So devastated

I know how you feel. My fiance took his own life last month and I’m still in shock and can’t believe what has happened. I get so angry and haven’t stopped crying. I don’t think I will ever get through it, i think it’s more learning to live with it. Sometimes I think I’m never going to be ok again but I know I have to keep going. My heart goes out to you

Hi Kia, unfortunately it is a rollercoaster of emotions and until it happens to you nobody knows the pain suicide creates for the people that are left behind. My fiancé committed suicide a year ago and dealing with it still isn’t easy. I just wish I knew why!!

It’s heart breaking… I’ve never known pain like it and all I keep asking is why?? Ot still dont seem real like im living in a nightmare.He took a part of me with him. It’s been suggested I have some counselling,

Yes I felt like a part of me died that day too. I can’t understand that if someone loves you why they would do this to the person they are meant to love. I tried councilling but it wasn’t for me if it may help you. xx

I understand how you feel. Numb, shocked, angry and crying ? When someone decides to end their life, to them its the only way to stop what ever it is that makes them feel this way. But the reality is very different for those of us left behind wondering why…I’ve asked and blamed my self endlessly in the past month. Someone recently said this to me, and it sort of makes sense - we all have skeletons in our closets but when a person commits suicide , they leave their skeletons in your closet -
Only those who have been bereaved by suicide can really understand the many mixed emotions we go through, sometimes it seems like I can swap from all the emotions in a few minutes and the worst one is guilt. Then the ’ what ifs, if only and why didn’t I '…
I wish I had answers for you , all I can offer is a big hug (( )) x

Just knowing I’m not on my own will do. I know exactly what you mean… I never know how I’m going to be one minute to the next. The what if’s and if only’s that torture me… I can’t sleep and find myself going over everything in my head. It was our engagement anniversary and my birthday the other day and I cried all day and just wanted it over.

Unfortunately the first of everything is not easy and don’t beat yourself up for crying because sometimes that is the only way we know how to deal with it. Please do not think you are alone and if you ever need to vent please do I have and it helps just knowing other people are in the same position we are. Xx

It does help… even though I have family and friends supporting me it’s hard as sometimes I just want to scream “you don’t understand” I’m really struggling today and feel really angry and feel like I can’t do this

You can do it, you will feel angry and some days you will struggle. Every Sunday I go to my partners grave and it doesn’t get any easier because I feel why we had so many plans and dreams. Unfortunately I think part of me died when my partner committed suicide. Keep strong x

I have to do it. He did take a part of me with him. My partner don’t have a grave, his mom has his ashes but I’ve got a memorial bench where I go and just sit there. We had so many plans and was so happy, he was my soul mate. It’s just heart breaking x

I am a year on and today I am struggling and I have no idea what has triggered it. I got up and have cried ever since, I feel as if I am living in haze of fog where nothing makes sense and what is the point to anything.

Nothing in particular triggers our emotions… it’s ok not to be ok…cry all day if you have to… just know that it will pass. It’s like a roller coaster of emotions and I never know how I’m going to be day to day, i just have to hold on tight through the bad days and have hope that tomorrow will be a better day… hold on tight and crying heals the soul x

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Sending you a hug (( ))
Deaths so traumatic and has long lasting effects. My dad died 4 years ago and it still hurts, some days more than others.
It’s 5 weeks since my hubby took his life. At times the clock seems to be standing still, and others it seems like it was yesterday,when the police delivered the news…
Maybe it’s because you are at the 1st anniversary and it stirs up all the emotions ?
Griefs a very strange thing to experience and we all react differently. I think it’s ok to have a scream at times as it’s releasing a bit of stress. Crying is a natural emotion, but I do wonder where all the tears come from, maybe it’s from the endless cups of tea I make, still making 2 when there’s only me…X

Unfortunately I found my partner, I managed to resuscitate but it was too late and needed to make the decision to turn off his life support machine because he was severely brain damaged. Then my house went into complete lock down by the police. I have been unable to live in my house since. I seriously think that people don’t think properly before committing suicide because the aftermath that is left to deal with is horrendous. Sorry I am meant to be strong for both of you. Xx

They do not think… they’re judgement is clouded. I can’t imagine the pain and suffering they must be in to think suicide is your only way out. I’ve had to move house since… I never found him as I had a feeling something had happened so called the police and was pronounced dead at the scene so I can’t imagine that heart breaking decision you had to make. Please Don’t apologise… you don’t need to be strong for us… we’re all here for each other and want to thank you for your messages as it has helped me x

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Some days I think I want to sell and move on and then other days that just feels wrong as if I am just erasing our memories. Although until the Estate is finalised I would not able able to make that decision anyway. I have found that people avoid you because they don’t know what to say and others that just pity you, which I struggle with. Unfortunately I have an image in my head that I will never be able to erase and that haunts me every day. I went back to work three weeks after it happened as needed to keep busy but now not sure that was the right decision as nothing seems worthwhile anymore.

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Your memories will stay in your heart forever. To be honest I thought moving would make it easier but it’s all still there everyday. I still haven’t been back to work and it’s been 7 weeks… I’ve kept my myself busy with other stuff, I’m not sure if I want to go back to the same job. I find people avoid me as they don’t know what to say. I had my friends around me all the time after it happened but since the funeral I’ve not really seen anyone, it’s like I’m expected to just get on with it when it’s so hard

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I totally agree I think that people don’t appreciate exactly how suicide affects you until it happens to you. My partner has two boys who blamed me and I found that so difficult because I didn’t just lose my partner of sixteen years I lost my whole family that day. After the funeral I isolated myself because I found it easier to deal with things but it does make you really lonely, I also couldn’t eat and ended up losing three stone and made myself ill. Unfortunately everyone now says oh you will find someone else, when all I want to do is scream as this is the last things in my mind.

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My partners family blamed me and I didn’t get a say in any of his funeral arrangements… it was like I didn’t exist which really hurt as I was the person who was there and stuck by him through everything and they live far away but I had to let it go… I know how much we loved each other and I did everything I could to help him. I know what you mean… people keep saying “you will find love again” but he was the love of my life and it does my head in when people say “he wouldn’t want to be upset”

Please don’t apologise, some days we are strong, some days not. I’m all over the place at the moment. I’ve not seen some people since the funeral either , not sure why really. Maybe they don’t know what to say .its as if, they think, right the funerals over, move on with your life, but as we know that’s very hard.
I can’t imagine what was going on in my DH head as he took his life, but I can only assume he was in utter turmoil and , illogically to me, but not to him, he thought he was helping, but it’s the complete opposite really…x