful that her son’s wife was at his side at the end and she wasn’t. This may sound awful. How could she be so heartless? I don’t know, nether does anyone. We judge people by their actions which are not always good indicators as to how they feel. Lashing out in anger is a way of expressing the fear that accompanies loss. We may even be angry with our loved one for leaving us. It’s all a natural response to the pain we feel
For our own peace of mind and to avoid further pain we should forgive. This does not mean we need associate with those who are ‘vexatious to our spirit’, but forgiveness can be done from a distance. The important thing is to do it in your mind. Blessings.
Jonathan…
… well put…yes dont let these people win, rise above them is my way of coping, this makes me a better and stronger person than they will ever be…prove we will come out the other end, with them or without them…My motto always is…" look after number one ( YOURSELF - ME ) as in this world, no one else will…Anyway, at the end of the day, these people will have their own problems - issues to deal with, no one goes through this life unscathed, no one…Nor do we walk in other people shoes, we dont know what is going on in their lives…
I have also held onto anger and grudges but where does it get you, nowhere…
Jackie…
Sheila…
…treat them as they have treated you…at least you do have the advantage over that one…you now know in advance and not known before, if you get my drift…as i have often said, it is times like these one knows who our true friends are…sometimes it is the strangers who come into our lives who appear to be our Godsends…and put our longstanding friends to shame…
Jackie…
i have always believed " that the tables will turn…" as my late father often had said…" we live and learn, girl…" " and they will get their comeuppance…" best to leave it in the hands of our God…all we need to do is get on with our own lives the best way we can, in my world " it is the art of survival " and " survival of the fittest…" and we will do whatever it takes to survive…
Jackie…
Sheila…
…always remember " what goes around, comes around…" we dont need to do nothing…just bide our time, wait and watch…
Jackie…
Shelia…
…I see what you mean, guess it depends more of what we thought of the dead person rather than the survivors of that dead person…by all means pay ones respects to the people who we care about, as it was for that person only why we have gone in the first place, not the others…this i believe to be the way i would do it…Yes you are right, it is the way we have been brought up, to do right rather than to do wrong…it is down to principals…Sheila, at the end of the day, we are who we are, and we can not or will not change that…
Jackie…
whilst your words may guide some to believe forgiveness is needed or the answer.im in a situation were the brother of my partner,as id found out recently off a very good friend,he had been insulting me to all and sundry.please do not assume every situation were families are being nasty that we should look to the furture not the past and find forgiveness,im sorry if I missed your point of discussion.but I for one will always find Jaynes brother to be a very nasty piece of work and cannot forgive in any way shape or form is actions before I lost Jayne and is actions after I lost Jayne.i hope your words guide others but it will not guide me.
regards
ian
Hi Jonathan, wise words indeed and certainly given me something to think about. When Brian died I thought that his family would be supportive as we had always got on well. True his daughters hadn’t been near us for a long time and Brian had given up trying to call them and didn’t want them at his bedside, he would never have wanted to be a burden. The actions of his daughters really surprised me. They didn’t contact me for three days after his death. I invited them to come and see me and I stupidly thought that they would want to be involved in the funeral arrangements but they showed little interest and at the funeral completely ignored me from start to finish. I had been his wife for thirty years but they didn’t seem to acknowledge this. They wouldn’t come to the scattering of his ashes although my family attended. I rang them up (answer phone) and apologised if I had done something to offend them it wasn’t intentional and could we talk about it. No reply… I sent letters also apologising and asking for them to contact me so that we could grieve together help each other. I did emphasise that I had no intention of being needy or a burden to them but as they was Brian daughters it would be nice to keep in touch. Nothing… I wrote to other members of the family, friendly chatty letters. Nothing… I was hurt and upset, what on earth had I done to this family, I blamed myself. I tried more letters when I found paperwork and photo’s that related to them and their father and mother. Nothing… In the end I sent one more letter telling them that I would leave the paperwork on my front door step for them to collect. They collected this time but I never saw them. My last letter I said that my door was always open to them if they needed help.
Oh I forgot I did get a phone call from a third party telling me that his daughter wanted Brian’s scooter and would I get it running and ready for collection. I sold it. So how do I get around this. If they do ever turn up on my doorstep do I open my heart to them when they all but destroyed me at a time when I was tired, and vulnerable. I am not usually a very forgiving person and Brian commented on this often as he could forgive. I half hope they feel some sort of shame at not bothering with their lovely father at a time when he needed the support of his family. And can I trust myself to keep quiet if I ever do come face to face with them. I will try, honest I will to forgive.
Pat xxx
I was very tempted to join in and post about being pushed out, being made an outsider of Richards family but i shall refrain from saying what i would like to say as i shall respect Richard as he would be protective over his family yet still he would always put me first… Well i have now come to the conclusion that my Richard was the best one of his family members, and i have told him so, just hope and pray that he can hear me, that he knows how special he is-he was, and the little or no help i got from them…nor even an invite to come to us and spend Christmas although one was aware i was all by myself over Christmas and crying every day since the day i had lost him…
I will be pushed out even more when they soon realise that something they thought was coming to them…isn’t…
Jackie…
I am so sorry Jackie that you have been treated this way. I hope we can do as Jonathan suggests and forgive our families if we ever get the chance, but I am so upset that Brian’s daughters showed no respect to Brian refusing to attend the scattering of his ashes. He was a lovely man and didn’t deserve to be treated like this.
Pat xxx
Hello Sheila I would just like to share a text with you from my son in August last year after losing my partner on the 4th May. Mum, I am deleting you after this last text, forever. I wish no harm comes to you and would not change my upbringing for anything in the universe. Alan was a massive inspiration in my life and I will grieve him for the rest of mine. The final nail in the coffin for me was YOU NEVER GAVE ME A CHANCE TO SAY GOODBYE. Even if Alan wasn’t awake in hospital, I still wanted to tell him I loved him and hold his hand while he was still warm with his heart beating and blood running through his veins. You stopped that goodbye. This final message is mine to you." Was this a surprise to me. No. Was it true what he said. No. I sat in that hospital 9 or 10 hours everyday from 8th January to 4th may when he died. I wanted Alan to have more visitors than what he did. My sister went once and she said I stopped her going which also wasn’t true. I told her to visit early on before she started on her whisky as she is an alcoholic. My son used to take me occasionally in mine and alans car but visited less and less. After Alan died I asked him why he stopped visiting and he said because he felt in the way and he didn’t know half the time that he was there anyway. So to send the text he did was a bit below the belt and he was told anyway by my youngest son who tried to get hold of him and Alans son, on the Friday night before he died., in the early hours of Saturday morning . Alans son visited twice in that time and his daughter not at all. Out of 11 grandchildren only 3 of those visited. 2 of them once and the other one a few times with his dad but he was only 11. So my question is does my eldest son deserve forgiveness when all he can think about is himself his drink and his drugs. Do any of them deserve forgiveness when they didn’t do an awful lot for him and nothing for me since he died. I think not. Janet xx
That was how i felt with my daughter, " I loved her but i didn’t like her "…think we are making a long distance bonding now, trying to mend our past, at least i am hoping we are, well i have told her that she is all i have got now, plus her son, my grandson who is a hard one to get hold of…
Janet…
… yes a long-term drinking problem will always ruin a relationship, i know this from experience, as i have mentioned as long as my daughter keeps off her drinking we will have a chance to move forwards…but she is now fully aware i am needing her now as much as she is needing me…i have now some hope for us for the future as mother and daughter…
Jackie…
Janet - Sheila…
…it is hurtful that things are the way they are with our children, this is not the way it should be…I know i dont want me and my daughters relationship to carry on the way it has in the past, i have made it clear to her that i dont want her living with regrets the same way i am now living with regrets of some of the hurtful and nasty things i had said to my Richard that i never meant them, too late now as i cant tell him this face to face, that i never meant what i said, that i do want you, i do love you…i will keep telling him this over and over again until i get a sign that he has heard me, that he knows, then maybe i shall be at some form of peace with myself, i would not wish this to happen to me and my daughter, to live with regrets…and to late where it cant be put right…
Sorry to hear that your sons are as bad as mine. Where did we go wrong. I have put a roof over my middle sons head since last February after him being made homeless. He owes me £600 and my eldest one £200 but it doesn’t end there. My 23 year old grandson also wanted to borrow money but I told him no. He was sat at home with his mother paying for most things for him and I found out the other day he was buying a dog costing £2000 but his mother made him return it. He was paying for it on the drip. I must say I am glad I am old and not just starting out in my life today. Everyone seems so selfish and disrespectful and a horrible world we live in. Yes they take it for granted that you will be there to do everything for your grandchildren. Sounds like you were put on more and more. They seem to forget it isn’t a duty of a grandparent to do all those things. More of a pleasure choosing when or even if you want to. My youngest one threw out the other day about not being there when his first child was born 12 years ago as we were on holiday. He must have thought because we had a motorhome we would have cancelled it 'til later. When I had my first child no one visited me. I was 18 and in a mother and baby home. No I don’t think we will forget or forgive the way we have been treated. Hope your results turn out ok and you take good care of yourself. Janet xx
Hi everyone. Well this could be a contentious issue - To forgive or not to forgive? That is the question…
Personally, I am not a very forgiving person. If someone has stabbed me in the back once, they don’t get a second chance. Families can be tricky. We can never know how our children are going to turn out even having been given the best upbringing. You’re absolutely right Sheila - we will always love them but we might not always like them very much. If someone has hurt us or taken advantage why should they be forgiven? In my opinion it should be up to the perpetrator to put the situation/relationship right.
However, if someone has said something which offends us in our grief then I will and do brush it off because it is simply through their ignorance. For instance, while I was out for lunch today I met an old friend who I hadn’t seen for a couple of years. She asked me " Are you happy now? " I was stunned into silence for a brief moment. What a ridiculous question. I didn’t even bother to answer her. What would I say? " Oh yes I’m absolutely ecstatic!" WTF! 
. What I’m trying to say is that although she made me very cross I won’t hold any grudges. I just went home thinking ‘stupid woman’.
I think with our children, sometimes if we try to put things right, we simply end up giving them a stick to beat us with. My grief has made me much harder and certainly intolerant. The worst has happened so everything else pales into insignificance. I simply haven’t got the time or inclination for all this forgiveness crap. If this makes me not a very nice person, well so be it. Having said that, I like to think I am a very good friend to my close friends and family.
I’m sorry for all the terrible things you’ve had to endure, Sheila, Jackie, Janet, Pat, - it’s absolutely unacceptable. Xx
PS. I’m not really a horrible person. I try to be nice, really I do. I can’t be too bad - my husband loved me 
Apologies Ian, I missed you out. I’m sorry too for all you’ve had to endure. Xx
Hi crazy kate I agree with what you have said about families, not knowing how they will turn out. They may regret it one day when they become that person looking for the love of their children, although at times i think they’re devoid of all feelings and emotions except for themselves. Stupid woman indeed. Some people need to put their brain in gear before opening their mouths. I wouldn’t say you was not a nice person, you’re someone who says it as it is. It just makes me sad that in our grief we can’t turn to the people we love, but they will sure as hell be there when i die but only for the reading of the will. Xx
Have to admit that i too hold onto grudges far too longer than need be, i am another one who " never forgets " or leaves things in the past, the past where it belongs…only wish i could do that but i now think the sudden death of my Richard has made me realise that leaving things like this will only make it harder for us when that person is gone to want so much to put right, i know i would give anything if only my Richard would come back for just five minutes so i can tell him face to face and give him the biggest hug he has ever had, and to just tell him i am sorry for all the hurtful things i have ever said to him that i never meant it…please dont leave it too late to put things right, dont live with regrets…There have been several people -friend-family members, an aunt a cousin still alive i assume, over the years that have just turned their backs on me, and for no apparent to me reason, it is just there way…As i have mentioned before, the only true person that i could 100% trust was my Richard, he was loyal to the end, he was a very special person who came into my life 20 years ago and should still be in my life today…As for friends and family well dont get me started, no wonder i place myself now as number one, look after myself as no one else will…
Jackie…
Sheila…
…just a thought…why not ask your son the same question, ask him " how much his home is worth, " one never knows, he might go before you go…
Life has a strange way of doing things its way, not ours…
And dont forget, " age is just a number…" when our time is up, it is up…"
Jackie…
hi Sheila
sad that your son feels its ok ask the cost of your property.
my mum over the last year or 2 as mentioned I dont know how
many times youll get a 3rd of everything when I go.ive told her that she should do things for herself maybe get a smaller property and use the funds to do what ever she wants ,as its not up to her to leave us anything.
if she passes before us and monies or what ever is left ok,but she shouldn’t be not doing and spending her money just so she can leave me anything.
I was a little peed off before my dad passed as when diagnosed with terminal lung cancer,i said they should do things and try make the last 6 months mean something.sadly against doctors orders he had chemo which prolonged his life but he was forever in and out of hospital with infections is quality of life was next to zero.sorry for going off topic really saying you cannot take possessions or money with you so use it to make memories now.sorry your son is seemingly obsessed with what you home is worth.
regards
ian