Rollercoaster

Hi all, ive not been on for a while i was doing well, but these last couple of weeks have been so hard, i lost my hubby last December, but everything about that day is coming back again,i havnt been sleeping or eating right again, how many more of you get these feelings, that seem to come back out of the blue, i keep getting photos out, then the next day im putting them back again, i have his ashes split up into 3 different places about the room, and 1 at the side of the bed ,would it be better if i just had 1 out ,any advice would be helpful please.,

Hi im so sorry to hear about your loss it’s utterly devastating it’s six months and three weeks on Wednesday since my soulmate fell asleep in my arms im utterly truamatised witnesing it all happen in front of my eyes im sorry to hear your struggling me too every day is getting worse as to the ashes it’s personal choice of how you feel I’ve kept some for jewellery buried some in the garden where we loved to sit and talk for hours laugh have fun breaks my heart so I scattered some in a spot in the garden and some at sea he loved to swim the rest I still want to keep as want to be sure and can’t bear to part with them although he in my head and heart night and day it’s unbearable the pain all I want is my soulmate back in my arms I hope tomorrow is kinder to you take care as much as possible in my thoughts Adele x

Hello

My husband died 4 weeks today. I am having his ashes today. I am going to buy a rose Bush and put some of his ashes around the rose bush. He said he wanted a white rose. Some more of his ashes I am taking them on our favourite country walk and discreetly putting some there.
I am still in shock of my husband passing away even though we knew it was going to happen. The Macmillan nurse told us it will be weeks not months that he had left. He got diagnosed in August of rectal cancer which had spread to his liver and lungs. The last few months was dreadful and especially the last week still haunts me. I feel so lost without him it feels so strange in the house without him.
I am trying to go out as much as I can because at first I didn’t feel like going anywhere. This time last year we was looking forward to a holiday in June to Northumbria. When I see our happy photos I think good job I did not know what was going to happen. Although I now know my husband was hiding all the symptoms of bowel cancer from me. He only went to the doctor when it was too late. I just feel so sad and numb.

Anne

Hi I am so sorry for your horrendous loss it’s utterly heartbreaking it’s six months and three weeks on Wednesday coming since my soulmate fell asleep in my arms im utterly truamatised witnesing it all happen in front of my eyes that rose bush sounds beautiful and to spread his ashes over and places you liked to be out every day is getting worse the anxiety is overwhelming all our future mapped out dreams and hopes to grow old together everything so cruelly and tragically ripped away no words can describe the pain and anguish your in my thoughts take care as much as possible Adele x

Hi there Join the rollercoaster club. My husband died in November and I thought I was doing O.K. I kept busy sorting through his things, decorating and numerous other things. Then about three months on I hit rock bottom and went into a depression. Felt terrible, thought I was having heart attacks. Tried to get counselling, thought that might make some sense of it all, but nothing on offer. Now I have reasonable days when I am suitably satisfied with myself then all of a sudden another melt down, might last a day or just an few moments. I had his ashes put with his grandparents and he is a short walk away so I visit often. More ashes are in a small urn at home. I was supposed to scatter them but can’t bear to let him go. I have a locket also with some ashes but won’t wear it in case I lose it, so it is kept in a small box by the side of the bed and sometimes I wear it at night. I have photographs of him all around the house. He is fit and well and that is how I want to remember him, not how the cruel C destroyed him. So you see we are all in that club of grief and I am still trying to find my way out. Someday’s I feel an improvement, then cruelly forced back down that blackhole of despair again, fortunately those days are, I think, becoming less often. I keep a log of them so that I can keep check on my progress. If I have a bad day I don’t fight it, I accept it is a day/moment to grieve. I ask Brian to help me which gives me comfort. Sometimes though I have a good moan at him and tell him it’s his fault I’m like this. He would only laugh. Good luck Pat xxx

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In my thoughts and prayers Pat speak soon I hope the gym goes well and today is kinder to you and all Adele x

Hi again, missed out the bit about everything keeps coming back. It does and hit’s hard. Sometimes I feel it must be a punishment for something that I have done in my past. Watching Brian die was horrendous especially that last few days. He was so confused and I wonder what, if anything, was going through his mind. I wonder if I said and did the right things to bring him some form of comfort. Did I look after him well enough. So many, what if’s !!! If only I could ask him. I keep telling him when I visit him how sorry I am if I didn’t do things right.
Please look after yourself and eat right. I am a healthy eater and keen on exercise yet I forgot everything. I began living on sweets, chocolate, cakes, fizzy pop (never drink the stuff usually). This is what caused the heart scare I am sure. I immediately stopped all this rubbish and got myself back on track again with fruit, veg. We grow our own organic veg so there was no excuse for my lack of good diet. So please take care of yourself because grieving and feeling unwell is not a good combination. Pat xxx

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Thank-you,im sorry for your loss too,i have good days /weeks, then it all comes flooding back, sometimes i talk to the ashes and ask ,why did you have to put me through this, i know we are all going through bad times, just wish it would get a bit easier,take care x.

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Thank-you to everyone who replied to my post, i know its hard for all of us, but i hate being like this again, its so hard sitting and living alone ,as a few more of you know, but i will try and take 1 day at a time again, sending you all a big friendly hug, take care xx

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You too take care as much as possible here’s your another long lonely silent night full of sorrow and disbelief Adele x

To another…sorry predictive text and swallowen eyes with crying x

Stay with the forum. I am also on my own and if I have a bad day I come onto this site, have a ‘chat’ and always feel much better. Lovely, supportive people that do their best to help, and of course everyone understands exactly how you feel. nothing worse than being alone and having allsorts of worries going through your head. Pat xxx

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Hi there,
I totally understand how you feel in every way.i lost my wife on the 9th
of may last year ,and have just gone past 12 months without her I feel worse now than ever . I have no answers for you I wish I did . I got a little pink casket for her ashes from the funeral place and have her by the side of our bed . Like I said I wish I could help you more give some great words of wisdom but I can’t ,I can only be here for you and all the others on her if you ever need to chat . You take care ,your not on your own even if at times you feel like you are ,well if you are like me most of the time . Again you take care Dave

I’m so so sorry for your losses it’s six months and three weeks tomorrow afternoon since my soulmate fell asleep in my arms im utterly truamatised witnesing it all happen in front of my eyes every day is getting worse your all in my thoughts take care as much as possible Adele x

I think trauma is about the only word to use in the circumstances. A life trauma. PTSD is very much like most of us feel. It is ‘post traumatic’ because the trauma is over, but it’s the ‘aftershocks’ that are the immediate problem. Like in an earthquake we never know when they will come. A sound, a voice, the weather can all ‘trigger’ emotions. If we can realise, (difficult), that it’s all part of grieving it may help. If we can accept the emotions without trying to be free from them then the anxiety associated with them may die down. Because most of our problems are those of anxiety. The future looks bleak; the past keeps popping up and causing problems. How else could one feel but frightened and anxious? It’s a perfectly normal response to the circumstances we are in. Mankind has mourned loved ones for hundreds of thousands of years, but it never gets any easier. I think the difference between then and now is that they took death for granted. It would happen some time so they didn’t dwell on it. Our expectations today are more tied in with our society. Death is not seen as a natural phenomena, but something that must be avoided if possible. But life does continue. It’s all around us, especially at this time of year. I confess, it’s so difficult to put into words what we all feel. In fact nigh impossible. But thank God for this website. Everyone has their own personal way of coping and we can get so much help from positive posts. Not everyone can be positive, I appreciate that. But we can stop ourselves being negative. I do that by the realisation that my wife is still around and that we will meet again. Illusion? Does it matter? If you are hurt and wounded does it matter what dressing you use provided it helps the healing. Blessings to all.

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I totally agree Jonathan, everything and everyone has a time, I was with my husband for 47 years altogether, he helped make me make me the person I am today, so I know he is with me wherever I am whatever I am doing, triggers for me include music, smells, and everything will come rushing back, I’ve learnt to accept and almost embrace it, because when the tears stop, the smiles will return, we can’t have joy without tears, sun without rain most of all we can’t have life without death, dealing with this trauma is probably the most challenging thing most of us will ever do, good luck and positive thoughts to all

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Once again Jonathan, you have helped me so much with such comforting words and I thank you from the bottom of my heart as I have had two days of having sad thoughts and being very tearful. I have no idea why I have to feel like I do, why am I crying for no apparent reason when I have been doing pretty well of late and I don’t like being like this
You mention things that can trigger emotions. Today I was working on our allotment and moving compost from one area to another. I then remembered my husband building those compost area’s and I sat on the grass and bawled my head off. A friend saw me and came and gave me a hug. She said nothing as she knew my pain, as she lost her husband suddenly a few years ago. It was all I needed. We are going out tomorrow as it’s Brian’s birthday and I want to celebrate with him. A riverside pub where we used to moor our boat, let’s hope that doesn’t set me off.
Again thanks Pat xxx

Oh goodness Pattidot and Barbcon.
Thank you, it’s my pleasure. I was driving along today through the lovely countryside which is England now, and I turned on the radio. Would you believe it? On channel 3 the BBC were playing Beethoven’s sixth symphony, the ‘Pastoral’, our favourite piece of music. I did have a cry, yes, but why not. I pulled over because I’m not safe when I get like that. It just hit me all at once. There just is not a thing you can do about it but let it come. I felt better after and continued on my way, but it brought home to me how vulnerable we are. The pain and the wound are still raw. It will heal, but at the moment it can be so painful. Your observations about the pairs of opposites is valid. Very much so. The pendulum swings from side to side. Good, bad. Happy, sad. Etc. But the place to be eventually is at the fulcrum. In a grandfather clock the pendulum is attached at the top to the fulcrum. It watches the pendulum swing to and fro, through the pairs of opposites, but is not itself moved by them. It observes. Eventually we may all arrive at the fulcrum. We will observe memories and past happenings with less emotion as the pendulum swings. We will never stop watching the pendulum, but it’s movement may get less as we go on. Perhaps not a very good analogy, but it will do! Blessings

Ah music can bring back so many memories. My husband was a Country and Western singer and just hearing some of the songs he sang will reduce me to tears. I have a CD of my husband and this morning with it being his birthday I played it, reasoning that I could listen to him. How wrong I was as I collapsed in tears the type I hadn’t produced for a while. I tried again later in the morning and this time picked up the small CD player and held it close to my heart as I danced with him. I could feel the beat of the music and just for a moment I could imagine that I was holding him as he sang. I sang along with him. I dread to think what it sounded like through my tears
Another piece of music which is driving me mad it’s the M&S adverts as the music they play is what my husband finished the evening with when doing a gig. I have to mute the TV each times it comes on. Take care
So I am still not able to cope with my memories as well as I had thought.

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In my thoughts Pat x

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