So lonely after mum’s death

Sorry if this all sounds depressing but I don’t know what to do.
I lost my mum unexpectedly on 8th Dec and as an only child I have no real family to turn to and all my friends are either keeping their distance or just haven’t been in touch at all.
We shared a house together, did everything together and I feel so alone, lost and just don’t see any future. Although I’m an adult I’m now fully in charge of a house, bills etc and worrying about that.
When I tell my friends I feel alone all I get is ‘hugs…call me if you need me’.
I want my mum. I look at photos and can’t believe I will never see or hear her voice again and reading that I could feel this way for the rest of my life just fills me full of despair.
However I’m scared to leave the house as I know when I come home she won’t be there.
Sorry for the ramble

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Sorry Suzanne to see what’s happened to you. You are definitely not rambling, but rambling is certainly allowed. I lost my Mum on 9th December. She had Alzheimer’s but it wasn’t expected. I have a nearby sister and my brother, myself and Mum lived together.
I am scared of going out, even if it’s just the local shop. The last time I was out I came back and Mum was here, now she isn’t so I am really fearful of experiencing that things have changed. My brother keeps trying to force me to go out but I really don’t want to. My siblings have their own universe but I was Mum’s carer as well and so already felt bereft in a way but everything is silent, desolate and I truly empathize with your feelings of loneliness.
Things have a different slant for you, you probably have shock too as it was unexpected and you sound fairly young.
Do things in your own time Suzanne. Your friends will only know what you are truly feeling when it sadly happens to them. The effects of loss can’t be “imagined” by someone untouched by it.
I haven’t found a way to work through things myself so it would be wrong to offer any advice but I wanted to acknowledge your post and say I empathize. Sending compassionate thoughts and I am sure you’ll get some helpful replies.

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Hi Tina,
Thank you for replying and sorry to hear of your loss.
Nothing can prepare you for the heartache that is for sure.
I just feel so alone and don’t know where to turn.
I know my friends have their life to lead but I just feel I have nothing now to go on for x
Och that sounds so depressing. Sorry especially after you were so kind to respond x

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I know how both of you feel. The aloneness of being my mother’s only child and carer after my father died and the grieving I do after she is gone.

I was very attached to my parents. Too much.
In these circumstances, for me at least, it is a long slog.

I was a reporter, loved my job, and lost that, too. I had a friend who was surprisingly unavailable. One day I will confront her about it … but then you have that life disappointment, too.

I watched a kid on youtube, a black kid. He talks about not keeping friends, not drinking, doing his own thing. I think there is something in that. I can attest: life is hard for me now without them. I am STILL on this website after five years. My cousins have gone on their way.

I was pretty but my looks fade as my soul crumbles. I am not sure what advice to offer. Only to recognize that these are tough times. I went back to art and wrote a novel. I walk friends´ dogs. I go to star parties and write and help others when I can. I dream.

Think of your parents and imagine they would be proud that you had the will and courage to go on. No matter how slowly … I also sought counseling a lot and that helped. I still write Samaritans.

Also, these times in the world do not help everyday people. I miss my mother and father exceedingly. Sadly, they were my sole source of comfort and resources. One day, find someone who feels about life as you do. I am trying this now. Attending a singles party. At least I know I want someone very kind and that is a revelation to me … we need very KIND people only in our lives now and that may be a new project for you: to discriminate those you let into your circle.

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Hi Berit,

What you replied resonates with me completely.

My mum was my world…my house companion, my travel companion and got me completely.

Good luck with your dating and hope you find someone x

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Hello Suzanne . I’m so very sorry for your loss . My mum passed away 6 months ago and i was her full time carer for 26 years . Apart from visiting my brother and sister in law once a week i am alone most of the time . Its tough but i am getting through it . I also hate going out because of coming home to an empty flat , still feels strange that she isn’t sitting in her favourite chair waiting for me . It is heartbreaking . Just take your time and do what is right for you . I’m sorry your friends are not being supportive , are there any neighbours you can call on ? I have a couple of neighbours who i can visit for a chat and a cup of tea ( although Covid restrictions will change that soon ). Sending you love and strength. Take care .
Angie xx

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Hi Angie4,

The empty seat is so accurate…doesn’t help that her cat just comes into the room and then literally stops and just stares to her seat. It upsets me every time :cry:

I do have neighbours but don’t like to impose as they all have their own life and am wary of becoming someone they want to avoid.

Dreading the funeral on Monday as don’t know what to do after it as keep hearing of friends/family having plans for the afternoon that don’t involve me. Not that they should live their life for me but I just don’t know what to do.

Thank you for your response x

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Hi Suzanne,
I will be thinking of you on Monday . I dreaded the funeral but i got through it much better than i imagined . Is there any family you can join up with for a while afterwards ? A while ago i had a really bad panic attack and went to a neighbour , she was marvellous and said if I ever wanted to chat just knock on her door . So don’t start thinking you would become a nuisance . If you were my neighbour you wonder be welcome anytime because i know how difficult it is . Take care.
Love Angie x

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Suzanne
Sorry for your loss I would be lost without my mum she’s all I have left now my husband passed away. When Jim went I had no money coming in as we lived on his pension. I had to go onto universal credit as I’m unfit for work that took 5 weeks so I had nothing for 5 weeks I had to go to food bank and I hit rock bottom with all the worry of paying rent and bills. It has got a bit better now although I do have to pay bedroom tax out of benefit and I don’t put heating on instead I go to bed to keep warm. It’s not easy trying to manage I still have same bills coming in and a funeral to pay for. Hope things get better for you take care xx

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Misprint,

I am so sorry to hear of your tough times and hope they become easier and more bearable for you x

Thank you for replying x

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I lost my mum in November and still cannot believe it as it happened so suddenly. I don’t think people understand the big problems you can have with finances. I’ve also got a nightmare scenario where I could lose the flat , although still hoping to keep it. One minute everything’s looking good the next in total despair.

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Hi Suzanne,

I have just joined the forum and posted above to introduce myself… but I am truly sorry to hear about your mum.

You clearly cared for her and loved her deeply so I hope that you can find some comfort in knowing that she was loved every day and couldn’t have been with anyone with a more caring and kinder heart than yourself.

I am not going to say that things will get easier… because everyone is different… but I promise you that you will learn to cope as the time passes even though the sadness and grief will stay with you… As I have always said… grief is quite simply love with no place left to go… :pensive:

So if you ever need someone to talk to or just to share how you are feeling, then my inbox is always open x

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Bless you for your kind words and I think a lot of people including myself can relate x

Thank you :pray: x

You’re welcome and my thoughts are with you, and please feel free to message any time you need someone to talk to or just to offload for a bit x

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these things come about after loss. not uncommon. can you consult with someone … samaritans are probably used to this question too … handling grief requests. sometimes, a way out can present itself so look for it. despair can be paralyzing and obscure things so be wary of it, though I know it comes with grief.

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Hi Suzanne, I just wanted to let you know that you will be able to adjust and live alone. I am agoraphobic with anxiety and panic and had to live alone when my parents retired. My mam left me on 25 Nov and we collected her ashes today. It’s like she left all over again. It’s 7 weeks and I still cannot believe it’s true. It keeps hitting me. My family seem to have moved on without too much distress and they are irritated that I won’t take medication because I am so distraught. I feel so alone. At least you have friends. Unless they have lost a parent they will have no clue as to how you are feeling. It is like being in a club. Posting here is helping some when I really feel desperate, like today, like every day. And on top of mam passing my sister can’t wait to move to the coast. She said she understood my situation but I just annoy her now, like a burden. I think I always have. So I won’t see her or the children when she goes and she has been deeply involved and a support for me for 25 years. It is like she and her family have also died. So I understand how alone you feel. I just wanted to let you know you aren’t alone on here and it does help. x

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Hi,
It makes sense that grief is love with nowhere left to go. I ache for my mam to still be here, or at least to hear me and know how loved she has always been. I miss her so much and cannot bear her absence. I just want things to go back to how they were when she was well and pottering in the garden. It was the best time, sitting under the holly tree on the swing chair have a cup of tea. I just can’t bear being here without her.

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Hi @christine51,

Thank you for your post, it was very comforting.

I have been following your story and am so touched and devastated for you through this whole thing as it seems so much to bear in such a short space of time :pensive: x

I had a couple of bad days this week and pick up my mums ashes next Friday which I am dreading but I am lucky enough to have my goddaughter and close friends to support me which is more than some.
I am an only child so people meaning well say things like ‘oh so you’re alone now’ with this pitying look but I don’t bother correcting them as I have family close by and some I don’t know where they are tbh but they are not close and non-existent as far as I’m concerned.

I, like you, seem to be very new to our loss and everything is just so surreal and I keep thinking she’s out somewhere and when it hits me that she’s not coming back I find it hard to cope with.

Mum always told me that she would be annoyed with me if I stopped living when she went and I know that to be true so I have made a pact with myself that I will do the house renovations she wanted and keep enjoying life to honour her.

I still have her cat who misses her badly but we have cuddles and remember her fondly (sounds daft I know lol).

Have you thought of maybe letting off a couple of fireworks for your mums birthday?

Sorry for lengthy post and will keep following your story in hope you find even an iota of peace x

Suzanne x

Thank you for replying. I can’t stop crying. I feel so alone and unloved by my family now that mam has gone. She never had any conversations with me about her not being here and I never thought she would ever go. I’m 51 and feel like a child. I did have a life before I relied totally on my mam and sister for support and my sister said mam always treated me like a child and molicoddled me because I had had cancer and never got married or had children and was always excitable and never really grew up. I’ve always been terrified of death and I think that’s why I can’t accept she’s gone. I keep looking at her photos of the last holiday up north and am just bawling my eyes out. My mam was everything. My sisters and dad now just want to fix me. I am not allowed to be devastated because they aren’t or will not show it. I feel so utterly alone. I wish I had lived with my mam. You have her with you in your house and to continue with things for her is good. Maybe you could invite friends over to stay or have a drink. I have no friends because of my panic attacks. I am so isolated. Cherish what you have. I was beyond shocked when my sister said she was moving away. I’ll never see her or the children I helped her to bring up. I think it’s lovely that you have your mams cat and it will be looking for her. I hope he/she is eating and not pining. I was just so unprepared for this. I don’t know how I will live without her. She was everything and I now realise shielded from the rest of the family and what they think about my situation. I’m being bullied by them and just want to hide. I didn’t know mam was so ill. Why didn’t I see? Your idea about fireworks is good for mams birthday. She loved going to the fireworks displays. I realised today on the way for the ashes I’ll never go to the carboot sale again, or the Edwardian night or do any of the things we enjoyed as a routine and run up to Christmas. I can’t ever celebrate Christmas again. I just keep looking at her pictures and realised I didn’t take any recent photos. I couldn’t cuddle her because of covid. I was terrified of giving it to them. Sorry, I just can’t contain how utterly devastated I feel all over again. It’s like she’s just left me again. You could create a memory tag shrine with candles over the fireplace to feel close to your mam. I couldn’t open the bag of ashes to take some for myself. I didn’t want to open the bag and disturb her and nobody would do it for me. Nobody else was upset. I’m so sorry about your mam. I just don’t understand why this has to happen. I wish I had never been born because I just can’t bear the pain of not having her here and regretting every single thing I have done or said to upset her. I would give anything to have her back. I just don’t know how I am supposed to move on and leave her behind. But I know she would be so upset if she could see me. But she would know how devastated I would be. I always assumed I would die before anyone else. I wish I had never had cancer treatment and died when I had the chance. But I couldn’t bear to have her feel what I am feeling. I love her too much. I am in utter despair. Sorry x

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I’m sorry for going on so much. I’m having a really bad day and have no one to phone. I can’t phone my family. They don’t want to hear it. I’m not allowed to be devastated and it annoys them because I refuse to be fixed with pills. I’m going to watch tv to try to calm down. I’ve crying since I got back afternoon, slept a bit and then back to crying. I just want my mam like a child. Nobody seems to understand that.
I’ll be thinking of you when you collect your mam. I couldn’t go in so I don’t know what happened. It doesn’t take long. It’s simply a collection. Like a click and collect. It makes it seem so final. I’m glad you have friends to go with and who will support you. Try to get someone else to drive. I could barely sit upright coming back and felt like I was going to be sick. I couldn’t bear seeing all the flowers and trees planted for so many loved ones. I just can’t handle this. Sorry x

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