Selfish and insensitive

My husband died a month ago, family and friends who are proving support in their own way by making me laugh take me out speaking encouraging words along with giving me space when I dont want to communicate or just be left alone to just try and make sense and time to process what has happened sending me a message asking if its OK to call me where I will respond yes or no depending on the day I am having as they are all aware of what I call my rollacoster moments which can be horrible and extremely painful.

Today was is one of my rollacoster days which was really bad and extremely painful a colleague called me last week but I refused to take the call as I was not in a good place after just coming home from bereavement counselling I explained all this in a text today to the individual this was the reply I got “that is no excuse for this behavior” seeing these words i thought was so cruel and painful I was left in floods of tears and having to control my breathing as I began to feel very anxious thank goodness I was able to offload on two of my very dear friends who help to cal me.

What are your thoughts and what would you have done in this instance would you say this individual was selfish and insensitive.


Dear Cpmb1958

The words I have for your colleague’s comments are unprintable. How totally unkind. Clearly this person has no concept of how grief - and especially loosing a soulmate - can affect individuals. One of my brother-in-laws showed the same lack of understanding.

This colleague is not worthy of a response - silence speaks louder than words.

I am glad that you had friends there to support you. Loosing the most precious person is difficult enough without totally uncaring people. They say that grief sorts out the true friends and as I have found for myself sadly this is very true.

Thinking of you. Keep your true friends close.


Thank you for your response after that incinerate message I have decided that I will no longer be making any type of contact with this individual.

Hey I hear and understand when you mentioned about the unprintable words that put a smile on my face cause I too had some words to say that are unprintable.

Yes slience does speak louder than words and it is times like this you know who your true friends are.

Thank you again.


I hear you Bristles as far as I am concerned I really don’t want to have any conversations with this individual as I am not the type of person to lash out at people which I have been trying to keep a lid on it but individuals like this person I know I will lash out at them and real heard this is one of the reasons why I have taken time of work and return when I am ready because my husband’s death is fresh and really painful.

Thank you for your response

if the death of your mate is not an excuse, then what is … i.e., discussing his death.

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berit you said it on one at the end of the day it’s my choice when and who I want to speak to when it’s a rollacoster day

Definitely agree with Sheila and bristles… Your colleague sounds like a complete dickhead… Obviously has never lost anyone… Someone like that isn’t worthy of your time or energy…
Best of luck to you on your journey… Glad you have people in your life supporting you.


Hi Lostinlimbo now you have said this it really makes
me start to think if my colleague really did experience greif after the death of her mother as she claims i think my colleague is hiding behind a mask or still at the denial stage after so many years which I choose not to be apart of especially as it has not only been one month since my soul made passed and trying to understand process and work how to start my life over without my life partner

I have now blocked her
Number on my phone especially as I have been on a real downer for two days now and wanting to get out of this rutt it’s horrible I hate it

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Hey Cpmb, good job on the block some people aren’t worth time time of day… Your find anyone that hasn’t lost a partner has no clue to how you feel… Your get morons that think you should be OK after a few weeks and idiots telling you your get over it… Move on… Time heals and all that crap… I just laugh it off now people in general are just clueless… You a newbie on this journey… You got many low days… Crying your eyes out… Days you wish you were dead… Sleepless nights… Lack of appetite… Its hell as you’re aware… But… It really does get… Umm not better not so much easier but its more bareable if that makes sense… You cry less and step by step day by day you begin to find who you are again… All the best too you and you’re in good hands in this community x

Lostiinlimbo thank you so much I really am so appreciative of all the support I have received and so happy to be apart of a community like this where we can help and support each other.

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Hi Loney

It’s time like this that you know how inventive and cruel some people can be especially being “friends” for a long time.

I have now learned to press the delete button or block them on social media.

The day of my husband’s funeral my husband sister asked me for something I told her I am tired and just need time to process everything and will get back to her she responded “what is there to process” followed by a nasty text message I blocked her Number immediately and don’t clarify her as Sister-in-law anymore I have also deleted her out of my life.

I can only think that your colleague has a few issues. I’ve had some weird, insensitive behaviour from people but that does sound particularly strange. It won’t have anything to do with you, just a shame you had to see him acting so ridiculously. I’ve learnt there’s just nothing you can or should say to the insensitive ones, you don’t even need to acknowledge them (I did learn this the hard way by initially trying to make everyone feel better about my grief, it just got too exhausting and didn’t stop horrid people being horrid anyway!) x

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I agree I don’t think people really try to be cruel , how can any one possibly understand if they have not experienced it. Ignorance is bliss as they say. Life is a journey of learning . We need to appreciate what we have while we have it but often we are not able to as we just take it all for granted . How I wish I could turn the clock back and value every minute I had with my passed Loved one . Just got to go on as best we can day by day , and keep breathing. Xx


Your preferred saying has made me laugh Sheila…x


Thank you Sheila you just put a smile on my face by just saying this


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Hi Treehugger

Now that I have had time to reflect I too honestly feel that my colleague has some unresolved issues/greif that needs to be addressed but I will not be the one.

I recently listened to something on Facebook and they were saying dint make other people’s problem you got enough of your own to deal with.

This is what I will be holding onto I am looking to go forward not people to push me backwards.

Dear Cpmb 1958 with friends like that who needs enemies .!! Unbelievable how awful to have treated you like that I would have told her to f. Off sorry I’m so angry some people are so ignorant best wishes to you xxx

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When my husband died I was told by one of my family that the rest of the family “Weren’t keen on him anyway” you can imagine how I felt I’ve never forgotten that and I never ever will My husband was a lovely man and my best friend for over 50 yrs
It’s because he used to stand up for himself and wouldn’t be walked over by them I’m rambling now. I just wanted to get it off my chest. Thanks for listening x

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It is the hardest thing though. I’ve really struggled with feelings of vulnerability and being extra sensitive to what others say since my Mum’s death.

When Mum was ill in hospital I had to refuse a drinks invitation from my neighbour as I was just too overwhelmed. She was a bit miffed but the shocker came when, after she’d found out that Mum had died just days before, she said “Do you think you could come for a drink now she’s died?” I stood there with my mouth hanging open, I was so shocked. To this day I can’t fathom why she would have said that. I have to see this person all the time and if I’m honest I still hate her guts!

So yeah, I try to have a thicker skin but so often people are just unbelievable and we’re human, it affects us… But you’re right, it’s all about trying to focus on those who make us feel stronger x

As I mentioned earlier I don’t think people are deliberately cruel just can’t understand. I could never have imagined the depth of pain myself until I experienced it. I was talking to a friend the other day and she said I should be out enjoying myself now that I have the time, nothing to worry about and am free, I had to make a quick exit as I could not even start to explain. She emailed me later to explain she did not mean it like that it’s just she did not know what to say and was so sorry . I know this person has a heart of gold and would never have wanted to hurt me so I would never have taken offence. If someone lacked sensitivity so much so that their comment was cold and uncaring I would just dismiss it and feel sorry for Them . It is at times like these you find out who your real friends are , and am lucky to have found some real support but so grateful for this site where I can offload some of the agony I don’t want to lay on friends who could never really get it even though they try. Sending kindness to all x