I cant quite believe the speed of what has just happened, my partner caught what appeared to be man flu back early november it just appeared to get worse and worse and despite weeks of me telling him to go to the doctor he wouldnt, Finally i got so sick of hearing him cough and cough until he was sick i made him an appointment with a gp it had been so long since he had seen a doctor they had actually removed him from their patients list luckily they reinstated him and saw him the following day they perscribed anti biotics and sent him for a chest xray. On wednesday the 4th december i had to go to london for the works christmas do and i didnt get home until 9.30, i was tired but knew something wasnt right he was sat in the corner with our son watching a film together the sheer amazement of them watching tv in the same room told me something was wrong. I asked “you all right love” he looked at me and just said " ive probably got lung cancer" i just stood looking at him he said the doctor rang me today wanted me to go up but i couldnt cause i had the dog,you werent here so i had to tell a friend and then our son. Tears fell from my eyes but i coudnt believe a doctor would tell you this over the phone with that he went to bed…He wennt to the doctors the following day and i went to work he didnt say he was going or i wouldve gone they gave him some steroids and he felt loads better so i dared hope they had it worng but by the saturday he could barely walk kept saying he was ok but looked awful by 7pm i had had enough i rang for an ambulance this wasnt right,the operator kept me on the line and i had to send someone for the local defib machine he was still arguing with the paramedics that hed be ok. they put him in the back of the ambulance and rushed us to resus and he was admitted immediatly first to the acute ward then a day later up to the respritory ward day one on that ward they said he had a partially collapsed lung and pnemonia day 2 he had a ct scan then told us this revealed lung and liver cancer as well as another infection caused by the cancer that was attacking the lymph nodes and it was irreversable basically we had gone straight in at end of life stage, he wouldnt accept it just kept going on about beating the infection and going straight to chemo, phoning friends arranging lots of people come in and telling them all he was ok and going to beat it even while i sat there in complete disbelief he made appointments for work after christmas. i went in every day every day his bed was constantly visited not by lifelong friends but just people that messaged him fro the pub saying get well. i thought it kindest to just pretend with him thinking he would finallly accept this and spend a little time telling his boys he loved them and stuff. It never happened and just 2 days ago myself and my eldest son stayed all day and night until he breathed his last 49 years old and just 15 day from diagnosis to death .Im reeling i cant cry i cant do anything except fend off people who keep asking if im okay
and i think im very much not ok… but im not feeling anything just numb nothingness is this normal or am i just cold and heartless
No Paula, never cold and heartless. Never!! You are in shock and our brains sort of turn off to avoid extra pain. People in shock of any sort feel this way. What has happened to you is about the worse pain any human can suffer. Not physical pain, we can cope with that, but the emotional pain is something else. You will feel numb for a while. No feelings at all hardly.
I found it kind of empty. A big hole with no one to fill it. But that’s me and we all have our own way of grieving. Once again I must say you must not think of yourself like that. Cold, oh no! One day or one hour at a time.
It was all drawn out over a period of time when you must have been so worried. That makes it worse even though you may hope only to have your hopes shattered.
Try and cope with those who offer help but don’t understand. It’s so difficult. On this site we all know and you have done well to come on here. It takes courage to open up to strangers, but you will find, as I have, that strangers can become good friends.
Take care. Look after yourself as best you can and come back when you want. we are all here. and we listen.
I can fully understand the absolute shock and I’m so sorry you are going through this. this is pretty much what happened to my mum in August. Click on my topics and you will see my story. I still can’t get my head round it. Mum was diagnosed on a Friday night. They told her Saturday morning. She died two days later on a Monday night. The speed was absolutely shocking. She had a bad back for a few months. Then got “the flu”. They gave her antibiotics and inhalers for her chest infection. But then She collapsed and was diagnosed with lung cancer. But actually they said they wasn’t sure if that was the primary. They didn’t know where the primary was. But it was in her bones, lung and lung fluid.
I will never ever get my head round it like you I’m just flabbergasted and distraught. She was at work 6 weeks before she died. I’ve heard so many stories like your husbands and my mums. I never knew cancer could grab you like that
Ps I was numb too for weeks I feel worse now 4 months down the line than I did in the immediate aftermath where it truly hadn’t sunk in. The shock protects you in a way from feeling anything. It will
Come. You will grieve properly. But at the moment you are still in shock.
Hello Paula I am so sorry for your loss, and do understand those emotions that you are going through. Nothing will seem real for a while but you will have things to sort out and do. It will all seem unreal but you will cope or if you don’t feel you can then I hope you will have help.
We are all lost in our own world at a time like this. In my case I worked until I dropped to keep myself busy, that was my way but it may not be yours, we are all so different. Cry or not to cry that is your body taking over. The day after my husband died I wanted to walk out of this house and never come back but I had to stay there was so much to do. Now I cling to the house because it is my refuge. Take it day by day and see how you feel. If you want to cry then don’t be afraid to, no matter what you want to do then do it. Grad at doing anything that gives you just a small amount of comfort. For me it’s walking with my dogs into the countryside and my allotment keeps me busy. Try not to snap out a reply to well meaning people that ask you how you are. I used to just shrug when asked this because I couldn’t risk the answer that might have come out of my mouth.
Paula you have done right to come on this forum, you will find people that really understand and will be there for you, keep with us. Good luck and God blessxxxx
Hi Paula
So sorry to hear of your sudden loss.
You have just had a huge shock to your system and your mind and body is experiencing trauma and trying to process it all. There is no right or wrong way of coping as everyone grieves differently. Give yourself time, hour by hour, day by day, baby steps and make sure you have support around you. The fact you are on here shows you are reaching out for support and that’s a good thing. We all understand this pain and heartbreak so keep posting and be kind to yourself.
Paula, it is as you said shock. Apparently, shock helps us cope with the early days and weeks of grief. I lost my Mum 10 weeks ago suddenly. I think a part of me is still shocked.
I’m sorry for your loss. I’m glad you’ve found these forums, because the people on her are truly lovely. X
Hi Paula what you are feeling is OK I was the same for a long time my partner Alan had the same he went to the doctor last November and test after test thay kept saying there was nothing rong we new there was this went on until June this year when he went for more tests a week later he went back on this own to be told it was stage 4 lung cancer and it had spred after 7 months of having test I found this hard to except that they could not find it sooner I finished work to be with him it is a terrible disease we were told 6 to 12 months it was weeks not months and non of it was nice it is a terrible way to go so no what you are feeling is. OK it’s your body’s way of coping there is no right way to do any of this you just have to do what’s best for you if it feels right for you then it is you will be in your bubble for some time where nothing is real take care xx
Be as gentle and kind to yourself as you can be. Make yourself eat and rest, even if you don’t want to. I’m sure nothing seems important to you now, but you do have to maintain your health. I still get caught up in the memories of his last days, and they are horrible. He had a heart attack last Feb. and was recovering well. We went to the doctor in May, and his diagnosis was very similar (cancer that was terminal) , and I lost him in June. I try not to blame myself for the things I should have, or could have, done - there is nothing I can do to change what has happened or how it all played out. I too, thought the end would be different -
It is very difficult to deal with people. They mean well, but so often do not truly understand. After awhile when they asked “How are you?” I would just reply “it’s different”. It is different, and always will be.
Take as much time alone (or just with your family) as you need and want. Some alone time is good, and it will help you recover from this terrible shock to your very being. Be as gentle and soothing to yourself as you can possibly be. Allow yourself to grieve in your own way, with or without tears.
This is a long, hard road we travel now. Take it day by day, hour by hour or even minute to minute. Make yourself look after yourself - eat every day, not because you are hungry, because you know you must - you will find things (music, nature, family) that help to soothe your pain, use them as much as possible.
Everyone on this forum knows what you are going through, and they are truly compassionate and caring.
Don’t hesitate to come here - it is the place you can say anything and receive only kindness in return.
Hello, Paula,
I have read your very touching post and I could cry for you. I am really pleased that you have come to this place of wonderful people, where you will receive compassion, understanding and kindness.
My husband died suddenly, last August, I miss him dreadfully, we had been married for nearly 59 years. I count myself to be very lucky that we were given all these years together.
I am thinking of you and those who have said that you are in shock, speak from the heart, shock plays havoc with our emotions.
Blessings,
MaryL
Hello again, Paula
You are neither cold or heartless, you are in shock.
I have written a longer reply further down.
MaryL
Hello Paula, I too can totally understand the sense of shock. My fiancé was taken away from me unexpectedly in October, he had a cardiac arrest then three weeks later he was gone at 48 years old. For the first weeks I considered myself heartless as I felt nothing, more like a zombie, only ate because I had to, didn’t think I even bothered to wash for a bit. But in time my feelings hit me and it hurts. I think your body and mind can only deal with so much so it shuts down so we don’t get too overloaded. We never know how we are going to feel, well because we never planned for it. Keep well, I like this site and hoping to get counselling soon. Love Rosie
Dear Rosie,
You are right, the shock to our systems is enormous. I am 4 months on from losing my dearly loved husband, my finding him on the bedroom floor shocked my system so much, the realisation has just hit me, really. I wish you a peaceful Christmas and a blessed New Year,
MaryL
The shock of the police banging on my door at midnight and shouting that my Mum had a massive heart attack in hospital. They could not get hold of me by phone. In that second I new all hope was lost. I ran for my coat and bag and the Police blue lighted me to hospital at speed. I just desperately hoped she be alive by the time I got there. She was still breathing. I lived with her for 43 years.
Terrible shock and that unfortunately was not the end of the shocks.
One of the reason I haven’t rushed into finding work is to allow myself some time to recover from the shock of it all. I believe the shock was severe. I’m just coming up to 11 weeks and I burst into tears out of the blue. I think I’m still shocked in some respects.
Slowly, the body and our minds will adjust to the new reality. My moto has been gently does it. Listen to your body and rest when it feels under strain.
That must have been really traumatic for you daffy.
When I look back, my mums situation was peaceful and in slow motion. Mum simply fell asleep and didnt wake up again 15 minutes after an operation.
The shock for me was that I was expecting to be back at the hospital to take her home and spend a week looking after her.i wasnt expecting to be told that she had suffered a peaceful, yet catastrophic brain hemorrhage.
Also I think it doesnt necessarily need to be traumatic in its nature. Its traumatic enough that we have lost the most important person in our life. We never think they will die and that they will be with us forever.
Mary , the shock must have been awful for you as well but more so as you are older than us and shock can be very dangerous. You are very strong even though you probably arent feeling it.
I will never forget the shock of watching my poor mum trying to give CPR to my dad when he had his heart attack. He was a big man and we couldnt get him off the bed onto the floor and he was just sinking into the mattress every time mum pushed down on his chest. And I just stood there like an idiot doing nothing to help.
Life can be pretty awful at times for us all. I just hope when its my time, that it’s not traumatic for my daughter the way I have suffered with my parents deaths
Cheryl x
Thank you for your kind words, Cheryl, it was a dreadful shock my finding Stan, dead, on our bedroom floor. I feel that it is just hitting me now, who and what I have lost, he was a gentle soul and a gentleman too. Yesterday, Sunday, was a very bad day for me, but I did manage a smile, I was recalling the first Christmas that we were courting, a very old fashioned term, I was only just 18 years old and we had been walking out for 10 months, another very old fashioned term. Stan went to see my mum and dad he told them that he wanted to ask them something, mum told me later that her and dad panicked, at first, both of them thought that he had gone to ask them if he could buy me a hairdryer for Christmas. ( not to ask my dad if we could become engaged).
That came as my 19th birthday approached the following summer.
Happy memories,
Love and best wishes to all of you, thank you for your very kind messages over the last 4 months. I shall be back in the New Year.
Love,
MaryL
What a lovely story mary.
Life was much better in the 50s and 60s.
I only listen to that era in music. My mum was 74 when she died this year but she always wished she had been a bit older as she wanted to be a land girl in the war.
Your generation will be missed, I dont think young people today have any idea.
Try and have an ok christmas. I know it wont be the same for you.
Cheryl x
MaryL you were lucky to find such a lovely man.
My Doctor told me not to forget to eat regularly.
Christmas won’t be easy for any of us, but I hope you find some joy and relaxation over this festive time. I’m hoping for some decent TV. x
Daffy
I agree with you about the tv.
I sat down this afternoon with a glass of wine. Shopping was done, all chores done etc and I fancied a good film
Every single channel was showing cartoon films like toy story (seen hundreds of times) christmas movies like, a white Christmas or elf, or programmes about xmas.
I just wanted a good film to distract myself for a couple of hours.
Try and have a nice time. I assume you are with your partner for the day?
Cheryl x
Terribly traumatic. I very grateful to the Police for running me in. At times the speed was 130mph. The irony fast driving makes me usually very stressed.
My father 20 years ago had a very gentle death and it was still felt pretty traumatic afterwards.
I think it’s a shock for most people.
Yes, I’m with my partner over Xmas.