Sick of hearing “stay strong”

I am so pi**ed off with people telling me to “stay strong” and all the variations that I could scream blue bloody murder. I know people say it from a good heart but seriously? 19 weeks ago I lost the love of my life, the man I have spent every day with since I was 16 years old (I’m now 48). Strong is the last thing I am right now! Do I manage to get through each day - yes. Some days better than others but what part of my life has changed beyond recognition don’t people understand? I lost my best friend in 2018 to a brain tumour so I don’t have that support and as many of you will understand a lot of the initial “I’m here if you need me” has tailed off as other people’s lives go on. Everything about this awful journey is hard. Having to take on the responsibilities that my husband would do drain me - from having to cut the grass every week to putting out the bins and trying to maintain the house - it’s all so bloody hard.
The loss of the emotional connection with that person who just “got you”, the loss of physical human contact - what I wouldn’t give for a hug right now (and then the guilt that I miss human contact). I went back to work after 12 weeks as I had no income and not one single person has mentioned my husband or the loss of him. I got the usual “good to see you back” etc but the lack of acknowledgment cut deep. I know it’s because people don’t know what to say etc but that doesn’t make me feel better. I hate going out because I find myself looking at couples together and thinking how come they got to grow old together etc. I don’t begrudge them it just makes me incredibly sad. I have aquantencies but no real friends that I can just go for a coffee or walk with just to chat to which makes it so much harder. I sound bitter but I’m not I’m just sad to be on this path. Anyway this turned into a rant rather quickly which I didn’t want. Apologies x

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You can only be as strong as you feel on any given day.Of course you will feel angry you have had your Soulmate taken from you.I have only been with my Husband 2 years(married for 1 year this Friday coming!)He now has Terminal Cancer and along with losing my youngest Daughter,aged just 26,just over a year ago its safe to say im preety angry too!But as you said not in a bitter way towards other people,just life in general.
People DONT know what to say,thats the trouble,but it can come across as uncaring when ,like us,we have lost Dear 1,s.
So dont worry about the bad days,start again the next day and see if you can make that one any easier…try to get lost in a film,or as i do a Book!It helps me at times to shut out the never ending Grief we have to live with,Good Luck xx

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I get you 100%. I hate that that’s the first thing a person will say. Stay strong, well, I’m not strong with losing someone I loved. But we are in a way, someone said to me…heartbroken is a strength because we loved them beyond measure. I have no friends that I think will stay years down the line when I’m still not myself, because I never will be. They may prove me wrong. I do have my wonderful family and there’s lovely people on here. So if you want to rant shout,talk,cry on here then do so, you deal with it the way you want to, because you can!

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Thank you for your reply. Im very sorry to hear you lost a child and now have to deal with your husband having a terminal illness - life really does suck at times. I know what you mean - I was one of those people who would probably have said stay strong to others. It’s only when you find yourself in this position that you realise the enormity of it all. I have vowed not to be that person in the future. X

We are all stronger than we think,doesnt mean we are ever going to be the same people again though,does it?I know i never will be.My daughter died in her sleep(eplilectic fit brought on by prescription drugs)toatally still cannot believe it,yet i do,and carry heaviness in my heart every day although try to ‘stay strong’ for the rest of my Family who are grieving too.I feel as though some part of me has been ripped out and now i face losing my Soulmate.There are days i really dont want to go on,but i have 1 of my G.Daughters live with me full time and i could not let that little Girl down after losing her Mummy.
So,all we can do is day by day…x

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I just don,t talk to anybody if l can get away with it, the pain is so deep, l wish l could just wake up one morning to say it’s ok today, it was December 2020 l lost the man l loved so much ,my heart just broke in 2, but I feel it’s like Groundhog Day the days when I’m not working are the worst I don’t have many acquaintances, l have a dog and 2 sons there ok but get on with there own lives, and that’s fine, I’m so losted it’s a understatement I wander in life now, I do when I need to, eat clean, go to work, in November l retired to doing 2 days a week, because I knew if I finished all together it would be the end of me, l just want to wake to it’s ok

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You don’t sound bitter. I’ve hated people dismissing me with a “well, you’re so strong, you’ll get through this”. Strength just isn’t a relevant concept right now when everything’s been blown apart. Rant away, here’s the place for it x

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Hi Mrsa73 My husband of 48 years died 7 months ago and what you wrote is exactly how I feel. Unfortunately I had a rant at my sister 3 months ago and now neither her or my niece are talking to me. I can’t believe that no allowance was made for the awful emotional state I was in.
It’s a relief to read all these other letters and know that you are not alone and going mad.
My 2 daughters and families have booked to go to Mexico next Easter with the company my son in law owns. They are going to be away on my 70th birthday and what would have been our Golden wedding. I was told this yesterday. I stupidly asked if I could tag along rather than be here on my own and was told but I’m not a director. I’m afraid this just about finished me off, and then am I being unreasonable. I don’t know and there isn’t anybody to advise or guide you. Liz

Liz6, I think people expect you to get the funeral out the way and then all of a sudden start to feel better and get in with it. Oh how wrong are they. It gets harder as the reality sinks in and as situations arise that you would have tackled together or your partner would have sorted now become your sole responsibility - it weighs heavy. I’ve learnt to rely on myself only now as others who could help are too busy and don’t realise just how daunting and scary our lives have become. A few weeks after my Tony died my dining room ceiling decided to collapse. I called a family member (in the building trade) to be told to call a plasterer in which I did. Had 2 days of 2 men (nice guys but strangers all the same) I didn’t know in my house whilst I was in a sea of grief fixing it. Said family member then came round once it was done and proceeded to tell me how I’d paid far too much and what was I thinking paying that price. I wanted to scream!
I’m so sorry you will not have your family around for your birthday and anniversary but am appalled that they didn’t think to ask you along. They won’t know what it’s like until it’s their turn sadly, I certainly didn’t but as I said earlier I will not be that person in the future. I don’t know where you live but if near me (not so sunny Clacton on Sea) I’d be happy to meet for coffee and a chat. Take care x

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Les2. I know what you mean. I have 2 dogs that are glued to me which I’m thankful for. My children are grown (2 of them still live with me) but they have their own lives and I’m conscious that they are grieving as well. I’m very happy in my own company - I don’t necessarily feel lonely but I feel very alone all the same. I asked my employer if I could work evenings as I couldn’t bear to be around people and they agreed. So I go in at 6pm when everyone else has gone and get on with my work til 10pm then come home. It fills the lonely evenings and I only have to deal with colleagues as they are packing up and on their way out. I just don’t have the patience to deal with people at the moment. I even stopped going to the supermarket and now get home delivery so I don’t have to see anyone. I hope in the future this will change but right now it’s just too damn painful seeing others x

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Thank you for saying I don’t sound bitter as that is the last thing I want to ever be x

I’m the same, It fillls me with dread seeing anyone and having to talk and getting emotional or seeing other people not know what to say. I have my brothers funeral soon and I’m dreading that for the fact seeing everyone. X

I think that about myself all the time too x

I really relate to this…
I lost my husband very suddenly and iI felt so raw going out to the supermarket for the first time…
Everything and everyone seemed to be on Volume 10!, and I couldn’t wait to scuttle home and have a good cry…
The shop assistant lad said “Have a nice day”!
How I hate that shallow American saying!
On the way home 2 neighbours scuttled into their homes.when they saw me. one even automatically locking the door of her car from her porch!
People tell you to ‘get out more’!
I never want to go out again…
Everything grates on me
You are incredibly brave retiurning to work…
I will have to soon.
It is a blessing you can work quietly in the evening…
I hope that in time our volume 10 lives will maybe reduce to a more mellow volume 6!
Keep slowly putting one foot in front of the other… Xx

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I’m in exactly the same place. Lost my wife of 33 years back in May. I’ve only just started venturing out but can totally concur about ‘friends’ getting on with their lives! However, tonight I’ve been invited over to a friends house for dinner. I’m excited, a little nervous and also sad that I can’t share the experience with my wife!

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I so relate , on one level it helps as I think they mean tap into your inner resources but on another level it feels like man up support yourself I have no time for you !!
I send u love be gentle on yourself cxxx

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i lost my wife linda 7 months agu after 52 years married some people dont know how lonely you can get i find evening the worst my family tell me to go out and find groups to join thats not what i want i just want someone to come and sit with me now and again i have a big family at first they came to see me but it soon tailed of now i have to nearly beg them to come

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I could have written this … I feel exactly the same !
Sending you love x

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hi alice you are lonely as well its hard isnt it what you upto

I could write exactly the same. Which doesn’t help you other than for you to know that I get where you are coming from. We were together from being 16 - he was 50 when he went out for a run and never came back. 6 months later I’m still waiting for the report to tell me why my life was altered beyond all recognition for ever. People keep telling me I’m strong and they don’t know how I keep going. I just reply that there isn’t really an option is there? Take care

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