Running on empty

In the last 5 years I lost my sister my mum and now my daughters husband of only 6 months to cancer. Really struggling to support her and its breaking my heart.

Hi Jeannette. I’m sorry that you find yourself here. Unfortunately I’ve recently lost my wife so am not the best one for offering advice. But you will find many on here who can. Jay

Hi thanks for your email I am sorry for your loss x I dont find counselling helpful so I’m looking for other ways of support. Jeanette

Hello Jeanette, I am sorry that you have had such a horrid time and when counselling did work for you: you are in a very hard place. Your daughter will be devastated and both of you will not know which way to turn. Please don’t be hard on yourself because you are struggling not knowing how to help her. As mothers we feel we should be able to fix everything but it’s not always possible and you have to think about yourself. Take little steps, don’t expect things to charge quickly, grieving takes its own time and with the present problems, things may take longer than you would like. Look after yourself and your daughter, try to enjoy her company and smile if possible. Life will get better. xx

Thank you Susie. We are very close so seeing her hurt is so painful and today is my sister’s anniversary so I’m not in a place to help her. I will take on board what you said I think if we treat ourselves as we would others life would be less stressful. This community is helping me x

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hi Jeanette
very sorry for the losses in your life.
regarding your daughter,please just be there for her,please listen and try not to
tell her what she should be doing or how she should be feeling.
she will be in a very bad place emotionally and im just talking as someone whose lost is one true love 18 months ago and still struggling.my mum can be a pain in the ass.
i know i needed an ear not judgement or opinion.i hope you can be there for your daughter.
and lockdown and the current situations is nothing it doesnt make things worse for those who lost their soulmates.nothing can ever make that worse.
again im very sorry your daughter as lost her husband hopefully over the days weeks months maybe years your daughter will find the inner strength to find her own coping mecanism,please just be there when ever she needs you.
regards ian

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Hi ian. Thanks for the kind words I suppose sometimes you have to get to a bad place before you can get back up. I’m glad to say things are better and we are back to normal (whatever that is now). Having brought my family up on my own I can be a bit overprotective. So sorry for your loss of your soulmate life can be so cruel and although families can be annoying thank god we have someone who cares. It must be so hard not to have anyone at all x

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How you doing Jay not Seen you on here for a while…
How is the Cat getting on, and you managing to go to work.
Take Care

Hi. I’ve not been on here as I was getting to much criticism from a few. Could do without it. Today’s a hard day as it’s our anniversary.
The cat is ok and have started back at work but reduced days. Thanks for asking. Jay

Hi Jay, so glad you’re back. I don’t think you were getting too much criticism from a few people, lots of people here are stressed and sometimes the way we write something doesn’t capture our exact meaning and tone, and so we can easily misinterpret one another. I did send you a Private Message asking you to come back, and I hope you stay and get the help you need, I am sorry it is your anniversary today and that is making you sad, it is a difficult day for you.

Jay, just seen your post and I would like to say how sorry I am that uncaring people have posted criticism. It is not acceptable and having had a problem in the past by someone doing it me I know how disturbing it is, I would like, on behalf of Sue Ryder to say sorry and to say please report anything that is not right to Priscilla who would take action.
I am happy to know that your cat is fine again and I hope you can cope with the reduced hours at work. Anniversaries are hard days and with the virus going on and on there is not the opportunity to find things to do that would help. I do hope that isn’t to bad and with a little sunshine you can get through today and that next year life may have more meaning, personal I do hope so. I am, as always sending you my love and blessings. S xxx

So sorry to hear you had such me criticism I had that as well but when you are sensitive as well it is hard not to get hurt.
I am not gong to say the obvious congratulations as it must be hard,I have my Husbands birthday n the 16th and dreading It but I suppose all special dats will be hard .
We will get through we have to, I think the longer this grief is the worse I am
Getting.
Take Care and don’t let them beat you there are more good :blush: nes on here than bad…

We all deal with grief in our own way and we need to respect each other. Looking for support in this site means we are looking for help and should respect all our pain. Take comfort that that most people will be there to understand. Those who struggle to have empathy are the ones who will have a harder time coming to terms with their own grief. I hope you can take comfort in the many x

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I have found Comfort from many Thankyou.

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I meant to say the majority :heart: that’s good that you have found that

I think you should choose your words more carefully Susie. If you look back at the thread ’ Sad and Alone ’ you will see that Jay was not criticised by ‘uncaring people’ - there was simply a discussion about age and grief after Jay had posted. I know that all of those who joined in the conversation, myself included, are far from uncaring. In fact every single one of them are full of love and understanding. It’s good to see Jay back but he is wrong to say he was criticised.

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I have looked back at the thread on “Sad and Alone” and you have said nothing that could possibly offend anyone. Your words were -
“Although some of your loved ones were younger I feel the same pain.”
I have expressed similar sentiments myself.
The discussion then continued about age making no difference but you had no involvement these discussions. I should add that none of these additional discussions caused offence to anyone either.
Your grief and medication have magnified the situation in your own mind which is quite understandable so please be assured you were not criticised and continue to post on this site.
Best wishes, AL

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Jay had written “While losing a partner at any age is in bearable losing them at a young age is even worse”. Some people found this wrong. Jay then clarified that he did not mean this and he wrote it wrong as he is broken, and people understood. It’s sad that a minor misunderstanding has caused Jay to stop posting here.

Hi @Susie123, @crazy_kate is correct, as a member of Sue Ryder’s team you should probably try and choose your words a bit more carefully so as not to offend people.

Jay is a great guy going through terrible grief, he wrote that grief is worse if your partner was younger, some others simply said they disagree with this, Jay then clarified that he did not mean this and he is sorry if someone got offended and that he won’t post here anymore, and others told him he should continue to post as this site helps him. At no stage was anyone critcising Jay, at no stage was anyone uncaring towards him, on the contrary, we were asking him to continue posting.

Of course, as Jay is going through terrible pain, it might have seemed to him that people were criticising him, because when we are suffering emotionally we can often be very sentisitive to things people might say, but please rest assured Jay, no one was angry at you, everyone here understands the tragedy you have suffered, and it would be sad if you stopped posting because you thought people here are upset with you, when they’re not.

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Sorry, I overlooked that part of his post but my sentiments still apply.