Yes Pat. I have heard this from many women. Ignorance may have been bliss but it could cause problems. It’s good youngsters now know more, but it’s gone way over the top, at least I think so.
Us guys usually have no problems with this. I worked in the building trade when I left school and there was not much I didn’t know about everything within a very short time. 
Parents had, and still seem to have, a reluctance to talk about such things. It’s like bereavement. Death was hardly ever discussed in our household. People passed but it was just accepted it happened. When my parents died it was brought home to me the sadness of what had happened. Death became real. Although it was not as bad as my recent loss.
We live and learn they say and we sure do. Love and a hug. xx John.
I would really like to learn how to let go of anger and resentment and give forgiveness. Even if just in my own mind. My abusive father, who I disowned four years ago, recently told my sister via a text message that she isnt his daughter. This was three weeks after our mum died. This was in retaliation to my sister requesting he stay away from mums funeral and telling my dad that she was angry at how manipulative and cruel he was to turn her against our mum when she left us (he was abusive to my mum and she walked out on us all when I was 13 years old and she was 6 - mums wishes were for him not to be told about her illness or death but my brother told my dad anyway and he said he wanted to be at her funeral) so my dad said this out of spite. He is a cruel manipulator and abuser What a guy eh!!! My sister responded with kindness and he later said he couldn’t be 100% sure but was something he suspected. I can never forgive my father for the pain and misery he bestowed on our family. Does he even deserve it, even if just in my own mind? Will it really make me feel better? Or my sister?
Hi. Doll. Yes, I believe it would, but it has to be total forgiveness. You don’t have to associate with him. In fact I suggest it would be harmful for you to do so. You know, love and forgiveness have nothing to do with relationships or individuals. They are both universal emotions. Yes, relationships are affected by what we call love and forgiveness, but are they unconditional? By that I mean it’s not ‘I love you, but’, or ‘I forgive you, but’. There must be no conditions attached.
Your father certainly sounds a very intolerant and abusive man. Association with such people can only drag you down. But so can holding resentment and anger. They inflict on you their own feelings if you allow it. IF YOU ALLOW IT!! It’s your choice. You have free will; exercise it. I would suggest forgive and forget might be good in the circumstances.
It’s not a question of whether he deserves it. We all would be guilty if that were the case. I’m not proud of many things I have done, but in recent years I have sought forgiveness and it’s always been forthcoming.
I refuse to allow the added burden of hate and resentment to rule my life, I have enough to deal with without that. Blessings.
I didn’t mean forgive and forget and try to make amends. I think it’s gone past that. I meant forgive him then forget him. Now that’s hard I know, but let him make any advances. After all, it’s not you or your sister that’s caused the problem.
I do understand your viewpoint. I used to practice mindfulness but for some reason I cannot get a handle on, I just dont feel ready to get back into it. It’s almost as if I want to hold onto that anger and resentment. And I cant explain it. I think its driven by the loss of my mother. I’m hoping that the counselling I’ve just started will help me with my confused emotions. I know that its thoughts that control emotions too and as a person that suffers extreme anxiety, that is also something I really need to work on too. Thanks for your kind words
I’ve mentioned this before but, if you forgive someone and then push that person out of your life, is that really forgiveness? I don’t think it is. I’m afraid some people go beyond forgiveness, they simply are not worthy of it. Too much damage has been done. Rid yourself of those who are a blight on your life. Block their mobile number etc. It may sound harsh but just do it. Your life will be all the better for the decluttering of those who no longer enhance it. Doll, hopefully you will find that once you have eradicated this man, your anger will diminish.
I’m sorry for the loss of your mum, Doll, I really am. Mums are such special people. Hold on to her love and she will help you survive this difficult time.
Sending love xx
I too have a lot of anger, resentment, bitterness and never forget things in the past but i now know that these are the things that will kill me…they only fester and get worse…When, and only when i find myself in a better situation, will i distance myself from the people who are not worthy of having me, accepting me into their life…Nothing infuriates one more than when you ignore them and dont play into their hands…I know easier said that done but i just keep telling myself i am a far better person than they will ever be…
I have never been one to hold a grudge, but since my Stan died, I have a grudge against my sister and ex sister-in-law. I have written a post about it somewhere on this forum.
Mary…
… i haven’t seen your " grudge" posting, not sure where to look for it now this new forum lay-out is so complicated…
Last sentence, hear hear, Sheila. Well said.
I hope your chest infection clears soon and you’re feeling much better. You see Sheila, we on here do care about you, unconditionally. Take care xxx
Sheila and All…
…if there is one lesson i have learnt over my 68 years is, if we want to survive is to " look after number one…" because at the end of the day…" no one else will…"
Now i am not about to go into details but i know what to do and what to say to survive, to stop myself from any further harm and, or being killed… all in my past i should be happy to say…my teens and my 20’s… Call it " the art of survival…"
Jackie…
Thank you @Crazy_Kate I hear what you say. I stopped all contact with my dad back in 2015 and he has left me alone since. But he still contacts my brother and sister so I hear things from them and telling my sister that she isnt his after we’ve lost our mother and she cannot defend herself is dispicable and still harmful to me and those I love. I’m a sensitive person but had no qualms cutting dad out of my life. I just wish my brother and sister would block him.
Hi Sheila.
Of course this does beg the question. What are we all doing here? Looking after number one? You post often and your posts are much appreciated by me and I am sure by others. So you ARE looking after others which means it’s not just number one. You are so right about being indifferent to illness. I have had health ups and downs since my wife died, but they don’t bother me half as much as they used to. I suppose it’s one good thing that’s come out of this pain.
I don’t hold grudges. In fact what others think feel or do is a matter of indifference to me, except when it’s genuine concern as on this site. I have had my share of platitudes and so called sympathy. But I have also found many who know and those I do want to talk to and be with.
Helping each other with compassion is so important. You know when it’s genuine or not. I have recently been let down by someone I thought I could rely on. Do I hold a grudge? No way. They did what they thought right and I attach no blame. We all do what we think right according to our own standards and beliefs. In looking after number one we have to be careful we don’t become isolated and more alone than before.
Take care Sheila. XX
We do indeed, care about you, Sheila.:100%.
I am feeling a bit guilty now, but I just cannot forgive my sister and ex-sister-in-law for the way that they ignored Stan’s death and previous illness. He did pass away quite suddenly, I have always been there to give my family, in Shropshire and Buckinghamshire, my full support. I cannot bring myself to contact them at all. It is quite foreign to my nature but it is what it is. x
Nevertheless, Sheila,
I hope that all is well for you.
x x x x
Hi Sheila, I feel that most of us have been forced into looking after number one. Like you some family members and friends have simply forgot I exist and it hurts. I hope to have that peace that you have found one day so I simply won’t care. I also believe that what goes around comes around and my belief is that some of what I am experiencing now is because I wasn’t much support to family members and a friend who lost her son. I didn’t know the true meaning of this heartbreak is my excuse and now feel I was selfish so perhaps I deserve the treatment I am now receiving from Brian’s family and our fairweather ‘friends’. However today a young lady stopped and asked me how I was getting on. I have no idea who she was and can only think that she’s a neighbour as she seemed to know me. Her concern was very genuine. As we parted another lady spoke to me, also asking how I was, so there are some kind people out there if not the people we expect to care. And this evening I have had a text from my son, telling me he is thinking of me and loves me, this is after a few years of no contact. But why won’t he just give me a call and have a conversation and stop this texting. I hate text and why doesn’t he visit me, he’s only half an hours drive away. Still it’s a start…
Pat xxx
Pat…
… you are right, " at least it is a start…" as my late father would have said…" it is better than a kick up the backside…"
I like your father’s saying, Jackie 
Mary…
… well actually my father used a different word…one that just has four letters in it…
That is funny, Jackie. 