do not do anything until a year or more passes. forget those urges. not wise just saying …
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Two months ago I would never in a million years thought I would be posting on here . Mum had some health problems but all seemed pretty stable. Then all downhill in a couple of days.
I was her carer for several years and I enjoyed it. I tried to make her life as enjoyable and comfortable as possible after we lost Dad. She did miss him terribly . I’m really missing him right now as struggling to deal with everything since .
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Hi Neil, My mam is everything to me. She made my world seem ok. It was always so stressful going to see my parents because of my panic attacks. I’m so lost without her. We didn’t know she had cancer and left us within a week. I couldn’t have a real conversation because she was on morphine. I long to tell her how precious she is to me. It’s so heartbreaking that you have lost both parents. My dad can’t understand why I’m so devastated and just wants me to take pills so I can be fixed and be normal but that isn’t going to happen. Mam accepted my limitations and didn’t put any pressure on me when I couldn’t leave the house to see her. I wish I was able to be normal like I used to be. I wish I was perfect and could have made her life special. I know I’m punishing myself because I’m so upset because she left me behind. I would do anything to be with her x
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Hi Christine. I could accept my Dad passing away as he really could and should have gone 8 years earlier because of losing a leg to necrotizing fasciitis and only being given a small chance of survival . He was amazingly strong and brave. A true hero.
I cant accept Mum passing though as her health was quite stable ( or so I thought ) and it’s still very raw and early yet to process what has happened. I like to think I gave her a good life while caring for her. It just seems so cruel that she isn’t here. She would be devastated how upset I am most days .
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It’s so hard not to be destroyed and guilty that I could have pushed myself harder to make the time more special but we didn’t know. I’m so pleased you had more time with your dad. It’s so hard to accept your mam leaving you when you had no warning. My mam had ongoing heart and breathing issues and was routinely going into hospital for tests with angina attacks but would be out the same day. It was normal. They could never find anything else wrong. She didn’t tell them about the pains starting in her stomach and would go to bed instead of phoning the paramedics. She only had a week from being diagnosed with the gall bladder cancer because it had spread. And because of covid I couldn’t visit the hospital until a couple of days before she passed. She hung on as long as she could and I will never forget her face as she gasped her last breath. It was horrific. She was such a gentle and loving person. It’s so unfair. I’m so distressed about her birthday card because it’s going to be late. I know it doesn’t matter now because she’s not here. And because of family issues I can’t celebrate with fireworks on the day. I’m so heartbroken. I just don’t see a reason for getting up and doing anything.
You must feel so lost without her. I’m so sorry Neil. Mam’s are so precious. She was my comfort, encouragement and strength to get through the day before she left me. Now there is just a void. I washed my hair today and did dishes. That is an achievement. Whatever you do accept it is a very long ‘journey’ you are on and the people here have been a great comfort to me. Being able to vent my grief and receiving encouragement and understanding keeps me going. I move from sheer panic and desperation to a deep sadness and then nothing at all, just a dull ache for her. Keep posting. I cannot help make any of it better. I have nothing to share other than my despair. But to know others are feeling what you are and at various stages in the process is reassuring. Both of my sisters are on medication and think I should be too because I am so distressed. Be angry. Be desperate. Be sad. Be whatever you feel. The only thing which will make it alright is for this to have never happened. I’m hit with reality every time I wake up and then panic because I can’t believe it’s true. It’s 7 weeks for me. I keep wishing I could go back in time to when I was a little girl and mam was young and enjoying life. It’s just so hard.
Take care and keep posting xxx
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It’s 7 weeks for me too ( tomorrow in fact). I must admit I’ve had to reach out to Cruse, Samaritans and Mind ( who I have a telephone appt with tomorrow) and it has helped a bit. Most friends , family ( the ones I speak to) and neighbours mean well and everything but hardly any have suffered grief like we are going through. They just go back to their normal lives but one day it will happen to them . That’s just the way it is.
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A few people have said it’s like being in a club. It’s so true. Until it happens nobody can begin to imagine the level of emotional pain and it’s such a prolonged state to be in. There’s no respite. Whatever helps you, whoever you talk to, keep doing it. My therapist is lovely and even though the idea is to start doing things that meant something to me before she went so I stop holding onto the grief I just can’t let go. It’s so overwhelming I just don’t have a choice. I know people do move forward and I welcome some peace, however little, I would feel so guilty to leave her behind. She is everything to me and I can’t let her go. I’m so isolated and have fallen out with family that posting here is my only other way forward. Keep posting and take each day as a new start, however bad you feel. It’s all you can do. Sending you love xxx
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That’s so true I have been told several times to go places or do things that my mum would have gone with us or done but it’s still too raw and I feel like I would be moving on without her or some how betraying her for trying to enjoy those things that she can’t do now but I can’t do it it almost feels like waiting to step through a door and once I’ve done that I’m leaving mum behind and I can’t 
, the emotion of guilt is so powerful
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I just have the energy to move forward and I’m trying to work out when she was feeling ill, when she lost her appetite and nobody noticed. She would make the dinner for dad and then have a sandwich herself and then not finish it. I thought she was trying to lose weight. I was so shocked when they came back from holiday. I was angry she wouldn’t have the shake supplement. I’m so angry at myself that I didn’t even think of cancer. My poor mam. If only we knew. We could have said our goodbyes and made the time special but we didn’t know. I’m so heartbroken about so much that I can’t enjoy any of the memories, it’s so painful. I’ve just woke up and I’m crying again. It’s her birthday tomorrow. I always thought she’s be a very old lady and still have so much time left. I didn’t realise how precious and limited her time was. I’d do anything to go back. That’s why I can’t go forward. I’m trying to work things out and see what I could have done to make things better for her. I know I can’t take the cancer away but I could have helped her, done things for her, lay on the bed with her and talked to her, just have been with her. She must have spent so much time on her own in bed when she didn’t feel well. I was doing my garden when I should have been with her.
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Oh @lynn2691 I feel that and empathise with what you say 
x
I think of things I want to do or places I want to go that I did with mum but when it comes to it I just bottle it.
Knowing she’s not in my passenger seat driving somewhere with me is still very unreal 
.
Take care,
Suzanne
The thing about mums is that they only tell/told us what they wanted us to know. They wanted to protect us from their illness/not feeling well.
I remember 18 years ago having a big row with my mum and it was something we ‘discussed’ over the years. She needed a huge heart operation and every time I asked when it was she said she hadn’t heard yet. I came home from work one night and out of the blue she said ‘oh by the way my operation is tomorrow and I’m heading to the hospital tonight…’. I totally freaked and asked why she had kept lying to me and she said that she knew that if she told me the date then I would cease to function and she wanted to protect me…and whether I liked it or not she was correct. Imagine the night before an operation that could be potentially fatal you thought of someone so much they would lie to protect!!!
So I reckon your mum not telling you was how she was coping with illness and protecting you…whether it was right who knows but gotta respect and love them for that.
Knowing you were happy in your garden perhaps brought her comfort so wasn’t as lonely as you fear…i could be wrong but your mum sounds like she wouldn’t want you to worry if you knew she wasn’t feeling well.
Will be thinking of you tomorrow and I’ll light a candle tonight and dedicate to everyone here missing their loved ones who have left us too early.
Take care,
Suzanne
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Hiya,
You’re right. Mam didn’t want me to worry and she knew I would. I just wish I could have done something, anything to stop her leaving me. She hid not feeling well from everyone, probably even herself because she didn’t like going to hospital. I understand that but I’m now left without my mam and she never sat me down and had any final conversations to make me understand how precious her time was. When I was given a job to do I had to get it finished before I went home, no matter what it was. That’s why I would come home thinking that I’d hardly even chatted to her. Weeding the garden is of no significance now. All the things I want to say now that I can’t mean everything. But if she knew how I’ve been giving myself a hard time she would tell me not to be so silly.
I’m feeling less tearful today and more stable in that I’m not drowning in my grief and clinging onto whatever I can to punish myself with. I thought she was stressed because of me being anxious but I realise now that it is not her stress but mine to own. She understood and accepted that I might not be able to drive over to see her every time I had planned to. I’m so exhausted in blaming myself instead of accepting that she is gone. And that I have not done anything to make her unhappy. I just wish I wasn’t agoraphobic with panic attacks. It would have been easier to see her but my time would have been limited because I would be going out to work. It really is different perspectives. I always enjoyed being with her and she always wanted to see me and was disappointed if I couldn’t go. But she understood. I think my guilt is my anger at myself for not being able to fight against the anxiety which made it difficult to relax when I was with her. I realise that now.
That really is a shocker, your mam telling you the night before the op. But it’s true that you would have been so very worried you wouldn’t have gone into work, or been at work and not be able to concentrate etc etc. Mam’s do know everything. I’m not a mam so I don’t know the things that mams know. It is like being a child all of my life. My sisters knew how ill mam was and I just couldn’t see it.
That’s a lovely idea to light a candle for everyone. And to think of me tomorrow. I’ve given up on doing something on the day. I will light candles around my memory tree (hope it doesn’t rain) and take pics and post on her tribute site where I can add virtual cards, thoughts, candles and presents. I will update her timeline from birth to her birthday. I think I’ve cried so much I don’t have anything left.
Love xxx
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Hi Suzanne,
Rambling is needed sometimes and if it makes you feel better then so be it, nothing wrong with that at all!
What good memories do you have of her? you’ve gone from one extreme to the other in terms of being around your mum 24/7 and suddenly having to adapt to being on your own, that’s hard for anyone in most situations so don’t feel like you don’t see a future, adapting takes time especially in this situation.
You clearly loved each other very much and I’m sure she would love to see you happier in life, in terms of your friends, maybe they think they are helping by keeping their distance and giving you space but everyone copes with grief differently. Some do like to be left alone, some need to have people around them to make them feel that they aren’t alone.
Maybe try forcing the issue, actually asking them if you can see them? unfortunately and I know this sounds harsh now but this is the most likely time that you’ll find out who your true friends are…
I lost my mum when I was 10 and I’m now 35, so I understand how you feel…
It will get easier, its still very raw at the moment and over time you will learn how to deal with your feelings easier, whether you develop your own way of remembering her or you discover a hobby or something to concentrate your thoughts on.
Hang in there and look after yourself, its all about you at the moment so just do whatever you need to do 
x
Lee
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Had a couple of good/ better days. The first time two in a row since Mum passed on 30th Nov. Haven’t woken with that anxiety , fear and dread . I know I will have bad days again but I’m starting to get my head in a better place. I need to keep it there.
Picked Mum’s ashes up and have her home again with me until I have her buried with Dad at a later date. She was superstitious about robins. I went into the kitchen yesterday and there was one on the path. It flew under the window and stood for a few seconds looking me right in the eyes. I had a strange feeling for a moment and knew that the robin was sending a message from Mum. I never believed that sort of thing before but I do now.
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Hi Neil,
‘When robins appear, loved ones are near’. They are messengers from loved ones, signifying peace, new beginnings and life. I have a robin who always follows me round the garden when I’m busy. They are very peaceful beings. It was your mam saying hello. Look out for her again. Do you feed the birds? I do. It’s lovely to see and hear them. You can get plastic feeders to stick onto the window so you can watch them close up. It’s like having wild pets where my garden is natural aviary. They give you so much joy for very little effort. You’ve inspired me to go into the garden today to feed the birds and light a candle at my memory tree for my mam. It’s her 80th birthday today. I was so upset when I woke up but I’m feeling better having seen your post. Thank you x
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I’m so glad to have brightened up your day, especially on a day like today. I have mostly pigeons and crows visiting me as well as magpies and blue tits. Robins are special though. I will be looking for him every day now! Hope you get through the rest of the day the best you can and light a candle for your mum.
I’ve got a few months for the first Birthday without Mum as she was born in August.
Got some comfort now her ashes her home and was looking at some photos with so many happy memories yesterday .
Thinking of you on this difficult day for you.
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Hi Neil, We created a tribute site for mam - muchloved - and you can post all your pics, light candles, send cards and thoughts, create a timeline etc for your mam. It’s free and you can but more space to add extra later on. You can keep it forever and everyone can add to it with you as guardian (so you are in charge of what goes on there). Its helped me a lot. I posted the content of the services at church (hymns and song lyrics, tributes and poetry) and the tribute of images showing mams life. It allowed everyone who couldn’t attend from up north to see her send off. I also did photo albums for the wake and simply rephotographed everything on a low setting to then load onto the site. It’s easy to do.
I started off quite enthusiastic, added cards and flowers to her tribute site, fed the birds and changed the bed but didn’t get much further. I just feel hollow after I got upset. It’s like I’m waiting to go over to celebrate but know it’s not going to happen and don’t know what to do instead. I didn’t order my rose because I can’t guarantee I can go out there to pot it and look after it. My card hasn’t arrived and so I have nothing for her. I didn’t realise her birthday had come around so quickly because the days just roll into each other. Sorry if I’ve put a dampner on your day. My little robin was there and I thought of your mam as well as my own.
Much love xxx
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Christine you haven’t put a dampener on my day at all. It’s so good to talk on here as we all understand what each other is going through.
When Mum was alive I was so scared about anything happening to me and leaving her on her own , the pain that we are going through now. Now, when the time comes, I have no fear of dying at all as long as I dont get to suffer. Some people believe and some dont but I want to think that I will see Mum and Dad again. Sorry for being a bit morbid but that’s the way I feel now. I see life and death differently to what I did.
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I can’t wait to meet mam again, to be with her. To have to wait a lifetime feels like treading water, filling in time. But I do believe that we will meet our loved ones, wherever and however that is. It’s true that my perception of life and death had changed because I had nothing to gage it by. All I want is my mam, to be here, to have never left me behind. Life seems so empty now and pointless. There is a massive feeling of just waiting. Waiting to get through the day, to sleep, always looking for a sign. I thought I would feel close to her on her birthday but I don’t It feels like she didn’t show up. My sister called round unexpectedly and I couldn’t speak to her or let her in. I just want to hide.
I would feel the same if I was looking after mam, about leaving her. My parents moved into assisted living accommodation with carers and nurses on hand 24 7 if they needed it so I had peace of mind that the physical needs were met. But I feel so guilty that I didn’t know she was at the end of her life. I didn’t know to make the time special. I was doing my garden and laying loft boards before winter thinking we had the run up to Christmas with all the lovely things to enjoy. She went into hospital with pain and I expected her to come back out as usual but she didn’t and was diagnosed with gall bladder cancer and passed within a week. It was end stage and had spread to her liver. I said I would gladly give her my liver but nothing could be done. We were all there with her but I just cannot bear the pain of not having her here. She was so worried about leaving me behind. I wish I would die in my sleep, just not wake up so I can be with her. She is everything to me. I feel dead inside.
x
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Hiya @pointer7,
What a lovely reply and I have so many great memories of her I feel honoured and spoiled to have them.
I think you are spot on in that they thought they were being respectful in being distant and I am trying to not be too needy but am getting better even in this short space of time in asking for help or even a couple hours company. Being back at work has actually helped as I am with good friends there and when I finish.
I have started a couple of new hobbies and once the longer nights come in I’ve got a few plans.
I hope you are keeping well and again thank you for your reply,
Suzanne x