Six months and this is what I know

It has been six months now and the reality has set in that David has gone and this is my new life. It has been so sad to see that people you thought would support you can’t seem to deal with your grief and think that you should be better now. I am sick of people that haven’t lost anyone they loved telling me they know how I must feel and others avoiding me since my husband died. I have been thankful for those friends that have stuck by me and let me grieve and understood that.
I have accepted that each day will be full of emotions ranging from deep despair to hopeful optimism which can change throughout the day constantly and yes I have felt like I am losing the plot sometimes. I know I had such great years with David and he was my best friend and that no amount of activities and effort to keep busy will fill that gap, it just makes you exhausted and depressed. I know I am taking one day at a time and that I can’t go back ,but I’m not ready to go forward and I’m not sure if I know how yet. I know death is part of this life and that I must accept losing David and try and find some meaning and joy in life or I won’t want to stay. I know that I do have things in my life that bring me joy and I need to have gratitude for these. I know I am thankful for this site and for the posts that people have written and that it has been a place that I have been able to come for respite. I know that everyone on here understands and I know we must be kind to ourselves x

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Hello
So sorry for your loss
Made me cry when I read what you put
So heartbreaking for us all
Not sure what we have to do or how we carry on
Love to you all x

Dear Trac
That is it ! You said it all
As time passes it doesn’t feel so raw but it does remain painful
Take care
Sadie x

Hi @Debbie55 - I’m sorry for your loss- Its such a hard path isn’t it. Take care x

Hi @Sadsadie- sorry for your loss — I don’t cry everyday any more and I think acceptance comes but the pain remains. Take care too x

My wife passed away last June
I am unfortunately able to mirror if not echo your entry and if I could I would sit, talk, and in some way, truly empathize. Although if you’re like me, that’s not what I would want now. Except the opportunity to get emotional relief by being able to express the feelings probably would.
Virtual hug and best wishes as best I can.

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Hi @Colin- Im sorry to see you lost your wife at a similar time to when I lost David. Time is a funny thing --sometimes it seems like only a month ago that David was here and other times a year. I was hoping I would be more in control of my feelings by now but this grief is tricky. Take care x

Dear Trac,

I am so terribly sorry for what you have been through and what you are still going through and I know exactly how you feel as it is six long years for me since my Peter died, we had been married 47 years and 50 years together.

I went through the same thing as you, still am going through them. Every single one of my friends from the 1960’s still have their husbands but they have no idea as to what it is like being left alone after so many years of being with someone from being teenagers, falling in love and getting married.

From the sad day our sons brought home Peter’s ashes, I knew my life would be so different from what I had known. He was no longer here to turn to if something went wrong, he wasn’t here when something broke down or when the home insurances were due so I had to learn to do it on my own, but learn I did.

Six years down the line and I am stronger than I ever was, I have found I don’t need help in doing anything, I can sort it out on my own, I don’t even ask our sons for help even though they offer because I can do it on my own, I have all the time in the world to do these things. The one thing I was so worried about was Peter going into the past and making memories without him but he hasn’t gone into the past, I talk about him and think about him every single day, the new memories I have made are with our family and when we are all together we talk about him all the time. Even our little grandson who was born after Peter died knows who Granddad Peter is because our son and daughter in law have made sure of it, they have his picture in a frame and a photo album of all the photos we have taken over the years
he has even been named after Peter,. So when he sees a photo of Peter in my home he points and says Granddad Peter.

I know things will always be the same as they are now but I am grateful for having the love of our children and grandchildren, a lovely home and a comfortable lifestyle and for that I thank Peter every single day because if we had not met all those years ago, my life would have been so different and I know for sure it would never have been a better life, it could not have been a better life, I had the best life ever with my Peter.

It is a long sad road we are all on but I look at it this way, we are not alone on this journey, so many people have lost the love of their lives, children, parents etc. but somehow get through it. I just thank God I was lucky enough to have found my soulmate, not many people do.

Please take care and keep safe.

Sheila (Lonely)xxx

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Hi Sheila – Thanks for your post --I am getting stronger and dealing with things myself more and you inspire me to be more independent and appreciate the years I had with David. Its hard to move forward as its accepting that life cant be as it was and that’s so hard. How lovely that your Grandson is named after your Peter- children bring such joy. Take Care x

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Hi Trac.
You have said a truthful reality about friends and family.
The sad situations we have to face and realise that our partner is not coming back.
I would recall your words on the days i feel down that “there are things in life that bring joy”.
I am behind in this road i am sitting most days feeling lost and waiting without moving thinking everything and nothing.
Take care xx

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Trac many Thanks for the reply.
Emotional rollercoaster ride, I am a neither glass half empty or full guy, I have become an appreciate of being alive, ofwaking up to another breath, of being able to go to bed.
I ought to point out that I work a 4 night shift each week, it used to be 5. (Taxed now as a single person costs me the 5th shift in tax).
I occasionally help at a charity shop or I am rattling a bucket at a supermarket for British Heart foundation, or cancer research.
I have long had an open and active relationship to life. As being depressed or sad, or morbid is to much negative effort. The best coping mechanisms are to talk, be positive in view, and accept that Helen may not be physically with us, but if she is with us spiritually then she would want us to be happy, and when possible healthy and fit.
Your smile, could raise hope and the spirits of a person who at that moment needed a lift.
Yes on occasions I cry, I reflect, some memories are not always good, but as Dorothy says tomorrow is another day. Or in Helens case, don’t put your mucky boots on this floor

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Dear Trac,

Thank you for your reply.

Yes it is now all about getting on with a different kind of life, it will never be the life we want but we don’t have any other option.

Take care.

Love

Sheila (Lonely)

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It’s 29 weeks since My darling Ken left me. Your description of how you feel echos how I am feeling.
Surprisingly my siblings have no idea how to to talk, support or help me. They don’t ask how I am, they want to distract me in their conversation. Only close friends ask, only close friends seem to care. Only my wonderful sons know how I feel.
I think of and miss Ken every second of every minute
of every day. I cannot believe that my life will continue without him. Our plans and dreams suddenly ceased to exist.
However, this wonderful site provides me with reassurance that my feelings are not mine alone and I am not alone in my grieving.

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Hello
So sorry For you loss
It so heartbreaking for us all
My 2 sons text there dad when he was first taken in hospital
Telling him to fight has they wanted him back home
Day later he was in a coma and on a ventilator
He never came round so really hard for us all
Take care xx

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Hi Davi -I have a list of things that bring me joy and when I feel low I try and do something on the list even if its just looking at the beauty of the birds or my dog or going for a walk in nature. I am learning to manage my new life and of course I still have total meltdowns but I am getting more resilient. Take care of yourself x

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Thanks for you lovely post Colin–I have read it a few times and I see you are a caring person trying to help others and honour Helen. I too know David would want me to be happy and I have the capability to help others so your post has made me think. x

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Hi Trac
I understand what you say
I too have a list - things that I enjoy doing but when I am low I forget about them
Ore surviving better doesn’t mean we don’t grieve or have meltdowns just mean ms that by living well we honour the person we lost, we keep their memory alive by talking about him and I truly believe that Jack is with me
Take care
Sadie x

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Hi all. I’m here because I’ve nowhere else to go with my grief. I lost my wife last May to cancer and my life has been a void ever since. We were married for 47 years but together for more than 50. We have a daughter and 2 wonderful grandkids. On the face of it I’m better off than some as my daughter and grandkids lives locally and they are in my “bubble”. All the places you look for help say the same thing - “talk about your loss”. Problem with that is, if I talk to my daughter we both end up in tears and I hate myself for doing that to her. I feel the pain of grief every day and I can’t face doing anything. I even get upset when I see a photo of my wife on a shelf or hear a song that we both loved, My youngest grandson (13) was a definite “Grannies boy” but he has been a tremendous support to me and I see him every other day. Trouble with that is, when he goes home I get upset about my wife not being able to enjoy him anymore - it just breaks my heart. The house is pretty much as it was when she left us, her clothes, make up and all her things are as they were - I can’t bear to touch them. My daughter has her ashes and I can’t even think about what to do about that. I know there is no easy way through this and everyone says that time is a great healer but, at the moment - 7 months on, I am as grief laden now as I was last May.

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Dear @Trac,
I just reached the 29th week marking the loss of my wife, and I think I am going backward rather than forward. I talk to her during the day, and before I go to sleep at night. I pray that each night I go to sleep that it will be my last on this earth. When I do things during the day or think about doing things, it is always with my wife in mind - how we used to do things together and will never be able to to those things again. My thoughts just give me an intense feeling of emptiness and hopelessness, and make me wonder why on earth I should even bother trying to continue (I just burst into tears as I’m writing this). I used to work away from home every week, but stopped working in 2009 because of my wife’s health conditions. We spent all of the following 11 years (exactly, strangely enough) together and my wife was the centre of my universe, the reason for me to get up every day, the reason for me to be alive. She passed on my 64th birthday and she was such an integral part of my being that I feel am not even 10% of the person I was. We have no children, my parents, brother and nieces live 150 miles away. I look at life ahead of me and it has nothing to offer me - my wife was my entire life. The things that I used to enjoy (motorcycles, music, travelling, computers) no longer hold any real interest for me now, they’re just short-term distractions to try to get me through each day. Some of my aunts and uncles lived into their mid-90s, but I know I will not have a long life - I have no desire for such. I don’t want to have another Christmas and New Year alone without my wife. I will be severely disappointed if I am still on this earth in 2 years time. I wrestle with my thoughts and feelings each and every day and am slowly coming to a realisation of how I want things to work out. My wife was my reason for living, but now I just endure a tortuous existence. Fortunately my wife and I both believe in an afterlife, and nothing would make me happier than to join her.

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Dear Alston56

I concur 100%. There is absolutely nothing left for me in this world and I have absolutely no desire to be here whatsoever. I pray for what it’s worth every single day seven day’s a week and have done for over three year’s now to kick the bucket and be with my wife.

My wife is in a better place than I am and other than keeping myself clean I have no interest in anything else other than to join my wife, there is no point in me being here in this God forsaken world. I’ve begged and pleaded and offered to do a deal with the devil to be reunited with my wife but to no avail. All I can say to myself is my day will come, although I know not when.

The only respite I ever get is when I’m asleep or being distracted. I never knew my life would end like this.

My thoughts are with you,

B.

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