Right!! It's time for me to end my grieving.

Coping with bereavement
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Hi
A year is not long. I think generally after about two years the grief eases in some ways, you adapt more and are able to function more and think more clearly again about doing things. But you certainly do not ‘move on’ - I dislike that brutal phrase so much. It is only ignorant people who say that.

Those whose soul-mate has died know that the pain will not disappear and that grief just changes in character. We have to go on living until our own time is ended. Love never dies and we will see our darling again one day.

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Hi Rachael
I do hope I see Paul again he was my everything
I am nothing without him…… honestly
Xx

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I’ve been asked by a friend on here to update how I’m doing.

I’m pleased to let you know that I’m doing very well. If my approach is not for you, then that’s your prerogative.

Things continue to improve. I still think regularly of Penny and very often talk to her, but I nearly always smile and chuckle, telling her about my life. I’m sure she smiles back, especially when I tell her the mischief her little dogs have been up to. I’m happy with her memory, I wish she was here, but she isnt.

I continue to change my future, I always talk to her about these changes.

Among these changes are:

Additional friends, some female (but 100% platonic). It’s nice to talk about something other than cars and football!
I’ve booked holidays and adventures this year. So far, I’m going to fly a spitfire and have a dog fight with my mate (Simulated of course). A week’s holiday in a shepherds hut on a farm in Wales. Narrowboating on the leeds/Liverpool canal and a motorhome holiday in Yorkshire.
I’m currently rebuilding the garden, I couldnt do gardening as she could!

I’ve continued to concentrate on a couple of tenets to help me live my life.

  1. The length and depth of grieving in no way is a measure of how much we love them. Grieving is something we go through, it’s not a life sentence of misery. There is an end to it, if we try to achieve it. Queen Victoria would have done well to realise this as she wasted the last 30 years of her life grieving over Albert.

  2. Emotions such as grief and despair don’t come out of thin air, they are ALWAYS born out of the thoughts we have. Ive mentioned before that hypnotherapy has been fantastic for me in that I’m able to identify negative thoughts and reject them, but let the happy memories through (of which there are thousands). It’s amazed me in the past that when negative thoughts I had at 3am are examined in the cold light of day, they weren’t correct.

I’ve actually learnt something new, prompted by my best pal. When I’m out walking the doggies, I often talk to Penny. I imagine she’s walking with me. I stick out my hand, and it seems she takes hold of it. My hand goes warm as does my cheek on that side. Silly, I know, but it’s nice!!!

Finally, let me reiterate that this is the way I PERSONALLY have travelled through my grief. Take from it anything you like. I’m happy where I am, I’m not asking for approval, nor to I need it.

Disagree with my approach if you wish, but dont make hurtful comments, please.

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Well done Tykey
I have also worked on similar methods to yourself and thrown myself into doing things that I enjoy. It isn’t easy is it but it can be achieved with determination. I decided I didn’t want to remain the person I had become for the rest of my life but I have also been told on two occasions on this forum that “I have obviously got over my loss”. This will never happen but we can still live again. By the way I also put my hand out for my husband when I am walking. Not silly at all…
Keep us informed as I find your posts inspirational.
Pat
xx

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Hi
Whatever works for you…. We all have to get through this grief ( if we ever do) and enjoy our life if we can
Xx

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Good on yer lad!
Delighted to hear you’re going from strength to strength.

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Hi Tykey, Thankyou for posting your thoughts and approach. I’m only 4 weeks in after losing my beautiful mum suddenly. Your posts have given me hope. We are all individuals. Even when we have relationships with people, we are still individuals. Everyone is going on the same journey in terms of we are all going to die. The important people in our lives are never going to be with us exactly the same time. We form the relationships during the time when our lives overlap. Life and the people in it are constantly shifting and changing. I am heartbroken after losing my mum but this is MY life and when I am ready I hope to have a similar approach. My mum will always be a massive part of my life. I am who I am because of her. Ultimately, we are responsible for our own happiness. We cannot rely on others for this. People enrich our lives during the time we spend it together. I wish you good luck and here’s to life and living until we see our loved ones again. X

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Hi @Helen51, 4 weeks is a very short time. During these early days my mind was all over the place, I couldn’t see how I could ever recover, was the rest of my life going to be played out in extreme sadness, tears and despair?. Take your time, and the fog starts to dissipate. the light at the end of the tunnel will start to glow and get brighter and brighter as we determinedly strive to get there.
In the early days, I met and chatted with a lovely lady in a pavement cafe. She said to me, “how do you want your new life to be?”, ie have a plan!! So I got a napkin and wrote down my vision, something like play the guitar, give her dogs the bestest life possible, live a simple life, talk about Penny to anyone who would listen, visit the Outer Hebrides, never miss a chance of making new friends etc etc. so nearly everything I did went to forming my new life.
Be positive about the future.

Probably the best thing I did was to control my thoughts (hypnotherapy) and my extreme emotions began to disappear.

Im glad to say that lady outside the cafe has remained a firm (but platonic) friend.

You seem to have set off on the right foot, and I return your kind sentiments. Good luck. You’ll be ok!

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One other thing I might mention regarding thoughts causing emotions.

In common wirh many people. My early thoughts following bereavement, are regrets that made me think such as

Why did I do that when she was here
Why didn’t I do that when she was here
What did that comment she made in her last days actually mean
Did she really love me
Was our marriage as good as I tell myself.
Etc etc, there are dozens of them.

These thoughts always seemed to burst through in the wee small hours when I couldnt sleep, or when Im already tired and emotional.

When I was relaxed and relatively happy, I always reexamined these thoughts, and bit by bit I realised that my conclusions were nearly always wrong, it was just my subconcious beating me up.

All the issues were blown up, and at worst were just the normal things which happen in a 50 year marriage. The thoughts are now put away, hopefully never to see the light of day (or the dark of night)

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Hi @Lonely . A lovely post. Its easy to imagine that our relationships should all be hearts, flowers and cupid’s arrows.
Life is never like that, its full of challenges and crises, and actions speak louder than words. After we pass the early relationship stages of courting, getting married etc, things change into a relationship where we KNOW that we are loved. Im sure your husband knew that, your sons know that as well.

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Hi All
Yes we all have regrets as you all say and yes I too beat myself up about them
And yes they are foremost in my head / mind
My Paul would’ve said
It is what it is

For some of us here I’m afraid it’s easier said than done
But …… we must try to forge forward

Xx

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Go at your own pace.

Advice I was given shortly after husband passed was - don’t let others dictate but do what feels right for you.

G. X

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Hi Grandma
So true!
Xx

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I think if you’d been together since the 1960’s @Lonely, he probably had a pretty good idea that you adored him - or at least quite liked him!

As the wise @tykey said, actions really do speak louder than words and those 10001 seemingly everyday, mundane things that long time married couples do for each other like making someone a drink, buying their favourite food, warming their PJ’s on the electric blanket/hot water bottle, ironing their clothes etc etc etc, speak volumes.

Apparently, only 7% of our communication is through words, - the rest through actions, body language etc.

Regarding feeling isolated and cut off due to lack of transport, would a mobility scooter be something you’d consider?
Modern ones, if you choose the right model, can have quite a long range before they need charging - approx. 24 miles I’ve seen.
They’re not particularly cheap but may be worth investing in from an independence and quality of life perspective.

Xxx

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