I’m so sorry for your loss and I empathise with you totally. I lost my partner last year anc after weeks of supportinb the family i fudnt have really snything left to support myself. Be kind to yourself and don’t be too hard on yourself. It will get a little more manageable as time goes on. My heart goes out to you. I thought I would never live again beyond just existing bug i am gradually learning to start to liking life again. Don’t get me wrong i still gzve bad days but starting to have more better than bad ones now.
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Hello
Firstly i am so sorry for your loss…when i read your post it resonated with me, so much so that it could’ve been written by me. I lost my wonderful husband in January after a very brief illness. He was the extrovert and everyone loved him. Me… im shy and very introverted but we just worked and loved the bones of each other and just laughed and loved the simple things…i cant bear the thought of being without him, i hope it will get easier.
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Dear Flotsam all you are feeling is totally normal for what you’ve been through- I also nursed my husband 24/7 and he died 9weeks ago.
I don’t have any answers because the pain is so raw but I just want to tell you that you’re not alone. Thankfully they have no more pain and distress and we only have memories.
Somehow we must keep going .
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@Queenie1 Hello. Thanks for your reply. I’ve just caught up with it.
Im a teacher and went back to work last week, just before we broke up for the summer holidays. It felt it was a more sensible idea than waiting to go back until after the summer
Today has been such a strange day. It should have been the first Saturday of the holiday, and normally we would have been getting ready to go away somewhere. Being that we’re in Scotland, we’d go away before the English schools broke up and things were much cheaper ha. It feels so bizarre to sit here now, knowing that this is me for the next seven weeks. I’ve pottered about, doing washing and tidying up, but keep coming back to the idea that we’d normally be getting ready to do something.
My colleagues have been brilliant over the last 5 weeks, but it feels like their offers of coffee and a catch up have now stopped. They’re in summer mode I suppose and being that I’ve been back to work and managed to look like I’m coping, they probably think they’ve done their bit.
I’m realising that outwith work, I didn’t have anyone except him really. We were our own little unit and it’s now just me.
His funeral is on Thursday. It’s taken time after the PM and then just waiting for an available date. It feels it’s dragged on for so long. Once that happens, that’s the “end” as it were. As much as I was glad I wouldn’t have to go back to work afterwards, I’m now realising I’m going to just be left by myself to process all of this over the next few weeks. The distraction of work was, for a short time, welcome. I’m apprehensive about how things go from here on in.
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I’m an exam invigilator and the busy time helped but like you, I now have a long time to reflect and realise I’m on my own. I’ve even thought of moving to somewhere smaller but everything is such a muddled mess in my head .
I do understand how lost you feel- I’m trying to think ahead but there doesn’t seem to be much ahead now. I keep being told that it’ll get easier but it’s clear nothing will ever be the same.
It takes a lot of strength to carry on but we don’t have much choice and our loved ones wouldn’t want us to be unhappy forever.
Sending you love and light
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Hi,
It’s so hard isn’t it. As much as I didn’t want to go back, I’m pleased I did and was able to see pupils and staff and get over the “return” in my head.
I’ve not got the funeral to get ready for. We didn’t have any fixed summer plans, I don’t know if that’s a good thing or not, because my passport was due for renewal. I feel that it’s good that there isn’t anything hanging over me that we were due to do, but hate the fact that there isn’t anything to look forward to and that there never will be again.
As much as the pain will, I am sure, ease, the fact that he’s gone will never change. The pain perhaps gets easier to cope with, but the loneliness, the empty house each day and the realisation that every day ends with me going to bed alone and then waking up alone again the following day is something I’ll never get used to.
I just have to make the best of it and keep going through the misery. I’ve got this far. It’s horrible, frustrating, maddening, saddening and really makes me wonder why I should even bother, but I’ve just got to get on with it. I can’t be the cause of making someone else feel the way that I do right now.
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I feel exactly the same- the thought of never seeing him again is unbearable- it all seems so cruel.
Like you, I’ll keep going because I have a retarded brother of 62 that I visit, do washing, take him shopping and generally care for him … I could never intentionally leave him. He’d be as broken as I am now .
It’s a good thing that nothing was booked etc. stress you don’t need.
So sorry you now have the funeral- try to keep strong for that.
We have no close family so John had Pure Cremation…I set him free on the beach where years previously we scattered his mum.
My thoughts are with you and my sadness is the same
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@Flossy22 the beach was his special place here too. It’s where I go when it all feels too much and is where I’m going to scatter some of his ashes. We always gravitated towards water wherever we went. It’s always felt calming and a place where I’ve drawn solace. I’ll be able to visit the beach and feel him around me.
Thank you for your kind words. They mean a lot as we move towards the funeral and the next stage in what seems like closing down his life.
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@G1983 I think you did the right thing going back to work before the end of term. I went back to work on a phased return and the worst part was seeing everyone for the first time. Having to tell the story over and over while not being able to stop the tears. After I got over that hurdle work is now a welcome distraction from the heartache & loneliness that we all feel. Hope you manage to enjoy your summer break and the lovely Scottish weather! Take care
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@Flotsom. So very sorry for your loss. I lost my husband on 27 December 2022. My husband was the extrovert and I was the opposite. If it wasn’t for him I would never have left the house at all. When he went into hospital, I had to catch the bus to visit him. The overwhelming feeling of panic as I stepped out the front door on my own for the first time in a good many years was frightening. I had to sit at the back of the bus because I was in tears trying to well the panic inside of me. He was in hospital for ten days and never came home. Our children wanted nothing to do with us, so had no support from them and no real close friends I could call upon. The sense of lonelyness was like a ton weight over me. I don’t know how I survived. Two weeks after he passed I saw a quiz being advertised during the day at a local pub. We both like quizzes and without thinking I went along. It was run by a charity called Brendon Care. They couldn’t have been more supportive. I sat there in tears throughout the quiz. Since then I have joined a few more of the clubs that they run. At first, I was just a shell of a person attending. Body was there but nothing else. It has now been six months since his passing and I am find it easier to go out and do have fun sometimes. Coming home again is the hard part. Back to a lonely house. I have had the odd occasion where I have felt his presence, but I also feel as though he has abandoned me. I can’t remember his voice and have to look at a photo to remember what he looked like. I am told this will get easier. All I can say to you is stay strong. It is what your wife would have wanted for you. The last words my husband said to me was I need to go out and make a life for myself. At first I was doing it for him but am slowly coming around to the fact I am doing it for me. 25 June would have been our 52nd wedding anniversary so that day was hard. Stay strong and don’t let anyone ever tell you what you should be feeling. We are all different but don’t bottle your grief up. If you wish to rant and rave or just cry, do it.
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It’s so hard to bear but I hope and pray one day it becomes easier to bear for us all
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12 weeks yesterday and still just can’t believe I’ll never see him again. I couldn’t keep his ashes so went straight to the beach and scattered him. It was deserted and beautiful. I told him I loved him and felt I’d set him free. Please don’t think your beautiful wife is now in that container- she’s gone to a much better place, free from pain and has her dignity back . She’s with you in your heart every minute. Our grief has changed us all and life can never be the same but we will all learn to live with it. We only have two choices. It’s a dark place that we’re in but with little steps we’ll get stronger. Sending a big hug to anyone who misses it as much as I do.
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Oh flossy thanks for your wishes . It is 7 weeks for me and I am in so much pain . He was my soulmate and we did everything together. I can’t imagine the rest of my life without him . I have his ashes at the funeral directors. My son and I are scattering him at donnington race track as he loved racing
That’s a good thing to do because you’ll feel you’ve set him free . Still very raw and so important not to hurry anything. My 12 weeks feels like a lifetime and yesterday.
We have long journeys to endure before we feel the light again. I feel blessed that I had john in my life even though his dementia was cruel for both of us but 20 of the 22 years were good.
Please take some comfort that we’re here for you and understand.
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Thank you my love
Always here x
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I have amazing children and grandchildren but I still don’t want to be here. Feel so selfish as I have got lovely family and friends here for me x
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People may say you’re’ lucky’ so have family but it doesn’t alter the fact that the most important person is missing. I have a few friends but nothing ever fills the space.
You mustn’t worry about any of your feelings- just try to allow yourself to feel what you want- not what you think you should.
I’m selfish in as much as I don’t even get out of bed if I don’t want to!
We’re here for you and nobody except yourself would ever judge you xxxx
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Thank you never thought it would be so hard.
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Either did I - feel like my life has ended .
Hard to motivate myself and so tearful .
We all have the saddest stories. Xx
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