My husband passed over a year ago. The first year was so hard just getting through all the ‘firsts’ and sorting out all the paperwork. I don’t think I focused on anything except getting through that first year! Now I’m in the second year I have found it more difficult. This is it; this is my life from now on. I’m crying everyday, panicking over the smallest things and feel totally overwhelmed and lost. Is this normal? I get up every morning and tell myself to ‘put my big girl pants’ on but this only lasts for a short time and I’m back to being vulnerable and scared.
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Hi Rain,
It’s almost 16 months since I lost my husband and I actually said to my friend this morning that I feel worse in lots of ways.
I don’t cry as much, and my life is quite well ordered really, it’s simply that I miss him more than words can say.
Lots of people have said that the second year is worse than the first and unfortunately I know now what they mean.
Thinking of you
Janey x
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Hi Rain, I wrote this on another thread and I agree with you, my husband died 15 months ago and since the first anniversary in March, I been rock bottom. I’ve had covid then one illness after another. In the end I went to see my GP, because I wasn’t coping. I couldn’t stop crying felt so depressed, lonely, struggling with work, she referred me for counseling and Amitriptyline to help me sleep.
So yes this is normal.
I think the second year is harder in some ways than the year of first’s. It feels as if we are moving further away from them and that makes me sad.
In the first year it’s alway this time last year we were doing this, suddenly that’s gone because there is no new memories.
I kiss my husband’s photo everyday morning and night and talking to him all the time, just wishing I could hold him and kiss him and say all the things I wished I had said.
I have heard others that are further on in this journey have all said the same thing about the second year.
Sending love, Debbie X
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Thank you for your response Debbie. I am sorry that you have joined this ‘club’ too. It has really helped to know that I am not the only one feeling like this. I worried that I was being weak in some way but the support has definitely reduced during the second year. I understand that family and friends have to go back to their lives but I am really struggling but don’t feel I can talk to them about it. I keep getting told that I have been marvellous and so strong but the truth is very different. Thank you again for your support.
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Hi Janey. Thank you for responding to me. I’m sorry you are going through this terrible time as well. I have heard that the second year is worse but I I didn’t expect it to hit as hard as it did. I am crying more now than I did but I’m not sure if that’s inked to feeling exhausted and not sleeping well. I always seem to have a massive list of things to do. They are things that wouldn’t have bothered me when my husband was alive but now I HAVE to do them to prove to myself that I can cope on my own. It’s a vicious circle as when I inevitably fail to get through the list it just becomes proof that I am not able to cope. As you can see from these ramblings I am flip flopping between lots of emotions. I know I will never stop loving my husband but I need to find some purpose to my life.
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I do think it takes a long time to get over the exhaustion that grief brings.
I totally understand you “flip flopping” between emotions, I went through a phase like that a month or so ago, I felt differently day by day.
I think the biggest thing for me now is that feeling of “home” I still love my home with my little cat, but how I LOVED our home when Ian was here. I used to love the thought of coming home to see him, and loved coming home with him if we’d been away.
I like to think he’s still here with me, but, oh how I’d love to see him here again
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We moved into our home about four years ago. It wasn’t my choice but my husband loved it. I’m glad he spent his last years here. It is a totally impractical house for an older couple and I do find the upkeep quick difficult. I feel a bit trapped to be honest; I know I need to move for practical reasons but I can’t bring myself to do the sorting our I will need to do. I would love to see my husband again too. I still say good morning and goodnight to him and even shout at him sometimes when I am elbow deep trying to sort out the brambles!!
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Hi Rain, it’s a vicious circle not sleeping properly, trying to do everything and exhaustion sets in.
I used work full time, look after Doug and do all the jobs around the house he could no longer do. I don’t know where the energy came from.
Today I got home from work, went food shopping, sat in the garden with a coffee, thinking I should really be cutting the grass and loads of other jobs. Things I used to take in my stride are alot more effort now. I had to prune the rambling rose the other day and I could hear Doug saying to me, be careful on that step ladder don’t fall off. It occurred to me if I did no one would know.
As a family we are honest with other about how we are coping, so talk about dad, grandad all the time. I do have supportive friends who have suffered lose and know what I’m going through.
I agree with Janey, I love our home and trying to carry on with all the plans we had made, but it is alot harder without Doug.
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Hi Janey, I still think of Doug being here, like you I would love to see him again.
We have always had a cat, and our last one died just before Doug did. But I’m now seriously thinking I perhaps should get another cat for company. I do feel guilty that Doug wanted to get another one, but I was so upset when Toffee died I couldn’t face more loss. Which was ironic with losing Doug soon after. X
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We had two rescue cats Debbie, but the older one had to be put to sleep just after Christmas when Ian was in hospital, just 6 weeks before he died.
We were both heartbroken when we lost our first cat 12 years ago after we’d had her 21 years!!
Get another cat Debbie, they are great company. A cat will have a good life with you. I hope you do it! X
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I’m 14 months into losing my husband and some days I feel as if it was day one. Terrified watching him go into cardiac arrest. My life changed in that instant. My brother moved in with me and has not worked for the last 6 weeks. I feel better when I have company. I dread the moment when he says he is going back to work. I will be on my own again with that empty feeling that is always under the surface. I carry my grief with me silently. Family think I am coping really well but it doesn’t take much to fall apart. It all feels so fragile at times and the tears are just under the surface. I have this loneliness inside whatever I’m doing and who ever I’m with. There is an ache in my heart that will be there until I meet H again. My love is everlasting x
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Good morning Debbie, Rain, Jenny, Nell, I agree e totally with you that the 2nd yr is worse than the first. It’s been a yr and a half for me, and I’m just beginning to come to terms with the fact that my love is not coming back to me, never going to see him again. When I think of that, I just don’t want to be in this world anymore. We were ‘one person, one mind’, who am I without him? I manage to go on for my two grownup kids who live with me, otherwise I just don’t know what I’d do. They keep me sane and
are my reason to struggle on. It consoles me that they have part of their dad inside them, I’m so glad they take after him in so many ways not just physically. Yes Debbie, you should get another cat, we have two cats now, my daughter adopted another one shortly after losing her dad and I can see now that ‘pet therapy’ really does help, I know it’s hard when you lose a pet, we had a wonderful dog for many years and when he died, me and my husband just hugged each other tightly and sobbed.
Another lonely weekend is here, I’m going to continue painting my railings out in the yard, I’ve been doing jobs my husband would have done, gardening too, but there’s a limit to what my physical strength can do.
Hoping you have a peaceful day.
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I am the same my hero died 2year November 11th 2020 it’s so much harder this year lv annie x x
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Oh dear Annie, mine left me on the 15th Nov 2020,all of a sudden, unexpectedly from a heart attack. He was such a hardworking, fit and healthy person, I’ll never get an answer to my question: “Why?”.
Hoping you get comfort too like I do, from sharing our sorrow here together.
Be strong, our heroes will always be with us.
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It is so sad that we are all going through this. I recognise so many of my emotions in your posts and it is comforting to know that I’m not losing my mind. I don’t recognise the person I am now. I dither over the smallest decisions and any small mishap grows into a big disaster in my mind. I’m not good at showing my emotions so tend to put a smile on my face and pretend that I’m OK but that is not the truth. Thank you all for sharing.
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Dear Rain,
It’s the second year for me too and it could actually have been me that wrote your post. It’s just such hard to just exist, never mind live a life, a different life a nd one we never asked for and certainly don’t want!
Take care
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Dear Elfy. I’m so sorry that you are going through this too. I just feel so exhausted all the time and as you said it’s just existing. I do have some happy times with family and friends but there is always a big part that is missing. Coming back to an empty house is a constant reminder that he is gone. A life we never asked for or want!
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I don’t know were the advice that time heals comes from.
I dose not, so I’m not going to say it dose .if anything in my case it hurts even more .
Not a day goes past that I don’t think of her .its been 18 months I still sleep with her pillow and nightdress
beside me every night .not that I get any sleep worth talking about…
All i can say is for me there seems no end to the pain i feel.i think it will be like that till the day I die.
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I’m another one of those who think that time doesn’t heal at all, in fact the reality of it all becomes “more real” and the pain is worse than ever, I miss my husband so much more, I still can’t believe he’s gone, feels like it’s just happened.
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Hi all, I am 3 months into my 3rd year & I swear it is getting harder. There is hardly a day goes my when there are no tears & I can be busy or just sitting quietly when out of the blue I get this overwhelming feeling that he is never coming back. It almost takes my breath away. I know he would hate me to be like this & would want me to get on with my life but knowing this doesn’t change how I feel. Weekends are the hardest when everyone seems to be doing things as couples. Every weekend I plan to do something but every weekend I manage to talk myself out of it. Thinking about you all & it is nice to know I’m not the only one feeling like this x
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