So utterly lonely

My beautiful wife of 23 years died 3 weeks ago aged 41. We buried her Friday. She was an extrovert, I am an introvert. I only had a life because of her. My friends are really her friends. I never did anything for or by myself because I was from the moment we met, totally in love with her and only ever needed her and nothing/nobody else. I cared for her 24/7 for the past 8 months as she slowly died, what ended up being a brutal death. Now I am completely alone. I’ve never felt such a profound sense of loneliness, like the entire universe is empty apart from me. I can’t even feel her presence or memory. It’s like she has abandoned me.

I have 2 children of 18 and 20 so I have to keep going each day to provide routine and stability for them, but I can’t bare the idea of living another 30 or 40 years like this. I know everyone says time is a healer, and part of me accepts that, but another part of me can’t imagine I will ever get over the loss of my soul mate. She was my other half; we were a unit, and now half of me is missing. The best half.

How does one live without being held closely and hugged?

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I’m so sorry this has happened to you. Believe me it will not always feel like this. What you feel is what we all feel or felt, it’s all part of the grief.

I’m 21 weeks today and I was where you were. Take small steps, hour by hour if necessary. The days do get lighter and less heavy and the pain doesn’t stop but is not so raw.

I too can live for 40 odd years still and the thought filled me with dread but now I feel I have a life to live and I’m going to be ok.

I wish you the best.

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Hello.

Its just over five weeks since I lost my partner suddenly. We were both introverts I suppose. We spent all of our time together doing things together, travelling away to visit places or to go to see the opera or theatre productions.

I’ve kept busy with seeing work colleagues for coffee and walks, but besides them, I don’t really have anyone. I chat to my parents each day, and my partners grandmother and one of his good friends from his university days, but that’s it really. I tell me work colleagues that I’ve got lots of our friends supporting me, but it’s not really true. We were our own little unit and were, I think, quite content like that.

I feel so alone when I come home. I chat to those people to distract myself, and I go for walks at the beach or local parks to be amongst nature. We both loved that. The sunny weather lately has helped in a way, making it easier to be outside, but equally seeing everyone going about their lives happily fills me with jealously and sadness.

I’m the same - I can’t imagine this being my life, or rather my existence from here on in. It feels utterly wrong. I text him every day with my thoughts, what I’ve done and where I’ve gone. As well as my annoyance and frustration that he’s left me. And constantly telling me how much I love him since I never did that enough when I was able.

I’d do anything to be hugged again.

Stay strong. It helps coming here.

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I dunno how - you just do ! Dont have much choice do we ! Least you can hug your children ! And do that too ! You will find other people will give you hugs in those early days ! Its a lonely journey not gonna lie but you do get a bit used to it and find new ways to make u happy ! Although that will take a while ! Its so utterly tragic i know but youre not alone now ! You got friends on here xx

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@Flotsom sorry for your loss. It’s 12 weeks today for me since I lost my husband of nearly 35 years to cancer. We didn’t have a huge amount of family or friends. I have made an effort to reach out to people as I hate being on my own now. Especially at home. I also write a journal where I tell my husband stuff and write about how I’m feeling. I have also used this forum a lot. I would say I am coping better than I was in the very early days/weeks. Still bad spells/days but not so all consuming as it was. I won’t lie though it’s the hardest thing I’ve ever had to deal with as I’m sure most people on here would agree. Share your thoughts, feelings, despair on here. We will all understand. Lean on your family and friends if you can. Take care.

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@Flotsom I’m sorry for you loss and you find yourself on this forum with us all.
It is such early days for you. It is a very lonely journey so take all help that is offered and just think one day at a time. Anything else is so overwhelming.
It’s 21 weeks today since I lost my partner unexpectedly. I can’t say the missing the hugs etc gets easier but living day to day is not as hard as in the early days.
I hope you find comfort on this forum . I found reading about others in the same situation has been a lifesaver.

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Thank you all so much. Today has been one of my worst yet, hence why I came online looking for support. I only joined this forum today and am astonished at how active it is, and how supportive everyone is. I’ve had friends visit and give me generic sympathetic advice, but without having experienced the loss of your life partner, no one can really understand or empathise.

All of you who have replied should know how helpful it is to know other people understand and care enough to help. Your words give more support than you might realise.

I hope things get better for me. I can’t actually remember my wife. My only memories are of her last few weeks dying at home. It was horrific and the image is burned in to my mind. I can’t recall any happy memories and don’t even dream of her. It’s like she was never in my life and it is ripping me apart. Not only do I no longer have her with me physically, but it feels like she has abandoned me spiritually/emotionally as well.

Reading the threads on this forum has helped though already. Thank you!

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@Flotsom
I think our brain protects us and is so busy trying to keep us going and flooding our body with chemicals to cope with all the pain and shock, it stops the memories. They do come back. You will feel her again. You will have a moment I’m sure, when you least expect it, and feel your wife’s presence.

I questioned the spiritual side after losing my partner, as I felt nothing and thought I would. But I have felt his presence, it’s not all the time but when I really need him, I feel him.

I hope it happens for you too. When your mind is not so overwhelmed your memories will come through.
Best wishes.

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@Flotsom grief can manifest in so many ways. I couldn’t look at photos or videos of my husband for weeks. I didn’t like being in my living room as all I could remember was his last days in there so ill. But gradually these things are improving. I still can’t watch any tv programmes we watched together but I can watch them at my daughter’s house. The mind is a strange machine.

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@Jan17 I feel very similar.

I struggled with being in the living room because it feels so bizarre being there without him.

Going into the bedroom is so hard after finding him there five Saturdays ago unable to wake him. I go in each morning and say good morning, and mostly cry hugging his pillow. I do the same at bedtime, saying goodnight. I’ve managed to sleep there twice now, well one and a half nights, but otherwise I’ve slept in another room. I don’t know how long that will continue.

So many tv programmes that we used to watch of an evening after dinner. Do I continue them because it would be a nice memory? Or give up because he’ll never see how they end?

It’s so difficult at the start, but it does become more bearable. It’s still painful and overwhelmingly sad, but the feelings that I initially had of being utterly unable to cope do ease. They’re still there, but not constant.

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You just have to do what u can bear and whats rght for you dont you ? Xxx

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@G1983 your are still earlier on this journey than me (12 weeks today). It’s only been maybe the last two weeks I’ve felt comfortable doing certain things. Some things I’m still not ready and maybe never will be and that’s ok. Go at your own pace. Like you I’m finding less utter despair than I had in the early weeks. Still have moments just not all the time. Take care.

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You are right about the generic sympathy but in order to understand you need to be there. And you dont wish that on anyone. I feel utterly alone abandoned lost and dont think I can ever accept my husband is gone. He is missing. Like his touch his laugh his wisdom hiim holding my hand, its all missing, he is missing. Its not better after over two years, its just different- not better & never will be. I am 64, in good physical health but my mind is broken, i don’t want to wake up. I look at my once close family and dont feel love anymore for anyone, i don’t understand why that’s gone when he left. Nothing really matters, all is broken

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I know what you mean ! Its like the meaning to life has gone ? We stored so much love and hope and joy in our husband and so ofcourse we feel ao alone now ! Im 6 months into this and i dunno the raw pain has gone, the shock i suppose , replaced by just a rubbish life really ! And just existing not really enjoying anything ! I find music and t.v. the best distraction from my misery ! I was never a miserable person before ! Always so positive when my husband was here ! How life can change ! And so quickly :frowning: xxx

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I’ve just collected her ashes. I said in my opening post we buried her Friday, I meant we had the funeral. My god it’s awful. I haven’t stopped shaking since they handed me the box. I now have her physical remains and all it reminds me of is those awful last months where she starved to death in front of me. I have that horrific corpse in ash form. Still no nice memories, no sense of her being near, no presence or spirit. Just a box that I know was her but isn’t any longer. I want to hold it and hug it and draw it close to me, but also I want to dispose of it asap. I need my best friend back to help me survive this.

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Dear @Flotsom
Take her somewhere beautiful, tell her how much you loved her and scatter her ashes. I hope the good memories can return to you soon and this immediate torture you are going through can stop. I am thinking of you and I understand. Doesn’t seem like it now, but you will survive.

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@Flotsom my heart breaks for you, i remember those early days so well. Im sending you the biggest hug, i hope youve got lots of support with you and we are here for you. I promise the lovely memories will come. Take care xxx

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I lost my lovely wife in December aged 57, a little over two years from being diagnosed with Bowel and Liver cancer. As I became her full time carer we spent so much time together over the last two years. Watching her health deteriorate and the countless side effects was so hard but somehow you keep going. Each day is hard work and now seems pointless, struggling to find any meaning in life. I still love her dearly, she was everything to me, we shared all our joys and worries. I feel so lucky that I we were together for 37 years, we became inseparable pretty soon after meeting, so many happy memories. I am also blessed with four children and now four grandchildren, they make my life worth living, without them I don’t know where I would be. I hate being alone, we did so much together and had so many plans for retirement. It doesn’t seem any easier six months on, the reality that I will never see my wife again in so hard to process. Almost harder. I have tried going out and visiting places but all I can think of how much my wife would enjoy them. @Flotsom I really get what you are feeling, I don’t have any answers just keep moving forward one step at a time.

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Just seen your post- I don’t normally respond to posts but felt I had something’s to say. I lost my husband in October 21 - I have 2 boys now aged 24 and 20 - they are now both away for some of the time - one at uni and 1 in the navy. I have found it hard and not easy - my boys have ticked over and it has been me who has needed counselling and support. Life is different - my future is different- this is hard to accept and adjust to. One thing that has helped me is melancholy - I saw this and it made me feel ok to be upset -https://www.coricks.com/2023/05/30/melancholy/?expand_article=1
it helped me explain to others how I felt. Most of the time I don’t feel like this but it somehow normalises how I have felt and that I am not loosing it and my grief is normal. Hope you can open link / x

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Hi I totally know how you feel lost my husband just over 2 years ago and still feel lost. We did everything together for nearly 40 years. Cared for him for the last 12 months of his life but sadly it wasn’t enough. Miss everything especially the hugs every day - my rock has gone and not sure what to do

You are not alone xxx

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