Should be going on holiday

3 months ago we were hoping to go on holiday today (depending on lockdown) 2 months ago that tragically ended. Some people are saying I should go to places she liked to go but I can’t even go in the garden without being in too much pain.
First time in 25 years not had time away with my sweetheart.
Really hating life.


Hi Jay
Don’t take any notice of what well meaning people are saying you should do. You do what you feel comfortable with. Do it at your own pace and when you feel able. No point putting yourself through more misery by having those memories flood you with more grief. One day those memories might become happy ones.
My interest in my garden also left me at first but having to spend more time at home I have found I now enjoy looking after it again, but thinking of revamping it completely. We also went on many holidays but I couldn’t even consider going without Brian now but who knows, time might change that.
Today I walked the dogs in lovely woodland and went past a bench where we used to sit. I walked on by but my dog remembered, bless her and refused to pass it. So I went back and sat there and remembered the many time we had sat there together. So do what is in your heart to cope with, not what you feel you must.

Thanks Pat. It’s still so raw and painful. Still can’t believe my girl has gone. It’s just so lonely. The only communication is on this site. Just been rock bottom today. Should have been the start of a super holiday with my sweetheart but the doctor’s so cruley stole her from me. Going from her coming home in a few days to being gone in a few hours just don’t make sense. Just feel my life has ended. Don’t want a future without her.
Sorry I’m rambling on

Jay I do know how you feel, I really do, as so many of us do. It’s like a bad dream, a sore that won’t heal. You are in the very early days of your grief and I can’t say it will soon end. However slowly, so very slowly you will begin to put yourself back together again. For now you must grieve this is the only way to get through such a terrible time. To ride the waves.
Your not rambling Jay, your saying what so many of us before you have said at some time or other through grief.
For me I feel as if my life did end but I am building another life. A life that my husband will always be a part of. Of that I am determined but I am accepting that this is my new life now. I feel that life is a precious gift and we have to look after it as best we can.
Concentrate on grieving in your way, don’t try to hurry things, look after yourself, that is important and when your ready you will move another step forward and then you will feel ready to make communication with people.

Hi Jay I can’t face going to our second home in Bulgaria I know I couldn’t this year but next year I have to face it I have to sort things out over there the thought give me palpitations

Kim it’s just horrible. We have a little tourer and was having a cheaper holiday this year as we were going on an Italian cruise for my 50th next year. That’s not going to happen.
Just so lost without my girl

Jay, I know how you feel. I’m having a particularly bad day today, can’t focus on anything, and don’t want to eat. Had a walk by the river earlier, saw people my age hand-in-hand, that was me just a few weeks ago, never again. Sister called to seee how I was - fine I said, I can’t face anyone coming over. BTW - Fine is short for Fed-Up (or another, stroneger word), Insecure, Neurotic, Emotional. That’s how I’m feeling and I don’t want to feel better, I just want her back.
This is summer, I have no idea how I’ll be in the long winter evenings.
Apologies for rambling

Don’t apologise. I’ve just been a mess too and my sister also called to which I said I’m ok. I keep being told that Allison would not want me like this, but I can’t help it. The pain is constant and just typing this I well up. They just don’t get the pain and loss we feel.
I’m seeing messages from people enjoy going on holiday and should have been us. Just so unfair

Thanks Jay - to borrow a quote “we’re all in this together”, but none of us wanted to be. Understand the welling up - my eyesight goes a bit worng reading & writing on here. I know people mean well, and want us to be ok, but I’ll never be ok again, and not sure that I want to be. I just miss her so much

Oh, they’re having a BBQ next door, shouldn’t feel this way but wish they’d just stop and all go home

So sad shopping walking the dog etc tears streaming down my face when I see couples so hard I often wonder if our loved ones know what we are going through

People say they can see us. I hope they don’t too much because I fed up with the two-faced people out there. Although I hope she realises how much she is loved and missed by me.
I really hate being alive. My dreams have been shattered

I know what you mean by BBQs. Every ones out enjoy themselves and I’m next door alone and in tears with a broken heart. I now take sleeping tablets and in bed before 10. Just can’t stand being awake.
I work in a large supermarket and constantly see couples holding hands and can’t help but feel jealous.
Along with tearing up.

I’ve asked for sleeping tabs but the GP has refused as I’m on anti-depressents. I took early retirement and we hada couple of years together - fortunate enough to be able to live comfortably, now wishing I had to work to have something to do, take care of yourself Jay, It would be so easy to just switch off

I spoke to pharmacy about tablets as I no longer have any trust in my GP. I’m on anti depressants too.
I struggle to cope. When at work I go home lunch time to let out what I’ve stored up. Then sort myself out than back to work.
There must be a reason I’m still here. I guess you feel similar.

Very much the same Jay, my daughter says I need to get help, but I don’t want any help at the moment. As to why I’m here, not sure I want to be

I write to my lady every evening. Just tell her how I’m feeling and what I’ve done to pass the time. Sometimes it’s easier than other time to write, but I generally feel better for doing it, I know it’s nuts, but in some ways it’s easier than talkijg to her - I do that too. She was never big on emails so it’s in a journal I bought a few days after she passed.

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I’m having councelling and she suggested that. I gave it a try but it was just too painful. I still send her text messages and WhatsApp telling her how I feel about her the same way I used to. I talk to her every night and morning too. I also have some of her hair in a pendant that I am often holding.

Wish I’d thought of that. She wants to be with her mum and dad, where they’re buried. I may keep some of her so she’ll always be with me

I’ve also arranged to have a belle forever rose that hold some ashes in. I always felt it was strange to have ashes at home but I understand why people do now.