I am sitting on my own and blowing kisses in the direction my beloved husband should sit. I am searching for his hand to hold but there is only a small pillow. I am afraid of the future and just thinking that there are months and even years to come like this makes me sick. They say that nothing happens without a reason - but where is a good reason to take our beloved partners? I planned so much for the weekend (cleaning etc) and now I am sitting here, feeling sorry for myself, and crying again. It is three months and thirteen days since he passed away and the nightmare continues. My birthday is coming up in August and I will be 63 but I feel already like I am much older and broken. Is there any hope left that it will be getting easier?
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I feel the same…also just over 4 months since I lost my soulmate and it is getting worse. If I think beyond a couple of days I start panicking…so have to stop. But I know the future is still there and I will have to negotiate it one way or another. I also kep planning jobs then end up not doing them…I really feel like I’m treading water, but the tide is rising…and I’m getting weary. Lots of love to you.
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My dear @Annaessex - my heart goes out to you, my friend. I know how you are feeling, crikey - I have walked where you are walking and have sat in a similar situation regarding trying to find a certain person’s hand to hold - with no success. For me, it was on take-off, as the plane hurtles down the runway. I would always reach for Tom’s hand for a squeeze and he would always, always oblige. Not any more - for he has been gone 16 months. You are very early on in grief - three months and thirteen days is so new to it, so raw, so hard. I know. I was wading through grief, death admin, Tom’s business failing, a major property redevelopment to lead and loads of other stuff at three months in. I would spend long, sleepless nights, calling out to him to come back, begging him to come home, my heart bursting with sadness and pain. I couldn’t sleep, I couldn’t breathe, I couldn’t think. I waded on, each day hard, each moment a battle. And then, as the hours, days, weeks and months passed, I starting to feel better, to feel that bit stronger. I returned to our place in France. The business went to new owners. The property development was completed and the flat should be sold by early July. My life is not so much box ticking admin now - but I am still clearing corners and taking stuff to the charity shop - ahead of moving home soon. What I am trying to say, probably badly, is that, bit by bit, slowly, things do get easier to manage, easier to bear. I am now accustomed to it - but that does not mean I don’t love or miss Tom any less - it is just not that crushing, ghastly grief that stalks us in those early months. Oddly, grief itself is a strange part of the healing process. It takes us to places we would rather never see - but in the seeing - we learn new things about ourselves, our strength, our guts, our resilience. These are all positive things. Your birthday is coming - that is one of the “firsts” to face but something tells me you will get through it ok. The anticipation is always worse than the actual event, I have found. You are older through the grief but not broken, my friend. You are stronger than you know or think, or may dare to dream. But you are. Hold tight, keep wading, keep walking forward. The future is there waiting and, as it has been for me, it just may be a lot better than you think it will be from where you are now. Keep walking towards it, my friend. Keep posting - your friends here have got you x
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Dear Annaessex
Yes, life does become easier. We learn to navigate through the pain and misery and even laugh again. Wise words indeed from Vancouver and there is not much else I can add. We have all been where you are now. Staring into space and not seeing anything but our grief. I would say never look to the future but take each day and let life come to you. When you are ready you will slowly start to pick up the pieces.
Try writing the jobs down and tick off each one when completed. I would then feel suitably pleased with myself I used to write everything down that I did in one day just to prove to myself that I was still in the land of the living.
Take care xx
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Who says nothing happens without a reason? Its nonsense! We have enough on our plates without trying to make sense out of nonsense.
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@Annaessex the loneliness is unbearable isn’t it? Today I have done a few jobs around the house but mostly I’ve stayed in bed scrolling on my phone, crying. It’s really a horrible life we now find ourselves living. I just cling to the hope that like @Vancouver says we are able to cope better with time. Because right now I can’t imagine that. Sending hugs.
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That’s exactly how I feel , feel like I’ve aged at least 10 years overnight. I feel useless & vulnerable & I hate it so much . I’ve asked & asked to come and get me as soon as , as it’s unbearable us all having to feel like this. I’m sure some friends , after 9 weeks , that I’m ok. Maybe I e just got better at putting a face on I don’t know 
xxxxx
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hold tight, @PollyjaneW - it is so hard, I know. 9 weeks is a long time and yet at the same time, no time. All so raw and so hard. Keep going, and give yourself a hug and some chocolate. I find chocolate helps x
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@Vancouver Your post made me smile & want to cry at the same time! I’m a terrible flyer! On take off, my Martin knew to take my hand until we were up and safe; nothing fazed him, me on the other hand, a big baby.
I think that’s what I miss the most; I always felt so safe and secure in life, I knew my other half was a car drive, plane ride or room away. That awful feeling of being no one’s special other & generally feeling so alone and lost in this world is simply soul destroying.
I can remember having to give blood ( last time I was at my GP was over 5 years ago!) I am so terrified of needles! The lovely Nurse tried her best, but I was sobbing like a crazy person! She asked who I was with, I informed her my husband was in the waiting room; well, my Martin came in knelt in front of me, telling what a brave girl I was, whilst wiping tears off my face, the Nurse got her blood.
I think the only people who can possibly understand the dept of our grief, are all the lovely people on this site. It’s not just losing a person, it’s losing everything & trying to navigate our way back to a world that we don’t recognise anymore.
Big hugs
Dottie x🌹
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@Dottie72 - I know exactly what you mean. Tom was my go-to person, my wingman, my best friend, the person who knew me best, the one who totally accepted and loved me for who and what I am.
You and me, and all our friends here, we will find our way through this, we will find our way home. For us, the best part of all is that Martin and Tom will be waiting to welcome us, waiting to take our hands in theirs once again. That is what we walk, wade, stagger, crawl towards, as we go forward in grief. Hold tight, keep going, know you are loved loads and that you have friends on here who understand x
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xxIm the same … plan jobs and dont do them 
just had a good old cry in the garden.miss him cuddling me and just actually loving me … one of things that made me cry a lot at beginning was not having him sitting next to me in the car ! We did a lot of driving together xx
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@Deb5 and everyone. I too sat in the garden and cried this evening. I do wanted my darling Pete to be sat there with me. Its 7 weeks since he passed, 8 since his cardiac arrest and i just want him here with me. The pain and sorrow are as acute as the early days today. I am doing things, seeing people, but today i felt back to square one asking why and feeling so sad and overwhelmed. Love to everyone feeling this enormous pain too.
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Me too. Been crying loads today. Just missing my darling husband and can’t come terms with never seeing him again. I hate the weekends, they are the worst 
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Yeh they’re long arent they ? I think its cos people are off doing their own thing ! People are so selfish arent they ? It doesnt occur to them that its hard for you after your husband has passed ! No course it doesnt ! Its me, me ,me! That’s the sort of world we live in now xxx x
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@Deb5 they just seem to compound the grief. Yeah I think you’re right, some people are selfish. Too busy with their own lives to give us a second thought. Or at least that’s how it feels sometimes. Sending hugs.
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I feel the same as everyone on this thread. A lot of us started our journey together and we all mostly feel the same with losing our soulmates and having to face that we will never see them again. Being in denial and missing our partners and feeling lonely. This life is definitely unfair and so cruel. I cry every day and often shout and scream in the car when driving. Why why did it have to happen to our lovely partners and to us. Will never understand. Hopefully there will be a glimmer of hope in the future but can’t see it for a very long time. Love to you all Xx
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Yep … i think sometimes you block it out dont you and.then it just hits you ? Like a bloody ton of bricks !! Xxx
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@Vancouver As always your posts gives hope and strength to those a little behind you on this road. 17 weeks for me now, and in the first few weeks when I came on this site I read your posts and couldn’t see how I was going to get through it. But there are lighter days now when my grief is a little gentler, I still have wobbles and ambushes, but I am not broken, I am badly wounded and I am healing. We all have each other here, and with patience, time and support, I know i’ll get there. Thank you for leading the way xxx
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