My husband died fourteen months ago and I was hoping I would be starting to see a little light at the end of the tunnel but not so. I constantly feel as though I have this silent scream inside my chest trying to burst out. Sometimes it does and I can’t believe it is actually coming from inside me. Does anybody else feel like this or is it just me?
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Hi Loobyloo2
I’m sorry that this is so hard, thank you for sharing. 
I’m sure a lot of people here will understand that feeling, and someone will be along to offer their support, but I just wanted to let you know that you have been heard and you are not alone.
Take good care, Rhi
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Hi @Loobyloo2
You’re not alone.
A lot of the time I have this ‘oh my god he’s dead’ scream inside my head which I keep stuffed in there. Holding it back all day at work and when other people are around.
When I’m on my own it sometimes just bursts through and I listen to this wailing wounded animal wondering who the hell that is. Where on earth are those sounds coming from? All I can do is let that woman sob until she can’t anymore and hope she finds a way through.
It’s so weird talking about myself in the third person but it’s how it feels and I guess my brain is trying to pretend it isn’t happening to me.
Like you I thought I would be finding my way by now. When I think rationally, I’m not any better but I’m not any worse, it’s just that as time goes on the outside world moves forward and expects you to have dusted yourself off my now. And yet I’m stuck back in August 2022 pretending I’m not. I’ve maybe just become a better actor.
All I can say to myself is that it should be hard. This is normal. There will be a way even if I can’t see it or don’t want to see it yet.
You’re not alone but I know that doesn’t always help.
X
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LoubieLou2 …Hello goodness knows what you have written is so true.I find myself wanting to just shout out for goodness sake he’s dead and nothing will be good again.It’s not a great feeling my luv
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Yes daily & I’m only 5 weeks in today 
. Like probably all of us our partners we are soulmates & meant to be .
If only grief wasn’t the price we had to pay for love 
Sending hugs xx
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I hear and agree with what your saying, im sobbing my heart out every evening as thats when i feel the isolation so much, i should be sitting with Jane talking about nothing much but just being in the presence of my soul mate instead im alone and wondering what the hell am i going to do and when i start sobbing i wonder where some of the noises are coming from, its like the pain inside has its own voice that comes out when im crying and it feels like my chest will burst at any moment
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I know what you mean sat with my daughter now ‘watching ‘ tv but inside I’m screaming so loud & feel like I need to let it out x
Hi Loobyloo
I found putting my head into a pillow or cushion was helpful and I would scream and scream. I muffled it so that my neighbours didn’t think I was being murdered. The sound that comes out can be a wailing and it is the sound of intense pain and very strange. I have also stood at the far end of a deserted beach and screamed out his name. It is a release.
xx
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I’m nearly 7 months in and although at times I’m doing better, it sometimes just hits you. I feel really restless with my grief today. As you say a silent scream. It’s so awful. I know the only thing I can do is let it pass. Usually going to bed and shedding a few years and I’m ok to go on again.
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Hi @Pattidot when does this nightmare start to get better. I know I’m still in the early throes of grief or so I’m told (fourteen months) but I thought I might start to feel some relief but I don’t. I normally do my screaming in the car. I still have that heavy weight on my chest and still can’t sleep or eat properly. I know I shouldn’t say this but I hate my life now.X
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Me too. I’m only 38 but I don’t want to really live past 65. That will be unbearable. My mum is 81 and keeps saying she is too young to die. I’m just filled with horror that I might live another 50 years.
I’m so sorry this is still so hard for you
This fills me with dread I’m only just over 5 weeks in & the thought of another day feeling like this is bad enough another 13 months .
They say when it’s your time , it’s your time but why can’t I follow my husband soon , if you were ‘one’ like we were why can’t it just be my time xxx
Good in your lovely mum for feeling that way , but oh my I can’t think of living a year without my beloved Bry. I just want fate to play it’s part & rid me of this everlasting heartbreak xxx
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@PollyjaneW I remember counting the weeks at first and then the weeks turned into months and then you’re at a year and so on. I can’t believe I haven’t seen, or touched or spoken to my lovely husband for so long. It breaks my heart. Every day is a chore. I miss him so much. I don’t think I’ll ever stop missing him. How could I? He was the love of my life.x
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I know what you mean . I don’t want to stop missing Bry whilst I’m on this planet as like you he was my love, best friend , soulmate. I just need the pain I’m feeling right now to ease slightly as it’s unbearable xxx
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Hi @PollyjaneW I’ve spent time with family today. The weekends can be so depressing on your own so it has made a long and lonely day a lot better. I’ll probably spend some time with them again tomorrow. I hope it hasn’t been too excrutiating for you? Sending a hug your way.x
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Hey @Loobyloo2
I’ve had 2 friends with me since 7 talked and watched tv xx
Hope you are doing ok & sending hugs xx
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Hi Pollyjane
You are only a few weeks into your loss and it is expected to feel so lost and alone.
When I first joined this forum I remember this subject coming up (as it does constantly) and someone wrote that it wasn’t that we wanted to die we just wanted this terrible pain to go. Everytime I felt desperate I remembered those words. I now know that there is no way I wanted my life to come to an end I just wanted the misery to go away and to learn to accept my life as it is now. If you give yourself the time to grieve then you will feel differently. You will never stop loving but the grief is manageable and the pain not so intense. I visited the place where my husbands ashes are scattered this morning as I walked my dogs and there was some tears as I talked to him but the desperation isn’t there anymore and I do know that the love I feel for him is as intense as ever and this is what I hang onto.
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Hi Loobyloo
I don’t think there is any timescale on grieving and it depends on the person. Some days will feel better than others. Some days rubbish. I do believe that the rubbish days become less and less and I know with myself I began to feel that the terrible weight I was carrying around started to lift. I also decided to make the best of my life and to be grateful with what I had and not dwell on what I had lost. It seems to be an ongoing process I’m afraid.
Pat
xx
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@Pattidot thank you for your kind words. I just feel so desperate. I miss him so much. The tears are starting to flow as I’m writing this. I just can’t see how I can have any kind of a decent life without him in it. My head is all over the place. I still go over the what ifs and if only and it tears me apart. I just can’t get these thoughts out of my head. I want to move forward but just finding it really hard.x
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