I’m so tired, but as soon as I put my head on the pillow, I can’t stop crying, & thinking of him! I can’t eat, I try, but I just can’t keep anything down! I feel sick every time I remember that I’m not going to see him again. In public, people think you’re coping quite well, but as soon as I shut the front door, there it is, the pain, the devastation, the heartache! It’ll be 2 weeks tomorrow that I lost my soul mate, so I know it’s still early days, and baby steps, and time will make the pain fade, but I know he’d be playing hell with me for not looking after myself properly, it’s just so very, very hard! Whilst suicide is just not on my radar, it’s the first time I’ve ever considered it an option, I’d never, ever, do it, he’d kill me (
), but carrying on without him just seems so bleak!
Hi @Chick
I am so sorry for your loss. You’re right. It is very early days and it is awful. Just awful.
9 months on I’m not going to pretend that Iife is wonderful but I cope more than I don’t and I can find moments of joy I never thought I would.
What I keep telling myself is that it absolutely should be this hard. Why would it not be? So I leant in and continue to lean in. Everything you feel is a normal reaction to a terrible situation. It will slowly get a wee bit more bearable. Please continue to reach out.
Xx
Thank you. My condolences on your loss. Messages like yours at least give me hope! I have to think carrying on is my legacy to him!
Hi @Chick
Like you, I’ve had those feelings where there just seems no point. But my husband would be so appalled at the idea of suicide. His mantra was ‘while I breathe I hope’ and I hang onto that. You might feel it is just an existence for a while but that’s ok. The absolute worst has already happened. There’s a power to be found somewhere in all of this.
When you’re ready there are some good resources out there which helped me.
- The Grief Channel on you tube has lots of useful videos on various topics. A really great resource.
-Read a bit about continuing bonds theory. It’s much more helpful than those stages of grieving .
-For sleeping, I play podcasts. I’m working through the ‘This American Life’ archive at thd moment.
-Distraction…sometimes you just need a break. Dont feel guilty about it. Binge watch some old crappy sitcom or rubbish on you tube. Any old brainrot will do. - walking & nature. On my own a lot but if I’m meeting anyone I try to make it a walk. It’s just less intense and easier to talk for me.
- at those real breaking points Cruse scotland has an online chat function. I find it really hard to speak but type I can do! It can be such a help in the moment.
And of course reach out here. You’re not alone. There are some very wise people on here all at very different stages.
Sending you a big hug
Xx
Thank you.
@Chick . I feel exactly the same and struggle to eat unless its put in front of me. I don’t fancy anything. Like you pepple think o am doing well. I am 8 weeks in and it is marginally better than 2 weeks and there have been times i enjoyed myself with children and grandchildren. I still cry when i return home to an empty house though. Sending love and hope everyone on here will enjoy better times.
@Chick, I’m so sorry you find yourself here. As @Stillhiswife stated, the early days are just the most horrific, heartbreaking time. I’m just over 9 months down this awful road. I was just like you; I actually couldn’t physically speak to anyone without throwing up, I remember being on phone and just hanging up and running to the bathroom. It is just horrendous…
also, going days without eating…
These days do pass, not going to lie to you, it’s not easy, but you will get there. I miss my husband so, so much and that will never change, but you do find specks of light along the way.
This site is amazing, you will always be supported here…
Big hugs
Dottie x❤️
I am finding this forum extremely helpful. I find it easier to type the words rather than saying them, saying them out loud makes it more real somehow. Having to make all the phone calls, and repeating it over and over again was so, so hard! Thank goodness some can be done online these days, I avoided at least 5 calls this way. I will be forever grateful for the 22 wonderful years we had together. I hope everyone finds some peace, myself included, at some point in the future! X
@Chick
The early days are horrific so please be kind to yourself, accept any help or company.
I’m 3 months in and although I miss my other half dreadfully, I am living a life. I owe it to my partner to live my life as he couldn’t live his. But right now for you, it’s properly all too early to comprehend. Take life one minute, hour at a time x
Hi, so sorry for your loss. I’m 8 weeks into loosing my husband, and I felt like that at first. Couldn’t eat/sleep, and yes that realisation that he is not coming back still hits and like you I cannot believe it. I wonder if it will always feel like that. I’m eating slightly better now but can’t concentrate on anything and am tired all the time. I’ve just been into Asda (first time on my own without my daughter) to get something and bumped into someone we knew but they did not know. I burst into tears in Asda. I thought I was doing ok and probably am. But do feel like I am managing slightly better than at the start. Sending hugs x
@Lou33
I find those bits so hard. I dread bumping into someone who might not know. I also find I’m incredibly tired and can’t remember things. Apart from that I’m not too bad at the moment. I’m very aware things can change.
@Ali29
Yes I was totally shocked I couldn’t hold it in. I think our emotions can change a thousand times a day. Pleased your not to bad at the moment x
@Nel, not everyday, but at least I’m going out! As I work from home, it depends if I’m really busy but, I do try at least a little walk; I’ve been back to Belfast Castle 3 times and sit in the Cat Garden.
On Monday at 5am, I put out my bin! I know that sounds ridiculous, but my brother has been doing it for months.
I’ve also joined the same Gym as my brother; just waiting for that “nudge” from my Martin…
Thank you so much for asking…
Big hugs
Dottie xx🌹
@Dottie72 they are huge strides Dottie. I go to a yoga class and walk my dog on the park which is at the back of my house. This is after two years. I heavily rely on my brother. It’s the little things that are the most difficult to deal with. We lose our loved everyday when we wake up and for that moment things seem okay and then the realisation that they are no longer here comes. It’s so difficult but I think you are doing really amazingly. Sending hugs x
I have started doing Yoga again (only at home) my brother swears by it (he was Martin’s best friend & took it really bad)
I would love to get a wee Doggie, but I’m terrified something would it happen! We had two little Yorkies, Ruby & Willow; lost both of them and it completely broke our hearts. Since 2016, we fostered with the Dogstrust; I might go back to that at some point, couldn’t do it at the moment.
I do think if I had a wee Doggie, I would definitely get out everyday…
You are so right! It’s everyday, every minute and hour. No one will ever understand this until they go through it…
Big, big hugs
Dottie xx🌹
Ruby and Willow with their Dad… xx❤️
@Nel On a side note, you remember the Medium I mentioned to you last year; one of the things he said at my reading was Martin has the two Doggies with him and how happy he was to see them again! I’m going back to him in August…
Dottie x🌹