So lost

My lovely husband passed away October 19. He was my everything, it wasn’t expected, he had been recently diagnosed with advanced lung cancer however complications set in and a rare blood condition developed. Andy passed away peacefully with me and his girls at his side. I hate living without him. My life is so empty. I want to join him but that wouldn’t be fair to the family. I struggle each day that passes. All I want is to hold his hand, to kiss him and wrap my arms around him to feel his warmth. All I think is that as each day goes by is another day closer to being with him.
Andy brought love, laughter and happiness into my life. His presence filled the house and now it feels empty. I hate food but eat so that I can function. 6 weeks after my gorgeous Andy passed away, my lovely mum passed away and I haven’t even been able to grieve for her which I feel guilty about. I can’t even go to my mum for comfort. Family and friends have been great but I feel so lost.

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All I can say is my feelings are similar to yours. I lost my mum and lifelong partner ( completely unexpectedly ) within 3 months. I don’t think I’ll ever get over the shock of his sudden death.
We have no children and nearly 2 years later I feel worse than ever.
I have nobody to comfort me , my brother and sister rarely talk about him and think I should be enjoying life again by now.
All I really want to do is go to sleep and not wake up. Nothing helps me.
I wish I could say something more to help you but all I can do is let you know you’re not alone in the way you feel. Sadme

Hi Andrew50, your two losses mirror mine except it was my Mum who went first she was not in good health and at 88 it was expected. I was her carer and thought when she passed that myself and my husband would get our life back and it would be our time. we he had spent the 2 years of his retirement looking after Mum and Dad (who is now in a care home with dementia) Then out of the blue 3 weeks after Mum my Darling Colin took a sudden and unexpected heart attack, He had not been feeling well for a few weeks and was due to get an MRI scan when it happened. To say I am in shock is an understatement and when something like this happens you just want your Mum no matter what age you are :cry: like you I feel guilty as I have not grieved properly for Mum as Colin’s loss has overtaken all my emotions. I also have an amazing family and friends who have been so supportive but it’s not the same is it. Andy was yours, your own special person and your story has ended in such a cruel way. Colin was like Andy he was full of fun and daftness everyone loved him and the emptiness I feel is devastating. I am 7 weeks down the line and most days I spend crying non stop but today was actually bearable so there may be light at the end of the tunnel after all. Everyone on here is in the same boat and understand how you are feeling so it helps to chat to others who know what you are going through.
Sending you positive thoughts
V xx

It is so hard. I miss his laughter. He could always make me laugh to the point where I couldn’t breath and tears would be rolling down my face. He was my true love. I think if you are lucky you will find that one person who fulfills everything in your life, Andy was that person. I’m empty I exist that’s it. I cry most days. The new year scares me as it is like a vast black hole. We travelled at least twice a year we enjoyed life. He made my life so happy. I am what I am today because of him and his never ending support and love. Why is life so cruel

Hello sad me.
I feel for you. 3 months is no time at all to “move on”. I think unless you have experienced this intense grief you don’t understand. People can only imagine and that doesn’t come anywhere close. I couldn’t care less what people think. Andy was my everything and I will not move on and I will not forget him. I am so much still in love with him. My sister said to me be kind to yourself and how true those words are. I don’t do what o don’t want to I don’t go where I don’t want to go. Everyday is a struggle and everyday is painful. This is my grief. They say grief is love with no where to go. I agree. Thank goodness for forums like this where we can say how we feel without being judged. Y

No, it was only 3 months between losing my mother and partner. That was nearly 2 years ago
All I say us “move on to what?” I had the life I wanted now I’ve got nothing. More money and time than I’ve ever had in my life but not one thing I want to do. People seem to think this gets better in time for many of us it doesn’t. Sadme

I hear you and totally understand what you are saying. I know I’m in the early stages of all this awfulness. I talk to him all the time, I’ve put photos up all around the house so that every room I go in he is there, I can see him. I’m just so thankful that he loved the camera. I have only been a part of this forum since yesterday evening. It has helped me as I have read what other people have been saying. It makes me cry because I can see me and my feelings in their words. But in some way it helps as I know I’m not alone in how I’m feeling.

It’s that split second every morning when you wake up and reach out to the other side of the bed which is now empty and you remember what you have lost :sob: getting up to another day without the love of your life being with you. You go through the motions but life will never be the same. Like you with Andy I miss Colin’s wit and humour he was the funniest guy I have ever met. We used to laugh till the tears ran down our cheeks. I was in a bad marriage for years then I met Colin and he showed me how amazing a good marriage can be. We always used to say ‘If you have to work hard at a marriage it’s obviously not that great’ We just got on so well, were so compatible. He was the one person I could be truly myself with, no inhibitions, totally comfortable and at ease. We too used to go on holiday twice a year and now I have no longing to do so as without Colin by my side what is the point :cry: he made everything more enjoyable. I only had him 12 years, married for 10 of them but they were the best years of my life and I would not trade them for anything. Take comfort in the fact that you and I were lucky to have found our soulmate and to have loved and been loved and hopefully that can sustain us.
Hoping you have a better day
V xx

Oh wow our lives are so alike in so many ways. I too came from a bad relationship. Andy did everything he could to let me have a fantastic life. We were together for 17 glorious years married for 12.5. I too would not trade any of those years for anything except to be with him again. Andy let me be me, he was the my one and only true love. He was perfectly imperfect my special guy. I miss him so so much

I know the similarities between us are unbelievable! I am not a Mum but have 2 step daughter’s who live on the other side of the world so only see them once a year whether that continues now their Dad has gone I don’t know.
How old was Andy when he passed? Colin was 67 which is no age nowadays. You would have thought he was 30 mind you as he had such a young outlook on life and kept up with the latest trends, technology etc He was so personable, spoke to everyone whether it was a homeless person or some lord that he went clay pigeon shooting with. All the cards I received when he went testified how much he was adored and would be missed. How do you feel about your future without Andy? New year was hell for me looking towards a year without him beside me. I know your lovely family will keep you going as have mine. I also have brilliant friends who are getting me through but sometimes I just want to be alone with my wee Daisy dog and look at photos and videos of Colin. I don’t know how we have managed so far mind you as some days All I can think about is wanting to be with him again :cry: They say you never get over it you just get through it and I am sure you and I will get through it eventually, what other choice do we have eh :cry:
V xx

Andy was 59 going on 18. His outlook was so young. He was a big kid at heart. So fun loving and wanting to try anything and everything. He was my geek, he loved his gadgets. I worried that Andys daughters wouldn’t want to know me but that has not happened., they have been brilliant. I was encouraged to get a puppy, hard work but she has kept me going.

59 is no age is it :cry: hard to come to terms with. Like me you thought you would be growing old together then it all gets snatched away so abruptly and all the dreams and plans you had for the future is gone leaving you on your own. When I registered Colin’s death and saw that word ‘Widow’ on the certificate it was like a punch in the face, the reality that you were no longer part of a couple, that the love and banter you shared was no more :sob: where do we go from here? I just exist I don’t live anymore. My best friend says there will be good times again but just different ones. At this moment in time I find that hard to believe but I certainly hope it’s true for all of us. I am glad you have a puppy she will keep you occupied and make you go out. I have a wee teacup Yorkie and it’s her that makes me get out my bed in the morning or I probably wouldn’t bother. They sense when you are having a bad day and a wee doggie cuddle can help you through the day.
V xx

My girls knew what they were doing encouraging me to get a puppy. I don’t think I would be here otherwise. There are still days when I could just give up and go to sleep to be with him. Life is so boring and meaningless without him. I too sometimes forget for that split second and then reality hits like a sledgehammer. I feel like I pretend every day hat I am alright when I’m not. I do that to help others feel better. I don’t mean that nastily either. My girls have helped me so much and I love all my family. Andy was my everything just everything :heart:

I know lovely, you put a face on for others but inside you just want to be back with Andy I am the same (with Colin though not Andy) :joy: I have decided to stop being a people pleaser now and do what is right for me. If I feel like :poop: so be it I do what gets me through the day. I long for the darkness to fall as I know bed time is not far away and I can sleep as it is my only respite from this pain in my heart.
Your girls sound amazing and I am sure they are so proud of how well you are doing even if you feel you are not trust me the fact you are here and we are chatting about our fabulous husbands shows me that you are getting through it.

The things you are saying is how I am. This is getting spooky now lol. It has been so good to talk to you. Thank you for your messages, I feel in some way a sense of relief that I am not alone now. Sleep has been my respite too very much so. I just think when I wake here we are another but another day closer to you.

I see you have added a profile picture can I just say that it epitomises everything you have told me about your relationship you are so pretty & you guys look so happy & in love & Andy just exudes fun & laughter. I am actually shedding a tear that this has happened to you (and me) but maybe our two up there have seen how much we are both struggling with their loss & have pushed us together to help each other, who knows eh. Anyway I better take Daisy out for a wee & get my M&S ready meal for one in the microwave sad cow that I am :crazy_face: but remember anytime you want a chat or are struggling to get through the day I am here. I have chatted to a few folk on here but seem to have a connection with you which has been a lifeline today so Thank you for that :+1:
The name is Vanda by the way

My name is Tracy. I hate food lol

:joy::joy::joy: wish I did :pig::pig_nose:

Helps me sleep and function that’s it. Oh well and by the way you are not a sad cow at all. It’s :poop:and we deal with this the best way we can xx

It was 6 months on Monday that I lost my love of my life. My special guy my everything. I just miss him so much. I want to cuddle up to him and squeeze his belly and feel his warmth. I want to kiss his lips and hold him tight. I want to talk to him and to hear him answer me back. I want to hold his hand. I just want to be with him. As the poem goes if I could have just one more day. Would one more day be enough, I want a life time.
Just missing him so much