Right!! It's time for me to end my grieving.

Hi AnnR just read your blog and it’s me you are describing.Grief can’t be controlled it overcomes you more often than not.I am a widow 11 years but also lost my loving only son in March.Sometimes my stomach turns and I think Oh my God Mark has died.I can’t believe it! So yes I do try I go out mix meals etc but I think my grief is here till the day I die.Love to you and all those grieving x

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100% agree with your thinking Ann. I think time doesn’t exactly heal us but it teaches us how to manage that terrible grief monster. We learn to adapt and cope with the life we now have. The memories that crippled us in the early days do begin to give us comfort.
I have certainly changed but to the outside world I keep going and do lead a full life.
I try to be greatful for the things I have and not what I have lost.
As Kate so rightly says our grief is our husband/wife so why would we want it to stop. They are forever in our hearts so never far away.
Pat
xx

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Hi Kate
I don’t think I will ever be able to switch off my own grief and do agree that our grief become a part of us. We learn to control it and not let it stop us from still having a life. Perhaps time has helped us. We haven’t healed but we are more in control.
Pat
xxx

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Turkey, it’s good to hear you feel good now after the death of your wife 7 months ago.
It made me uncomfortable reading some of your comment though, it seems to me lean towards ‘blaming’ people for their own pain in saying ‘I gave myself a good talking to, grieve forever, or end the grief. And decided to end the grief’. I’m not sure it’s helpful for a lot of people in the midst of the pain of grief to suggest all they have to do is pull them selves together, get a grip, have a word with themselves- all those dismissive cliches a lot of people in the pain of grief hear from well meaning people. It’s not as simple as that I, as it isn’t with depression, that you refer to, and often people with depression- either due to bereavement or a clinical depressive illness- will need some kind of professional intervention to aid recovery just like with physical illness and that doesn’t mean they are weak willed for not being able to just give themselves a good talking to.
The pain of grief can be horrendous as you say and you sadly know, but still feeling grief after 7 months or 2, 3 years does not a life sentence make.

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Sorry tykey not turkey and your post didn’t mention depression that was in a post further on in response to yours.

Bluebell 1.Well said if only it was so easy.Grief can’t be turned on and off…xxxx

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I dont think I ever said it was easy to stop grieving, but that’s no reason to avoid trying ! It took a lot of mental therapy for me to learn how to do it! Neither did I give any impression that I blame anybody.

It was a personal comment on what I did personally, and something I was personally capable of. If it helps one person, I’m very happy. If anyone wishes to stay with their grief for ever, then that’s their prerogative.

Also, it was asked how it could ever be possible to shut off emotions. So, to be clear on this point, I don’t turn off my emotions. Following extensive hypnotherapy (due to me suffering at that time from PTSD) I learnt that emotions are only caused by our thoughts. So I was taught to control my thoughts, and hence the emotions. This training is also hugely relevant to bereavement. I only control my negative thoughts and the bad emotions go with them. But I still remember the lovely thoughts of my wife, so then I can smile and remember the good times and not the bad. I have MOST CERTAINLY NOT banished all memories of her, I smile and think of the many great times we had, and there were many!!! Isnt that how we want it to be?

I’d spent 7 months grieving, and it had steadily reduced, I’d completed many actions to achieve this,
(and I’ve posted earlier what these were) . This was the final step in ending it, I wasnt looking forward to grieving until I join her, that isnt in my DNA.

I see some people are finding it helpful, and I’m happy with that. I’ve always used this forum, (with many positive comments) as somewhere we can encourage each other to overcome grief, and thats what I’ve always done.

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Tykey,
When I first read your post, yesterday, I knew that something didn’t sit right with me and today I have realised what it is.
It is that after only seven months, you have been able to control the grief. Seven months??? After seven months, I was still trying to remember to eat, sleep and clean my teeth and certainly was in no fit state to dispatch grief with the same gay abandon you seem to have done.
I am now into the 29th month since Tony died and on the surface, after that much time, I seem ok to others, but that’s for their sakes, not mine. I am not, and never will be, the person I was before, even though my life seems much the same to others.
I am a positive and determined person normally, and that has helped but I can’t dismiss all the wonderful memories I have. I have a good life and have built on that, but no way could I do what you have done, and it seems rather unsettling to me that you are able to do so, and quite easily, it would appear.
You also said that the ‘ Odd memory’ comes along which you have to deal with. The ODD memory? Is that all? After all this time, Tony is the first person on my mind each morning and the last at night, not to mention in between. I am not obsessed, I carry on with my life, which I enjoy, and I have a great family and friends but Tony was my life, and living without him is hell.
How can you dismiss the grief after such a short time? Is it different because men’s thought processes are different from women’s? Whatever the reason, I know I could never have done that.
Each to his own I suppose but your post did sadden me and I wonder what your wife would have made of all this.

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Thank you to both Bluebell1 & AnnR for your replies to Tykeys post.
I read this & was terribly upset by it & also felt guilty that others seemed to think the comments were positive but I found them offensive.
I’m coming up to the second anniversary of losing my beloved husband so maybe am extra sensitive but your post made me feel guilt that I still struggle daily with my grief & the physical pain of it all.
Yes on the surface my life goes on, I work , am blessed with lovely friends but inside I am hurting & lonely & often despairing. Being judged for this isn’t helpful at all & I can only say that I have found the second year even harder than the first. I really hope that doesn’t happen to you Tykey.

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I think I understand what you are saying @tykey.

Like many of us I’m sure, I’ve done a lot of reading around this topic since my own bereavement earlier this year and one thing that I read was that often when we talk about grief, the focus is on the emotional response to loss, but that grief also has physical, cognitive,behavioural, social, cultural, spiritual and philosophical dimensions.

If we accept that to be the case, is it any wonder that everyone grieves in very different and individual ways?

The Hospice Foundation of America says:

“Each persons grief is both personal and unique.
Grief can be a highly emotional experience…others may grieve with less intense emotion.
Different ways or patterns of grief are just that; they are different.
No pattern is better or worse, they are simply expressions that each person copes with loss in a personal way.
Differences in grieving styles are simply that; they do not represent differences in the depth of love for the person who has died
Different grieving styles do not need to be a source of conflict.”

I read your post @tykey, in the spirit in which I think it was intended ie. “This is what I did and it helped me”
and not, “Listen up everybody. Do what I did and you’ll be OK and if you can’t do this, well it’s your own fault” .

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I saw this on another post and think it’s quite apt

Much love to everyone on this horrible journey

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Timbo that’s great.I am having really bad morning missing my son so much can’t stop crying
It was nice to read that poem.
Love Marg

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Timbo how lovely thank you for sharing this , so thoughtful & true.
And Marg1 sorry it’s such a bad day for you. I try to visualise everyone I love combining their hugs into one giant blanket hug & then feel it wrapping around me & holding me. Bit bonkers maybe but helps me feel comfort. Hope it might ease your day but remember all your friends are on here to talk with who can understand. Sending love.

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Thank you Sadanna for that lovely chat.I did buck up slightly later in the day because my brother and his wife visited with their twin grandchildren 18 months old so that was nice.On my own again now but will feel your blanket of hugs all around me what a lovely thought.Thank you so much.May have a little pink gin later just the one ! Xxxxx

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Marg1. Cheers !!
Keep posting. Little steps . X

Cheers to you too xxxx

What we all have to remember is everyone’s grief is different and there is no right or wrong. Just do what you have to do to get through the days. The important thing is to do what works for you
Xx

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also keep in mind, it is so hard to be sad, depressed, lonely and mourning … it is hard work and suffering endless melancholia is also a hard way to live. if you can take breaks from it, life will be more pleasant and easier.

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You are so right berit it is so tiring and exhausting.Some days I feel as though I have just run the marathon.The pain of grief is both physical and emotional.I am still in bed now at 10.30.!I should get up.
Take care xxx

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Tykeys post expressed how he is dealing with things in his way.

Who are we to judge?
He isn’t judging anyone nor saying this is what to do. We all have to find our own way thru this -

G. X

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