@seychelles Yes I’m still going through them as there’s so many posts, it’s fascinating!! Wow that was definitely something with the coin & how unusual xx
Hi Emz yes it was so unusual. I hope i get more as am in a bad way tonight Cant stop crying . I just feel so guilty for phoning 999 the night my mum went into hosp. I wish i had waited until a few hrs later Maybe she would have been ok. Just hate myself for phoning the ambulance. I am hoping she will send me a sign to help me
Hope you are doing okish
Deborah x
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@seychelles Sorry haven’t been on. We’ve all been through the blame process believe me but it won’t change anything so don’t beat yourself up. My friend always tells me, when their time is up it was meant & sometimes I think maybe there is some truth in it?
Yes I do hope you have a sign because the one I had, the day after was the first time I didn’t cry since she’s gone (last November ) it was the only day but it gave me a peace for that day which I was so grateful for!
Hope you are feeling slightly better today?
My thoughts are with you xx
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Hi Emz
Thanks for replying. Yes am okish .
I am going to church tom morn bec they pray for my mam at the first service after the funeral. Prob is its 35 miles away and the service starts at 9.15am. I have to get up early and travel there.
Then I am going to go on the train to Cardiff which is another 70 miles away just for the evening. Will meet my husband up there who will already be up there as he is giving my son a lift to the airport tonight. It will be a huge change to go on the train as I can’t remember when i last went on the train as we usually take the car everywhere.
Got a few things done today so am pleased with myself. Have to at least try. It’s the little things that trigger me when I dont expect them to. Just wanting to phone my mam and tell her something. You know what I mean.
I don’t know whether to look for a part time job as I need something maybe in a year or two but at 64yrs I doubt anything is around. I don’t want a job that involves stress lol lol Is there such a thing lol lol
Deborah x
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@seychelles Yes I can’t remember the last time I was on a train, think it may have been with my partner many years ago when we were on holiday & it was a special steam train?
Know exactly what you mean about the little things triggering you, don’t think that will ever go away as there are so many memories that we’ll always have with our loved ones gone.
It’s nice when you achieve things, gives you some peace of mind as well.
Maybe it would be a good thing to get a part time job like you said, see and you may be lucky, ironically I’m starting a new job on Monday, I need a full time job but at the moment they can only take me on part time; I’m hoping it can occupy my mind somewhat although she’s never out of my mind & I’m always hoping I can hold it together as crying is a daily occurrence with me since she went.
I do hope all goes well for you tomorrow, take care xx
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Emz,
Thanks for replying I am now exhausted and in bed.Just checking this site.I am recovering from cancer so I think the job idea of mine was a flash in the pan idea lol.I worked full time for 35yrs so I have done my bit.I fancy setting up a small business of some sort such as a craft or hobby that I can do at home and maybe make some money from.I don’t want to be tied to a job at my age bec I want to start travelling again after I feel better.The idea of clearing off somewhere whenever I feel like it is a nice thought.Maybe I will get a campervan and travel around for weeks on end.I have no idea where my life will end up or what I will do but I am going to start thinking of a hobby of some kind that will make me some money.
My grief comes over me on waves. The sheer agony of it .The horrible feeling of despair knowing I will not see her again especially when I walk into her house.The emptiness of the house is overwhelming whereas it used to be so cosy and warm and inviting.She always sat in the same chair and I hate seeing it empty.I sit in it now so I am not facing it.
I feel so guilty about phoning 999 the morn she went into hosp.If only I had waited maybe she would have been ok.I am beating myself so much about that and feel responsible for her death.I am even crying writing about it.It will haunt me for ever
I will let you know how my train ride goes lol
Deborah x
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I’m so sorry to hear about your health. The hobby/job from home idea sounds a great idea, you could take it at your own pace then as well.
I started a new job today; because I desperately need money to pay the bills. I’m not ready to do this but I have to. I managed to keep it together & then when I was in the car on the way home & just burst out crying & couldn’t stop, I don’t want a future without her, struggling so much.
How did the train journey go?
Peace & love xx
I had another sign last night.
I was terribly upset all night with overwhelming grief and begged my mum to send me a sign.A few hours later my mobile phone stopped working .The screen was blank and I tried everything to get it working It was an old phone that I was still using and as I had recently bought a new one I hadn’t had enough time to work out how to use it so continued with the old one . Anyway it was totally blank which was odd.I remembered I had another old phone just like it somewhere in the house and thought that maybe the battery in that one would work so spent ages looking for it.Found it but it didn’t have a sim in it so I took the SIM out of the phone I was using popped it into the other phone charged the battery and waited. It worked so I thought great. As it was the same SIM I thought all my contacts and previous calls and messages would be the same but there was nothing saved on the phone stall. Then I checked the missed calls section and saw my mum’s phone number Aww I thought I had forgotten to delete it Then I tried ringing it Why I don’t know so immediately stopped Then I looked at the time of the missed call from her and couldn’t believe it It was literally a few minutes earlier but the phone had been in my hand the entire time and hadn’t rang.I went down to make a cuppa then returned to check the phone again but there was no record at all of the missed call.I thought I was going mad.I checked back loads of times but nothing.Then I remembered I had tried ringing it so went into call duration and it showed I had returned the call for 3 seconds even though the calls made section was blank.I know it was my mam.Then I put the SIM into the original phone I had in the beginning and the phone worked fine and has done all day.
I cannot think of what else this could have been
Deborah
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Emz
I didn’t make the train yest I had the most awful day yest and today with grief getting the better of me so didn’t go.
I am glad I didn’t bec I have never been so miserable in my whole life Just stayed in bed mostly for two days and have come to the realisation that if that’s what I have to do to help me do be it.
I am hoping tom will be better for me
Thinking of you
Deborahx
Hope today will be better for you xx
Hi Deborah please don’t beat yourself up the love for your mum comes through so strongly, I beat myself up for not getting him into hospital, but maybe that is how he wanted to go big hug I know that going into the empty house thing, it’s reality, they are no longer there, but they are elsewhere, it is the same as when they died, you can see they are no longer there, they are not in that body any more, it is plain to see big hug to you 
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Hi Emz
Still in the same awful place at the moment Emz.Cant crawl out of it.I have had waves of crying bouts all day. It’s been 6 weeks since mam passed and I miss her so much I could scream I just want to see her. I want to phone her.I want to take her places.I miss everything about her.
Nothing is helping me at the moment.I just don’t know what to do.I tried doing a few things today and even filled all the forms online for probate.It really upset me filling in the questions…The form was as expected so matter of fact eg date of birth date of death etc I was sobbing doing it but it’s done now and I sent it online.I just have to send the documentation tomorrow but my husband will do that for me. I have a sister and brother so had to photocopy everything for them as I will give them copies of everything in a few months time when the house is sold. It was all so distressing to do. I pray tom will be a little easier for me.Apologies if I am going on and on.Writing it all down helps me.
I haven’t been out of the house
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Hi Caroline
Thanks for replying
I know what you mean.
I feel I did what I thought was the right thing at the time with what I was faced with.If I hadn’t rang 999 I think my mum would have been worse as she was dehydrated.I will never truly know if I did the best thing.
Yes going into her house is tough but I shout out Hi mum it’s me when I go through the door still and that helps me. I put a photo up of her today in my lounge and it’s lovely.She seems to look at me wherever I am in the room and smiles at me .It is definitely comforting me .
How are you ?
Deborah x
I’m so sorry that is so hard the reality of forms and things is brutal but time takes you to a place that is closer in memory, closer together, it does come but very hard in the beginning thoughts are with you
Hi Deborah, I’m sure you did the best thing, otherwise you would be thinking why didn’t I? I was far away and he said he was going into hospital but he didn’t, stayed at home to die, so my mind is always why didn’t I go and make him go to hospital it tears me up all the time but maybe he knew what was happening and didn’t want that, he wanted to go on his own terms, he was an amazing man, I was so lucky to have what I had with him, I understand the rewriting history! I e been doing it over and over but he said to me ‘ when you have to go you have to go’ and maybe he is right, maybe hanging on and trying to keep him alive would have been hard, I only hope I have the same attitude, I love him, that doesn’t end
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You did the right thing you did the best for her at the time please don’t forget that, that was the best thing to do to care for her it is very hard going over these last times and we always go over it, I do! But you were making a good decision and imagine if you hadn’t it would be the same turmoil, should I have done this? Please be easy on yourself everything you did was caring for your mum and she would know that
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Hi Caroline,
Yes she knew I always did the right thing for her and she knew there was no way she could have stayed at home with being sick like she was. I am grateful I had 5 weeks almost with her so I told her so much and spent quality time with her 24/7. That can never be taken away from me.
I think because I am feeling unwell at the mo everything is a 1000 times worse. I am so hoping I will be better with this chest infection tom. I am sure it is because I feel so run down after coping and doing everything .
How are you managing to cope?
I am throwing myself into sorting my house out as we were on half redesigning it when all this happened and everywhere is a mess. So I am starting upstairs with our bedroom and having a new bed delivered in March so getting everything sorted for that will be my task for the time being. I have hardly left the house since mum passed and have got used now in staying in . I think I may have lost my confidence to go out but not sure. Everywhere reminds me of mum so I just want to get stronger in myself before venturing out.
One step at a time as they say but its still hard to do.
Thank you for your kind words
Deborah x
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Hi Deborah, it’s definitely one step at a time, there are still places I do not go and sometimes just want to be home alone with my thoughts and also have very friendly cat who always comes where I am 
I have projects and it’s good to do them, redecorated something, invited friends for a meal, I kind of push myself but also I like that time alone it’s like the world has changed but time definitely helps, all the time a good friend of mine whose husband died said to me to go through it, it feels never ending but the waves are waves, for me it is a process of adjustment to maybe a new kind of relationship as those I have loved feel so part of my life x
My son passed aged 27 years 2 weeks ago and we’ve had several signs that I’d like to think were him. First the day after we found him I was in bed with my husband. He’d rolled over to sleep, I was facing the other way but awake. The TV remote was placed in between our two pillows touching nothing. I saw a bright light behind me and turned over, expecting to see the landing light was turned on and hubby had gone to loo or whatever but it was the TV. It was switched on. Not on the usual firestick screen either. A black/grey screen. I woke husband up as I was a bit shaken. He told me I couldn’t have switched it off properly. We both went back to sleep but realised in the morning we hadn’t had the TV on that night at all.
My mobile phone literally flew off the arm of the couch and landed two feet away. No one near it, dogs in kitchen with me, husband (a disbeliever!) Sat on other end of couch. The arm of sofa slopes to left and right, it doesn’t slope to the front (the way it went) and phone is heavy in a substantial case. I’ve tried to replicate it but it drops like a stone. Doesn’t travel two feet! Have also had a few more but don’t want to ramble on too much.
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Don’t even think of this as rambling on. It is what this means to you and how you get faith and comfort in the signs you’re being sent. I’m not a believer in this sort of stuff but have had so many signs that could only be from my late wife that I now wonder. Take comfort in this and know he will always be there for you in some way. That is what I now believe, take care x
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