Smiling on the outside, screaming on the inside.

He took his final breath at 11:52am on May 11th. I was holding your hand, I kissed you & said I love you, I’m sure you tried to say it back. Everybody gives that head on one side look, and say “how are you doing?” I reply, “oh, you know, alright under the circumstances!” I’m not. I know people don’t really want you sobbing all over them. So I’m polite, say I’m ok, but I’m screaming on the inside. You’re gone. Forever. How am I supposed to look to the future now that you’re in my past? I know it was your time, you’d suffered so much, battled so valliantly, it was totally unfair and selfish of me to keep begging you to stay, yet hoping you’d go so you could be out of the horrendous pain you endured. My heart us in a million pieces. I don’t think it’ll ever be whole again. Goodnight, god bless my love. Until we’re together again.

30 Likes

@Chick I am so very for your loss.

You do not know me, we have never met and yet you have put my situation in words far better than I could have.

Here you can be your true self. Express your true feelings, vent your anger or share your frustrations.

We are all here because we have lost our closest loved one and we are united in our grief.

We understand each others pain and sorrow but we don’t have to do it alone because of this group.

Please keep in touch.

Andy

8 Likes

Thank you for your kind words. You are in my thoughts!
Regards
Julia

3 Likes

@Chick

So sorry for your loss . I’m nine weeks in on weds and although some days I ‘function’ now inside I’m also screaming , why ? How? The thought of never seeing my lovely Bry is crushing & I am now just existing until it’s my time .

Bry passed suddenly with no warning , no illness & although I’m glad he went like that for himself , it’s difficult to get your head around it when the night before was completely normal. :sleepy::broken_heart:

Reach out to us all on here as we are truly the only ones that can understand and nobody judges you so all .

Sending hugs

Xxx

7 Likes

So sorry for your loss. Xx

2 Likes

@Chick so sorry for your loss and welcome to this club that no one wants to be a member of. Hopefully this forum will give you the opportunity to share your feelings and gain some strength & empathy from others on this awful journey. Sending hugs

2 Likes

Grief is hell, when people say 2 me u r so strong, i think if only u knew im laughing on the outside but crying on the inside.

7 Likes

It is good to have somewhere that people understand all the emotions you feel. Friends & family do understand to a certain extent, and they mean well, but having to put on a front, and bury feelings, until you’re alone, is very unhealthy!
It is very sad that this ‘club’ has so many members!

5 Likes

Oh, & the poor dog, who is also confused and upset about the loss of his daddy, won’t come for a cuddle any more, he’s fed up of getting soaked in tears! :disappointed:

3 Likes

So sorry for your loss .my partner died 6 weeks on wednesday so know the awful pain we are left with im very much on my own so i regard all on here has my family and .There is such sadness here but lots of love and kindness so your never alone xxx

7 Likes

@Chick , so sorry for your loss. I am just over 6 weeks into this horrible journey no-one wants to be on. Coping on the outside, crying inside. My husband died suddenly of a cardiac arrest whilst cycling, so it was a huge shock. I just had a weekend away in London with my 2 daughters to see Strictly Professionals. It was a Christmas present for us all. We had a good time. Then i came home to an empty house, no-one asking how it had been and i broke down, crying like it had just happened. I guess this is how it will be. Today i am exhausted and sad. I was kind to myself and did sit out in the sunshine reading, although thats bitter sweet as we both loved to be out in the garden. We just carry on i suppose and try to make sense of it. Sending love to everyone here.

4 Likes

@Chick so sorry for your loss. You said exactly how I feel. I say I am fine thank. Or it’s ok. It’s an awful situation and feels completely like a dream. Sending hugs to you :heart:

4 Likes

I expected the sadness, emptiness, crying, devastation. I didn’t expect to feel so angry! Not with him, (sometimes with him for leaving me, then guilt for feeling that way), but mostly with the cancer! I’ve, actually, no, we, were angry with the cancer alot over the years, for what it did to him, how it ran his life so much, but this feels so intense! I think I may need to buy a punching bag to try & vent some of it!

1 Like

Its 13 weeks today for my beloved husband. He died suddenly after a simple knee replacement. My life feels as its come to a end .i spend most of my day in the bedroom as he died suddenly in the lounge .i still have flashbacks .i feel more settled in my bedroom .my husband was just 59 and looking forward to his retirement.

4 Likes

@Chick I’m so sorry for your loss of your husband. Life indeed is unfair and so cruel. I loss my husband suddenly 5 months ago. Went to work on the Saturday and Sunday I got a call from my son to say that dad had collapsed. Time I got home he was gone. He was only 53 years old. he died of a massive rear saddle pulmonary embolism and kidney cancer which was in both kidneys and had burst through the lining of the kidney and sitting at the bottom of the blood vessels. He never knew he had cancer. Was working up to the day before. All our future plans and dreams have gone. Your loss is so raw, take one hour at a time and tell your friends and family how you really feel. i always do as expect my eyes says it all as feel so sad.
Take care and big hugs xx

4 Likes

So sorry for your loss
Your words are so much like how i feel It’s seven months since my husband passed and some days i feel that i’m never going to survive this nightmare of grief Other days i manage but he is always in my mind
i think really just the total shock of losing him and knowing the finality of it is so hard to bear
I pray for the strength for us all in this position It’s so so hard My husband also was in a lot of pain and while i’m glad he is not anymore I feel now that i’m the one left with the pain
None of asks for to be in this situation People think i’m getting a bit better but if they could see inside my soul they would see i’m just as heartbroken as I was at the beginning
I wish you peace and hope and there are a lot of understanding people in this group
Take care x

3 Likes

I’m so sorry for your loss. The people on here at least truly understand what we’re going through, friends & family do their best, but I’m sure one of my friends thinks I should’ve stopped getting upset by it by now, if she catches me crying, she asks what’s up. It’s been 2 weeks & 1 day, I think I’ll still be crying after 2 years & 1 day!

4 Likes

Every day is a task .life will never be the same .im having to do things every day which my husband did .ive been to dr today as life is just so difficult. Sometimes i just want to hide away and not have to explain to people how im feeling .

3 Likes

Sorry for you loss, I’ve been a member of the club for three weeks tomorrow and another bank holiday weekend to remind me. I miss him so much, my heart reaches.out to.all of us. :broken_heart::heart:

3 Likes

@Chick . So very sorry for your loss. I understand where you are coming from. It is now five months since I lost my husband and everyone says how well I am coping. I joined a quiz group two weeks after his death because I knew if I didn’t go out at that stage I never would. On tbe outside I laugh and joke with everyone but on the inside I have to stop the tears from welling up. I feel so empty inside and apart from the grouos I go to have no other support. All I can advise is don’t let people say to you time to move on. Inless they have been in that situation they don’t understand the complete loss you feel. June will be a hard month fir me as it would have been our 52nd wedding anniversary

4 Likes