Dear Trac, so sorry for your loss. Your post is so true, and completely mirrors my own experience. I would just need to change the six to an eight. My husband was David too and is still hugely missed, I felt like we were best friends and a good team after 37 years together.
Trying everyday to be grateful for the live and love that I have.
With you all the way.
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I so wish I had the answers -we are all in so much pain and this grief is so consuming. I had 30 years with David and I was so lucky to have that time with him, unfortunately we all seem to have to have bad times as well as good times in this life. Would I give up the years with David to save on this grief —the answer is no and if we get that chance of great love we are so lucky but yes we do suffer so much when they go. I am glad that I was able to care for David and be there for him when he passed and that he isn’t the one left behind in this pain but I feel sorry for myself and all of us left behind to try and carry on. I am trying to take each day as it comes and doing something each day that brings me peace and talking to you and crying with you and being here for each other in this group is something I am so thankful for -sending strength and love x
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@Debbie55 having to deal with birthdays and anniversaries just heap additional grief on someone who is already struggling. I hope you can get through your husband’s birthday without too much pain
Dear Dal27–we seem to have a similar story -I do try and be grateful for the small things but gosh its such a hole in our life isn’t it. I walk my dog every day and just think about things --some days I just think how can someone be here one day and gone the next and have a good cry but the grief has to come out I think. I am tying to find myself and learn to be alone and somehow find my way. Take care
Dear Trac, it is indeed a very large hole in our lives. I have found it quite overwhelming since New Year and have shed so many tears. I didn’t think it was possible to cry so much. But, like you I feel it needs to come out. Working and dog walking definitely help , but the grief is exhausting. I cannot yet look too far ahead, small step for me at the moment.
Hi Sheila (lonely). Thanks for taking the time to reply to my original posting. Every one says “time is a great healer” but how much time? In your case it’s been 6 years and you still feel the hollow ache in your stomach when reminded of the smallest thing. What about talking it out with others? Did you do a lot of that? Who with? Does it help? People say that eventually life will resume with some kind of acceptance - at the moment I can never see that happening. Does it mean that you don’t think of your Peter as often? It obviously still hurts when you do and that’s where my dread of the future kicks in. At the moment there are spells in the day when I don’t think of Anne, but when I do, it hurts badly. Will a time come when I can think of her without crying? Good of you to share your feelings.
Regards
Bill
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Hi Sheila. Your words are helping me and I thank you for that.
It’s the loneliness and feeling of nothing having any point that leads to an aching hopelessness and dread of another day without her.
We met at school badminton and it was an instant attraction that lasted a lifetime. Many of the photos around the house are more recent, at weddings and birthdays and so on, but I still have photograph of her in badminton whites when we both played for the school ( we both had dark hair then!!).
I really admire the way you have learned to cope and talk to Peter before bed and in the morning - I like that. Anne left instructions with my sister to have a photo of us that we had taken on our last holiday to Portugal to be framed and given to me after she left us. That photo has been in a bag unopened for the last 6 months. I couldn’t bear to look at it, because I knew what would happen. I had a little too much wine last Saturday evening and decided to take the photo out of the bag and put it on my bedside table. Wow, was that a mistake. I sat on the edge of the bed and howled like a baby for half an hour. Perhaps in time, I can be as strong as you and wake up each morning and look at her without wanting to cry - as you’ve managed to do with you and Peter.
I’ve talked to my Doctor about how I feel and he thinks I might be “stuck” in one of the stages of grief and suggested I tried to contact a bereavement counselor and strongly advised me to find someone I can talk to. Sheila, your wise and encouraging words have definitely helped me because you really understand what I’m going through. Would you mind if we continue to chat on this Forum? Belated Happy Birthday, you’re 5 years ahead of me!
Kind regards
Bill
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Hi Bill
I think when they talk about acceptance it just means that we accept that our loved ones won’t come back. We accept that our lives have changed for ever. It doesn’t matter how much we cry, how much we hurt, our loved one doesn’t come back.
Acceptance doesn’t mean we don’t think about them
Acceptance means we learn to dance around this huge void inside us
Jack died in October 2018 - if anything I think about him more now that when it first happened! I think when it first happened it was so painful that I was numb - I still feel frozen inside me - and I think about Jack all the time - I talk to him and often I feel his presence
It is just an awful experience and grieving is hard work
A book I read said that grief is part of love. We live and love someone knowing that one day we will be apart but we still love and when the time come and we are apart we still remain loving
Sadie x
Sadie, thank you for taking the time to reply. I’ve just written a reply to Sheila (lonely) so I will not repeat it here. I think this Forum will help me because you all understand what it feels like and in some cases have reached that stage of acceptance. I know it’s sounds a bit arrogant but at the moment I can’t see that ever happening to me but you guys are a lot further down the road than me. Thanks again
Regards
Bill
What an articulate post. Those first few weeks it feels as though everyone wants to help…or find out what happened, and then nothing. Everyone seems to carry on, but you remain, stuck, lost, unsure how to carry on. The most overused phrase on the planet is “I know how you feel”. Truth is we can never know how another person feels about anything! Treasure those real friends who can just sit and ‘be’ with you in those dark times. They pull us through. Sending love and light, Kathy.
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Kayt
Wow that hit the spot so bloody true
Pisses me off when people say I know how you feel
And they are standing there with there husband
I think really but I am to soft to tell them
What I really think
One off my so called family members said to me well at least Andy left you with a little money really
I wanted to slap her really did I would give anything
To have my husband back as so would everyone else that’s on this site
Take care xx
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Dear Trac (and everybody in this conversation) l just wanted to share my own experience in the hope that it helps, as you are all helping me. Bob died in November, suddenly, but l had been caring for him for four years as he grew sicker and frailer. We were together since meeting at 16 and 19, we helped each other grow up… I miss him terribly but have a photo with a candle burning beside it, and l talk to him, which helps a bit, sometimes… I think the shock, the readjusting, is so profound it shakes you to your core. I was so lucky to share our years together, our three sons, grandson, and all the adventures and l am trying to let myself flow along with the passing time, to accept that life (and death) are mysteries… And to capture moments of joy and optimism when they come, they are just as real as the loneliness and grief. Sue Ryder foundation has been wonderful to me and l’m so grateful. Much love xxxxx
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Hi Sheila, thanks for taking the time to share your feelings after all this time. I am just starting this painful journey and in some ways the description of how you feel now fills me with dread as I can’t imagine feeling like this for the next 6 years. Having said that, you have helped me understand a little better that how I feel is shared by others.
I once saw a quote about someone describing losing their wife of many years where he said “he was missing someone to do nothing with” and I understand that. I’m sitting in my living room on “chair” next to an empty chair where Anne would sit. We wouldn’t necessarily be chatting all the time but I absolutely understand what the man said about having someone to do nothing with. The room is just so empty, as is the rest of the house where I would expect her to be.
It’s coming up to Valentines Day and we still swapped cards after all these years. Also, our wedding anniversary is on the 16 Feb. It was snowing when we got married and it’s snowing now.
Do your grandchildren live nearby? I don’t know what I’d have done without mine (especially) as well as the support of my daughter and sister.
Can we keep in touch - maybe share some more memories?
Regards
Bill
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Hi Kayt–I think people don’t know what to say that haven’t experienced loss - I have had a few people that still have their partner say they can imagine how I feel and they wouldn’t cope as well as me if they lost their partner. They don’t realize the devastation of the loss and how could they–we don’t know how other people are feeling.
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Hi Demelza—Im sorry for your loss .Each day I try hard to find some joy and hope --simple things like walking my dog, noticing nature, just having a chat with someone and you are right they are just as real. It is such an emotional time and hopefully we will get better at managing as time passes. I appreciate the times when i am able to find some joy and when I feel the low moments I try to be kind to myself and sit quietly or come to this site which Im also grateful for --take care x
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I also cringe when people say they know how I feel - I tell them straight away that they don’t !!
Also amazes me how insensitive people can be - my ex son-in-law law told me that I was lucky because at least I got the house !!!
As it is 27 months since Jack died there were a couple people that said to me : ohh you will find someone else!!! What??? Even if it was the case is none of their business!! How can people say this sort of things when they know there is so much pain within me!!!
Good to vent!!
Sadie x
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Dear Sheila
I welcome your posts. We were married in 1982 and I too have all those keepsakes. Also me and Ian used to hide messages in birthday cards. My birthday was a short while after his death - the pain of knowing that I would never again receive a card and hidden message was unbearable. I asked people not to send me anything. I do not know if I can ever celebrate a birthday again.
Like yourself I know that I will miss Ian until I die. There is a short message I have seen which reads “healing from your death will take me a life-time” and I believe for me this is so true. I am sick of people not in my position telling me otherwise to the point that I am considering getting it as a tattoo - I hate tattoos and have a fear of needles - but I think it sums up my feelings totally. My son thinks I have lost the plot - not the case just the love of my life and I so desperately wish he was still at my side.
Thanks for posting and sharing.
Take care
Sheila
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Sadie
Some people are idiots
Can’t believe what some people and family’s
Have to say wished they just keep quiet
They haven’t got a clue
Take care xx
Dear Debbie
I sometimes wonder if people ever reflect on what they have said so give them another chance. However, I now avoid those who continue with insensitive comments. Like Sadie I have told one or two that their comments are not helping and they no longer keep in touch.
My Ian was a much more forgiving person and I am sure he is looking down and tutting at me, but some of the remarks have been totally disrespectful and grossly insensitive and left me in tears. Again it is a matter of doing what is right for us.
Take care.
Debbie55, yes, in an attempt at empathy, or perhaps to make us feel better, people inadvertently make it worse. I try to remind myself that it’s unintentional, however grief has reduced my tolerance!