Scattering ashes

I need some advice please. It is coming up to the anniversary of my husband s death & his ashes are still with the undertaker. I think I want to scatter them maybe on the anniversary . Do I just make arrangements to collect them or will the funeral director be able to bring them round.
Next problem how do I tell my sons what I am thinking of I think they will be ok but I am really upset & just don’t know what to please give me some ideas.
Unhappy 127

Hi Unhappy_127,

I left my mums ashes at the undertakers for 8 weeks as I was too upset to collect them. One day I just woke up and thought I’m going to get them now, and I did.
However, it didn’t feel right to have them at home and I wanted to scatter them near to my grandparents grave. My mum would have wanted that. In october my sister and I scattered my mum and dads ashes (mum had held onto dads for 20 years not knowing what to do with them) and it felt so right.
I don’t know if the funeral directors will bring your husbands ashes to you but I think other people have had this service.
I think you should just tell your sons that you are getting the ashes and you are planning to scatter them on the anniversary.
They havent minded them sitting at the funeral directors this long so I cant see how they can feel too strongly.
I think you will feel much better once you have scattered them. I know I did
Cheryl x

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We all have so many ways of handling this. Scattering the ashes or not is a decision that has to come from the heart.
In my case I had no idea what to do but as his family owned a woodland site it was taken for granted that the ashes would go there but for some reason I felt it wasn’t right and managed to discover that he wanted to come back to his home town where he had been brought up (and where we live) and be with his grandparents who reared him. I changed the arrangements immediately and was impressed with the way it was dealt with, The bereavement services came and took up about 3/4 inches of the grave and the undertaker came with the ashes and with some of his family there and me saying a few words his ashes were scattered and then the soil was replaced and turf replaced. I had to pay for the service but it wasn’t too expensive and worth it. I kept back some of his ashes and they are in a small urn in the living room, again the funeral director did this for me. So your funeral director should be able to advise as well as talking to your sons. I am sure you will feel better once you have made a decision, so good luck.

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Hi Cheryl
I have lost your message but you are so right need to speak to you x

Unhappy - Have you spoken to the undertakers stating that you will want the ashes at one point when you are ready? If you haven’t I personally would - just to let them know. Some undertakers have a policy of disposing ashes after a period of time.
I struggled to pick up Mum’s ashes. It was the thought of it, but once they were in my hand I felt ok.

Hi Cheryl
I don’t know you but I love you Thank you so much you are so wise
They just grieved & got upset I do understand .
M plans are …I will scatter my husbands ashes with the undertaker alone . They are so kind & I will have laid him to rest without giving my children any upset .
Thank you Cheryl hope you are ok xxx

Hi Cheryl
Thank you just emailed the funeral directors & then I will go with them know need for anyone else to attend . My darling will be at rest . As I said before I don’t know you but you were there for me & I will never forget you .
Please look after yourself & your family. I will never forget your help .
Sending my love to you take care xxxxxxxxx

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Hi unhappy_127,

I’ve just seen your messages.
It’s such a personal matter that I thought I would just tell you what I did.
I’m glad I have helped in some way.
I always felt terrible that we had done nothing with my dads ashes and every couple of years my mum would raise the subject and I would shut down and ask if we could discuss it another time?
I felt bad for that but I’m so pleased now because scattering mum and dad together felt so right.
Seeing mums ashes in the wardrobe brought me no happiness.
I am sure you will happy with your decision
Cheryl xx

Dear All
Thank you for taking the time to help me.
I am sorry I didn’t reply sooner I have just been so down. I have been to the Doctors this morning & had a good chat with him he is our family Doctor & has always helped me so much. He has given me some tablets & they seem to be kicking in so I am feeling stronger now things don’t seem to be so bad now I think I am able to cope better now.
You know how it is sitting alone thinking was driving me mad but thanks to your friendship & the Doctors help I am sure I will get throughout the next few weeks.
Love to you all
Unhappy 127

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I hope your feeling brighter soon but I think its clear from this site how down we are all feeling at the moment. Going through our first xmas and new year without them has been ridiculously hard.
I for one am looking forward to work on Monday and the routine of getting my daughter back to school.
Days like today would be spent with my mum watching tv or walking round the shops. I’m on my own just wondering what has happened?
Hopefully we will all brighten up x

Hi All
Sorry I haven’t been in touch but was struggling as it was the Anniversary of my husbands passing on Saturday & as you know you tend to keep reliving it all.
Anyway I have managed to get through it ok but had a chat with my sons & I told them what I thought about scattering the ashes. I suggested getting a plot in the ground & I think they call it a drill and his loose ashes would be put in the ground , it would be a plot for 2 so I could be with him when the time comes with a marker with his name on. I think this was a good idea they are welcome to witness it so they would know exactly where he is & it is allowed to lay flowers .
But one daughter in law is saying his ashes should be buried & a stone placed on it in the garden of rememberence so they could all go & visit him.
This will sound horrible but they hardly visited when he was ill so why should she want this., I don’t really think it is her business.
Whem my Mum died Dad did that but it was just round the corner & it was. Done a couple of days after the cremation so I guess it was a comfort but this is a year on now & we re all gradually healing so I don’t think for one minute they will be visiting the grave very often , it is quite a long way from us & they all have busy lives .
She has really upset the whole family & I just don’t know what to do.
One son suggested sharing the ashes out so they can choose what they want to do themselves . I really don’t know & my husband would be really sad if he knew this was going on. People say it is my descision but I am just trying to be fair to them all but It is making me ill haven’t slept since Friday worrying about it, any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.
Sorry if it doesn’t make sense but would like your opinions.
Unhappy 127

I have my husbands and mums ashes in my house. I wanted to get them as soon as possible to bring them home. With regards to my husbands ashes some jewellery has been made, and some are going to be scattered in the Red Sea and possibly the Aegean Sea as we loved to go to Rhodes. My husband enjoyed scuba diving so it just seems fitting somehow. These plans may change I don’t know. I’m keeping some back as I want his ashes to be scattered with mine when it’s my turn. This is such a personal thing and I think it takes time to make the right decisions. I hope you come to a decision that feels right for you.

My husband’s ashes are still with me and when I feel ready I will let him go Free in a place we loved very much. He loved the views so I’ll let him go there one day. I’ll know when it’s time, just not yet! Do what you want to do what you feel is right and family should respect your wishes. I spoke to my children and said I want to let them go and their ok with it whenever I feel time is right for me. Xx

Hello, Unhappy 127.
You are quite right, it is your decision and nothing to do with your daughter-in-law. Stan’s ashes are still in a little church, our children (in their 50’s) told me that he had told them that he wanted his ashes to be spread over our favourite walk where we used to live, when we first started going out together. As I cannot walk more than a few yards, I do not mind not being able to do this for him, he understood how I am, Bless him,

I’m sure you’ll do what makes you feel you’ve made right decision in time no rush to let ashes go only when your ready. I hope day you find peace, you’ll meet again one day I’m sure :heart::kissing_heart:

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My husband was 55 went to work, passed that afternoon, I was in shock for a long, long time still am somedays​:cry::broken_heart: I miss him terribly but I know he’d want me to carry on for children. :heart: He loved us all so very much. I will let his ashes go when I’m ready as he wouldn’t want me to keep them, I know that :broken_heart::+1:t2: We have one life and unfortunately we are all going to love and lose people, it’s unbearable I know I feel that pain but please all keep going for your loved ones, they’d want you too for sure​:heart:

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Hi Karen so sorry to hear of your loss at such a young age . I really appreciate your words . My husband was a very happy kind loving man & always thought of us I know he would want me to carry on & be happy. I think I have made a decision about his ashes but am not 100% at the moment but as all my friends on here say I will know the right time & place & there is no rush.
I haven’t been on the forum for a while but so pleased to be back in contact it really does help as we all truly understand each other’s feelings & fears.
Thank you Karen & love to you all.
Take care
Unhappy 127

Awww I’m so glad I could help. I’m 100% too where my husbands ashes are going too , I’ll know time when I’ll feel ready to let him go. Xxxx sending much love to your family❤️

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Karen59, I know where my Stan’s ashes are going to be scattered, too. he is in a church at the moment. Our daughter and son are going to scatter them when they can arrange a mutual time to do so. I cannot walk more than a few yards, Stan chose our favourite walk, which both of us loved ( I often wonder if he had been told by the hospital. doctor that he hadn’ t got long) this was in the good old days before I injured my spine. You will know when the time is right. :heart:

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I know I will thankyou xxx

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