So hard to keep going…..

It’s seems like ages since I’ve posted on here. It will be a year this Saturday since Ian passed away after only a seven week battle against cancer. We were together for over forty years.
I just can’t believe I’ve been without him for a year now as it still seems like yesterday. The house is still not dusted, the garden is overgrown and ‘friends’ have come and gone.
It’s so hard listening to people’s plans for the future when I don’t have one. I know they have to get on with their lives but it still feels like rubbing salt in the wound, especially now.
I certainly haven’t learnt to accept Ian’s passing with time and my pain, grief and bewilderment hasn’t changed .
I just want to curl up and sleep. I can’t but I don’t think people around me understand how hard it is just to get through each day let alone face a future of these endless days.

How I wish everything was different and Ian was still with me.

Julie x

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Dear @Trixie1

I am so sorry for the pain you are going through and I wish I could give you a hug and say you will get through this. The first year is always the hardest with bereavement with facing birthdays and anniversaries and now the 1st anniversary of the passing of Ian.

It is hard listening to people talk about the future when you feel like you have been robbed of yours. In time you will accept Ian’s passing but you never really get over it. Unless you go through a personal bereavement people do struggle to understand what you are going through.

I would try and do a little bit each day albeit dusting or the garden just to start having a routine and if you are up to it invite friends around for a chat. It might help if you explain to them how you are feeling so they have a better understanding of what you are going through and how you feel.

Grief unfortunately has no time limit and everyone is different with as to how long they grieve and how they react. Please be gentle with yourself. What you are going through is normal.

Have you thought about connecting with members of the community here who have experienced what you are going through?

Please continue to reach out here any time. I will be thinking of you on Saturday. You are not alone.

Take care.

Pepsi

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The pain will lessen - it won’t go away nor do you want it to go. It’s a connection.

I avoid couples as it does feel like rubbing salt into a wound & I get angry that it feels no-one is bothering about me. I’m still me.

But advice I was given was, get up, get washed, get dressed everyday then give yourself a task - then build on that.
Don’t think I’ve actually finished any task I’ve given myself but that’s ok too.

We have to move on but we aren’t alone, he is just out of sight.
G. X

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So sorry to hear this Julie,
I do find this board helps in some way, even if it’s just not feeling completely alone.
Grandma I love your positive talk, it gives me hope that at some stage I will feel better.
I hope everyone here can find some peace.
Joe x

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Hi Joe,
For me, my thinking is sink or swim -
I have a fear of water so Ive had to learn to swim sharpish!

Yes it’s very very tough road, full of
HUGE potholes, but if roles were reversed, I wouldn’t want my hubby to sink but to put his big boy pants on. .

My life has changed for ever but I feel I owe it to him, myself & children to put my big girl pants on & do the best I can.
Some days are really crap.
I try & convince myself just because I don’t see him, I know he is still with us.

Don’t overthink things.

G. X

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Hi Julie I’ve just done a couple of replies on here as I’m feeling lonely and alone and wondering how other people are doing ? I know like you how hard it is to talk to couples and hear their plans and I’ve just said on another post how jealous I feel when I see couples out walking their dog or shopping because I know I’ll never do that again. It’s only been 3 weeks since I lost my husband so everything is still new and raw and I miss everything about him and what we did together. I understand how hard it is for you to do anything now, I’m trying but everything seems so pointless when it’s just me ? Sending a hug :broken_heart:

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We are all at different stages since losing our loved ones. It is 6 months since I lost my darling husband of 52 years.
I am finding life very hard and thought I was being selfish - feeling upset with hearing friends (couples) making future plans.
I now realise from reading all your experiences that it is okay to feel this way, and that this forum is so helpful knowing that others understand.
Sending love and hugs x

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Dear Anne and Jan

It’s not selfish, just human nature. We are all at different stages in our grief but it is so hard hearing and seeing others eagerly planning their future when we may be feeling that ours is never going to be the one we wanted, or ever thought we would have for many more years.

Everywhere I’ve been today I’ve seen elderly couples, something Ian and I can never be. It is so hard to see and even after a year now, I just find it incredibly upsetting. I’ve tried distracting myself but an empty and silent house is all that is there for me when I wake up or go to bed.

Someone said to me that it feels like being adrift in life and that is so true. There is no special person who knows me, loves me and will always put me first as I did them.

I’m sorry for sounding so down but I’ve never felt so sad and lonely as I do tonight. I’ve tried for a year now but I’m still struggling and can see no way through. Family and friends find it so hard to to understand this and just can’t seem to understand that Ian was my life for forty years and how can I ever be expected to just carry on as normal without him………

Take care,
Julie x

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Although losing any loved one is painful nothing compares to losing a partner and although you would never wish it on them until they’ve experienced it friends and family will never quite understand.

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Hello tonight - you are both so right no one truly understands what it feels like until it happens to them. People are kind, family if we’re lucky enough to have one are supportive but nothing fills the huge hole in our hearts and the empty spaces that were once full of our daily routines with our husbands, wives or partners. That sharing, loving and planning we had is all suddenly gone - we are changed,
everything is changed and we all want to wake up from this nightmare. I want to believe it will get easier but I don’t know if it ever will ?

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Hello everyone…Trixi 1 you discribe it perfectly…its like being adrift …those rare hours when I actually feel normal are so nice …but then I feel it building up again …I then have to be on my own to push through it …that physical pain is bad … get sick of folk asking …how are you …I know they mean well …but that sentence!!! …Scary adjusting to another life …sometimes feel I’m going mad …x x x

I was so depressed Monday as it was my Marti’s birthday, he would of been 58.

Today has been a better day, I actually thought of a lovely memory of him and how grateful to of had such a lovely man in my life, I guess in time we will have more days of happy memories instead of feeling pain when we think of our loved one.

I have a few friends who are a lot older then me and they say grief is very hard for a long time, but they get on with life, they can laugh again, they never forget their loved one, but learn to cope with life. So many people say life is short, I’m truly believing that now, I couldn’t say that a year ago.

I have my first grandson, I can see his Dad in him who looks like my Marti, I find this so comforting, he’s 7 weeks old now, so tiny, he makes me happy especially when he smiles at me.

It is hard to keep going, but we have no choice. You will have good days and some hard days, but life gets a bit easier.
Take care
Amy x

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Hi I spend hours on this site just reading peoples messages it is so sad loosing the privy ledge of not having someone to do nothing with or spontaneously just decide to go out I have lovely friends but it still feels like a consolation prize worrying that you are asking to much of them and always having to fit in with their plans and still coming home to an empty house with no one to share your day with I lost my husband in January we had such plans. For the future mostly organised by me which I loved doing we didn’t live in each other’s pockets and both had friends but ther is something special you share with a partner that I believe makes you more rounded I fear the loneliness and isolation I feel I hope it gets better than this

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Hi it’s 9 months today since my hubby died . Yesterday was our 40 wedding anniversary. I feel it’s getting worse each day. And especially the last couple of days .I feel so lost. I have slept for about an hour and now will probably not sleep .and I have to go to work in morning. I just want to find me again.

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I feel your pain I am sat here once again looking out at the trees and that is all I see all day. I have no life I just as well have died with him. I have no family and I just do not want friends saying you have to move on or you will destroy yourself perhaps that’s what I want.

Dear @Trixie1

Our thoughts are with you today on the 1st anniversary of Ian’s passing.

The community are here for you and send our love and support to you.

Take care

Pepsi

This is so hard, I know how you are feeling really I do, but I know that doesn’t help you or any of us feel any better. Perhaps just posting on here to get your feelings out might just help you get through the day ?
Sending a hug x

Hello Broken 2222 sending you strength and support …take care x x x

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Hi thank you. I managed to get through the special days. A bit messy lots of tears and heartbreak very little sleep. I managed to tidy garden a bit as a gift to hubby on anniversary. He always had it beautiful it’s not beautiful but I did my best. I call it man’s stuff what I find hard to do. But I just have to try and do the things I never had to before. I miss him and love him more and more each day .this life is so hard now . Posting and reading on here does help knowing I’m not the only one suffering. Love to you all xtake carex

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Hi Julie, I lost my husband 4 years ago after a hard 5 year battle with cancer. I can honestly say that I have a fair idea of what you are going through. Like you my husband and I were together for over forty years, we did everything together. He is a massive miss in my life and always will be but I have just recently started to accept that he’s gone… most days! I’m lucky I still work and that helps me to get up and get motivated in the mornings. I didn’t bother about my garden for a couple of years, my husband wasn’t a gardener but did enjoy sitting in it and we’d have great conversations and laughs together. I slowly started gardening again during the first Covid lockdown and have kept going. My garden looks beautiful and it has been so good for me when I’m feeling sad, miserable and sorry for myself to get out there in all weathers. I have a special seat my son made for me that I sit on in the summer evenings and I think about my husband and our good times, I still cry a lot but I can smile a bit now as well. Like you I feel that people around me have no idea how hard it is to cope with day to day life after losing the love of your life. It’ll take you time, everyone is different. I found the Cruse Bereavement counselling service really helpful when I was struggling at the beginning. Best wishes. X.

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