So lonely after mum’s death

Hi Christine x

I just wish I could help you as your despair and grief is heartbreaking so can’t imagine how it is to be in your situation right now x

I obviously don’t know you or your family situation but it sounds to me that your family are grieving in their own way and potentially your sister is moving because it’s a knee jerk reaction to her coping with loss x

You say you wish you’d never survived cancer which is such a sad way to feel but could you perhaps see it as you survived in order to honour your mum in some way…I honestly believe that you are so overwhelmed just now with grief that you can’t see the woods for the trees….this i totally understand :disappointed: x

Her cat is called Cal and his behaviour is just awful just now but that’s cause mum let him off with bad behaviour which I now need to try and stop!!

My goddaughter stays over night some times and am lucky that people pop in or phone daily but I don’t want to be that clingy friend who demands attention as I’m aware folk have their own jobs/lives x

My friend who is coming with me to collect the ashes has been like a sister to me for over 20 years and when her mum died nearly 17 years ago my mum took her and her sister under her wing so her death has also hit them badly as it’s like they’ve lost another mum…I would be lost without her and tomorrow we’re hoping to go book memorial tattoos for mum x

Your family trying to medicate you sounds familiar and although they just want you to feel better it’s not always the answer but I had to relent a few weeks back a get a short term prescription just so I could sleep and focus just a bit x but anything like this has to be your choice and not to keep family happy x

Have you spoken to Cruse or any counsellor as they are doing consultations over phone or by zoom so could be in your home?

Keep posting and thinking of you,

Suzanne x

You are so lucky to have people in your life who want to be with you and loved your mam as another mam. She must be very special. I feel so bullied that I’m not allowed to grieve for my mam and then to be abandoned by my sister. I’ve started looking at commune living on the internet. Abandoning my life (I really don’t have a life at all because it’s so empty) and living with people who will look after me and hopefully not take advantage or abandon me. But how would I know that until it happened? I’d then be homeless. My mam made me feel safe and now I feel so lost I don’t know what to do. I just want to talk to my mam. I can’t accept what has happened because it is too hard. I can’t call anyone because they will just have a go at me. I just don’t want to be here. My therapist doesn’t have spare time to really talk to me. He’s so busy but always phones me back when I leave a desperate message because I can’t cope on my own. I would love to get a tattoo for mam but I can’t because my lymph nodes were removed for testing (breast cancer, twice, lumpectomy and then double mastectomy) and my arm would swell up. I just wish I’d made my time with mam special. The everyday was such a struggle that anything extra was a huge effort. Birthdays and celebrations were always so stressful for me to cope with but I feel so guilty that I wasn’t ‘normal’, without the anxiety. But then she knew what it took for me to get over there. I used to enjoy life. I love her so much I can’t stop crying. I thought I was coping a bit better but not now. I wish she’d talked to me about her leaving me. I have no conversations to hang onto like she had with my sisters. I didn’t realise my sister resented me so much. I could never understand why we used to fight all the time. She can finally be rid of me when she moves away. Mam would be so upset. She was the only one who protected me from the world. I always thought I was independent but I wasn’t. I’ve lost my mam and now my whole world is collapsing. I’m waiting for more sleeping tablets from my GP. I get some sleep but dread waking up. I wish I could sleep forever and be with mam in the old garden. The more my family push the more alone I feel. I am completely alone and have became their focus as soon as mam left us. Dad said I’d completely lost it because I was talking to mam after she had gone. I was just trying to make the best of the time I had left with her. And they say that hearing is the last sense to leave and that loved ones watch us after they leave the body. I was trying to cool her down with the fan but dad was annoyed so I had to throw it away. I feel so bullied that I don’t want to speak to them but at the same time feel like they don’t care because they aren’t ringing me. When I’ve rang them they don’t answer so I stopped. I was accused of upsetting the whole family because I texted my sister. If they knew how I felt they would have no sympathy for me but would demand that I get help. I’m grieving and now am going to be alone without my sister. Why can I not react to that with fear and grief? Isn’t that a natural reaction? It seems not to be in my family. Sorry. Once I start I can’t stop. Sometimes it stops the crying for a short time.
Cal sounds like a handful. My little Porscha is such a sweet heart. She demands lots of love and attention and I get kisses on the nose as a treat. I can’t possibly rehome her. She would be desperately looking for me like your mams cat. They don’t understand. We just have to give extra loves.
Good luck with booking the appointment and choosing what to do. I keep going back to the tribute site but it is so upsetting seeing mam smiling at me. I couldn’t go with them on holiday and I was always invited. I’m so claustrophobic and had Porscha. I wish I could have been perfect for mam and made her life perfect and happy all of the time. I know that’s not realsitic but I just feel so guilty for being me and the stress I must have caused her. If we could have a wish it would be to have never grown up, to stay a child forever and play tea parties, dress up and make camps under the table. I have lovely memories but they aren’t enough and upsets me to think of them because I can’t have her back. I know I’m exhausted and in shock at my sisters news on top of losing mam and then getting her ashes was like a final curtain. I want to hold her purple hand in the chapel of rest and tell her how much I love her. I want her to visit me and never leave. I would do anything to see her again.

1 Like

Hi Christine,

I hope you managed to get some sleep even if it was for an hour or so.

Managed to get my memorial tattoos booked for beg of Feb and even joined a local gym in order to try and lose some weight/get fit…will see how long that lasts lol.

Like you I was very babied/protected by my mum and I took it for granted and now my routine is gone and I find myself having to do everything and I just can’t find the time sometimes and that’s when I get even more upset but I believe in tune when I get my new routine it’ll be less exhausting (I gotta believe that or I might as well just give up now).

Mum always knew how to ‘handle’ me and deal with my mental issues and reassure me and I find not having that buffer/reassurance puts me into a tail spin occasionally.

Please never regret spending time in your garden as that seems to be when you’re happiest and have great memories of your mum in the garden. Reflect on that time with fondness and if your mum was like mine she would take pleasure in knowing you were doing something you enjoyed.

Take care Christine,

Suzanne x

Hi, Having an awful day. Can’t get out of bed but fed my little cat. I had a face full of kisses waking me up so that was nice. I’ll be devastated when she dies.
I’m so pleased you got your tats booked and joined a gym. Being busy means you don’t have time to dwell but I can’t imagine doing any work. I can’t even clean up the cat sick that’s waiting for me in the kitchen. Curtains are still closed. I’m just hiding in the dark. My sisters news has absolutely floored me. My being trapped at home is a reaction to a life I had to leave behind, cut all connections and I was so traumatised I couldn’t move on. I had a full life with a good job and friends. My sister was my carer for years. She just doesn’t care. I only have my sister and her family and my parents and therapist. Now mam is gone and my sister will be as soon as she can find somewhere to move to. If mam was still here it wouldn’t be happening. I just can’t face going in the garden. Everything I did before she left feels like the time could have been spent with her instead. Nothing has any value without her. Sorry, I don’t want to put a dampner on your enthusiasm. I had started picking myself up before my sisters news, and then the ashes was heartbreaking all over again. Take care x

1 Like

You haven’t put a dampener on anything and just wish could say something that would help.

I do understand just wanting to sit in the dark and cry and not going to lie that I’ve had a lot of those days and I know I’ll have more but one of my Xmas presents I found mum had bought me was a diary so I’m trying to use it as a gratitude diary and every night I try find something (however little) that I am grateful for during the day be it a text from a friend checking in on me or even having a laugh at work. I am literally clutching at straws some days to find something but if I don’t I will give up.

Some days I think people have forgotten me or don’t care but then something happens and I am reminded that it’s not the case so please don’t give up on yourself as you will have people who care for you but maybe you need to approach them as they are maybe reluctant to contact you incase they interrupt you grieving.

I understand to an extent about you not wanting to go into the garden. When mum was with me I was a massive fan of photography but since she passed on I haven’t taken one single photo as she was my biggest fan and without her I don’t see the point.

Take care of yourself and keep posting

Suzanne x

Hi, I’ll try your diary of a good thing a day. I had made my own A4 diary with computer paper so I would have lots of space because I usually have lots to say and it was an idea of writing my thoughts to mam to be close to her. I haven’t been able to touch it. Writing here does help in so far as knowing others are sad too, even though I find it heartbreaking to hear all the stories. Just hearing about your diary from your mam made me cry because mam always bought me diaries when I was younger but she stopped because I stopped writing in them. I wish I had been kinder and more considerate and more appreciative of who she was and what she did for me. I hate that I am me. Nobody likes me as a person because I am outspoken and won’t be pushed around. I don’t push anyone else around. It’s a reaction to what is done to me. I won’t be walked all over. I did have a very outgoing fun loving personality before the stalking and since then the panic and trauma has kept me isolated. So instead of kindness and understanding I am attacked because I won’t do as I am told (I am 51!)
I could try writing my poetry, inspired by mam, but it would be so dark that it would be depressing for anyone reading it. I thought I could create a textile hanging with mams clothes and add all the ‘tags’ I’d created from my memory tree (in hand embroidery) but I can’t do it. I can’t do anything except miss her and fight with my family who do not think I should be this upset. They haven’t bothered even contacting me after the ashes and I was devastated all over again. It was like she had died a second time. I just feel so very desperate and want my mam. I can’t even cry now. I gave up ringing my sisters before the ashes because they just ignore my phone calls. It’s like a bomb has exploded in the family and I have no one to protect me. I wish I’d talked more with mam about things. I didn’t know what was going on. It’s like there’s no one keeping the peace now so they can say what they want to me. I have been told that I am too extreme, I have serious mental health (I am grieving for mam!) and won’t help myself because I won’t take medication like my sisters (I have ongoing therapy), that I don’t care about dad because I cannot stay living here if my sister leaves. I cannot look after myself let alone be there for dad. I am their target and I just want to grieve for my mam. She asked my sister to look out for me because she was so worried leaving me behind when she knew she would go and my sister is now moving away as quickly as she can because mam is not here to tell her not to.
I realise how dysfunctional my family are and it is because of mam’s leaving that I am dealing with their issues as well. I’m so exhausted and have nobody apart from all the lovely people here who are so kind. I don’t understand why my family will not let me just grieve. Dad said he’s lost his wife and he’s not in this state and that I need medication. I don’t. I am heartbroken.
About the photography, you could include pics in your diary for your mam as your good thing that day. I don’t know why I’m able to think of things to do but not able to do it for myself. My sister told me I have no self esteem and that’s why I feel so guilty about mam. If that were true I wouldn’t be an artist. I just can’t be who I was before mam, do any of the things that gave me joy or made my day productive. I am hollow and can only see her, usually in the chapel of rest. I wish I was able to keep mam forever, like pets after they die. I’m not mad. I’m just so desperate to be with her again. Sorry x

2 Likes

What a great idea you just suggested about including a photo in my diary as I hadn’t even considered that so thank you :pray: x

I have a couple of favourite cardigans that I now see in pretty much every photo and my friend is very crafty so I’m going to ask her to make them into cushion covers so that I can take her with me when I go on holiday etc.

Your dad is perhaps of the generation that you just ‘get on with things’ and grieve when alone so perhaps his comment is him trying to convince himself that he’s coping more than a dig at you.

Your sister is maybe just needing to leave so she can avoid feeling her loss totally and is more to do with her rather than yourself and the avoiding your calls etc is maybe just them trying to deal with their grief. It’s not fair to not even acknowledge your calls etc as they obviously know you would be anxious but that’s family for you :woman_shrugging: x

I am so sorry that you are finding no peace just now and if you’re still waiting on your sleeping tablets perhaps maybe try Bach Rescue Remedy if you haven’t already done so as it can’t help but try.

Take care and better get an early night as have work tomorrow.

Suzanne x

Hi, I’ve just spoken to my therapist and feel better about things. He is always able to see through the emotion and read what is happening for everyone in the family. I’m just exhausted with not sleeping and maybe over reacting but then didn’t expect to be bombarded with them trying to fix me and not just accept that I’m grieving for mam. I do think my sister is running away and hasn’t grieved at all. My own reaction to that is to move away from everyone and join a commune but I can’t imagine how that would work given my anxiety and needing my own space. So I’ll stay put and just see what each day throws at me. I’ve made it this far (don’t know how). Sleep well x
I’m making cushions with my mams cardies and velvet skirts. Colourful and plush to go with my Indian decoration. It will be like taking your mam on holiday with you. I actually washed the wool crochet blanket mam made years ago and will repair it to use in the sitting room. It went on every camping trip we ever had so lovely memories when I’m able to enjoy them again. x

2 Likes

Woke up crying for mam because I’m missing her so very much. I wish I’d been able to thank her being my mam. I am so lucky. She is so loved and loved us all so much, She is such a kind and gentle soul. I wish I could be more like her. I wish she would send me a sign or visit me. Please mam. I just miss you so very much.

1 Like

Just a tip for your cushion covers. I use pillows to cover. They make good arm rests and if you want smaller you can cut to size and just oversew. x

1 Like

Hi Christine,

Thank you for your cushion tip as wouldn’t have thought about that at all :slight_smile:

Sorry to hear that you woke up in such despair this morning. I often wake up not in tears but with such a black hole feeling in the pit of my stomach that it takes my breath away and I need some time to compose myself.

I’m positive that your mum knew you loved and appreciated her so please don’t stress about that.
I know for a fact that my mum knew I loved her with my whole being as did I know that was how she felt about me. I feel I am lucky in the fact that I literally have no regrets about my life and relationship with her and that’s one thing I am truly grateful for.
I wish you could give yourself a wee break from beating yourself up and hope you can focus on even one positive aspect of your relationship a day and build up.
I am pleased for you that you managed to speak to your therapist and that they were able to settle you albeit only a little.

You can still thank your mum for being her as well as do believe she will hear you and she will be giving you signs that she is with you but sometimes they are more subtle than other times.
My niece was telling me a couple of days ago that she knew granny ie my mum was with her at work that day as within one hour one of her favourite artists came on the radio and one of the songs was one that was played at her funeral. She laughed and found great comfort in it she said.
Just believe and you will see her signs.

Hope you are having some form of a peaceful evening.

Take care,

Suzanne

Hi, I was able to see my therapist and it always makes more sense when I do. I do feel guilty about everything and realise if she was here still I would be cracking on with my work and blog and getting things done which I had planned to do over the winter. It’s just because I am so desperately missing her. It’s a sadness I could not have possibly ever imagined. My therapist said the trick is to stop holding onto the grief and guilt in order to feel close to her again. But I just can’t move forward. It feels like I would be leaving her behind and that I couldn’t have loved her enough to get over the intensity of my grief. I know people move on but I really do feel like a child, abandoned and so alone and unable to cope. I haven’t opened my curtains for two days now. But I did get up and dressed and out. I will go and watch tv now because it is better than sitting not doing anything. I move from one time capsule to another. I miss her and cry whatever I do but sometimes tv can take my attention away from my grief for a short time. And then I’m back to the intensity again. I’m so exhausted because I can’t sleep more than four hours a night.
One of mams songs from the service came on tv and it just made me cry and I had to turn it off. I just can’t celebrate or take comfort in anything because it just reminds me that she’s not here and that just breaks my heart all over again. Its making me cry writing this.
I know mam would tell me she knows how much I love her and to not be silly and not be upset but I can’t stop it. I’m sure I will in time, as people do, but I’m just desperate to keep her as close to me as I can. Every morning I wake and know now that it is true and just start crying. I don’t know how I’ve got through the 7 weeks since she left. It’s all a blur. And nobody has phoned me since picking up her ashes on Friday. It’s like my family don’t care about me since mam left me.
Going to watch some tv. It is just filling in a chunk of time until I go to bed but it’s better than sitting in the dark. Take care x

2 Likes

Hi. I’ve been following your posts for a while. Same thing with me. I lived with Mum and I was her carer and she passed unexpectedly 7 weeks ago. I get those feelings of dread and emptiness nearly every morning . Horrible . I’m just still in disbelief that she is not here as her health ( or so I thought) wasn’t too bad. To lose the most precious thing in life is heartbreaking .

3 Likes

Hi @NEILB72

I am so sorry to hear of your mums passing and like you I didn’t think my mum’s health was so bad that she would go from a chest infection to gone in under 10 days :frowning: I suspect when I look back that she maybe was more unwell than she let on and our last wee holiday away before she died I think was her party gift to us as I asked her if we should cancel it and she was adamant definitely not…and I knew better than to argue with her!

Do you have a good support network near/with you?
It’s coming gone to an empty, dark house that upsets me most days but I need to work like everyone else as I am now an ‘adult’ now apparently.

If you’d ever like to talk about your mum we’d all like to hear about when you feel up to it .

Suzanne x

2 Likes

Hi Christine,

Yeah I’m not keen on being the whole, responsible adult bit and evening coming home and having to think about meals etc is a drag. My mum always said to me how did I think people with families copied with working and doing chores etc and my reply was I had her and she’d shake her head in the way that only mothers would get away with lol.

I hope you can find some peace from your TV viewing and have as quiet a night as you can.

Take care and will check in with you tomorrow.

Suzanne x

My Mum had been showing funny symptoms the last weekend in November. Was sick and then felt sleepy then OK. Same thing Monday . Had these symptoms before . Anyway I wanted to get her checked out. Tuesday morning she had a cough and rasping breathing which she has never had before. Ambulance came. They found blood sugar levels dangerously low even though she’s not diabetic. Had a 2 hour wait for a bed at the hospital. Mum started going into a deep sleep. Finally got seen in A and E . Blood pressure and everything else was normal . Bloods done , infection found but no idea where it was.
I wasn’t allowed to say much longer so came home planning for Mum to be moved to another ward and to see her the following day. Got a phone call to say she wasn’t responding to antibiotics and to get back to the hospital as soon as possible. I was too late. Mum had passed away. The infection of unknown source had turned to sepsis but she also had undetected congestive heart failure. A few days before she was OK then downhill rapidly in an afternoon . Still cant believe it now .

2 Likes

Oh I can’t believe how many parallels there are between your mum and my mum…the only major difference is my mum had extremely high blood sugars but the speed of it all, the heart condition, the tiredness…all so familiar. I know that will be of little consolation to either of us really but it took my a little off guard reading it.

I can’t begin to imagine how it was/is for you that you couldn’t be with her at the end or say farewell as one of the only consolation I had in accepting her death was I was fortunate to be there and I literally heard her final heart beat…still not sure if that was a totally good or bad thing tbh.

Being there and caring for them in a house that is now devoid of their laughter is what I am struggling most with…not sure if that’s familiar to you.

Have as peaceable night as you can and keep posting as there are so many nice people here that I/we all want to help each other even if it’s just to let you know we’re here for you

Take care,

Suzanne x

1 Like

We both loved watching Vera and I actually took some comfort in it rather than it making me cry. I think I’ve cried so much I’m empty. I’m sad thinking about everything she will miss out on. Still can’t believe it’s true. Keep having to remind myself that it really has happened.
I watched Sue Perkins’ Van Living in America and I wonder again if I should abandon my empty life and just tour round in a camper van. We always had camping trips into my adult life and it reminded me of the freedom of being outdoors. I just can’t cope with sitting in this house for the rest of my life waiting to meet me mam again. But then I don’t have the energy or the willpower to even think it through. I just want things to return to normal with mam back where she was and everything as it should be before she was unwell. I really did see the reality of her poor health. I wonder why I was in such denial. I’m too tired to cry again. x

2 Likes

Hi Neil, I’m so sorry about your mam. We didn’t know my mam had stage 4 gall bladder cancer. She kept getting pain, not telling anyone, going to bed, calling the paramedics out when the pain was in her chest but tests showed it wasn’t her heart. She went in as she had done many times and I expected her to come out as she had every time before. She passed a week later. Even though we were all with her it’s of little comfort now because she’s still not here and I still cannot believe that it is true. I’ve been distraught ever since. Everyone here has heartbreaking stories of their loved ones. It’s like entering into another world. Deja vu. Everyday I wake, not having slept much, and just start crying for her. I go throughout the day and night in different shades of sadness and utter despair. I’m like a child and feel so alone it actually frightens me. I’ve lived alone for years but mam was my daily phone call and I would see her throughout the week, pre covid. I would give everything I have for just one phone call with her to tell her all the things I want to say and to hear her voice again. It’s mams birthday on Wednesday and she will be 80. We were going to have a big bash for her but she’s not here. It’s so unfair. She didn’t deserve it. Nobody does. Mam didn’t tell me how it would be without her. She didn’t have that conversation with me. I’m so lonely without her. I wish I could take her place because I just can’t take the unbearable pain of not having her here. It does help to chat on here. There are so many lovely people. It’s helped me. Keep posting x

1 Like

Hi Christine 51
Everything you have described about your mum and how much you miss her is exactly how I am feeling and trying to cope, the guilt won’t leave me, I wish too I could have done things differently, even though everyone said I did everything I could for mum, having gave up my job to care for her at home so she could be with all her family, I can’t seem to move forward, can’t enjoy anything because I feel I’d be leaving mum behind, feeling guilty she’s not here to enjoy life with us anymore is so heartbreaking :cry: I’m 6 months into this horrible journey and it doesn’t seem to be getting any better, always here for a chat, take care
Lynn xx

3 Likes