My husband had Alzheimer’s. The last 1 1/2 years of his life were beyond a nightmare. I felt I tried absolutely everything I could, and yet now am thinking back over everything and wondering if there was something I could have done different. We were married 52 yrs, together for 57. I think intellectually we know we can’t change anything, but emotionally is a different story. We are suffering, agonizing over their being gone. My husband died 5 1/2 mos ago. So much of me died with him. All I want is to be with him. I have forgotten what happiness and joy feel like, that died with him too.
I wish us peace and love. Thank goodness for this site.
Karen
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@Kel2 reading your post it is so similar to me. It was just this morning that I was crying in bed and apologising to my husband for letting him down at the end when he needed me most. I should have fought harder for him. But sometimes hospitals make decisions and you don’t think or realise that you can object to those decisions. Yes failed. It hurts so much.X
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It seems like today is a bad day for lots of us!!! I too feel I failed my husband in his last few days by not pushing more for information from the hospital staff about what was happening. I had been his “personal advisor “ (his joke) for most of our time together and from the day of his cancer diagnosis I was the one who liaised for him with medical staff etc. But once he was in hospital I felt excluded and every time I requested a meeting with a doctor no one was available. This past week or so all I do is cry and feel guilty that I wasn’t with him at the end. I feel I should have known how close to going he was but he seemed no different to other times. He was extremely tired but still joking and cheerful. Two hours after I left him he was gone and I constantly ask myself “why didn’t I know he was going to die so soon?”
Friends keep telling me I’m doing well and I’m strong but I feel like a swan on a pond, calm and in control on the surface and paddling for all I’m worth underneath.
I think only those going through the same pain of losing a beloved partner can truly understand how awful it is .
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Everytime I tried to speak to a doctor or questioned something I was dismissed. I regret that I didn’t push harder. I have sent a complaint to my local MP who is going to address it to the hospital - I don’t know if that will amount to anything, but I will keep trying.
I know it’s too late really as it won’t bring him back, I should have fought more when he was still here - but they’re the medical professionals, you expect the right care for them. And I think when they were in hospital maybe our brains were not fully functioning to object or request another opinion (not immediately anyway) because: 1) we’re so worried about them 2) they’re the professionals.
He wouldn’t want me feeling like this, I know that - but I know I failed him and I can’t forgive myself.
I agree with the ‘swan’ … I think we all end up putting a front on because noone (unless they’ve been through it) will understand the agony we are going through.
Hugs to you all xx
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After 19 months I am still taken aback by what people say to me. I wish I could be more understanding when they complain about their lives but it is so hard when they are still with their partners. I have friends complain to me that they don’t have an ironing room or that life is so difficult deciding on a new kitchen! Perhaps I should be a nicer person but at the moment I can’t.
X
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Yes some if the senseless/inconsiderate things people say does amaze me… I have bitten my tongue so far x
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I had the same experience. We had been told we were taking him home the next day and I blindly believed it. So I left him that last day because my daughter was on her way to the hospital to see him and so there would be not much time he would be alone. Why did I leave, I had to take my brother somewhere but why didn’t I make him wait ? I thank God that when I left him my last words to him were that I loved him and his to me were that he loved me but I still feel I let him down so many times in those last weeks and especially by not being with him when he died. We all do this (going by what I am reading here) but it is a time of stress and unclear thought and you can’t blame yourself. It’s easy to say that, I know how it feels but please try to let yourself forgive and try not to hang on to it. I know I do and I fight it because it doesn’t help me to move forward. I wish you peace and strength, xxx
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I fully understand what you have said regarding the New Year. My wife and I had just spent our last Christmas together and the only thing that the turning of the year had to offer was her passing which took place on 11th January. Neither of us wanted to see in the New Year and conveniently enough my wife lost track of the date and did not realise that it even was New Year’s eve which we were both grateful of and chuckled about on next day. I cannot have an answer to how we move forward and as it was so very recent for me I have not even started to try to do so. So yes there are others thinking and experiencing something similar. I choose to believe that there will be a new norm that we will somehow find. It is a hugely difficult adjustment to make and I have not been fully tested yet but I fervently hope that we can find a way forward a bit at a time. I send you my heartfelt best wishes as I join the ranks of all the people on here trying their best to make sense of 2023 without the loved one that they grieve for.
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Mtamin. As you say a hugely difficult adjustment. So very sorry on the loss of your wife. You will proceed in the grieving at your own pace. I think one of the best pieces of advice, and yes lots of advice will come your way, most of which is worthless, anyway not to expect too much of yourself and to be patient with yourself. We all have to find our own path. My beloved husband died 5 1/2 mos ago and I have a lot of grieving work to do. This site is good, very supportive, loving and nonjudgmental. Wishing you peace.
Karen
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Thank you… (Will take that as a compliment) x
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I wonder if any of you find mornings so hard. My partner died14 months ago and it 's been a topsy turvey year… i have good.and bad nights but always have this brick in my stomach when I wake up which stays there off and on all morning. I try and keep busy and go out most days ,miss him dreadfully but know he’s not coming back ,Grief is hard and we all need to find our own way through it but sometimes we just need someone to hold our hand as we walk this long and lonely road x
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It’s four months since my partner died. Evenings and nights are my very worst times as my mind goes over everything again and again. Every morning I wake up feeling as if someone has kicked me and it’s a horrible reminder that his loss is real and I’m on my alone. You are so right it’s a long and lonely road. xx
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Thank you for your reply. Sending you hugs and kind thoughts that hopefully will carry you through the day xx
And for you too Such a shame so much is online with no opportunity to meet over a coffee somewhere!
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Mornings and nights are the hard … Nights I find harder - I’m not sleeping (maybe a broken hour-2 hours tops), my mind keeps going over everything and blaming myself. Then mornings the realisation kicks in again that he is definitely not here and I am on my own and alone.
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I feel the same as you i turn over in bed and put my arm out to cuddle my husband and his not there i always cuddle him and said love you good night its also the silly little things i miss about him like his jokes and the things he said and done just wish i could hear him telling me one of his silly jokes again
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My hubby always had a silly joke to tell … Would love to hear one now!
Loved cuddling up to him, us generally having a natter x
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I find it hard being around friends and family who still have their husbands seeing them laughing and getting on with their lives together i went away last weekend with my husbands sister was not the same without my husband
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Yes I am finding the mornings very hard; feeling constantly sick until I go out, which I try to do quickly. The house doesn’t feeling the same & the realisation of her never being here again is killing me xx 
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I constantly go over his last day and wish I’d been more “pushy “ to get a doctor to come to talk to me. It was only after he passed away that I was told the doctor had written in his notes that she felt he was rapidly approaching “end of life”. I would not have left the hospital that afternoon if I’d known that, afterwards they said they didn’t expect him to die so soon but even so I feel I wasn’t given the chance to spend as much time as possible with him.
Like others who have said on here the evenings are so hard especially just now when it’s dark and miserable. I’m hoping that with the lighter nights I can at least get out for an evening walk to pass a bit of time.
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