7 months ago, Penny died and my grieving started. As you all know it starts with the most horrendous feelings of every emotion possible. We don’t know where to turn, what to do , regrets, anger.
In my previous posts I’ve mentioned that I soon started to decide what my new life will be like. Still lots of heartbreak and tears.
Over the months my new life has taken shape, and I really like it. Not as much as I did when I shared it with Penny, of course. As this progressed my grieving reduced, but it was still with me.
A couple of weeks ago, I wondered if my grieving had ended, or if it ever does?
I gave myself a good talking to, and decided I have a choice, grieve for ever, or end the grieving. I chose the latter! So I woke up the next morning and said out loud to myself (and my dogs), " I’m done with it, I’m not going to chuck the rest of my life away". I’m 74, so I really should make the best of what’s left to me.
Penny and my friends would never want or expect it of me.
I reminded myself of the true saying, “The length and depth of my grieving is no measure of how much I loved her”
I can still have the odd memory, and a sad spell, but I’m determined it just will not be a life sentence. My life is worth more than that, and it’s the only one I’ll have!!
Hi Tykey I was interested to read your post.I lost my hubby 11 years ago and my son only child was so loving and supportive we were able to help each whilst grieving.March this year my wonderful loving caring son died.I haven’t even got the words to Sat how heartbroken I am.I know without a doubt that my two men would certainly not want me to mourn the rest of my life.I do get out and about however my head is always full of my men.There have been a couple of days whereby I say to myself ok you can’t bring them back we all loved each try to make the most of your life.Sadly this determination only lasts a few hours then the grief overwhelms me again.I want to hold my husband and my son to the point where my whole body aches with pain.Maybe one day that feeling of determination will gradually last more than a few hours.My very best wishes to you I am sure Penny would be very proud of you.Love Marg
Hi Marg, really sorry to hear that you have a second reason to grieve, that’s not easy!
Continually dragging up thoughts from our past was something I was very good (bad?) at doing. When we’ve dragged the thoughts up and keep chewing on them, they then become part of our future, and hence they never go away. That’s why any improvement is only temporary, because it’s not resolved, just glossed over… I had a course of hypnotherapy, which was brilliant at stopping my brain beating me up in this way. It doesn’t make us forget, it just made it the normal state of affairs for my brain to recognize these nasty thoughts very quickly and send them back whence they came, where they are resolved during our sleep (ie REM sleep and dreaming) . It was a major step forward for me.
I’d recommend it to you. There is an official article on this site which explains it a bit better than I can, but I find navigating this site difficult, and can’t find it. Maybe one of our moderators might know where it is. I can send you more details of my therapy if you wish me to.
HI Tykey alot of what you say does of course make sense.I can’t imagine me trying hypnotherapy but I will see how I go on and may think about it I the future.
Marg
Don’t imagine hypnotherapy is like those hypnotist acts you see on stage. Nothing at all like it, they don’t ask to you pretend you are a chicken laying an egg, you just get very relaxed, but are aware all the time.
It’s 13 moths since my Karen died. About a month ago I met the widow of an old friend who told me she was in a relationship’life goes on doesn’t it’ she said, I was quite shocked. However I’m starting to think she’s right I’m 65 and Karen told me she wanted me to do what makes me happy. I still don’t know what that is yet but I’m going to try.
Thanks for your comments it made me feel better.
I too think that getting to grips with your own thoughts so that you control them rather than have them control you is helpful in managing to negotiate the rapids and stop the floodgates from opening fully - though it is easier said than done and as with many things in life, timing is everything.
Adjusting to our new life and way of living does take time and many people can manage the adjustment alone while other people need some help from others to achieve this. Half the battle is knowing which camp you are in and recognising that you need to seek help to assist in making the adjustments.
It does help, of course, if you are fortunate enough to have been blessed with robust mental health.
Everyone’s circumstances are different so what works for one person won’t necessarily be of use to someone else but, good for you @tykey.
We all deserve some peace in life and a bit (or lot) of happiness is always welcome - I hope you enjoy yours.
xxx
Hi Tykey I like your thinking and thankyou for posting your positive reaction to grief. Perhaps it will help some membes who are struggling. However after only seven months I am wondering how you will manage this as it seems terribly early to be able to maintain such positivity. Reading what you have to say I am wondering if I am of the similar mindset to yourself though.
Did I want to sit at home all day drinking alcohol and smoking…NO (I don’t drink or smoke anyway)
Did I want to take possible addictive medication… Certainly not.
Did I want to continually feel sorry for myself…NO
Have I ever wished my life would come to an end…Never.
And although my life has changed to a certain extent I work hard at being involved with interests and friends and keep my days full.
I have learnt to steer my brain to other thoughts if I am having a bad day.
Do I still have miserable days with tears and depression…Of course but I don’t let it control me. We are responsible for our own future.
I don’t think my grief will ever come to an end but I do think that life is a precious gift no matter what is thrown at us. So you have given me food for thought…
Pat
What a lovely uplifting post.
I am too trying to build a new life and it is starting to happen slowly. I am getting out a bit more and making new friends.
My husband died 14 months ago of cancer. He left me a letter saying he wanted me to get on with my life so I am trying my best for him. Thinking of his letter does drive me on.
I am 61 so hopefully have a bit of living to do and I agree with you we can’t spend the rest of our lives in the depths of grief.
It is so hard sometimes though.
Xx
Yes @Barbara61, it isn’t easy, but well done for having a positive attitude. One other thing I found helpful is that I wrote down how I wanted my new life to be, and just went for it! Doing things differently is very helpful, often not doing things other people helpfully advise, but doing what suits me.
But press on with it, it can only get better.
Good luck.
Hi Tykey just catching up on yours and others feedback and I really do have admiration for everybody looking to the next stage in their lives.When my husband died nearly 12 years ago I did get to the point with my sons help to try start my life again joined clubs been on lots of min breaks shows etc so that was great.
But now after my sons death I do feel quite different .He should never have gone before me but I can still here him encouraging me to get out and about which I am doing.But whatever I am doing my sadness overwhelms me I miss his love so much which leads me onto missing his dad’s love and really I want to be back home.I do hope at some point I will be able to be more positive but just not happening at the moment.Best wishes to all xx
I personally, don’t view wanting to be at home as a negative thing @Marg1 - in fact, I’d say it’s the opposite.
I too feel more “at peace” at home so it has to be something very special to get me out and joining in - I was never really a “join in” sort of a gal pre-bereavement so I can’t see that changing anytime soon.
To lose your only child after the loss of your husband is truly a very cruel blow indeed. No wonder your sadness feels overwhelming at times.
Sending a virtual hug your way.
xxx
Hi Wingingit thanks for your chat.I have in fact always been one to join in organise etc so to feel I want to be at home is not really me.But I am not that person anymore and do feel I can be myself cry etc without other people worrying about me and of course be nearer to my boys.Hugs back to you too for you in your loss xxxx
That’s a great post Pat and I agree with every single word. Grief is here to stay and it becomes a part of our lives and who we are. My grief is my man so why would I want to get rid of it? I wouldn’t and couldn’t. But that doesn’t mean I can’t enjoy life. As you rightly say Pat, life is a precious gift. xx
Hi Tyki
I enjoyed reading your blog, It’s been almost a year that I lost my partner on 18th December, I have been just pretending he is still here, talk to him every day, telling him what I’m doing, where I’m going, I started a diary from the day he died, and on the anniversary I will go back and read it, to see how far I’ve come. What I do is if I have had a nice time, it might only be an hour, or a couple of hours, doing something, I go over the top to say how I appreciated that. I threw myself into finding all the things I like, all the other times are thinking times. I’ve even had a lots of laughter so that that’s an improvement. I’m 80 years young but I Don’t feel that.
I play my keyboard sometimes all afternoon, reminiscing all our old songs. I go to a dance class for the over 60,s and last week we did the routine to Greece half the class was Sandy, the other half was John Travolter I was in Sandies group, I loved every minute of it, all my sadness was somewhere else. A very good day. I do manage to go to things on my own, and I wish John was with me, But I went to see a Mail voice choir The other evening, the best night of the week is a Tuneless Choir I belong to, it doesn’t matter if you can’t sing, they are a group all over the country, look on line.
Find all the things you are interested in, you sound as though you are moving forward, to the new life. Good luck, let me know how you get on.
Lovelylady
Hi Tykey,
So you have got rid of grief? Lucky you. If only it were that simple!
My husband died well over 2 years ago and, in spite of the fact I have done my best not to be a slave to my grief, there is no way I can just get rid of it. The grief will be with me for ever and I have absolutely no control over it. How can you control feelings? How on earth can you refuse to grieve? Every time I lay only one place at the table, sign only omy name on a card, see things he made for me around the house, etc., I grieve. Every time I take a breath, I grieve! I am proud of the life we had together. He left me with some wonderful memories which are a comfort to me. That said, I am not wrapped up in those memories to the extent they govern my life, but they seem to know when I need them, and then they pop up. To anyone else, I look fine, happy and in control, and that’s how I want to look. I am getting on with my life as best I can - we discussed this a long time before he became ill and we knew that the love we felt was strong enough to support the one who would almost inevitably be left here alone.
For the sake of my family, who are wonderful, I put on a brave face, join in with outings, meals etc., and carry on as best as I can.
As for refusing to grieve any more, sorry, I have no control over that.
I am glad you have managed a new life. I think (hope) I give others that impression but inside, I feel like I am just half of what I used to be.
What is my lifebelt when I feel like I’m drowning? The fact that, unlike many, I was lucky enough to have him for 57 years and for that, I am so thankful!
Pattidot, that reply was so ‘you’! You and I are often on the same wavelength and I feel everything you described here.
Wishing you peace and enjoyment. We were so lucky!
Hugs, Ann