I have found mornings really bad but it seems to have changed and I feel I have the anxious brick in the stomach around 2 ish now. I never get through a day without anxiety at some point. I think I’m doing okay and then suddenly there it is and then it sets me back. I have a constant sadness but I try to go out. I meet my friend for coffee. Go out with my sister and go to yoga class but it seems to grab me when I least expect it. I still take sleeping tables as I’d have done since I lost my husband. I can’t manage without them. I think I would feel more anxious if I got no sleep. The thought of being awake all night scares me x
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Jan. So sorry you were not with your partner at the end. My wife died at 4am but the hospital called me in and I was able to be with her with our family. She felt my daughter-in-law’s pregnancy bump then I held her hand. Her grip weakened and I kissed her Goodbye. As she passed I kept talking to her for half an hour as I had read you can still hear for a while after. I was able to tell her how much I loved her. This has given me some comfort but I am in tears writing this. It is part of grieving. The hospital should have allowed you that precious moment. That they did not is unforgivable.
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Thank you your kind words. I’m still struggling to come to terms with what happened that day it’s so hard. I left him at 5.00pm and at 6.25pm my phone rang and the nurse said “Can you come up to the hospital, he’s having a panic attack and asking for you, he keeps saying he thinks he’s dying but it’s just a panic attack.” I told her I would be there within 20-25 minutes. When I got to the ward she met me in the corridor and said “I’m sorry he’s gone”!!! I started screaming “No no no no”. I don’t think I will ever come to terms with it, he knew he was dying and wanted me and why on earth did the nurse think it was “just a panic attack”??? I wish, like you, I had been able to hold him and comfort him in those last minutes and it breaks my heart to think he may have been frightened and needed me.
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@Jan71 my heart breaks for you.X
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I had an awful ending with my husband. He was in intensive care for a week and I was not allowed to visit until the very end when they decided I could be there before his ventilator was removed. Their communication was a total muddle and a complaint is ongoing. I was disgusted that 50 years of the two of us counted for nothing and that they could make such decisions. There are massive confusions about hospital next of kin. Legal next of kin is good enough to remove the body from their mortuary but does not mean you can be there.
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Jan. Your treatment was truly appalling. I cried reading it. My heart goes out to you.
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RVSics. My wife was in intensive care but I was allowed to visit despite the fact she had Covid as the ward managers recognised visits as therapeutic. I had to wear full protective clothing. Other wards were not as good. I don’t think hospitals deal with end of life issues at all well. I did not understand why my wife and 3 other patients who died in the few weeks she was in her final ward were not in a hospice rather than left to die together in a crowded room. You should have been allowed to be with your loved one longer and I feel for you. When time is short it os ever more valuable.
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I agree and have heard a nurse say the same thing. In fact she told me intensive care are not very good at the end of life whereas I think I would have expected them to be better than other wards. By contrast my very elderly Mum was an A&E admission and did transfer to a hospice. She was unconscious for a week until she died but the hospice was a wonderful place. They were so kind to Mum and to both me and my brother. No silly rules only compassion.
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Reading all your posts about the end of lfe’ care you experianced whilst your loved ones were in hospital. I am so glad that as hard as it was at the time my partner had his wish to die at home and his children and grandson were able to spend his last day with him and my son and I could spend his last night with him . I slept next to his bed and spent his last hours talking to him and reassuring him he wasn’t alone. All I can say is I am so sorry that you had to go through what you had to at a time when you must have felt so vulnerable and out of control xx
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My heart is breaking over the posts about your loved ones in the hospital. (As if my heart could break anymore). I was a R.N. For over 40 yrs. The last several years I worked an oncology unit and over time some of the patients reached end of life status. I fully understand what you are saying about some of the nurses you encountered. Believe me I encountered them too. Fortunately I was in management and had the ability to move nurses with uncaring cold attitudes off my unit. No all medical staff understand it is a privilege and honor to take care of these patients. I was an hands on manager, so I had that privilege of providing direct care. And the ICU, most of those nurses take care of “machines” forgetting the beautiful human beings that are attached to those machines. My husband had Alzheimer’s and was in memory care 11 mos before he died with a couple of hospital admissions thrown in. I knew and understood the system, and I still spared with them. I know all this probably means little to those of you that had terrible experiences with medical staff. Not bad enough you are losing a loved one, but you had to deal with uncaring staff. Believe me I went through that too. I was blessed as I brought my beloved husband home with hospice 5 weeks before he died. No more memory care units, no more hospitals. Just home with me. I make no excuses, just know I loved what I did, and I have such compassion for all of us on this site whose hearts have been shattered.
Love and peace, Karen
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Karetired
Thank you Karen.
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Thank you for your lovely words.
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I worry that the nurses who enjoy working with all the high tech equipment and can cope well with all of that won’t necessarily have the soft skills which demonstrate kindness and compassion as to me that’s two entirely different skill sets. I’ve got to know an older lady who was a nurse for many years and she always says she could tell a lot from observing her patients without the need for any equipment to inform her. I recognise some of the techy stuff saves lives but we need compassion too for patients and for their loved ones.
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(Sorry if I sound like a broken record)
Having an absolute meltdown the last couple days! … Missing my Baldy (husband), feeling guilty for him passing - I now have mice in the bloody house! - never had this before … is this punishment because I failed Baldy? Certainly feels like it.
I’m at a complete loss and really low.
I feel like dumping everything and just disappearing
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That’s exactly how I feel Every single thing I try to do seems to remind me my husband is not here and everything feels unnecessarily complicated And today BT are driving g me mad!
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@Kel2 Today is 12 weeks since my wife passed. I woke up crying, cried till lunchtime and I’m back in my private space with tears. This is my worst meltdown. I feel guilty for resenting my family who rely on me for being there. Without them I could join Diane. Then I say she wants me to keep them all safe. That alone is keeping me here today. I know this will pass but tomorrow without her will be just as painful but maybe a little less desperate. This is a terrible place to be. I really feel the pain with you. We can only take one minute at a time some days.
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@Mike75 I completely understand where you are, with family ‘relying on you’ … Mine are exactly the same. I’m the one that everyone will come to, the ‘strong one’ … Now I am vulnerable and actually need that support back - I have nothing. I find myself still trying to support them even though I’m the one who needs it. My Baldy passed away November - I’ve never felt so alone since he passed. All I want is to be with him… Like you, if it wasn’t for my family I would certainly be with him - I do resent them as I need their support and understanding but that’s never going to happen.
I’m finding everyday seems to get harder? … I do try to take a deep breath and hope the next hour will get easier x
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I think lots or us will entirely understand how you feel. It’s such a horrible place to be in and sadly no-one can ever even begin to comprehend until they themselves lose a partner. My loss makes me feel for my Mum as she had to keep going for 21 years without my Dad. My fear is that I’ll feel like this for 21 years. Even getting up each day is one huge effort and I feel worse now than I did at the beginning.
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You have my thoughts!! Within a week of my Barry passing away four light bulbs failed, the smoke alarm battery needed changing, the back garden gate jammed !!!
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Know exactly where you are coming from, I’ve been constantly put off by my partners works company because they said I could have a job with them which I desperately need because my partner was the main earner & if I can’t have that job I’ll lose my house but they keep on saying ring back next week. @RVSics, I feel the same, I’m 46 & lost my partner in November & I just wish it had been me or I could be struck down on the spot because the thought of going on in life petrifies me without her & I don’t want it, every day is a battle!! Peace & love to all 
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