Hello De thank you so much for your kind reply, Not having a very good day today for some reason.
Brian wouldn’t have bothered because he disliked confrontation, if he could get through life with nothing bothering him he was happy, preferred to bury his head… Where I liked to face things head on and get situations sorted. He would have just said “Oh let them get on with it”. But I would like to bang their heads together. Your bit about the lovely life we had was so correct and I did put this in a letter I sent to them recently. I told them that they would never change our thirty years of happy marriage, no matter. Non of us want hassle at this time and I wonder why family members have to behave in such a thoughtless way. It will be their loss when I write the new will.
I’m with you all the way Angron. You know what really bugs me, is people continually moaning about the weather. It always has got on my nerves but now more than ever. Recently I snapped at a person for moaning and said that my husband loved being outdoors and would enjoy being able to go out in any weather, so just be grateful your alive to see it. Like you I won’t listen to people moaning about their silly ailments. Get on with it. I watched my husband suffer a painful death and nothing will compare ever again. I never have suffered fools gladly, so to speak, but now I’m worse than ever. So, no I don’t think I want to join clubs or classes as I don’t think I would be very tolerant company at the moment. Better on my own walking or on my allotment. Meet nice people have a chat and them go on my way. Hate the morning bus with all the moaning women. Hark at me, got me started.
Glad I’m not the only intolerant one. I have a friend who has had a knee replacement. I know it has been painful but I would have swapped that for my husbands mesothelioma so I totally lose patience. I think I am not a very nice person,really bitter and bad tempered. I must try harder to be a nicer person.
I’m sure were very nice people really it’s just all the others. I will think twice about moaning now. I’l be grateful for what I have.
Hello I’m Rebecca, I lost my partner on the 15th December 2018, due to cancer. I have family but like you they’ve got back to their own lives and I’m left completely devastated and alone in the house we shared, we did everything together and now I’m lost without him. The intense pain I’m feeling isn’t getting better, but you’re not alone.
Hello Rebecca
Thank you for responding to my post. I am so sorry to hear how you are feeling. Loneliness is one of the worst feelings. It’s so hard after doing everything together to be on your own.
The intense pain you are feeling is unbearable I know. I am going through it right now and in fact I’m feeling worse than ever. I’m trying to get ready as I am going out later but it’s such an effort. There is no answer apart from trying to ride it out which is so hard especially if you can’t imagine it easing.
My heart goes out to you. Xxx
Dear Rebecca
I am so sorry to hear about the loss of your partner
I lost my husband suddenly last July
Grieving is a rollercoaster
The past couple of days I felt very low but this morning I don’t feel quite as bad
That’s not to say I feel good
Acceptance of my new reality is slow coming and like you I have had bouts of intense grief when I have not been able to stop crying
That doesn’t happen so much now
I have worked and spent time with family and friends all the way through
I have had no choice as we have a business and we have grown up children and we have all tried to support each other
Loneliness is brutal
You say you have family
Do they know how alone you feel ? It might be worth telling them so that you can arrange to spend time with them now and again so that you establish a new kind of routine ?
I always used to say to my kids when they were growing up …if you can’t do what you want then do what you can
I am now trying to apply this logic to my own life
I can’t have my husband back but I can make the most of other people I love and have relationships with ie family and friends so that is what I am trying to do
To build a life around the gaping hole of where my husband was
He will always be the centre of my universe and he will be with me in spirit whatever I do but life is short and we deserve to try and help ourselves to some small smidgeons of happiness if we can whether that is walking the dog or sharing a meal at home with family or whatever
I hope that your day goes as good as it can and you find something small to take the pain away for at least a short time today
Sending love and understanding
Romy xxxxx
Hello Rebecca. You are finding life very difficult I am sure. Family don’t mean to be thoughtless but it’s a fact of life I’m afraid. Most of us have found that out. I did everything with my Brian just as you did and it’s a bitter blow when they’re just not there. From my own point of view I don’t think I would feel any better if I was in a houseful of people because it’s that one special person only that can take that feeling of being alone away from us. it’s inside us. I have found that what’s best for me is to get used to being in the house on my own and I am managing to get there. I have a feeling that my daughter and her partner want to come and stay with me for a while as they live in Spain and all is not well for them. I dread them asking because I just don’t feel I could put up with anyone else here. I actually now want my own space and don’t go out of my way to mix while I feel like this. Don’t want to go to clubs or join groups or have coffee with anyone as I don’t feel I’m good company. I have my own hobbies which I focus on. I just want to get through this nightmare and hopefully come out of it the other side one day.
I too have better days and awful ones. Saturday’s(the day Brian died) is awful for me and last Sat was no better. I sat in a churchyard while out walking with the dogs and sobbed my heart out, but I have to admit I felt better for it afterwards, so I treat it as part of the healing process.
I too hated my house afterwards. Brian died here. My therapy was to decorate, changed curtain, moved furniture, cleared out cupboards, shed. I built up a relationship with the house again, plus keeping busy. Now I actually like being here.
Good Luck keep posting we are all here for you.
hello Rebecca
very sorry of the loss of your partner,your words express how i feel exactly and probably most of us on here who have lost their other half.it actually feels more like losing the whole of you as gone with them.im not lonely for company ,im loney that the person who meant the absolute world to me is no longer here with me.nothing anyone can say can ease that feeling of loss.maybe we all can in time learn to cope with the pain in our hearts and have some kind of future.but at present that seems like its in a distant galaxy.
regards ian
Dear Ian
It’s a hard slog
When I think of my husband not being here it’s like being stabbed in the stomach
I feel sick and like I am going to cry
I try and stop myself because I know it is pointless
Then an image of my husband appears in my mind’s eye
It’s like being tortured
Then I try and work out all the things I am going to do today to try and get myself through the day
I am bone weary tired of making the effort
How I would love to feel at peace with myself but that feeling of love and contentment has gone
I’m still trying to put a new life together for myself
It’s like someone has thrown all the jigsaw pieces on the floor and I am scrambling to put them back together knowing that even when I do , I have already lost a vital piece of it when it was broken up …my husband
There will always be a piece missing in the old jigsaw of my life so I need to choose a new fresh puzzle to try to put together to see if I can get some pleasure out of the challenge of doing that
It will be hard work
And I will feel like giving up I am sure
But if I manage to put all the pieces together eventually and come up with a new completed puzzle that I can be proud of , that I have put together myself albeit with a little help from friends and family when I get stuck along the way as is inevitable , then maybe I will just feel a little happier than I am today and life will be a little bit more bearable whilst forever missing and wanting my husband back
Sending everyone love and understanding today
Romy xxxxx
Romy, I could resonate with everything you have written, couldn’t have even begun to write as you have yet feel exactly the same.
Thank you Romy and I wish you the very best your inbetween life can offer you.
I have started to look at the life I have at present, it’s not my life as i wanted, that has gone forever never to return, I don’t know what shape a new life for me will take so for the present I exist in an inbetween life,. Craving my lost life with Alan yet apprehensive about a new life without him
Blessings
Jen☆
Dear Jen
Thank you for your reply
We do live in a strange in between world now without our loved ones
I told my mum yesterday that I don’t think I will live to be her age …she is in her nineties …and I don’t think I want to live to be very old …not because of physical health …she is marvellous…but because of having to live for so long without my husband which I imagine will cause me sadness for the rest of my days
I see my job now as helping my children in all their endeavours . That gives me pleasure and a reason to continue but the magic has gone and getting used to a quieter form of happiness…a different sort of contentment…is very draining on me .
I am naturally a lively person full of plans but that part of me is squashed now . I haven’t given up on life by any means but my whole being is floundering without my husband . My rock , my comfort blanket , the one person who got me totally and loved me inside and out , flaws and all , has gone
So back to my original thoughts …who would want to live a very long time without all that love and magical connection ?
I hope the memories and feelings I have for my husband will sustain me for my time ahead as much as they torture me with longing for him
Love and grief are the two sides of the same coin
If I lived to be a 100 I would have had 42 years of one , followed by 42 years of another …and that thought makes me feel like the one set of emotions is cancelling the other one out and it’s pretty much downhill all the way now which is a depressing thought . No wonder it’s so hard to get out of bed in the morning , scrambling around for thoughts to bolster me for the activities of the day ahead
It’s like I need a whole new way of looking at my life now when the other one suited me fine
It’s like having your favourite shoes taken off you , ones that fitted you like a glove and were so comfortable you didn’t even know you were wearing them and being given a brand new pair which you have to take out of a box , unwrap , put on and start breaking them in and wearing them , when all you want is your old shoes back
We will get used to our new shoes Jen
We will never love them like our old shoes but they will do the job
Keep moving today Jen in our strange new worlds
Sending much love
Romy xxxxx
Apologies not read up on posts but just replying to the title topic, yes I am sad,lonely and frightened…terrified of my remaining future without my Richard in my life…I lost him only the 11th April…he was my rock, totally reliable, totally unselfish, he put me first every time, he cared for me more so when I got diagnosed with my condition of MS 4 years ago at the age of 64…he would be devastated if he knew i was left by myself…neither of us on that fateful morning-mid day knew what was soon to come…For the first time in the 17 years of Richard always just being there, living together, having a life together he is now gone, never to be seen nor to hear his voice again, life is so so empty without him in it, same for the 3 dogs we once had, one by one everything, everybody that ever meant the world to me has now been taken from me, nothing else left to take…
Jackie…
Dear Jackie
I am so sorry about what you are going through
It is so very painful
We understand
We really do
We are all experiencing it too but your health makes things even more complicated . I understand.
Do you have contact with other people who you feel some sort of an emotional connection with ? My children , my mum and my friends have been a great help to me because of the bonds we have with each other
I think it is good that you are reaching out to others and talking about how you feel on this forum
You might benefit from contact with a bereavement counsellor either in the flesh or I think they offer it on this forum too .
Talking and writing about how I feel has helped and continues to help me process my feelings
My husband died suddenly too last summer so I understand the shock and grief and hopelessness you are feeling
Do keep posting on here and let us know if you have sorted out the counselling because I think that that might be a constructive thing for you to do
Sending hugs and understanding
Romy xxxxx
Apologies also if I keep hearkening on about my PPMS, it is just that stress and trauma exacerbates our disease, makes it worse as if losing a loved one, a partner of 19 years is not bad enough to cope with-to deal with, the loss, the emptiness, the crying, the constant talking to him, even carrying on as if he is still here, sitting in the same armchair he suddenly out of nowhere passed away in…Anyway I know he is still here with me, just cant see him nor feel him but he wont abandon me, just not in his nature…he provided me before death and he has made provisions for my after his death, this was the kind of a person he was, never had an unselfish nor uncaring bone in his body…he was simply one of a kind, I will never ever find another Richard ( surname ) not that I will be looking, ( he doesn’t exist…) he did but sadly he isn’t here anymore, although he is close in my heart, and forever that’s where he will be…
Jackie…
Morning Romy, understand your thoughts completely, my mum is 88, my dad passed 2006, my gran lived until just before get 90th birthday, she was 52 when my grandad passed. Mum still misses my dad, my gran missed my grandad for the rest of her life. She lived her life to the full, but was missing a very vital part of that life.
I came across this passage recently, you may have seen it already,
Grief, i’ve learned, is really just love. It’s all the love you want to give but cannot. All of that unspent love gathers up in the corners of your eyes, the lump in your throat, and in that hollow part of your chest. Grief is just love with no place to go .
— Jamie Anderson
Some days I think this, some days I just feel empty, some days don’t know what I feel. Every now and then, more frequently lately, I’ve sensed butterflies believing Alan is due home soon, when the realisation dawns I’m fit for nothing.
One thing I have realised since Alan passed is that the grief of losing a husband/wife/partner releases s pandora’s box of emotions we could never have prepared ourselves for and far too great to cope with.
Hope you have as good a day as you can ☆
Blessings
Jen☆
Hi there Jackie, please don’t apologise, we are here to listen. Richard was an amazing person and you had a wonderful love, so such love is well worth talking about.
You was blessed to have him. Of course he won’t abandon you, he loved you and will take care of you. Have faith that he is with you and you will find a way to cope.
I am looking for my Brian every day, I know he’s around somewhere.
Yesterday when walking by the river I suddenly had a feeling he was there. I started thinking about how he would have coped if I had gone first and I knew he would have been just fine. He had lived on his own before I met him, he was capable. If he still had his fitness he would have been out walking or riding his bike, he would have had a camera over his shoulder and waiting ages to get a good shot. He would have come home and put the photographs on file on the computer and picked out a couple to paint. I have his paintings of country views all over the house. He would have sat playing his guitar or keyboard, yes my Brian would have been fine with no dramatics. He was telling me this and I felt comforted. Then I climbed over a stile and a white feather was on the path. I looked up into the clouds and saw the shape of a face. Sideways but just like Brian. Only there for a minute or two. I laughed as I just knew he was following me on the walk. Now I am beginning to draw comfort by times like this and a light is beginning to show. It’s said that if you witness such moments that your loved one is helping you. Brian is there helping me, just as Richard is with you.
Love Pat xx
Pat…
…oh how lucky you was to find a white feather and witnessed the shape of a face in a cloud…yes agree, if that is not letting you know your Brian was with you, of course he was…was he following you or was he beside you, or was he leading the way?
Jackie…
Hi Jackie, I think Brian was leading the way. He knew the route well. He put those thoughts into my head as I had never thought like this before. The feather was ahead of me as was the cloud. Just keep looking and having faith and Richard will come to you.
I was thinking about you today and wondered if you could drive and how you was managing if you couldn’t. We have a similar park to yours near us. It’s by the river and quite lovely but well off the main road and bus service so not ideal for people with mobility problems. People retire there but find life difficult if left on their own and usually forced to move.
God bless
Pat xx
Another mempty and lonely morning, just turned 6.30 and drinking my foirst cup of tea of many…Already been speaking to Richard, amongst everthing I keep telling him " I dont like this at all…" meaning the being by myself…I also get on edge at night time once it starts getting dark and its time to lock up the doors, the back and the front doors, I unlock them when it is light and around the 8 am and the doors stay unlocked just in case any on site neighbours decide to pop in to see me, well that tends now to never happen as people go about with their own lives, well this is not what I call a close knit and friendly small community, everyone keeps to their own…
Jackie…