Hi jonathan i too have been let down badly by someone from this site but i don’t hold any grudges. She used to be there for me a lot but it got less and less as she was moving on with her life quicker than me. She wasn’t there for me at times when i desparately needed her. I too thought i could rely on her but it wasn’t to be. She said we would be friends forever but sadly not. Take care. Xx
Hi sheila many days go by sometimes before i hear a human voice. I also get very few text messages. In fact today i was so down i phoned the samaritans up and was on the phone to them for2 hours before she said i think we will stop for a break now, so even they get fed up with you. I can’t say i felt any better after talking to her. All any of them want to do is pass you on from pillar to post. Doctors or counsellors. So what do you do when your time is up with them. Janet xx
Hi pat My son that lives with me shocked me tonight. He apologised to me for saying a lot of really nasty things after i had asked him if he was ever going to pay me any money. He said i would get what he owed me in a couple of weeks and then that would be me and him finished. I said yes i’ve heard it all before. He also called me lazy even though i still work at 67 years old and walked the two and a half mile home the other night. It all started just before christmas when he let me down and we stopped talking. I have to say that i had offered him some spare food i had got and it took him a bottle of wine later before he apologised. He said he shouldn’t have said the things he did say. That he loved me and we hugged and he kissed the top of my head. I told him that i only asked him a question so there was no need to say all the hurtful things he said and i told him he drank to much and he agreed. I said i love you to and believe it or not your brother also, even though he doesn’t want anything else to do with me and all the horrible things hes said in the past. I fear that won’t be the end of it though. One of his favourite words is narcissist. I wasn’t sure of the true meaning of this word so i googled it and after reading about it i think he suffers from narcisstic personality disorder, which is a mental illness. Everything i read about it seems to fit in with his symptoms. It was interesting reading but something he won’t recognize as having. So it will just be a matter of time when this will all happen again. Take care. Janet xx
Sheila -Janet…
…same here, since i have heard a few home truths about my daughters drinking habits and her embarrassing moments, she will get no more money help from me, re: i never gave any money to her but i did pay a large amount of money ( Richards money ) straight to daughters housing association to pay the amount told over the phone by them in keeping the bailiffs away, this was just before Christmas, this is the only time, will be the last time, a once only financial help she will get from me, my Richards death money…Her son, my 31 year old grandson has also washed his hands of her now…Oh and my daughter is now 50…her drinking has been going on for a good 35 years or so, she is never going to stop no matter how convincing she may be, it will either kill her or she will land up in prison…She knows i want a mother-daughter bond with her, especially now she is all i have got…
Hi. Sheila. Is it that he doesn’t know what to say? I used to find it difficult to talk to a bereaved person. Not any more. There is no doubt that one has to experience this awful pain to really know and be able to empathise.
It may be he is feeling pain too and doesn’t want to talk about it.
Take care. Love. John XX
Hello @Jackie-Richard
Ditto. When someone hurts me I find it hard to let go and forget that pain. I then put up a wall for fear of being hurt again. I want to learn how to let go of that behaviour. I have become very good at not allowing toxic people into my life and letting go of those who become toxic and that includes relatives. Blood is not family. They are relatives. Family cares about each other through the high and lows and are there for you. I have friends who to me are family.
Hello @Lonely
I’m sure someone has suggested this before, but have you thought of writing to your sons to tell them how you feel? I didn’t always have a great relationship with my mum but I never forgot her birthday or didn’t get he a card or present. Modern life does get in the way of what is important and that is the connections we have with others. I used to expect my other half to justknow what it was I needed to feel loved and he is rubbish at taking hints. Now I just tell him. Some people just need it spelt out for them and people cant change if they aren’t aware of what you need or what they can do to make you feel better x
Dear Janet,
As an ex-Samaritan, I was Deputy Director for a few years, I have to say, that the volunteer who you spoke to was out of order when she said that to you. In all the years, I volunteered I never said that, just to make excuses for her, I suppose, maybe her mouth was dry and she needed a drink. Surely she wasn’t on her own, if not, then whoever who was on the same duty as she was she, should have made her a drink. I am truly sorry that this happened, you would be well within your rights to complain.
Love,
MaryL
Hi Everyone I certainly agree about having selfish kids. OK I had a text from my son and have been having them for a couple of months now but I am suspicious. Is he thinking about his inheritance so that he can waste it on wacky baccy and drink. I am hoping that he doesn’t smoke the rubbish now, perhaps he has had a change of heart. This is why I stopped seeing him. Wasting his money and then moaning about having non. If I tried to say anything and I must admit I can be a plain speaker and say what I think, I was always ‘having a go at him’, ‘moaning at him’ . You know the sort of thing, your in the wrong for the way they live the life THEY have made themselves. Well tough. I was left to manage on my own as a single parent when their father had a break down and walked out. I had no money and no job but he said I would find a way to manage, and I did and I didn’t resort to alcohol or waccy baccy. I haven’t heard from my daughter since March when she e-mailed me to send her some money to Spain where she has moved to. Since then, nothing. Your right they just think they can ask and someone else will provide for them. No matter how tough my life became I NEVER went to anyone and asked for a penny. I worked hard for everything I’ve got and I have no intention of giving them another penny.
Take care everyone
Pat xx
Hi Jackie, It seems to be a bitter sweet re-union that you and your daughter are having. My daughter is money mad and spends it as soon as she get’s it in her pocket. I must admit she was supportive when Brian died for a month or so but then cleared off back to Spain as she couldn’t afford to stay in this country (high rents, deposits etc) she had spent all the money she got from selling her house here. Kept nothing back for an emergency, how stupid. I bailed her out a couple of months later but since then I have heard nothing.
I was wondering if you have a relationship with your grandson as my grandson has been wonderful and he and his wife very supportive although they do have their own life with work and children so I don’t put pressure on them to visit and always try to be good company when with them so that they enjoy coming to see me. Do you keep in touch with your grandson who might be more helpful to you than your daughter. You are trying hard with her and I wish you luck but sometimes I wonder why we ever bothered to have kids, why didn’t I keep to dogs, they never let you down…
Love Pat xxxx
Hi Janet, I am so sorry you are having such a bad time with your son’s, you can well do without all this, non of us want the extra stress of our selfish kids. I have also told my son that he drinks too much, smokes too much but it falls on deaf ears. We are the ones in the wrong!!! or so they think it’s never them and the way they choose to lead their lives. A few years ago my son asked me for money, I agreed to help him but then he kept bombarding me with telephone calls and demanding that I take the money to him immediately. I don’t suppose it entered his head to come to me to collect it. Anyway it ended up with us having a row and of course he blamed me for his messed up life (at that time) not sure how he worked that one out we don’t even live that near to each other and I wasn’t aware that I forced him to the pub every night or put that waccy baccy in his hand. It upset me that he would talk to me like this as we had always been very close. I don’t suppose the drink and rugs helped though. He knew how I disliked his lifestyle, I was a drugs counsellor at the time. We can only do our best Janet and as far as I’m concerned if my children don’t like it then hard luck. You take care of number one and don’t rely on your son’s. This might make them think and come running if their Mum is no longer there for them and leading her own life.
Good luck
Pat
I am so sorry to read these sad posts.
MaryL
Hi sheila sorry to hear you are still waiting for hospital results. It must be stresful for you. Yes it would be so nice to have proper conversations with people who actually care and are interested, but to be honest the family haven’t been interested for many years about the wonderful holidays alan and i would have in italy and travelling all over uk in our motorhome. The only person who would show any real interest would be my sister who i know longer see as she is an alcoholic in a big way. You see we didn’t have friends as that was the way we wanted it as we had each other. When i’m at work we don’t get much time for talking as its a busy hospital kitchen. Having said that today was the slackest day i have known for years so i did do a bit of talking. But alas tomorrow my boss wants me to use one of my days holidays i have left so i won’t be in. I said why do i need holidays when i only work 3 days anyway. He said i have never found it so difficult to get someone to use up their holidays. I certainly don’t need slimming world i think i have lost even more weight. Can tell by my 16s jeans. I feel like coco the clown. I found a belt of alans which i wear and wasn’t too bad to start with but it isn’t doing much now. I went down to a 12 but i have only bought myself 1 pair of pants and still wear my big clothes. Probably for not much longer. I had a panini before i went to work today and it must have taken me nearly an hour to eat just over half. I was slowly forcing it down as i knew i had to eat something before work. I just wasn’t hungry with my nerves going round in my stomach which happens most mornings now. I have to say i have never been big on talking i left that to alan, but when we find ourselves in the situation we are in you need that someone to talk to and take an interest in what you say. Somedays i feel i am going mad with just my thoughts. Hope you have felt better today. Yes my eldest son has always thought that the world owes him a living but my middle son was never like he is now. He was the first one to move out when he was about 17 and used to see him at least once a week for the first 10 years when he lived locally. His relationship broke down and he moved away. Haven’t seen him half as much since and normally it was us doing the running. He’s had another 2 or 3 relationships since but the life style he chose after moving from here wasn’t good and i am convinced he has narcissitic personality disorder. It does hurt when they say hurtful things and that is contributing to my anxiousness. If i wasn’t grieving for alan then it would be like water off a ducks back. My eldest son ignores me as that was what he wanted but i don’t feel as stressed with that as i know where i stand. I feel sad about it quite a lot. Another thing i found out today was alans daughter wanted to know why i had sent her a cheque for £25 for christmas. She is having physchriatic treatment as she had nothing ti do with her dad for years although he sent her birthday presents and christmas presents. Because i sent cheques to his son and grandchildren i didn’t want to leave her out because alan wouldn’t have wanted me to. Her argument over the years was with me and she had plenty of opportunity to visit her dad when i was at work but she didn’t. Also she never went to see him in hospital. So now its obviously affecting her mental health. No if ever i came back on this earth i would NEVER have children again. Take care. Janet xxx
Hi @Lonely Sheila,
Losing someone so dear must have been so hard My mum passed on the 20th Dec but I already feel it has changed me somewhat. Its certainly true that you find out who your real friends are when you go through a bereavement. Let’s just say that there are some people who wont be on my Christmas Card list next year! I’m glad to hear that you do have friends. I would give anything to have more time with my mum. I feel sad that your sons are not there for you more x
Dear doll and sheila i have 3 sons and only got presents and a card off one. I should have been spending christmas with 2 sons at my youngest sons house but that was all ruined by my middle son. We were all supposed to muck in with the cooking but i did it and i let my son do the washing up. It completely ruined christmas as i was trying my hardest to make it nice for us. My youngest sons comments were i will spend it on my own next time, so i just agreed with him. If i am still working in december i shall be at work anyway as it falls on my working days. I don’t think there’s any excuse for not getting a nice card for your mother. Yes selfish they certainly are and if peter hadn’t been taken from you, you wouldn’t have changed anyway. I’m sure he would still love you very much even if he didn’t quite recognize you. Love janet x
Hi pat. Although a lot of my family resorted to drinking, smoking and some of them drug taking, its a road i didn’t go down. Thank goodness when i see what its done to their lives. That is another thing i find hard to digest. Why my hard working alan, who didn’t retire until he was 72 was taken from me while all the others who badly abuse their lives are still here. It doesn’t seem fair. I too might as well have been on my own when i had my first partner and 2 young children. All he wanted to do was be in the pub after work gambling and drinking, oh and smoking. Many nights he didn’t come home and stayed at his mothers which actually in the end was a godsend as he treated me and the children so bad. I hardly got any money from him so had to use my family benefit so we lived on very little. I remember that first christmas in that bedsit and when i see the few photos i have of it a great sadness comes over me. My mum used to make my christmas magical but i hardly had any money so could only buy them an odd present each. My youngest son moans because i wasn’t there for the birth of his eldest child. If only he realised what i and my 2 elder children endured for 7 years from my first partner. That was something to moan about. My eldest son gave loan sharks our house telephone number so they would phone us but ask for him by name. Alan got fed up with them ringing and told them he used to be in the police force and was going to take action if they rang again. Alan was a big worrier unlike myself. Its catching up with me now though. It is most upsetting the way they speak to you at times, which in a way makes it easier that my eldest son no longer wants anything to do with me. Its definitely the drink and drugs thats got to them. I have always been a very quiet and shy person but would never resort to doing anything like that. I like to be in control of my own actions. My eldest son also has always had a chip on his shoulder as did my middle brother, so combined with his bad habits doesn’t make for a very nice person. Thank you pat for your words of wisdom and kindness. Janet xxx
Dear mary the samaritan i spoke to sounded very nice but i must admit i was shocked when she said it would be a good time to take a break, followed by but if you ever need us we are hear 24/7. Well yes i need you now. I thought that was a bit strange to say that. She sounded very much like my counsellor and i told her so. I asked if her name was sharon but she just laughed and said no. I also have my 6th and final counselling session next week unfortunately. You don’t need to apologise for what someone else did and i won’t be putting a complaint in. After all on the whole they do a good job. It just took me a long time to pluck up the courage to phone them. Love janet xxx
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Janet…
…my life too has not been easy, my past, and now maybe my future if it stays the way it is and doesn’t change for the better…yes my best part of my life was the day i moved into our forever home with my Richard 18 years ago to the day we stepped out to drive 150 miles away to here three plus years ago…
The only advise i can give to you that i will do my utmost best in following my own advise is to distance yourself from these so called people that have distanced themselves from us, as my late father often would have said…" what goes around, comes around…" how true…and i will do my utmost in associating myself only with the people i want to associate myself with once i am in that position to do so… to take hold of my situation and to be back in control…I know not easy when we have to place ourselves in the hand of official whilst they take it board that we follow their orders in form fillings and photo coppying’s of things that are personal to us that we would rather not be doing and have no idea as to even why we are doing it, just this we are being told this is what we needed to do, or this is what they are needing, Oh how i hate people being in control of me, taking over control of my life, I just cant wait until i am back in position to take back m control, be my own person again, just like i used to be…
Janet, you too can do it…I know it is hard when it is family, easy when strangers or so called friends…I too am facing a nightmare with my 50 year old daughter, her drinking problem, i am hearing a few home truths from her son, the embarrassment, the thieving, my grand son who has now washed his hands of her…
there are no books as to how to be a mother…
Jackie…
Hi. All.
Oh My Goodness. What sad Posts. My thoughts and prayers go out to you all. You must never feel guilty about anything. Relationships, especially in families, can be bad, as you have all found. Bereavement can so often bring out the bad in people. Emotions run riot and we often say and do things we would never have normally done. The same applies to relatives and so called ‘friends’. I am not making excuses for bad behaviour, but we don’t know what demons are in other’s minds.
Jackie is so right, we do have to learn the art of survival. It is an art and often takes some learning, but we are still here and need to survive, not just for ourselves but others who may need help. Grief is a darned hard task master. It can make us bitter and frightened or more loving and caring. There are many examples of kindness and love, as there are in hate and resentment. Some of us who think love of such importance, find it so hard to believe some people behave the way they do.
And Jackie is right again. There are no books that can ever describe relationships. Oh yes, thousands of books have been written on the subject, but none can ever enter into it in the same way as the one suffering. We can talk to each other here and make suggestions which may help. It’s a good outlet for emotions. I could say ‘take it as it comes’. ‘Be kind to yourselves’. ‘Take it a day at a time’. But I am not in your situation. Only you have the means to accept what happens and go on as best you can. Magic wands are in short supply!! I have heard the expression ‘Oh yes, I will change, honest I will’ so often, and mostly it comes to nothing. Changing ones attitude and temperament is very difficult.
I wish everyone the love they deserve. We suffer and learn. We have to find who we want in our lives and who to discard. This is not being harsh but sensible. In our present state none of us can afford hassle of any sort, especially the emotional kind! Blessings and love to all.
Jonathan…" Jackie is right " mentioned twice in one post…I can just see my Richards face, his expression…yes Richard, you see, i do get some things right…