I know I will never be the same person again but I have to believe that I can build a different life. If this is how I will feel forever I don’t think I will be able to cope. I hate that awful feeling of waking up and thinking ‘here we go again’ another groundhog day. Like you, my husband would want me to live a full life and I have been trying but I am going backwards at the moment. I hope I will find the strength to keep trying as I hate where I am now.
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So true, Lolly and Rain, relate to all you say, it’s a bit like taking two steps forward and 100 steps back. Now Summer blues have been added to weekend blues, I wish I could just ‘hybernate’ cr, curl up inside a cocoon and never come out, but I have to pull myself together (I hate this expression), for my grownup kids who live with me and have also suffered this tragic loss, seeing their dad suddenly being torn away from us.
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I’m on year 3 and it’s still hard. Days go by where I’m fine and life is normal, then 1 day I wake up and realise everything is not the same. For me it’s the loneliness I don’t have children as we couldn’t have them. I have my nieces and great nieces who I know love me but they are far away and I only get to see them twice a year. I work and that gets me through the day but it’s still hard when you see couples walking hand in hand and you think that should be me. It does get easier, but the grief never completely goes, it becomes a part of you. Grief was once described to me as starting on a lonely island and gradually it rejoins others, that’s so true, there is a future out there for us, it won’t be the same but it’s still there xx
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Yes my husband died just over 2 years ago. I think I was numb the first year just bumbled along doing the necessities. This year I feel like I am falling apart, Miss him so much
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Hiya lost my husband 15month ago feel worse know I miss him so much a understand how your feeling lv x x
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Thank you for these posts. I lost my husband just over 18 months ago and I recognise so many of these emotions.
It all takes such supreme effort to cultivate interests, focus on the positives and try to learn to enjoy time by yourself, but in reality it hurts like crazy and still all seems so unreal. I still talk to my husband as I don’t want to lose the connection.
Weekends 
… I get by by planning things to do. It’s when you stop and then it feels empty.
As lots of you say, it is so easy to hide all these emotions, particularly when friends tell you how well you’re doing!
But battle on we must …
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I’m also a little over 18 months into this nightmare, and finding that this second year is very different, the permanence is hitting home and the sadness feels so deep rooted now.
My daughters know hard this really is but my wider family and friends all see me doing much better I think. I’m trying ‘fake it till you make it’. I’ve just put my Love’s car back on the road and although it wasn’t smart financially, it feels right. I’ve also joined a local gym with a pool, so I can go swimming whenever I want. It takes up empty hours and it’s something I can do on my own - I don’t know anyone and don’t need or want to talk to anyone there, so it’s kind of embracing my solitude.
My life still seems to be spinning upside down and empty but I’m trying not to think too far ahead now, It’s terrifying to think of life alone forever, that may be the reality, but keeping plans short term and giving myself permission to bail out if I want to, seems to the only way I can get through the day.
There really is no way to describe this loss to anyone who hasn’t experienced it, so it’s a little unfair of me to be cross that everyone else is getting on with their lives. So to everyone here, do whatever feels right for you, I’m grateful to this forum because I’m not alone, not going mad, not failing, I’m just like everyone else here xx
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I have been reading all your messages and have finally plucked up the courage to write my first post. I can so relate to all your thoughts and emotions when going through this horrendous journey of grief.
I lost my husband 14 months ago to cancer, two months after diagnosis. From being a fit, strong, healthy man he declined so quickly, it was heartbreaking to watch him.
I think in first year I was in a daze most of time, just going through the various stages of grief. You know what it’s like, lots of people around you for the first few months and then they gradually go back to their own lives and you are left to move on with yours. Easier said than done. I have found the second year even harder. Reality has set in and I have to accept this is it now and that truly scares me.
I’ve never cried so much in all my life and I must have said the words ‘I miss you’ a thousand times out loud. I’ve felt anger, sadness, regret, loneliness but very little happiness since he passed. He was the love of my life and I miss him dreadfully.
As time goes on I’ve learnt to just take each day at a time and not to look too far into the future. People think I’m doing ok but really I’m just trying to do my best and hoping life is kind to me.
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I am 30 months in and I agree with you.
I am finding it so much harder now, morning tears, the only thing I have found helps is to write my feelings down in verse . I talk to him all the time but just to think of him the tears just fall.
My husband died 6 weeks from not being his self from a disease a chance of 1 in million it was so so cruel he was unaware in 5 days.
We just have to walk this path and pretend we are OKAY what a act.
Take care . X
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Hello Rain .
Yes it’s very normal . I lost my darling wife after 56 glorious love filled years. Just a year ago . The actual date is this coming Thursday . It has been an indescribable year . A year of pain , longing , sorrow , guilt and every other emotion you can imagine . Us men are supposed to be tough and hide our feelings . No me . I cry more now than I did at first even . Often I am like a whimpering child . I feel lost , vulnerable and scared of the future . I may look the same but I am a different person now . I try to appear normal with others but inside I am dead . The outside world has become an alien place . My life is now confined to the past . Sweet memories yes but now they just serve to torture me .
So don’t ever think you are anything but a normal human being . We have experienced the worst possible time of our lives . I wish I could give you good advice and hope but all I can say is hang on . Try to get through each minute the best way you can . Be kind and gentle with yourself . Let the emotions and tears flow … Every tear is proof of your undying love for your lost partner . Treasure that thought . You are not alone . All of us here understand your grief . I rarely post but I read many of the stories here . I saw yours and felt I had to reply .
Much love and caring thoughts to you …
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I’m new here, but I know just how you feel and am relieved (if that’s the right word!) to hear that others are finding the second year worse in many ways.
It’s the grim realisation that “this is it” and that anything we can do to make ourselves feel better is down to ourselves alone. That’s just hard and scary!
Do I try to have a holiday? Do I try to do anything nice? Day to day life is ongoing, but its trying to do the nice or fun things that hurt so much without her.
And the big un-addressed question… My darling wife said she didn’t want me to be lonely. But the very thought of dating seems a) terrifying and b) an insult to her memory. How has anyone else got past this stage?
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That’s so close to my experience. Hang in there., I hope we can get through this with the sort of support I’ve found here.
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Hi Andy, I’m 15 months on now, I do try to keep occupied and busy. I still work, I go out alot with very supportive friends and family. Haven’t been brave enough to go on holiday on my own yet, usually go with our daughter and family.
But the lonely sad days do hit me quite regularly, some days I just can’t function and cry at the littlest of things, usually something insignificant starts me off and can’t stop.
In answer to your question, I can’t ever see me dating again. I loved the man I married and no one will ever match up to him. We met when I was seventeen, he was my first and only serious boyfriend.
I was asked to go out by one of my neighbours but I gently let him down and made it very clear I wasn’t interested.
I have my family and friends I personally don’t need anyone else, but for others it might be different. X
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Hello Rain,I’ve just joined this forum.Reading your words were so much like my own story, it helped knowing I’m not alone feeling like I do.
I thought the 2nd year would easier, but some ways its harder, last year I kept expecting my husband to walk through the door,I now know that it won’t happen,and I have to get on with my life.I try and stop the tears,then feel guilty, I talk to him every day say goodnight and good morning,tell him I’m going out and when I get back. I hope you start to feel more like life is out there for ,you arnt alone, 
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Hi Debbie .
Yes I think everyone in our situation at some time or another wonder how it would be to have another relationship . Many do of course . I have two male friends who have done just that . It’s a personal thing of course and if it works for someone then I am happy for them .
I lost my darling wife a year ago today . We were as close as close could be . I could never imagine myself being with another woman in that way . It would seem like the ultimate betrayal . I still consider myself married and that will never change . A while ago before she was ill , my wife said to me that if ever I was left alone , she wouldn’t mind if I found some happiness with someone else . However I would consider myself unfaithful . I admit that I miss the company of a woman . Having someone special to enjoy life with and to share the good and bad times . I do have family but they have their own lives . Nothing on earth could ever compensate for the love and care I once enjoyed. As you say we would constantly compare and that would be unfair to the other person . People tell me I will meet someone to love again but I don’t want that . As lonely and griefstriken as I am there is no room in my heart for anyone else .
It’s different for everyone of course . Probably it depends partly on the kind of relationship you had with your partner . My wife was the kindest most caring , loving and unselfish person I have ever met . A year has passed and yet I feel as bad as I did on the first day . I know this is my life now and somehow I will have to learn to accept it … But alone .
I am deeply sorry for your loss . I understand only too well how you feel . Nothing prepares you for it . In an instant you are left , alone vulnerable and scared . Your very soul had been ripped apart . You no longer feel like the same person . Day to day tasks become like mountains to climb . The future scares you yet somehow we get through the days and weeks . Its not the way we wanted it but there is no choice . Keep your loved one safe in your heart Debbie . Your tears are a token of your love for him x
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Thank you Noel for your lovely message, yes we are the lucky ones to have found a special love.
I too have a number of widowed friends and only one has remarried and I’m happy for her, but it’s not for me. X
I have experience from both sides. My husband’s first wife died from a brain tumour. Before she died she told him he “needed” to get married again. They had celebrated their Silver Wedding. Long story, but he became my next door neighbour. Over a steady period of 2 years, we became romantically involved. We celebrated nearly 27 years of marriage before his death in 2020. Whilst I am now trying to come to terms with the loss, I have the comfort of knowing his life was happy…. The circle of life …
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I’m really glad to hear that it’s ‘normal’ to feel it’s harder in the 2nd year. I thought getting through the 1st meant it would get easier. I’m not crying the same and getting on with life but then I feel really guilty that I don’t express the grief I feel. I’m sure friends, family and others think all is okay and I’ve moved on, oh dear looks are deceiving
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Hi Diane .
That is all so true . I also thought that after this first year things would get a little easier but they haven’t . I miss my dear wife more every day . Yes you are right , most people who know us think we are over it and ok now . They don’t want to know how things really are. They have their own lives and it suits them to believe everything is back to normal . This makes it so much harder for us . We have to put on this act just to suit them and allow them to feel comfortable in our company . I find this exhausting .
The guilt is one of the hardest things to deal with . On the rare occasions that I forget myself and experience any level of happiness I feel guilt . I know it makes no sense because we know our partners would want us to be happy but how do we strike that balance . How do we learn to live again and love ourselves .
It’s good to hear that you are crying less and getting on with life . That must be a start . I live alone now . I do have to get on with life as best I can but I cry more now than at first . I know that “big boys dont cry” but sadly I don’t fit into that category .
I wish you peace and all that you wish for yourself x
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When my husband was first diagnosed with cancer, he made me promise to not die with him, but to live and love again. Its such a big step and I’m scared, but to do nothing seems wrong. This year I’m 50 so I’m going to try but I know whatever happens I won’t forget him but I will try x
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