Hi Sad2. So lovely to read your loving words. I write poetry myself and wrote the eulogy poem for my husbands funeral over 2 years ago. I will perhaps share it on here later. Writing is so theraputic but I find it difficult at the moment to write anything as my brain has shrivelled I think. I feel your loss and hope things improve with time.
Sad2 your beautiful poem spoke to me. Such a talent which you will use to positive ends on this community line. Keep writing it is so encouraging such a talent. Thanks You very inspiring.
Juneie
Hello Angiejo1
Thank you for your kind message,
I know exactly what you mean about a shrivelled brain, mine is all over the place jumping fron one thing to another and I just keep asking myself why did he have to leave me.
Woke so early, as I do most days now, and I laid in bed thinking back on the short years we had together, remembering every little detail from how, when and where we first met. Tears are streaming now at those thoughts. I can see his smiling face looking at me now. I miss him so much and want him back.
I know we are all going though what seems like the the hardest time of our lives, but I wish the pain would go away and let me smile again. Will things ever get better?
Sad2 it is very painful. I echo all what you’ve just said. I’m in bed now. Didn’t sleep well and remembering his voice his smile and just being with him.
Sad2 this is a new journey for each of us. Others on this platform are further along than us and they’ve made it through there is hope for us. You will like I’m sure I will be strengthened in the weeks and months ahead. It will not be easy. Grief is painful. But you can do it.
Juneie
Hello juneie
Thank you for your kind message and words of encouragement.
At the moment, it feels like these sad memories and feelings will never fade.
They same time heals, but does it?
I’ve cried more today, and feel I can’t cope.
How do we get through this?
Oh I know the agony is so very unbearable we are alone our beloved other halves not there. There are no words for what we are now facing. You know what every cloud has a silver lining which is hidden from us right now. Others are moving on preparing to unlock and enjoy the summer I feel like recoiling and never coming out. It is natural and normal an I guess we must go through this process to come out the other end.
Have you got support around someone with a listening ear. I’m having Counselling and I log into a fortnightly bereavement support group called meet up. Next one is Sunday 7 March. Open to all. Just Google Meet Up bereavement support group.
Remember you are alone which may bring you some comfort.
Juneie
I just can’t believe how badly this has affected me. I lost my mum 15 years ago, and my sister a few years ago, and after the initial shock, shaking and grieving I can’t remember suffering like I am now. My whole world is torn apart and I can’t see anything to look forward to anymore.
I don’t want to prepare for the easing of lockdown and I wouldn’t care if I were in lockdown for good. I can’t bear the thought of seeing couples out together, and I have no one to enjoy my life with. How selfish is that?
I don’t really have support around me. I have my daughter who lives near, but I don’t like crying in front of her, it then upsets her to see me like this. I speak to my brother-in-law every day, but don’t cry. I try to keep a stiff upper lip.
The close friends I thought I had don’t really seem to care anymore. I don’t get phone calls, it’s me phoning them and I always start crying so I feel like I’m getting on their nerves. They live too far from me so I wouldn’t be able to meet up on a regular basis even if I wanted to.
Only got a couple of other friends but not close, and they don’t even know about my loss.
Old work colleagues say phone if you need to talk, but it’s hard.
I know I’m not alone, and I know after reading the posts on here there are a lot of people worse off than me, but I still think it’s only me hurting so much.
Jay not at all. Please do not apologise for your feelings. That’s exactly how I feel and like you my children may come in the room and I put o a brave face. I cry everywhere around the house. I have this sinking feeling all the time like a tidal wave has come over me. My youngest is 18 years and she is having counselling she was her dad’s little girl they had such a close relationship the other 3 boys are 22, 26 and 31. The 31 year old is special needs and lives in supported living although he is hear now and comes and goes. Wouldn’t cry in front of him as would make him worse as already he is deeply torn by the loss of his father. The other 2 have been brilliant and stepped up big time. I have 2 grand children which keep me smiling when they visit they take my focus and I forget that George is not here. However, when they’ve gone and the other’s have gone to their rooms and I’m left alone and resort to my bedroom it’s worse dep memories around. Like you I couldn’t care if we remained in lockdown I guess it’s how we feel and we cannot deny our feelings.
If you were living near me Jay I would love to do a socially distance walk where we can talk together, cry together and shout and scream without being locked up!! hopefully.
There seems to be n point to anything Jay. But we are alive and if we do not d some self care out children will suffer and hey have already lost their father.
No need to apologise. We are going through hell. Like you say the pain is like no other. We have lost so much. I have just lay on settee all day today - only got up when I realised that my kids needed me to ring them as they were both also going through a difficult patch. I can count on one hand friends/family ready to listen and lend a (virtual) shoulder to cry on. I have the same reaction when I see couples out walking - and me and my husband didn’t even go out walking together that often. I often cry and scream when I am alone but sometimes it just hits and I cannot stop myself. I think crying is a release mechanism for our grief.
Please do get in touch with your old work colleagues - they may just surprise you. Two of mine have arranged to meet me for a social distance walk in the not too distant future. They have also been in contact by text and phone call.
Thank you so much for your heart warming message.
You’re so lucky to have your children and grandchildren there for you, and for a while you can smile and take your mind off your loss for a short time.
My daughter phones me through the day to make sure I’m ok and asks have I been crying. She came round today for a few hours and I forgot the heartache for a while, then I just wished I could be on my own to cry. I could feel it starting.
Then like you, when you’re on your own a thousand and one memories come flooding back.
I walk around calling his name, shouting at him and asking him to let me know he is with me. Just a sign!
You’re so right about self care, I now start to worry how my daughter would cope on her own without me, so I know I have to look after myself for her. If I were on my own, I wouldn’t care.
I live in the East End of London, Where are you.
Really nice to chat to you, and thank you again for your kind message.
Thank you for your much appreciated message.
I did phone one of my friends earlier on, but her response was a bit dispiriting and felt like it was a one way converaation. I ended up feeling sorry that I bothered to phone her. At the moment, i can do without friends like that. Now I’m being bitchy!
On the other hand, just spoke to my other close friend and she was again so supportive, caring and understanding. I feel so lucky to have her to talk to and a shoulder to cry on. I can let it all out.
I will phone my old work colleagues later in the week when I feel a little bit better.
Thanks Joan. I’m in North London. Maybe we can meet up fr a socially distance walk. It is true that not everyone knows what to say and even how to say it. I guess if you are not experiencing what we are some people have no idea it’s a new world to us and many will have to enter at some point.
We are blessed to have this forum to talk to each other I’ve experienced a lot of love care and support on this forum as we all understand.
Have a good evening and try and get some sleep if you can thoughts go on in my head so my head touches the pillow but my brain does over drive.
Joan just want to say you might be stronger than you think.
When we face a situation such as this we can sink or we can swim. I’m hoping you swim your way through this. Not even sure if you like swimming or not!!! Anyway I’m over in Edgware North London so not too far from you to walk out safely and socially distanced at least sharing, caring, listening as we are all doing goes along way to getting us out of this mist we have been left in by our departed loved ones.
Juneie
There were a couple of friends, from a social care background, who I thought would be rock solid pillows of support. I too was disappointed. One in particular unbelievably took a couple of swipes at my husband disguised as being supportive, I ended the conversation and have not spoke with her since.
I too have one good friend, contacts me weekly and prepared to listen - sometimes through my sobs and tears.
At a time like this. iIt certainly does show who your “real” friends are. I have know this one friend since childhood, we lived and grew up on the same street, and my mum was like a second mum to her. In a real time of need, they are not there for you whole heartedly. Will I speak to her again?, I know it won’t be me making a call. I just think to myself it’s her loss, not mine.
We have to be strong as our lives go on regardless.
Yes, I love swimming and when I start to go again I’ll think of your words and enjoy my swim even more.
It would be nice to meet up and chat and make a new friend. When things ease, perhaps we can make arrangements.
Thank you again for you kind words and support.